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Who am I?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm so confused. I honestly dont know who I am anymore and its really getting to me. I thought I was this quiet, self-contained girl who had 'old fashioned' ideas about love and friendship etc. But everything has changed. I know a lot of you will just put it down to growing up etc and I understand that (I'm 19). But in the last 6 months I've done so many things that are against all I believe in.
In my summer break I kissed my best friend and almost sparked a relationship with him until I realised that was the worst thing I could do. I ended up hurting him because he wants more and now our friendship is suffering because of this. This isnt my kind of behavior at all!
Recently I've had strong feelings for a guy at uni, but he's completely wrong for me. He's arrogant, a show off, and a bit of a ladies man. He's nothing like what I think I want in a guy and I know I wouldnt be happy with him. But he's the only person I can think about.
My mind is so confused. I've lived my way of life for as long as I can remember, and everything seems to be getting turned upside down. My flatmate had her boyfriend staying last weekend and it made me sad that I cant have what they have until I figure out what I actually want.
It just frustrates me that I've let it get this bad. and with the threat of self harm occurring again, I'm positively petrified that I cant stop myself. Every time it gets worse, the scars get worse, the regret gets worse. I cant take that again :(


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    *Holly**Holly* Deactivated Posts: 140 Helping Hand
    Hey TheScientist

    Sorry to hear you're feeling down and confused because of some of the things that have been going on recently. *hug*

    Finding out 'who you are' is quite a big concept, and one that lots of people wrestle with at lots of different ages. Life has a way of chucking you into situations you weren't expecting - especially in a big life change like starting uni - and therefore you don't always react or behave how you thought you would. This can cause a lot of confusion because there's usually a big difference between what you think you would do, and how you actually behave in the moment.

    Sometimes a more useful question to ask, isn't 'who am I?' but 'what would make me healthy and happy?'. Despite your inner conflict, you seem to be quite good at breaking down and analysing your thoughts and emotions. Maybe if you focused that skill on your happiness, rather than your sense of self? For instance, you have feelings for this 'ladies man' - rather than beat yourself up about how this conflicts with your beliefs - maybe ask yourself 'would doing anything about it make me happy or more unhappy?' and 'is thinking this way about myself making me happy?'. Do you think that's something you would be able to do?

    As for your self-harming, the fear of relapse is really common but that doesn't make the thoughts any less scary. Is there anyone you can talk to about your worries? Who did you confide in when you went through your last period of self-harming? And have you explored our Self harm support pages here at TheSite?

    Do let us know how you're getting on. There is always someone here at TheSite listening. *hug* :)

    Take care of yourself

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