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Difficulty getting intimate - ruining my life

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
please also see http://www.thesite.org/info/legal/abuse/coming_to_terms_with_abuse_later_in_life.html

to cut a long story short i had a fairly traumatic childhood and am now at uni.

i had fanatically religous parents who were strict.

when i was a lot younger they used to hit me quite a bit, especially when i lived abroad with just my mother.

my parents hate each other. my dad has been to hospital with hypertension a few times due to work stress. my mother made allegations of incest against him (but this hasn't left the house). my father became distraught when this started but it started to get to me (it was obvious she was making this up to hurt him) and when i confronted her she went MENTAL and hasn't spoken to me since.

i didn't have a girlfriend at school. i went to a same sex school. my parents hated all my friends and i wasn't even allowed to be friends with girls.

anyway..... putting the past BEHIND ME i started uni.

Uni was amazing - i made loads of new friends and started having a great time.

Since uni started i've pulled twice (just kissed - not sex - when i was VERY drunk) - they were slim attractive female friends (the alcohol helped). but it was freshers week. i couldn't have done it sober.

I know of two girls in my year on my course who really like me. I am an outgoing person but when it comes to sexual contact i get really anxious (what is wrong with me??).

When one of these girls tried to kiss me (in a club - i wasn't drunk enough) i became anxious and just said "sorry i'm gay". her response was "that's a shame". i just felt really really uncomfortable. she's an attractive girl with a nice personality.

i fancied her then and still do but i know that i'd get anxious again and freak out if the same situation arose. (and i wasn't drunk enough)

So basically... i can kiss someone (but only if i'm extremely drunk). i don't really like being touched when i'm sober either. i'm not at all shy - i'm extravert. if i have kissed someone when i was really drunk i can't go through with it again when i'm sober - i get really anxious at any hint of sexual contact.

I want to get into a relationship. what should i do? be drunk 24/7? that would cure the anxiety but it's not really feasible.
how do you stop someone from kissing you too soon? i've done the "i'm gay" thing a few times. (the truth would be to say "wait til i have a few more drinks to steady my nerves")

Basically I am a mess!!

Comments

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Are you logged in as the wrong person?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :confused: Thats what I was wondering too :confused:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    OK, the real poster of this message is called "Username". That might clear things up a bit!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Cant see Turtle being amused when he sees this :D
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :rolleyes:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    LMAO i thought that was a bit weird coming from Turtle :eek:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    finally i thought there was a human side to turtle - but its not even him.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by rainbow brite
    finally i thought there was a human side to turtle - but its not even him.

    LOL there is a human side to him, it's just very well hidden....
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmmm...

    Maybe everyone should get to helping this guy rather than dwelling on Turtle.

    Anyhoo, I'm sorry you had such a bad childhood.

    I guess you're bound to get anxious at sexual contact if you've never had sex. Not everyone does but I guess you're one that does. If some girl tries to kiss you and you aren't ready why can't you just say that rather than 'I'm gay'?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    True enough Daisy but its a shocker seeing that much heartfelt emotion under turtle's name. I was shocked and somewhat amused to think that the hard exterior had finally cracked! lol
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmmm...

    But in the mean time someone else has spilt out all this stuff and I'm pretty sure they'd want advice rather than a load of comments about Turtle.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Pah. Human side? You wish people. :p I am as rock hard as my shell. :D

    Seriously, shit happens. Thank you Karla for clearing things up. :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The only thing I can really suggest is to tell the girl you like Make friends with her, and get as close to her as you can without it becoming sexual.
    Over time reveal to her why you are like you are, if she is understanding she will help you come out of your shell.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tough situation, but it seems like you've already taken the biggest step which is having the mental attitude and willingness to change yourself.

    First off, you can't expect the first lady you find to be absolutely perfect for you, just like everyone else it's probably gonna take a little (!!) time to actually get into your perfect relationship. Unlike every Hollywood film ever produced.....

    Secondly, being drunk 24/7 ain't gonna work (despite whatever Kirk may say) 'cos you'll just end up a dependant alcoholic with half a kidney, plus it's generally considered a bit rude waking up next to your lady and having to down 5 tequilas before you can face her!!

    When you find a lady it may be worth mentioning that you have a few reservations when it comes to physical contact/sex as she may wonder if there is a problem on her side. Obviously you don't have to give her the full spiel, but if she genuinely cares for you she will understand. And saying you're gay probably ain't helping your chances.

