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married men...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
im a 15 yr old girl.(nearly 16)
from the age of 14, i have been going to a pub with my dad. I have got to know lots of the people who also drink in there and everyone now knows me and how old i am. However, even with that i mind one bloke in the pub, fancys me. My dad first noticed it, and then i saw it too. The problem is as im getting older and urmm...growing, i am also getting more attention, because i am one of only afew women who go to this pub, and no one my age or in their teens goes to this pub, therefore i do kinda stand out. (Even with this in mind i am treated with respect) The problem is this on bloke who fancys me is married.(i have met his wife before) the problem is that now i kinda fancy him also. The guesters that he likes me are becoming more obvious aswell, and i kinda dont know what to do. Him being married also is just one problem. The other problem is that he is about 37 years old. Can anyone here please tell me what i should you about this? Or even just tell me that i am being stupid and i should start loking elsewhere for romance. I just need to hear someone elses view. thanks for your time:confused:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Stay away.
    Reasons:
    you are young, only 15 and not truly ready for any sort of sexual relationship, especially not one with a 37 year old. A lot of things are happening with your body, and it isn't uncommon to be attracted to, and possibly fall in love with an older person. Many young women are attracted to the maturity of older men, and can see them as a parent figure who will look after them as well as love them. Any sort of relationship other than a polite one would end in tears.

    He is married, if you embarked on a fling with this man (it certainly wouldn't last) it would ruin his life, his wife's life and the lives of his children. And I doubt yourparents, or anyone else at the pub would approve of this fling either.

    He is 37. Any sexual thoughts he may have for a 15 year old are frightening. No offence to you, but you are only 15. He is 37. If he did anything with you he would most certainly end up in prison for it, you'd have your face plastered all over the papers, as would he.

    At the end of the day though, it is udnerstandable what you are feeling. However to act upon them would be wrong as you are not emotionally mature yet (no offence.)

    p.s. you shouldn't be in a pub anyway. If it was the pub I worked in I'd have kicked you out :p
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    im from the uk-where at the age of 14 you are allowed in a pub-even though you are not allowed to drink alcohol!

    he doesnt have kids!

    any other comments?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Even though he doesn't have kids, plenty of other good reasons have been listed.

    P.S. The age is upto the pub, where I work you have to be at the very least 18, but the signs say 21, so we can kick anyone we don't like under 21 out...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    please can someone say something about my problem. i need to hear peoples views.(and not on pubs-by LAW in the UK you are allowed in at 14, but some places have different rules)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Has this married guy even said that he wants to get involved with you?

    Look elsewhere. It'll only end in heartbreak for either you or his wife.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    no-but he has made it obvious that he likes me, more than a friend
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by bacardi
    no-but he has made it obvious that he likes me, more than a friend

    That doesn't mean he wants anything more. Just forget it. He has a wife. Think about what this would do to her for a second.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i understand that, but what shall i do until he doesnt like me ne more and i dont like him? im stil going to go to the pub!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just talk to him as a friend. Remind yourself he has a wife and that he's more than half your age (which isn't good when you're only 15).
    Just forget the whole thing. It'll do more harm than good to carry on the way you are...that's if you haven't misread the whole situation.

    :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    im sure i havnt! thanks for your time
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ok, here's some advice from some who knows! I went out with a married guy when I was 17 and I'm really not proud of it.

    At the end of the day (and I'm not being rude - I still feel like I'm 16 some days) but I don't understand what a man of that age sees in a 15 yr old girl. They have nothing in common (even if you are old for your age). Any shared interests are just that and they shouldn't go any further.

    If the idea of being a home-wrecker isn't enough to put you off, just remember that the whole thing will REALLY screw you over!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    p.s. you shouldn't be in a pub anyway. If it was the pub I worked in I'd have kicked you out

    Children are allowed in the pub as long as they are accompanied with an adult before 7 or 8pm, so ner ner :p
    im stil going to go to the pub!

    As long as your dad and mum are with you, so your not that mature so ner ner :p
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by cookie_8287
    Ok, here's some advice from some who knows! I went out with a married guy when I was 17 and I'm really not proud of it.

