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Picky or not?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm loathed to post about this because part of me feels like this is just me being picky, but its becoming such an issue I need to at least voice my concerns.

When me and mr riot first got together he was shy and found it difficult to meet people but he helped me out when I needed it, we spent loads of time together having quality time and we had a fair bit of sex.

Now he pushes me to do more than I can do - I.e. I'm not well at the moment and he is my carer and he has become really lazy with doing things around the house and he won't go out to appointments with me when i really need him to or will leave me in a state when I really need a hand - like getting out of the bath.

He's spending pretty much all day every day playing MMOs and he is really loathed to leave the house unless we have to. He'll pretty much never do anything on his own, and I've asked him to I see a GP about his anxiety and he refuses.

We hardly spend any quality time together and he won't let me go anywhere near him sexually - I can't even remember the last time we had sex, at least several weeks ago.

He's not working right now because he's looking after me, so he has plenty of time to spare. I do what I can to help out around the house but I know that it's not a lot.

At times I feel like smashing his wireless card so he can't play his MMO but I know even just hiding it to prove a point would cause a huge argument. I have to bribe him to get him to do things - like going out with me into town or doing the washing up, even going to get milk from the corner shop.

I love him so very very much but I really don't know what to do. It's really getting to me, but I don't know if I'm just being picky and this is just getting over the honeymoon period or if there's something up an it needs sorting. If so, HOW? I know he needs to deal with his anxiety, but he just hides away. We don't socialise any more we've become complete recluses.

HELP!!!!

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not that I would know but it doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me :eek2:

    Are you too picky to want more from a guy than someone who plays games all day every day, doesn't help you when you need help, doesn't want to have sex with you and needs bribing just to leave the house with you?

    Absolutely not.

    How much of this is down to his illness is a factor to consider. Then again if he won't do anything about it and doesn't realise what he is like....he obviously doesn't care that much about himself, or by extension, your relationship.

    Could you "bribe" him to go to the doctor if you think that's the root cause of the problem?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A carer you have to bribe to help is no carer. A boyfriend you have to bribe to fuck is no boyfriend.

    Fairly simple really...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A carer you have to bribe to help is no carer. A boyfriend you have to bribe to fuck is no boyfriend.

    Fairly simple really...

    this!
    Taking a partner as a carer is a big no no. Will ruin a relationship without fail.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    At first I though may be he's just trying to stretch you, but as I read on that quite obviously isn't the case. Caring for someone is hard work, especially if it's long term.

    Quite simply you would be a fool to let it carry on as it is. Have the big argument, tell him he either has to get himself sorted, or to get out.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We had the big row over it and I think it's sorted a fair bit of it. We've also agreed for my mum to help out a bit more so that he's not feeling overwhelmed. I've spoken to him about over stretching me and I think we need to find a little more middle ground so that I'm still being stretched a little but not all the time or as much.

    He's already been making big changes which has been great, he's even been doing really sweet things too - I just hope it carries on!

    But on the anxiety side of things he still hasn't addressed what's going on for him - he seems to think that he comes across as an idiot, which just isn't the case. But fingers crossed things will start to change now he's promised to spend more quality time together.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    this!
    Taking a partner as a carer is a big no no. Will ruin a relationship without fail.

    I have to echo these sentiments. You want to push him to deal with his demons (anxiety etc) but at the same time. As your carer he is obligated to deal with yours. It just feels in the surface that it could imbalance the relationship from give and take to take and take.

    Having said this, if it works for you then that's great... But tread carefully. I was a p/t carer for a year and it was a pain in the neck and I wasn't struggling with anxiety. Not sure if I could have been full time for a girlfriend whilst having my own issues.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I keep talking to him about dealing with it but I just don't know how to approach it without him becoming defensive and denying that there's a problem.

    I know he doesn't really have any goals right now, and everything seems up in the air for the both of us so its difficult to plan much.

    :/
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    this!
    Taking a partner as a carer is a big no no. Will ruin a relationship without fail.

    Tbh this is king of true in my experience. But in reality, DLA isn't enough to pay for all the care I need to it falls to those around me to do it a lot of the time. It's a tough situation to be in.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Big change today!!!

    He admitted today that he has a problem and he's agreed to go to the GP and try to get access to some therapy. I'm so happy that he's finally agreed to get help. I had a meeting at the job centre today and he came with me and was so supportive and helpful.

    I know that it's not the ideal choice having a partner to care for me, but I dot really think we have a choice. If we are together he is going to want to care for me, and we really do love each other.

    I'm going to suggest he gets in touch with the local carer's association to get some more support. I hope that's going to help.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Randomgirl wrote: »
    Tbh this is king of true in my experience. But in reality, DLA isn't enough to pay for all the care I need to it falls to those around me to do it a lot of the time. It's a tough situation to be in.

    Whilst this is true, my understanding was that you could opt to have a friend or family member collect carers allowance or alternatively have a carer provided for you. My mum received carers allowance for my dad but they were married for 18 years, I got paid as a 'carer' as my house mate had chronic fatigue and gave me the choice of tidying the house and getting paid for it, or having someone else in.

    I may be out of the loop though, ideally yes I think in a new relationship you would have a professional carer do the heavy lifting and have a partner help with odds and sods. I think too much of a burden too early would put a strain on the relationship.

    However thats not to say that missriots situation doesn't work for her, just really I would be cautious.
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