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how can i stop this

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I finding things so difficult and my head is just a mess.
I have not self harmed in 3 days and I'm trying really hard not to but the urges are getting stonger and I promised my friend that I wouldn't but I am running out of things to try. Why cant I just get the thoughts out of my head.

It doesnt help its my birthday next sunday and its the first one since my nan died .
She would always take me out or we would have a few drinks and a giggle I suppose I just havnt dealt with her death it was so sudden she had pain went to hospital got diagnosed with namonia which we found out 2 weeks later was wrong and that it was actually lung and liver cancer she died a week later aged 55. I spoke to her on the phone the day she died as I wasnt aloud to see her all I can think about is the last thing she said to me going around in loop in my head.

Sorry for the rant

Comments

  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    Its best not to promise, that's putting more pressure and guilt on yourself.

    It sounds like you were both very close. The day my grandmother passed away we were suppose to go shopping together. I was still a kid, and somehow thought I was to blame, just because of the day we planned to go.
    I see her picture and wonder how it would have been. With my depression and self harming I think she would have been really supportive, and I might not have suffered as long as I did, I found it so easy to talk to her. That's why everything got so bad, because I never told anyone.

    Its always hard to try and make sense of your thoughts, have you talked about them with someone? *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i know they say not to promise people but its reali hard not to when she tells you she is sceard that i will go to far and that she doesnt understand why me taliking to her isnt enough to make me stop.

    im sorry to here about your nan, im struggling and im nearly 20 years old so i cant imagin how u must have felt.
    me and my nan were reali close she would ring me everyday just to see how my day had been and i would stop over some weekends or if i was working make time to go see her when ever i could.
    me and my mum have never been close infact most of the time we cant even be in the same room with out things kicking off but i always knew that i could go to my nans and feel completely safe she was like a second mum almost.

    i dont reali have anyone i can talk to my family seems to have moved on from it and i dont want to keep bugging my friend.
    im not sure what to do anymore i just wish i could wake up one day and it all would just have gone away.
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    It will take time. Your losing your Nan will always be with you.
    Although they may not show it, I don't think they're completely over it either. A lot of people deal with grief in many ways. One is being strong, like an example to everyone else, or so they can comfort others.
    As long as you remember the good times, you can somehow over come the bad, one day.
    I will never forget my birthday. Our mother would always get us cards and gifts, invite friends for parties, but that's not what I think. My grandmother loved making a fuss of us. She lived across from our primary school, and we would run in straight after school on our birthdays to see the kitchen table covered in food. Sandwiches, mini sausages, fairy cakes, sweets, biscuits, strawberries and cream, and homemade birthday cake, as thick as a door stop, with the most delicious cream and jam I have ever tasted. A private party for me, my siblings and our grandparents. My cake had melted candle wax on the white icing, but I still ate it.

    Remembering things like this about my grandmother, about how happy she would be to see me now. It doesn't hurt as much.
    Think of your favorite memory of your Nan. Don't rush to feel better, and you will get there.

    I wish I knew what to say about your mother. Maybe she finds it hard to connect with you too. I know I felt distant from my father when I was depressed. But I think its better now. I try to understand him and use the way he communicates- with jokes and silliness. I try to let it slide if he says something hurtful every now and then, but he doesn't mean it, he just doesn't know how to talk to me.

    If you need to talk you can message me. I log in at least once a day. xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for your comments and my mum and me had issues long before my depression she is one of the reasons I first ever self harmed for reasons I aint quite ready to talk about yet as its complicated
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    I'm sorry to hear that. Sometimes people end up with parents who don't deserve them.
    Don't worry about explaining anything, its all up to you what you share with others. xx :heart:
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