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my cry for help.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
TRIGGER WARNING : depression, self harm, suicidal.






Im a massive fuck up and I lost the love of my life.
I didn't know what to do, I wanted to cut, and add to the stuff I did last night thats covering 50% of my stomach. I sat there and I sort of lost control of my body and my head as slamming against the concrete wall behind me. It was really hurting and god I was terrified.. I kept trying to stop it but I couldn't.
Eventually I got up, I grabbed myself a glass of water came back into my room... and grabbed my collection of tablets.
I still have some left. Im not quite ready to end it tonight. I promised myself I'd wait til I've been to New York.
But so far I've had.. 5 ibuprofen, 5 naprosyn and 13 codeine.

Then I saw the other messages from her. That this isn't definately the end, its just hard for her and she wants time to adjust and then to work at this.
So now I don't know what to do and I'm such an idiot.
What have I done.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh also...
    I know I should text or ring my counsellor, but she may not get it for ages and well.
    I don't want to. she will tell me to ring a crisis number. which I won't because A) I threw away the list she gave me and B) I hate talking on the phone. (for some reason all the stuff I can't normally deal with, I find okay if its her. weird, but helpful.)
    and also i think she will either make me go to drs or ring him herself monday morning.
    dr will make me go back to CAMHS, which I refuse to do. I'll accept help, but CAMHS I can't do.
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    We all get those moments hun. Anything can trigger it, it can be something small, or big like a break up, but you can't let yourself give in. I know it's easier said than done, but sometimes you have to let go. Be upset and unhappy, yes, but don't hurt yourself.

    I don't think you should pin everything on the relationship, that could be making it harder for her, and like she said, is trying to adjust.

    Ever heard the expression: we are all fools in love. -We do silly things sometimes when we're in love, but it doesn't make you an idiot. I'm sure you haven't done anything you can't undo or make up for, she did say this isn't the end right? So she must still be thinking it over, which isn't a bad thing.
    *hug* :heart: *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm alone in my room, but parents are in the house.

    I'm calming down now, I know I had a moment of "madness" as such
    and I know I need to do something about it, I just don't know what.
    All I can think of is talk to my counsellor, but like I said, i'm scared of what her reaction will be.
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    The counselor's reaction might be better than you think. xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You need to tell your parents
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my parents are what caused the relapse. :)

    Im not talking to them. not yet.
    It will just be a repeat of last time, and last time I didn't deal with the problems at home because they were so involved.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well ring the out of hours GP then
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Tryingtobestrong,

    It sounds like you are going through a really tough time at the moment, Sorry to hear this*hug*, When a relationship breaks up or you are thinking that it might do it can seem like there is no way out and that you are never going to start to feel better about the situation, it can be a very distressing time. It sounds like last night it did just get all too much for you but like others have posted and said it really is worth contacting your counsellor or confiding in your parents, I am sure that either would be really worried to hear you are feeling like this. If you didn't want to discuss anything with your counsellor on the phone could you arrange to meet her and have a face to face counselling session ?,

    Did you seek any medical attention last night ? If not, it probably would be a good idea to get checked over if you have taken a mixture of tablets, as people have suggested either go to your local a & e department or contact you G.P out of hours. There is also NHS direct who can give some advice on the phone and advise what to do next if you need medical attention their number is 0845 4647.

    Please let us know how you get on:heart:,

    Take Care,
    B.*hug*
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