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No one likes me and i don't think i fit in.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I made a similar topic like this a few months back and got a single reply (thank you) but didn't reply again as i thought i'd try hard to change things around. But i've got to a point where increasingly i feel like i don't fit in.
You know how there is always a guy everyone loves, hes the life of the party, people love him being around, they say hes a great guy even though they can't quantify it.
Im the opposite of him, but i can't figure out why. I've tried contacting friends inviting them out. Generally im ignored but if someone agrees i go, have a good time, people don't hate me, but im forgettable. No ones clamouring to invite me back out and join them, its almost like a 'yeah sure, join us' feeling rather than actively wanting me to be there.
I even had one 'friend' say i was being too needy. Because i text her twice in one month asking to hang out. Shes no longer a friend now because how can speaking to someone twice, to hang out be considered needy?
I've tried to chat and meet people online, being on dating sites or meet up sites. You know places where people are actively saying 'i want to meet new people'. But there out of 100 messages i've had less than 7 replies and even all of them don't amount to anything more than responding to my initial message with no sort of follow up or interest.
Im not a depressed person...at least outwardly, i try to be happy and positive. I listen to people and try to join in conversations. But at the moment no one seems to care. If my phone was off for a month, i wouldn't get a message, wouldn't have anyone wondering where i've disappeared to, no one would even notice. I have to put in ALL the effort to get people to speak/see me but 9 times out of 10 even that doesn't work. I feel so unliked, but i don't think i've done anything wrong. Maybe i don't fit in, i don't know why as im a nice guy, like things others like and try to put in the effort. I don't know what to do, because even trying to make new friends isn't being returned
Feel so alone.
You know how there is always a guy everyone loves, hes the life of the party, people love him being around, they say hes a great guy even though they can't quantify it.
Im the opposite of him, but i can't figure out why. I've tried contacting friends inviting them out. Generally im ignored but if someone agrees i go, have a good time, people don't hate me, but im forgettable. No ones clamouring to invite me back out and join them, its almost like a 'yeah sure, join us' feeling rather than actively wanting me to be there.
I even had one 'friend' say i was being too needy. Because i text her twice in one month asking to hang out. Shes no longer a friend now because how can speaking to someone twice, to hang out be considered needy?
I've tried to chat and meet people online, being on dating sites or meet up sites. You know places where people are actively saying 'i want to meet new people'. But there out of 100 messages i've had less than 7 replies and even all of them don't amount to anything more than responding to my initial message with no sort of follow up or interest.
Im not a depressed person...at least outwardly, i try to be happy and positive. I listen to people and try to join in conversations. But at the moment no one seems to care. If my phone was off for a month, i wouldn't get a message, wouldn't have anyone wondering where i've disappeared to, no one would even notice. I have to put in ALL the effort to get people to speak/see me but 9 times out of 10 even that doesn't work. I feel so unliked, but i don't think i've done anything wrong. Maybe i don't fit in, i don't know why as im a nice guy, like things others like and try to put in the effort. I don't know what to do, because even trying to make new friends isn't being returned
Feel so alone. 0
Comments
Although you might have found a lack of replies on dating sites, ie supposed rejection by a number of women, each one may well have not returned a number of messages to people. On some dating sites that charge, some people might sign up to do some window shopping but not pay up to be able to receive messages.
I could go on and on regarding little bits and bobs about Internet dating etc, but in my personal experience it's better to have a small number of responses than a lot. After all when you're in the dating game you're trying to find that special one, rather than the special few.
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What you should do is ask some questions about something you might have in common, expand a little bit on your profile. Give them something worth replying to, to show you have actually put some effort in.
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A few quick points though:
1. In general, unless there is something that makes someone...undesirable isn't the right word, but it's also not about standing out... Anyway. In general, girls on dating sites get a LOT of messages. I don't because I'm a fucking giant, but most girls do. Some people say it's rude to not even say "thanks but no thanks", but those people tend to be the bitter, twisted types who don't appreciate how time consuming that could get.
2. What you send and how you present yourself is really important. Whether you're looking for just friends or something more, you have to portray yourself as interesting. Or, y'know, BE interesting, but even the most interesting of folk can let themselves down with a shitty profile.
3. That goes for photos too. Put them up if you haven't, and make sure any that are uploaded are good. That means no dodgy lighting, no bad angles, nothing too far away (unless it's a photo of you doing something cool and interesting (like skydiving, not getting trashed)) and preferably not taken by you. This is just as important for friends as for girlfriends - people want to know that you take care of yourself and that you aren't some dirty hobo with access to a library.
4. Love yourself. If you don't at least seem like you enjoy your own company then why would anyone else think that they would enjoy it?
Dating sites, meet up sites etc, yes they bother me in not getting replies but not as much as people i actually know and put a lot of effort into not even bothering to respond to me or even interact in any way. Its even worse being told you're needy because you text someone twice asking them if they fancy going out. Thats not normal but its still upsetting.
