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Ex-girlfriend trouble...HELP!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey guys,
I'm a 22 year old college male who dated a girl for 2 and half years. We've been split for 2 years, but I still have day to day turmoil with what happened. As of lately, my ex had become more frequent with messaging and was even throwing out some mixed messages. Examples go from going into to deep detail about an event from our past to admitting that she had the best time of her life with me (she's in a relationship). She's dating a guy who, I believe, was her safety net when things were going south with us and she was the guy she started being with a few months after we split (rebound). With all of these messages lately, I chose to tell her that we shouldn't really communicate unless she's single because it would put me in the spot that her current bf was in when we were dating..which I absolutely despise. I have that mentality with more than just her..but that's another story. I'm wondering where I should go from here..I'm completely lost and torn down since she seems to be frequenting my mind and my subconscious. I really have a strong gut feeling that something is still there and that something could really be revived..but I don't know how to approach this situation. Do I start up conversation again? (it's been about 2 weeks) Or do I just hold the no contact rule and hope that she shows up again? Any advice is appreciated! Thanks guys!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Firstly why did things go south between you and her? It might sound odd me saying this, but without knowing why, it may well happen all over again. You say this guy she is with now is who she went to when things went south with you? Sounds like she could have been suffering from a case of "the grass is always greener", which seems to be happening all over again.

    Can you really trust this woman if she is messaging you in the way she is when she has a bf? Would you really want to be her rebound?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Firstly, thanks for responding so quickly!

    I believe that we "went south" because of the inclination of stress that we were both undergoing. She has a very high work ethic and school is huge for her, so she was devoting a ton of time to her schoolwork. I was going through the same thing, but I've had some rough relationships in the past (multiple girls have cheated on me), so I feel like my underlying problem was being insecure. So, in a nutshell..stress just created a problem for us because we both were leaving home for the first time and we ended up having stupid, minuscule arguments. I'm more than willing to go ahead and try again with her because I know she's a great girl. She has high morals, is intelligent, fun, etc. (I could go on and on) In my mind, she never got the chance to actually experience the break up because she went to this guy in a short period of time. At the end of my "no-contact" message, I emphasized that if she were to become single again..I would really like to sit down and get to know eachother again. I really mean that and she agreed with me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well you just have to think about what would happen if stress comes back into your lives, I've seen a lot of relationships that have worked really well because of little stress or problems, but when even small issues have risen then its been really hard for them. You might be better second time around, being more rounded people and better able to cope with things, but then again she is still chatting to you about this stuff when she is with another bloke. You mentioned that you are insecure about things in the past, but dont put future issues purely down to "insecurities" when in fact she has done, and could well do something like this again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm just really trying to decide what the best course of action is for me at this point. We've been separate for 2 years now and I have accepted everything that has happened and really worked on bringing out my better self. I exercise regularly, eat healthy, socialize (both genders), stay focused with school, and have a great time. I feel like I'm ready to approach others for relationships, but whenever I get into a situation it doesn't feel right..or I hold myself back from pursuing a relationship. I've slept with multiple girls since we've split..and none of them felt "right". I had a very compatible gf 2 years ago and I want to show her that I'm a different person. I don't know if I should maintain no contact or if I should start up the conversation again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You speak as if you did something wrong when you say
    "I had a very compatible gf 2 years ago and I want to show her that I'm a different person."

    Yet it sounds as if things didnt work out and she ran off to the nearest thing she could, did she get with this guy really quickly or were there things going on whilst you two were still an item?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, she ended up living on a guy/girl dorm floor and that guy ended up being on her floor. He originally was friends with both of us, but then he started saying inappropriate things in front of her and I...He was a mess that year because his ex left him for someone else and he was suicidal and a bunch of other crap. My ex hung out with him at times, but I wouldn't say they were building something. She broke it off during the summer when we were at home (We go to school out of state). I was hanging out with a girl right away as well and I found her wandering around the area that I was at. I later found out she was spending time with him. He was literally her only guy friend at school and I know she was going to him for coping advice and crap..he just jumped at the opportunity because she was broken. (Sad)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Erich29,

    Welcome to the boards :wave:

    Seems like from your post that you miss your ex and feel like you have grown as a person in the last 2 years, making you want to give this relationship another go.

    Considering you have been in contact lately, could this be something you could talk to her about? You say you were getting mixed messages, but has she given you reason to believe she might be interested in rekindling things?

    You have said clearly that you don't want to get in between her and her boyfriend, as this seems to have been something you have experienced, and good on you for having that respect. However could this "waiting" be stopping you from moving on?

    It seems like you have a couple of choices; Talking to her about how you feel and getting an idea as to whether she is interested (which could eventually give you some kind of closure_ - Or like you say, let her go and see if she comes to you. Staying mates with your ex can sometimes be tricky!

    Good luck and keep us updated :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    See, the issue is that 2 weeks ago I basically initiated a no contact thing with her until she's single..and if I break that, then I don't know what the interpretation of me is. I talked to her a few months back about mixed signals, but she told me she couldn't reciprocate feelings with me at that time. But, once again, she's starting to come around and say things that appear to be hinting that she might be missing me. She got involved with her current bf only a month to 2 months after breaking up..so I really think she's in a rebound relationship, which isn't healthy at all. I wish she was aware of that, but I don't want to be the one to tell her. I don't want to tell her what to do at all..I was a little controlling at times in our relationship and that's something that I've worked on mentally over the last 2 years. If I were to tell her how I feel, again..I just don't want to scare her off or lose an opportunity. And another weird thing is that on multiple occurrences, I have felt like I was going to see her on campus at our school..yesterday was one of them. I took a longer path home than usual and ended up seeing her pass by in a car..call it a coincidence, but situations like this have occurred at least 5 times in the last year (Our uni is 40,000+ students). Sometimes I feel like there are signs out there that the universe is trying to tell you something..Call me crazy, but I feel like this is one of them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You say that you feel she has got into a rebound relationship, but then also say that she has been in it for nearly two years, it could have been an issue earlier on, but if she wasn't talking to you now then would you know there was anything going wrong in her relationship?

    You also say that on 5 or so occasions in recent times you have randomly encountered her, what about the 50 million times where you have not?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know when they started dating..I'm just assuming that they started spending a lot of time together once we came back to school. And the reason why those moments stand out is because I felt inside myself that I was going to..the other "50 million times" I didn't feel that way..I'm looking for advice/opinions on what I should do with my current mindset, etc. I'm not looking to have my opinion altered.
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