    At the end of the day (and I'm not being rude - I still feel like I'm 16 some days) but I don't understand what a man of that age sees in a 15 yr old girl. They have nothing in common (even if you are old for your age). Any shared interests are just that and they shouldn't go any further.

    If the idea of being a home-wrecker isn't enough to put you off, just remember that the whole thing will REALLY screw you over!

    Here,here, I speak from experience too, been with some older men, none married though. Just remind yourself that no matter how pretty or nice you are, if a 37 yr old man is attracted to you there must be something wrong with him.
    Imagine that he was your Dad flirting with one of your 15 yr old friends, how messed up would that be?
    This 37 yr old has no right to show his feelings towards you as anything more than friends.
    If I were you i'd avoid him altogether.
    It wouldn't work,believe me.
    Good luck!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Homer's Love Child


    no matter how pretty or nice you are, if a 37 yr old man is attracted to you there must be something wrong with him.

    Well, I am older. I am not 37. But, I am older and I can say that I would be attracted to a 16 year old. And I don't think it is messed up. A 16 yr old a is a woman, she looks like a woman. And guys are generally attracted to younger women. So, I don't see how it is messed up. There may not be any long term prospects. It just depends on what you are looking for.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Stop going to the pub.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    OK, here is some practical advice.

    Wait till you are 16. At that point you are legal and in a position to make your own decision.

    He is married, but he has to be the one to make the decision on whether he is going to cheat on his wife or not. It is his problem not yours. If he doesn't do it with you, he might do it with some one else.

    Finally, don't expect too much. Don't expect him to leave his wife, marry you and the two of you live happily ever after. Yes, there are couples out there with a 20 year age difference, so it can happen. BUT, don't expect it. He might be looking at this as just a fling. A sexual thing. If you are OK with that and you just want to sleep with him too, then do it. But, if you think you are going to fall in love with the guy and become miserable afterwards when he doesn't leave his wife etc.. then I would suggest that you stay away.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I totally agree with MrLuvr. I've already had a - like you say - "sexual thing" with a married man.
    He is married, but he has to be the one to make the decision on whether he is going to cheat on his wife or not. It is his problem not yours. If he doesn't do it with you, he might do it with some one else.
    First he didn't tell me that he's married, but when he told me this, that's exactly what i thought. As long as his wife don't tries to kill me everything is ok. I first met him on a beerfest, he was from Italy and he sometimes was on a business travel in Germany. He visited me when he was here, just about four or five times I think. We mailed a lot - but one day he didn't mail back and since then I've never heard something from him again. But I can handle this, I knew this could happen everytime.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    OK - has anyone made this point to you!!!....

    How about you look at it this way....


    Your dad goes down the pub, his mate btings his 15 year old daughter, your dad quite likes the look of her and she likes him (Fancies not loves!)
    Your dad is tempted....HOW WOULD YOU FEEL, HOW WOULD YOUR MUM FEEL?

    This man is obviously a bit odd if he thinks its ok to attemp a relationship with the 15 year old daughter of one of his friends - specially as he is married.

    You don't love him, you have a crush - fine. But don't let him exploit you and don't get carried away. You obviously have worries about it otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned you'd met his wife.

    You know the answer... try to grow up a bit before you start getting emotionally manipulated by an old man.

    By the way I'm not age prejudiced - my dad had a 30 year old girlfriend at the age of 50, the difference is she was old enough to make a sensible serious decision.

    You want peoples views....this is mine, Don't get obsessed with this man, spend some time with your mates instead of your dads, never get involved witha married man.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Clearly,
    STOP GOING TO THE PUB.

    Find somewhere else to go - even for 6 months - your feelings will most likely change.

    If they dont, then yes take on MrLuvr's practical advise.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hmmm
    Originally posted by byny


    You know the answer... try to grow up a bit before you start getting emotionally manipulated by an old man.


