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Suicide Berevement

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've been speaking to a lot of professionals and people about my plans to raise awareness for suicide, I've been sharing my three friends Story and I've been fine with it, I haven't being getting upset or feeling low. Until today,

I was sorting out photos on my laptop as there is loads of the same photos, and I found videos of megan singing an dancing, I just sat and cried for ages, I was doing so well...I need her, I need Ella too and Alice. I miss everything about them. Even the silly things,

I miss how Megan would ring me up every night singing a new song down the phone to me, How Ella would Email me photos of frogs and frog merchandise as she was obsessed, How Alice would text me with "Smellyyy you bathed todaaay" aand how we'd all go sit on the fields and have a laugh, Silly things like that..

I keep checking my phone waiting for something to come through, I constantly text Alice, I text her asking if she's okay sometimes, I tell her I miss her, i tell her i need her and what I'm doing, I wished her merry christmas and happy new year, I've got photos of frogs on my wall with especially for Ella, and I listen to the songs Megan would sing..

I miss them and need them so bad, I don't know why I've started to cry today, I was doing so well...

I wish I'd been able to save them...I blame myself, thats the hardest part...I blame myself for there deaths I should of done something to stop them, I should of know Alice was going to end her life 2 days after Ella did, and I should of know they where getting bullied THAT bad that they thought the only was out is to take their own lives, I should of known that megan was badly depressed and that me telling her about my problems was just making her more depressed. I should of been more supportive and I should of been there, I should of read the signs....Its my fault they died. I'm such a useless friend


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know what I can say to make you feel even just a little bit better. But it isn't your fault. When someone kills themself, it's something they've chosen to do. Nobody is ever responsible for someone else's suicide. You were and are a good friend to them, but however good a friend you are, you couldn't read their minds then, and 'should haves' and 'could haves' are useless now. Try and be happy about all the good things you had together, and be sad about them being gone, but don't blame yourself and be full of regret for what you could have done had a million things been different.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Heya hun :heart:

    It's ok to have bad days, I can't imagine how hard it must be but you should be so proud of yourself. All the work that you're doing to help others is amazing (which reminds me, I want one of those wristbands, text me about it sometime?) and you are so strong so much the time, its ok to have a little dip.

    Today's a new day, put some Jessie J on and have a bit of a dance, see if that helps you feel better? And I'm only a text away if you need me.

    Love you emmy
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Em,

    I can't say I know exactly how YOU feel because no-one can...however, losing my Dad to suicide has taught me a lot...

    Every day I question "What If I"...What if I had done more? What if I had listened? But (and I'm still trying to accept this myself) they inevitably made that decision. It was their choice and nothing you or anyone else could have done would have changed that.

    You talk about reading the signs? Hindsight is a wonderful thing and even though you truly believe looking back the signs were there, they weren't as obviously related to an upcoming suicide as you might think. My Dad actually said to me "I can't live like this anymore"...and that is something that will live with me forever because I didn't know what he meant - but hindsight makes me think that I did know - in reality hindsight is just making me think I "should have" known because like everyone on this site - All I would have wanted, was to make it better for him and to prevent it happening....

    You say you've done a lot to raise awareness...I think that is fantastic and (I don't mean to overstep the mark) but I bet your friends would be proud of you for it...I am also doing a charity event to raise money for a suicide prevention charity later in the year because I am also keen to raise awareness and reduce the stigma attached to suicide.

    Why are you having a bad day now when you've been doing so well? Because its "normal" for an abnormal situation (I quoted that from someone who said that to me once on here!) Its ok for little things to upset you...I still call my Dad's mobile just to hear his voice on the answerphone, even though it reduces me to a sobbing mess everytime.

    I don't know a lot about you but from what I do know, I think you are remarkable for everything you have had to deal with; especially for someone of your age.

    Stay strong hun and stay kind to yourself x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the replies everyone.

    WhiteLillies, I guess so..like even though Alice did say the day after Ella died "I need to be with her, I miss her. I feel so low" So..
    *Shrugs* even if its not my fault..I'll still blame myself daily
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Em,

    There are no rules when it comes to grief.. no time limit on your feelings and having days when it really hits home all over again is absolutely okay, even though it feels really hard :( Going over the events and searching for answers, yearning for something to help you cope or understand and get through the depair is part of the process.

    As WhiteLillies says though, coming to accept that our decisions are our own is really important. I think lots of us can relate to that feeling of wanting to turn back time, do or say something differently, have more time for people or change something that's happened, but in reality we're all just doing the best we can by ourselves and those around us on a day to day basis, in the moment. The 'what ifs' can be really painful though.

    It's clear from everything you have done in their memory that you are and were a great friend to them, far from a useless one. Your determination and your ability to talk so honestly about how you feel is amazing so if you need to vent any time you know you can :heart:
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