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Internet dating

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi,

Just wondered if anyone has done this and how did you find it ?

A couple of questions :

Thinking of using either e harmony or match, but not sure if one is better to use than the other or if they are much of a muchness.

Also when sending messages what is likely to be the best approach ?

For example should you say send a friendly 'hi, how are you?' or is it generally better to comment on their profile and things that you have in common ?

I've never really tried internet dating, but think it's worth a shot as I don't meet that many young singletons.

Just looking for advice/thoughts on how to go about the world of internet dating.

Thanks

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Franki panda is the best person to speak to about internet dating profiles, some of the advice she has given in the past has been awesome. One thing I will say is that "hi how are you" messages will not cut it. The way guys are, so many of them will just smash messages out saying "hi", which can show that you have little interest or are a little lazy. Making a detailed and lengthy (but not overtly verbose) reply personalised to someone will more likely get a reply. Though its important to realise that people are not indebted to reply to you either.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Half asleep. Just want to mention this quickly:

    Don't bother with paid services. Okcupid and plentyoffish will be perfectly adequate.

    I'll try and get some more down in the next few days. In the meantime I'm sure I've rubbed off on this lot enough to start you off :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What is it about internet dating that appeals?

    I tried it, as I found it hard to meet people with similar interests to me... My experience is most of the people I met lied about their age, intension, hobbies, or were just plain needy.

    One I kept in touch with on a friends basis, as she's cool... But no idea why she changes her age a lot.

    That said, is it any different to meeting somebody at a bar? Everybody wants to impress, some wish to inspire, some wish to manipulate or are lonely.

    I don't know if I'm up for trying internet dating again, but if I moved cities, I may try it for friends and/or to get advice on cool places to hang out.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sure I've rubbed off on this lot enough to start you off :)

    :naughty:

    I'll get some tissues.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    RubberSkin wrote: »
    :naughty:

    I'll get some tissues.

    Wait for me!


    Sent from my whyayePad using Tapatalk
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    not my thing, but from what I've gleaned a lot of guys (good looking, money, wit) find it incredibly frustrating - seems women on these sites have ridiculous criteria and rarely make the first move or signal.

    they await in hope of Julian Grey gracing their inbox perhaps? lol
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi,

    I just thought it might be a way of meeting someone. I don't think I've met that many young women in social activities I've engaged in during the last few years and when I have met someone I like the look of they always seem to have a boyfriend.

    I do go out to bars occasionally, but so far I've not had much confidence in going up to women - I just thought this might be slightly easier than that approach, but I don't know.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Internet dating is brutal. Most times you won't get a reply. It normally isn't even anything personal, its just that the girls get far more messages and you can get drowned out in the noise. It's one of those things, if you get hurt every time you don't get a reply then you're probably not ready for dating.

    I think if you go into it hoping to get out of the house for an evening you'll be fine. Anything else is a bonus. That's the only healthy way of looking at dating.

    Generally you need to show your best qualities: kindness, empathy and humour. You need to be cheeky.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Also the different websites have different demographics. Work out what sort of thing you want. e-harmony is about the love of your life and tends to be a bit staid. Plenty of Fish is free but full of stupid people tbh, OKCupid is also free but full of the geeky weirdoes instead. match.com charges and is a combination of the two.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi,

    Thanks for the replies. I definitely got the impression that the girls on these sites would get a lot of messages. I'm signed up on OK cupid and Plenty of Fish, but not sent that many messages, but 0 replies to the ones I've sent.

    So with internet dating I guess you just have to have very low expectations if the girls are receiving a hell of a lot of messages.

    Would you say speed dating is a better way to go than internet dating or the other way around ?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My dad got married in October and met his wife on Plenty of Fish so it seems there is hope for the place. I've tried it several times over the past few years and given up within a few months of using it as the same thing happens every time. You're inundated with the chain 'hi how are you' or sleazy messages and people seem to be largely grouped into either stupid, weirdos and the people that love themselves. There are exceptions however I find you rarely get replies from the people you actually like the look of.

    I decided to put a line at the end of my profile saying that if they got that far then then to put the name of their favourite animal in the title so I'd know they'd actually bothered to read it. It certainly made sifting through the time wasters easier. I did have one or two dates but I began to notice a pattern that I seemed to be a rebound/tester date for guys that thought they were over their ex but decided to go on a few dates to check that they actually were (and it always turns out they're not) or just plain wanted to get laid but tricked me into thinking other wise. I've never used a paid site however as I can't justify spending the money, maybe they're a bit better. But generally I found if you're my age (early 20s) then it's mostly a waste of time if you're after more than sex. But that's just my experience, I haven't bothered with it for over a year and a half now as I found I didn't have the patience to sift through the bullshitters and time wasters. I think the experience varies greatly depending on your age and gender though.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Also the different websites have different demographics. Work out what sort of thing you want. e-harmony is about the love of your life and tends to be a bit staid. Plenty of Fish is free but full of stupid people tbh, OKCupid is also free but full of the geeky weirdoes instead. match.com charges and is a combination of the two.
    Loads of people on OK Cupid are very "look at me, I'm so open minded, geeky and kinky!"

    For some reason, I mostly get matched to bicurious women with boyfriends or PHD educated bondage freaks... The latter appeals more.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Both what you've said and all of arctic's points are probably why okcupid worked so well for me!!