With dating sites and meet up sites its just frustrating someone going 'Want to find someone to go rock climbing with' and i may reply, hey i like rocking climbing, question about what sort of skill level, something about their profile, fancy chatting more etc (i don't rock climb so dont know what you'd talk about so AGAIN ITS JUST AN EXAMPLE) but that wouldn't get a reply anyways. Its almost as if people go 'hmm i want someone to rock climb with but not someone who looks like that'. I just don't get why people say they want to meet people to share certain interests but are not willing to get to know people who do. But as i said, thats not my main issue as i should have friends in real life, but i don't.
Enjoy my own company? If i wasn't okay by myself i think i'd be dead by now. The problem is i spend TOO much time by myself and no matter what i do to try and solve that it doesn't work. Anything else i can fix, but when it involves other people im left to their whims and right now for what ever reason they wont tell me, 99% of my friends don't give a crap about me. I wouldn't mind if they just responded with a 'hey, busy with work/xmas/having fun' but just to ignore any message i send just upsets me even more because i am trying to go out and have friends, just they don't want to be friends with me and i don't know what to do. Fed up of being by myself all day every day despite trying really hard.
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At the risk of sounding clichéd, I'm wondering if you have any specific interest yourself? You say that you ask other people about their interests (which is great BTW!) - but do you have any of your own for them to ask about back? Not only would this give you something to talk to new friends about, it might even help you meet people through taking part in the activity itself.
If you don't have any hobbies or interests already, why not have a think about what you like and try something out? If it's a group activity or sport even better as you'd get the chance to meet people naturally.
Also, if you have time, you could consider volunteering. Again, it's a brilliant way to meet people and it would make you feel like you're doing something worthwhile too. You can check out our sister site, www.do-it.org.uk to search for opportunities in your area.
It sounds like you're doing all the right things, but maybe just need to connect over something in common. What do you think?
Think to yourself what sports, hobbies or other interests you have.
Have you come across a website called Meetup? It's about groups of people trying new things with other like-minded people. There's no sending awkward messages and having a date, it's simply signing up for any activities that sounds interesting. Certainly the groups in Newcastle are like that, I've been out for a curry a few times through that website and it was a good laugh. Got me out of the house and that is how friendships and acquaintanceships are born. There's a group for single parents, a group for people who like walking, a group for the party animals, and so on and so on. Have a look if nothing else.
I'm quite glad that there Franki told me about it.
Seconded. I've met lots of friends through that site.
Yeah i have a lot of interestes and hobbies from computer games, to drawing, to bike riding, to playing pool. Im not someone that can sit in front of the TV all day, i like to be doing something constructive or at least out of the house. I don't think my interests are too much of a problem as they are quite broad and not all single person activities.
Well yeah Okcupid is just one of the places i've tried. I have looked at meetup, but after trying something similar and not getting anywhere i assumed it was more of the same and haven't bothered. But i'll try and give it a go and see what happens, thanks.
my boyfriend was on one for a while and barely got replies and a lot of the "girls" on dating sites are not even real. Theyre fake accounts made by the site owners to increase traffic and revenue for them
When someone said they thought you were too needy, it probably wasnt anything to do with how much you texted or didnt text. More likely about a general feeling. If someone youre not interested in hanging out with asks a few times, it already miught be too much. Most people want these things to happen organically. being good at these sort of social cues takes time and experience for a lot of people. Its a bit of a vicious circle, because people want to hang around with already confident and social peop;le, but if you dont have people already to hang rpound with, you dont get that confidence. Groups like this can be good, or other forums to build up friendships with and meets etc. There is probably absolutely nothing wrong with you, but isolation breeds more isolation. Try not to go out of your way to make friends. If it happens, great. Its good to act interested in other people but in a cool way, like you dont actually need them in your life, but you like them (because this is how it should be)
I would suggest not "HEY, I HEAR YOU LIKE ROCK CLIMBING. ME TOOO" people will back off. " more like, hey, whats your favourite climb? or ask a general question that they might be able to help you with" I dont know, its hard, because so much of it is intuitive and isnt really teachable, but even if social situations dont come completely naturally to you, there are always groups and people who could be really interesting and would want new friends too, but maybe youre actually overlooking those ones? Without wanting to be insensitive, maybe youre punching above your weight with the social groups youre trying to integrate with?? I dont know this because i dont know you, but maybe try making friends with less popular people. They may be overlooked themselves just like you and have a lot to offer a friendship
I have a female friend who uses the free websites, just one site alone she gets 10 new guys every single day messaging her. A few years ago we did an experiment with another free dating website and the women's advert got back over 150 replies in two days from men.
If you're serious about online dating then use a paid for dating website cos simply paying will cut out a lot of your male competitors.
Also How physically attractive are you?
In the world of dating looks and physical presence really do matter to the majority of people. To some girls it won't mater, or they'll like you for your mind, etc but I'd say for the majority physical attraction is the first thing. Just a few days ago I went to a Christmas dinner and it was a room for of guys and a single girl, out of the guy the girl knew all the guys already except myself and a friend of mine and you could see she was instantly attracted to my friend and I observed that she paid more attention to him then me, even though I sat closer and made more effort. It also doesn't help that my friend looks like a very famous American movie star.
There are some excellent videos on YouTube with tips about dating, and some of the best ones are made by women giving advice to men.
I suggest you do a search and watch them - you can learn a lot.