    I agree with you to a point. That is why I told her to wait till she is 16 and then decide what she wants to do. At 16, even the law thinks that you are capable of making that decision. How long do you think she should wait till she is capable of deciding? 25? Maybe then the law should the age of consent to 25.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well - from the way she has expressed herself it seems to me that even at 16 she still won't be mature enough to have a relationship with this man.
    I guess its different for each person but I really dont think she's asking us if she should wait until she's sixteen - I think she's struggling with the morality of starting a relationship with an older married man which is why I suggest she thinks about how she'd feel if that married man were her own dad and he was making a play for a 15 year old. If she doesn't like the thought then she should think twice.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    OK
    Originally posted by byny
    I think she's struggling with the morality of starting a relationship with an older married man

    Right, there is two issues here. One is that she is 15, and it would be wrong to start a relationship. Once she is 16, I would say it is not 'immoral' anymore.

    The second issue is that he is married. That is a tougher one. And it is a decision that really HE has to make. He has a LOT more to lose than she does. His marriage is at stake. All she is doing is having some fun with a married guy. That is why I told her not to take is too seriously.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Exactly - there is also the very serious element that this guy could possibly be 'prepping' her before hand, ie creating a situation where she has a crush on him so that it's easy for him to take advantage of here when she is 'legal'

    I can't comment on her development in the future - she may not sound grown up now but in the future who knows?

    The married man bit is bad though - is he really that nice a guy if he's going to risk his relationship with his wife to be with a 16 year old.

    No doubt she'll get to hear the old 'my wife doesn't understand me' line and there's a fair chance she'll fall for it - but will end up being used as a result.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well
    Originally posted by byny
    so that it's easy for him to take advantage of here when she is 'legal'

    is he really that nice a guy if he's going to risk his relationship with his wife to be with a 16 year old.

    I guess I disagree with you when you say he would be taking advantage of her. Maybe in her case her emotional development is not at the same level as most girls her age. But, if a 16 year old is having consensual sex with a man, where is the 'taking advantage' of. He is getting what he wants and she is getting what she wants.

    As for whether he is a nice man, I don't know if you are a guy or a girl, but guys will do some pretty crazy things to be with a hot, young girl.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hi this is bacardi. i may not have made myslef sound right-even though i am 15 i look and act alot older-thats just me, so please dont talk about me like a little 10 year old, ok. i know the laws and everything, i just wanted to hear other peoples views...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    bacardi
    Originally posted by bacardi
    hi this is bacardi. i may not have made myslef sound right-even though i am 15 i look and act alot older-thats just me, so please dont talk about me like a little 10 year old, ok. i know the laws and everything, i just wanted to hear other peoples views...

    Sorry, didn't want to make you seem like a kid. That is why I gave you some practical advice.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i didnt mean you. the other one...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Bacardi.

    I'm not going to go on the whole age thing because I want to focus on the main issue of this guy being married.

    Could you answer this question?

    How would you feel in years to come, you were married and suddenly your husband had an affair with a girl of 15/16, never mind her mental age or 'maturity'? Or if your dad decided to want one of your mates as 'more than a friend?

    If this man, is currently unhappy in his marriage, or whatever, and wants to go further afield, that is HIS PROBLEM, NOT YOURS.

    My advice is to stop going to the pub. There are plenty of other things you and your father could do to spend time together, but I think in a place where there are a lot of older people who are drinking and going to be eyeing you up etc that is not some place for a 15 year old girl.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dunno if this'll help but here goes, I've bin involved with a married man before, n all I ended up getting out of it was hurt, a friend of mine has been involved with a guy who has been "leaving his wife" for 2 years now.... it's just not worth the aggrevation, however much ya like him, I'm sure theres a single guy out there with loads more to offer you.... like loyalty

    ooooooooooh ffs - just read this n I sound like Marjorie Proops, didnt mean to sound patronisin - just know what ya goin thru tis all
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi bacardi,
    Just been reading the rest of the posts on this thread.

    Just take a look at all the response - not one has said go for it - I think that says something.

    Hope it's helped to make your mind up! I've learned there are plenty of lovely guys out there amongst the crap ones so just keep looking.

    Again, I'm sounding patronising!

    Cookie x
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