    I've had two long term relationships off okcupid, and although its a bit brutal I still think its worth it!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I find okcupid one of the better ones out there. I had an account on it years ago and it went unused for a while as I forgot about it. I'd recently (say past 4/5 months) gone back on there, and found that although I hardly ever get any messages back, at least people seem to not be completely off their rocket. The thing about the okcupid, is the answering of questions and it gives you a match/friends/enemy percentage. That seems a bit better than some other sites, though it also lets you see where your answers differ to someone else.

    However I've found in my personal experience that I'm sending far less messages using OKcupid than on any other site in the past. You could spend all day playing the odds and hoping that you get messages back with sending out loads yourself. I'd suggest putting in quite a lot of effort into crafting or sculpting of messages, take your time with them. Only send messages to people who really do make you think wow after reading their profile. Remember that you might think wow at them, they might think eugh.

    Yet with all this talk, I'm being rather classy and going for an eggnog latte with someone on Saturday, just a couple of hours chat before I have an evening out with a group of friends for a birthday party. We have not yet, we have talked loads. Our online meeting was due to someone reading my blog and they told one of their friends about it, the friend they told actually knows me well and thought that if my mindful rumblings didn't scare someone off, I should treat her to a brew. It may not work out, but highlights how things can happen with a guise of complete randomness, regardless of how much effort (or not) you out into Internet dating.


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Occasionally I've got drunk and contacted people on OKCupid, carefully reading their profiles and writing a 3/4 paragraph message that touches on mutual interests. All but one replied - unfortunately I'm sober when this happens, so I just ignore them.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Namaste wrote: »
    Loads of people on OK Cupid are very "look at me, I'm so open minded, geeky and kinky!"

    For some reason, I mostly get matched to bicurious women with boyfriends or PHD educated bondage freaks... The latter appeals more.

    Haha. That's definitely OKCupid right down to a tee. Especially the bondage.

    I keep getting high matches with the educated subs too. But that might be because I'm a kinky bugger too :angel:

    Taking the time to read through the answers is worth it for people who attract your attention. Will give you a better idea of whether you're wasting your time or not and will give you a better idea of what sort of message they'd appreciate. For instance I don't even bother messaging anyone who says they don't like children, as I have a ginger gobshite who follows me round.

    Though I might be feeling optimistic today because I have two dates lined up :eek2:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Two dates Mr Roll? Well done ;)


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the replies. I'll read over the advice again prior to sending any messages, but I think it's worth a shot. From what I've read a general conclusion I think is not to expect much - I may not get too many replies, which is just the way it goes.

    In terms of what I say to them I think it's best to read over their profile and write a few paragraphs in relation to their profile and it dovetailing with my own interests.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah that's a good way to go :)


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've just read over one local girl's profile and just tried to ask her some more specific questions about the interests she mentions that I think we have in common. According to Ok cupid we are an 89% match and she seems to be studying films as part of her degree which is one of my main interests, so I just asked her what sorts of films she likes. Whether I'll get a reply or not I'll have to wait and see, but as a rough guess I'd say it's a 90 % rejection rate on these sites as the ladies will be swamped with messages, so I won't take it personally.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hope you didnt just say "What films do you like" ?

    I might well have got the wrong end of the stick from what you posted and I really hope I have. I'm writing this more aimed towards other people that may come in looking for similar advice. You have to sell yourself, asking what kinds of films someone likes is a question you ask once you have had two way conversation. Unless you fit it in as a question amongst talking about your love for film and things that you have in common.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well she replied and a few messages have now been exchanged. I'm just trying to ask questions really and seeing what responses I get.

    I've just been asking questions about her profile and her interests that I believe tie in with mine, but as I'm a novice to it I'm not sure how I am doing.

    But hey at least she replied which is a good thing as many won't reply.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just chat. Tell a bit about yourself. Gently take the piss out of her. I really would recommend looking at her questions if you're on OKCupid (though don't say you have!)

    As with anything, you either click or you don't. It can't really be forced. And you don't always click in the same way.

    Was reading a book (Love by Numbers by Luisa Dillner, a doctor who did an agony aunt column based on empirical evidence in the Guardian) that said New Year sees a spike in people using dating websites. Apparently people feel getting a new partner is a resolution.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As with anything, you either click or you don't. It can't really be forced. And you don't always click in the same way.

    This is really absolutely true. I went on dates and stuff and never clicked with any of them really. To the point where I had run out of things to say and they had and we were just looking at our shoes. I thought I was broken or something / a really boring date, but with current girlfriend we just *clicked* straight away and that was that.

    The thing with dating sites is you need thick skin. I personally found the effort required for the few women who did go on dates with me (and it being dull), and the emotional/mental toll of all your messages being ignored really shit on my self esteem for no benefit.

    I think if you take the time to craft a good profile, are fairly photogenic and so on you could get some decent results from it. As is I just went on there with the 'honest, this is me' approach and it obviously didn't pay any dividends. Also I've read for messaging, the optimum is to spend around 2-3 minutes crafting an initial reply / glancing at their profile. The fact is most messages aren't replied to, probably a significant proportion aren't even read, so spending too long writing messages will only make it more difficult.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think the thing to remember with internet dating profiles is that you're essentially writing an advertisement for yourself. If you go into something saying "me I'm a bit shit" then you're not selling yourself very well, and equally if you ham up the arrogance you'll just look a cock.

    For a first message a paragraph should do well enough. More than that and people probably won't read it all and probably won't reply to something they've not read. And proving what an inexact science it is, a date lined up messaged me first with one line: what's your twitter name?
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