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Sex drive

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Could have gone in either forums really.... Not sure where it belongs best.

I used to have a good sex drive - I think I perhaps declined the offer of sex with my boyfriend maybe once or twice in a year and half. And then there were all the other times I bugged him for it....

It has now disappeared. It could be due to depression, but I've been depressed a lot, and this has never happened before. I have a suspicion it could be my medication as I went on that a month ago, and I noticed a change sort of 3 weeks ago. Interesting though, as apparently it's not meant to have sexual side effects (compared to SSRIs) and I had less problems with SSRIs. (Harder to orgasm but same-ish sex drive). Anywayyyyyyyy

In my head I feel like sex, but my body just doesn't want to, even with lots of foreplay. This is so out of the ordinary and so I'm just a bit clueless about what to do. Is there anything I can do? I went to his for a long weekend, and normally we would probably have sex at least every day, but it didn't happen despite a few attempts. I mean I probably *could* have sex with a bit more lube, but I wouldn't feel anything and would probably just get upset because it felt so crap compared to before. Is that selfish?

Atm we live 300 miles apart, so it's not as much of a problem as it could be but it's still getting me down a bit.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Awks
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If your sex drive evaporated right after you started taking a new medication there's a good chance its the medication to blame...do some research online and see if others have reported the same effect?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mine goes through phases. Sometimes I'm a massive sex pest and sometimes I don't really want it for a while. I think that's normal. Dare I say it, it might be part of getting older? Mine dropped off a lot around 22.

    (I don't know that there's a correlation, just guessing.)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    different medications affect people differently, but it sounds like this ones not suiting you
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Argh this is really fucking up my new relationship.

    It's hard to explain. With my ex, when my sex drive plummeted it was hard to know whether it was definitely due to depression/meds or whether it was something to do with our relationship. Some doubts creeped in about whether it was due to my feelings having changed, but deep down I knew I loved him and so most of the time it was easy to push back those concerns.

    However now, I've just started seeing someone new and it makes it a bit more difficult. I've changed meds again and I think these have totally killed any drive I had left. I guess I'm used to having sex with someone and then it sort of strengthening the relationship, or at least the desire to have sex with someone is a good sign that things are going in the right direction. But I'm not really feeling any of these things. At least with my ex I knew I *had* experienced these feelings. And I really like this guy (and I'm probably over thinking and worrying too much) but it puts doubts into my head because I'm not massively bothered about having sex with him. Which is the complete opposite of how I was with my last relationship.

    Ahhhh, I don't know. I guess I'm just worrying that if my sex drive doesn't come back I'll always be doubting my feelings about people.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The best advice depends on what way your sex drive has dropped. Are you still interested in sex but finding that your body simply isn't getting aroused, or are you actually really not interested in sex at all. And, even more to the point, are you interested in sex generally but just not with your new bloke, e.g. are you still wanting to masturbate, or are you just not interested at all?

    If it is a sudden drop in sex drive then I think the meds probably have something to do with it, but also don't forget that you've been very stressed recently and working long hours. Tiredness, stress and new meds will probably sink most people's sex drive. And if you start worrying about how it will affect your relationship then the stress of that is likely to sink your sex drive even lower.

    I think the best advice I can give is that sex and affection are often, but not always, the same thing. As I've said before, I often find the kissing and cuddling and snuggling far more intimate than the actual sex. If you're otherwise enjoying the kissing and cuddling just take things steadily and see what happens, you may well find that your desire comes back when you're a bit less tired and more comfortable with the new bloke.

    But just be honest with yourself. If you're still masturbating and enjoying it but you just don't fancy the bloke, then perhaps you need to think about that. If you're not interested in masturbating or anything like that either then really don't worry.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmm, so to answer your questions. I have little interest in sex at all, and I haven't masturbated in months. My body doesn't get aroused. I still *wanted* to have sex the first few times, but not really anymore. Just because the more we have sex, the more upset I get that it isn't going well and the more stressed about it I get.

