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Adrians story, May trigger

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've been reading a book lately and in the book it mentions different people and their stories. I've recently just read Adrians and i thought I'd share it.

It was a coold starlit night in 2006 and I was wandering down a country lane in my village. I have always found such clear nights comforting, but not that night. The sky looked very very large, planet earth seemed like a mere speck and I was just one lonley soul amongst billions of strangers.

I felt a failure and a lousy farther. Through my tears I counted all the reasons why people should despise me. "why should anyone respect me when I hate myself? who would even care if I lived or died?"

I had my dog's heavy choker lead around my neck and I was looking for a place to hang myself. By the side of the road there was a telegraph pole, on the pole about 12 feet above the ground there was fixed a heavy horrisontle beam. I could hang myself from that beam!. I gathered together some wooden pallets and miscellaneous rubish into a pile and climbed on top, but no matter how i rearanged the pile i couldn't quiet reach that beam. So i went home to get a step ladders.

When I arrived home i found my labrador, jack, waiting for me at the front door.. He was so pleased to see me, he jumped and danced and did that silly little run he does across the lawn and around the bish and back over and over again.

In that moment I realised "I do make a difference to one living creature" jacks warm welcome lifted me. I thought, maybe I should take this leash from around my throat and feed him his dinner" I thought, if i make a difference to a dog, maybe i can be use to someone- anyone, I never collected that stepladder.

My business goes belly up
How did i get so low? It wasn't so much what happened but that so much had happened in one year, I had an old friend, ted, who was a brilliant digital artist and we decided to start a web business to market his work. we needed cash to launch our venture so i borrowed money against my house. After an enthusiastic start, ted got fed up and moved to spain.

Deep depression
It was at that time that my mother died of leukamia and that hit me very hard. I knew mum was sick. but I never thought we would loose her, Then, whilst i was grieving for my mum the bank repossessed my home. Its a long story, i fought to keep the house and nearly did. but in the end the courts ruled against me and i had an houor to race home and remove as much stuff as i could before the baliff thanged the locks and i was homeless, Luckily a couple of good friends took me in until i could find somewhere else to live.

Natures law is that the weak get bullied. As fragile as i was it is no surprise that i found a truck driving job where the boss berated and abused me, monday to friday. we were a perfect match- I neeeded the money and he needed someone to scream at.

My depression got deeperm this was not some kind of blue day blues but deep delbilitating crushing helpness forty two tonne truck drivers are meant to be tough, but i couldn't make it through the day without crying uncontrollably. When people came to see me at my house i would Hide. most of my friends and family gave up on me and thats when i found myself on the lonley road awith a noose around my neck.

Fortunatally my dog saved me and then the doctors did their bit. I was diagnosed with acute anciety and servere depression and prescribed strong drugs. Wary of the drugs i tried counselling and herbal medicine first but eventualy i took the recommended medication.

I survived on the heavy drugs for 2 years abut only just. My mind was a fog as i was half drunk and half demented. I couldn't remember the simplest things, I couldn't speak properly- even recalling everyday words was a struggle. The doctors warned me against coming of the drugs but the cure was worse than the disease. Eventually i had to quit the tablets. Whether I learned to live without them or weather i killed myself in the procsess it seemed liek win win.

Doing it my way
I threw away my pills and waited for the crash, but it never came. I began to live drug-free and that victory made me stronger. I started reading a book on self help, pyschology and psycharity. i learned that worrying about the past and fretting about the future were futile that my mission was to handle the present. A chance enconter with a hypthnotherapist on a train provided the final link in the chain. He treated me and gave me tools to counter negative thoughts and tools to enhance my appreciation

although my children never heared the while story I have been touched by their concern. I will never forget being lectured by my 10 year old daughter !You must take your pills its important dad i dont want to grow up without you.

i take time to do things that give me joy now. i write and post them on blogs for fun. No matter if my work is never published i like to recofnise ways i can make a difference to people.
when life is getting a little grey again i remind myself that i do matter to someone,somewhere and this means there will be others that i can touch tomorrow.
i meet up with a group of friends and just last week someone went "when we are around you we feel special and loved" her comment was the greatest gift.

today im back on top, im my own company I am happy no matter how no matter how desperate things seem there is a way back I know I was there...I came back..
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