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Eating habits deteriorating... *may be triggering to some*

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
:wave:

So I've almost always had problems with my eating, ever since I was 14, the year where the bullying got worst.

Since last year, I was purging, restricting, and exercising more. Clearly my metabolism was shit anyway so it didn't seem to bother me that I wasn't loosing a lot of weight.

As the months went on I used to be able to have a few days of 'normality' where I wouldn't worry about the intake, and I wouldn't purge.

Recently, it's got worst. I purge until nothing but water comes up, I get through 40 lax within 5 days, I'll have days of fasting, yet still taking lax. I don't know the whole reason in how I got stuck in this whirlpool. It seems never ending, yet, anyone I talk to doesn't seem to be bothered. While they're not bothered, it makes me think that I'm clearly over-reacting, and as I've done it for so long it's normal to me.

It seems to get worst when I have an argument, or when I'm in one of those funky low moods where the light at the end of the tunnel becomes further and further away. I don't even know what to do anymore :( everyone's given up, so I don't see a point in actually doing anything anymore. It's apparently ''pointless'' even talking to me. Could be why I'm a worthless human being, who's writing this for no reason.

Sorry guys. :crying:

Comments

  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    You are not a worthless human being, far from it. And its good to write this, it can help get what you're feeling out, keeping it in isn't good for you.

    I used to skip meals. At times I thought I was fat and ugly. I would be in pain from not eating, but I still carried on. It became my norm.
    When I got help for all my other issues my eating improved. I'm still not 100% comfortable with my own body and I often wonder what I would have done if I didn't get the help I did.

    Did it start around the same time as the bullying?

    xx *hug* :heart: *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah :/ I'd eat less but the purging didn't come until Christmas last year, when I stepped foot on the scales and saw that huge number :/
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    What huge number hun?
    When I was 14 I thought I was massive, I only weighed 6 stone. But I convinced myself I was fat and ugly because I didn't know why I was being bullied.
    Was it something similar with you?
    xx *hug* :heart: *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The one on the scales :/
    No idea, I've always been the fat kid at school, I just guess it's got worst, and keeps getting worst.
    But I was bullied for my weight a lot, which kinda pushed my confidence down..

    *hug**hug*
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    I think the bullying started because of my glasses. That's were the ugly comes in.
    They tend to pick on anything that makes you different. :( There was a little bullying when I first got them in primary, which dragged me down from the bubbly confident kid I used to be, so by the time I got to secondary I was already struggling.
    I look back now and think how sad and small their lives must have been to make me feel so worthless. I know who I am now and nothing anyone can say will change that, I didn't have to believe their words, only my words, they made me believe lies.
    You don't have to remember what others say, don't dwell on it like I did, see your positives.

    Its okay not to be perfect because you're human. xx :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The one on the scales :/
    No idea, I've always been the fat kid at school, I just guess it's got worst, and keeps getting worst.
    But I was bullied for my weight a lot, which kinda pushed my confidence down..

    *hug**hug*

    Sweetie, as someone who also hates the big number, I want you to know that it doesn't matter. Mine was, at last check, somewhere around the 215-220 mark. I'm putting that there because I know yours won't be that high (because you're little, yes, but I need you to see that numbers are irrelevant). And because I know you would never think me fat.

    The number means nothing. You are beautiful. People love you. I love you. And I'm here always.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmm :/
    Well, seems there's no one professional that I talk to who want to help, so I guess it's ''get through it alone'' time.
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    Hmm :/
    Well, seems there's no one professional that I talk to who want to help, so I guess it's ''get through it alone'' time.

    Have you tried a doctor? They may have some practical advice. xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have :/ He doesn't want to talk about it cause he doesn't want to make me feel worst when I leave. It's like no one gives a monkey, and feels like everyone vanishes when I'm willing to get help x
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    What about helplines?
    Have you tried this one:
    www.getconnected.org.uk/
    It says it's 24/7 email or by phone.

    What do you think? xx :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Done that.
    I think I'll just go back to struggling, hiding and bottling up. Or act completely normal again!

    I emailed a counsellor this morning, when I decided it's got whay out of hand! Hopefully get a reply, if not, life goes on an all :/ x
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    You don't have to struggle alone when you have thesite. xx ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know :/ just seems so impossible at times, and it's like I never learn either...x
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    Its not about never learning, it's about breaking the habit. You do something long enough its hard to stop.
    With some time and the right help it can be possible. xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Guess so, I end up hurting people when I do it. I don't mean to, honestly - I've drifted from so many people just to keep, in my way ''safe'' :/ xx
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    I was like that, and in some ways I still am. I think it's part of the bullying, you guard yourself and don't let others get to near because they might hurt you again. Do you get nervous around people? I sometimes still do, but I try to give people a fair chance, get to know them and let them get to know me too. But I think I'll always have my guard up. xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah, I HATE going out in public. It's like something I avoid at all costs, I'd rather stay locked up at home. x
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    Snap! Me too. I hate the idea of being looked at too, others judging me- like I don't know I'm abnormal. xx
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