    I am enjoying the kissing and cuddling but I guess it is somewhat spoiled by constantly thinking 'fuck, why am I not turned on'. I've tried to be really honest with him, and I think he's appreciated it, just bit worried that there's only so much of this shit that he can take reallllly. I think I need to stop stressing about it. Perhaps if we stop having sex for a bit it'd give me a bit more space to think. I don't know.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Are you finding that you feel nothing and don't enjoy it at all if you try using lube to get it started? Sometimes I think just accepting that lube is a big help and using that can be something that isn't bad at all, and then you will find you can just enjoy the sex and it will start to feel enjoyable/ help you feel more aroused once you are properly into it? Then that in turn can help you get over the mental block.

    Maybe try masturbating even if you have no real interest in wanting to at the moment? Take the time to try different things and maybe use material you think may arouse you and just try and get back to that stage where you feel you can be aroused in the first place. Often once it has been a while that your sex drive has been lacking, then it is easy for it to all but completely shut down, and sometimes just trying to masturbate and doing things that feel nice can remind your body of the sensations and get you feeling more into the idea again?

    A 'sex ban' in the relationship might not be a bad thing either. The pressure to have to perform will do nothing to help your sex drive come back. As has been said, try just doing other intimate things, kissing, massage, bathing together, exploring one another's bodies and so on, but with no sex on the table. The 'ban' and build up of all the other things may get you feeling in the mood itself after a while.

    Have you talked to your GP about this problem with your medication as well?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmm, so to answer your questions. I have little interest in sex at all, and I haven't masturbated in months. My body doesn't get aroused. I still *wanted* to have sex the first few times, but not really anymore. Just because the more we have sex, the more upset I get that it isn't going well and the more stressed about it I get.

    In that case I don't think you need to worry. It sounds as though you're tired and stressed and adjusting to the new medication. That's going to take a lot out of you and sex is one of the first things to go for a lot of people. I know it sucks given you want to be intimate with your new partner but it's probably worth slowing things down a bit.

    Remember that intimacy isn't just about sex, and that sex isn't just about penetration. I think Blossom is partially right in that if you force yourself to have sex, using plenty of lube, then you'll get back into the habit of it, but I also think that slowing things down may not be such a bad thing. Don't feel that you have to be the most amazing woman in bed in the history of the world, because a) life's not like that and b) if he's into you enough to travel 300 miles he's into you enough to take things slowly. Just have the conversation with him and keep talking with him, the sexual connection should come back.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds like its a medication thing to me. You're obviously still enjoying the intimacy element of the relationship with the kissing and cuddling and stuff, so I would guess you're still attracted to him.

    The lube idea is good - a gyne dr once said to me that if you first use oil based and then water based on top (of course only if your not using condoms) it can make a big difference. I'm not too sure about a sex ban but if you spend more time doing sensual rather than sexual stuff that might feel good and be a start to getting your mojo back.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys :)

    And Arctic - sorry for the confusion. I first started this thread just a couple of weeks before I broke up with my ex. So with the new guy, we're more like 10 miles apart ;)

    We use lots of lube - I don't think I'd be able to have sex without it :P but thanks for the tip about the oil based stuff. And I've only been on these meds for about 3 weeks now. I came off the last ones because of weight gain, and I think that ideally I'd like to feel better so think I'll carry on on them for a while yet :)

    I had a chat with him about it and he's cool with it. He said he'd far rather enjoy our time together without the worry of this and leave sex for now :) I'm seeing him tonight, and then won't for another couple of weeks, so things might have improved by the next time I see him.

    I think the problem is that essentially I REALLY enjoyed sex before, and so it's disappointing that it's not like that anymore. And it's hard that it's as black and white as "I enjoyed sex with my ex (well up until the end) but I'm not finding it as good with my new partner". Because I don't think it has anything to do with who it is with, but is hard not to question myself. But I'm sure I'll adjust to it etc. I just don't want the guy to think that he's doing anything wrong - because he isn't. But I've been honest and upfront about it so hopefully it's all OK.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you're communicating then it shouldn't affect your relationship. Getting the intimacy right is probably more important; if you're enjoying the kissing and cuddling and stroking then your mojo will come back soon enough. You'll find that if you take the pressure away then it will come back, and you'll be all the more excited when it does come back. I don't think you can or should compare this sexual relationship with your previous, everything is different and it will take time to adjust to each other's sexual styles and tastes.

    If you're upfront- "I like being intimate with you but sex is a bit hit and miss right now, bloody meds!"- then everything should be fine. But it is important to keep the communication lines open.
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