    It's also important to realise that this is an entirely new situation that isn't linked to your past history, if you can make the leap from how things were and how they are now then you're on your way.......

    As for actually getting down to it, I'd advise taking things very, very slowly. Hold hands or walk arm-in-arm, a little non-sexual human conatct can make all the difference. While you're in that situation ask yourself if you're OK with it. Look at the person you're with; does she make you happy when she does this......?? If so, try and mentally link the contact and the person and the feeling it generates within you; she makes me happy because I feel confident/attractive/happy when I'm with her.

    If you can start building a whole new mental "platform" of feelings and emotions then you can leave your past behind and concentrate on your future, and you can start approaching the whole field of sex with confidence as opposed to anxiety.

    It may not work out with the first lady you meet but try not to get disheartened (easier to say than do, I know), concentrate on the positive aspects and keep going.

    Anyway, if you keep up the positive attitude and find someone with a little understanding I'm sure you'll be OK.

    :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Also remember that girls appreciate a certain amount of nervousness from a guy rather than the self-inflated machismo that they often get hurled at them.

    You might even find, if you are honest about your attraction to a given girl and your uncertainty about how to proceed, that she is just as nervous. This will give you both something to laugh about later when you are both further along the road of the relationship.

    Just bear in mind that most girls wont bite (at least until youve gotten them highly aroused)! lol.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To everyone: thanks for your advice. I really really appreciate it.

    (and to Turtle: sorry I have no idea why it says your name next to my post)


    I have got over the problem of finding someone who likes me .

    I know of one person in my year on my course who fancies me (she has told my friends. at one of the balls she said some really flattering things about me)

    I am outgoing - i'm not shy at all. Since Day #1 at uni i've been confident and sociable (a bit of a contrast to how i used to be years and years ago). (at school i was quite shy, at sixth form resit college i became more confident when i got to uni i became the opposite of what i used to be)

    Imagine how confused she would be if i told her the truth - that i have very very little experience.

    she'd probably LAUGH!!!! (she's the type of girl who likes "bad" boys or whatever you call them - and that is how she sees me because of the type of friends i have)

    if she told other people in my year it would change how people see me.

    so basically - I have a "macho" exterior, "macho" friends but inside i'm not at all like that.



    what if i kiss her and she tells my year that i'm a really BAD kisser?? that is my greatest fear.
    on the dance floor in clubs and stuff girls approach me and speak to me but i'm paranoid that if i kiss someone people will stare and laugh. or the girl will laugh.
    WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??!?!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you want to kiss her, it doesn't have to be in a public place with lots of other people watching. That might take the pressure off a bit.

    Kissing article:
    http://www.thesite.org/magazine/specials_lovelife/flirting_academy/snogging_masterclass.html
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by username
    Imagine how confused she would be if i told her the truth - that i have very very little experience.

    she'd probably LAUGH!!!! (she's the type of girl who likes "bad" boys or whatever you call them - and that is how she sees me because of the type of friends i have)

    if she told other people in my year it would change how people see me.

    what if i kiss her and she tells my year that i'm a really BAD kisser?? will laugh.
    [/B]

    You seem to have a very poor impression of us females of the species.

    Firstly, it is unlikely that a girl who likes you will really care how much experience you have or haven't got, as she will be living in the now and the current relationship - and the experience you'll be building up together. When I found out that my twenty-two year old boyfriend was a virgin, I was surprised, but I certainly didn't think badly of him for it. All it proves is that you're not getting off with every gal you meet, which can only seem a good thing to any potential girlfriends. And you don't necessarily need to tell her your history right at the begining, so she won't automatically KNOW you've got no experience - maybe you should get to get get to know and trust her first, to make sure that she won't laugh.

    But to be honest, I would imagine that as an 18+ uni student, she'd be far too mature to laugh at your lack of experience or kissing. That really is playgound behaviour! And, I doubt you are bad at kissing - if you go with the flow, you can't really fuck up.

    Now go out there and go for it! Good luck :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Meryn


    You seem to have a very poor impression of us females of the species.


    Yes, but there is a minority of non-penile-afflicted creatures who don't do the rest of you any favours, so he's got a point.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Haven't been around for a while.

    Sympathise with your situation incerdibly, because i basically have the same problem, only it is slightly more confused as i'm Bi. But i really don't know how to get through it. i guess keep trying to be yourself?
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