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Hi. I'm an idiot. (er, triggery things probs)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Guess I should have started this a while ago.

I'm not doing very good.

Have had to quit my job. Moving across the country to live with my dad. Because I can't function. Panic attacks daily. Sometimes I get the panicky feelings lasting all day (like today).

Best part?

The only way I can calm myself down right now is to make myself sick. And then as soon as I come back down to my desk the panicky comes back.

The fact that I'm two stone overweight at least isn't helping. I disgust myself.

I'm scared that I won't find a job because I'm so shit.

I'm scared that if I do, I won't be able to do it because I'm so fucking off the rails.

I'm scared that I'll never amount to anything and everything would be pointless.

I have days where I can't even walk properly because I'm so out of it. I'm dizzy and off balance and so, so tired.

My paranoia is off the charts. My previously sporadic claustrophobia is getting worse and worse to the point where I am not comfortable being in busy places. At all. Even if there's plenty of space around me, if I can't see a clear way out I'm freaking out. That's kind of led to me not wanting to leave the house.

I don't know what to do.

I've told my dad to get me registered at his doctor asap but I don't know what mental health support is like over there.

I have days where I just wonder what the point of myself is. I am convinced that I will never become anything. I will never be better than I am now. What is the point of carrying on if I'm just going to be this forever? I can't see a better life in my future. Not anywhere. I can't see myself getting a job, I can't see myself succeeding. I just see nothingness and emptiness. Why waste time when I should just end the misery and monotony now?

Yeah.

I dunno what to say. I don't need advice. I know I'm being stupid.

I'm sorry :(

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi, love you. That's it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was going to say you daft sausage - then I thought that that might not really help, but you're going to have to try and take that sentiment and pull out the meaning behind it.

    You made a massive amount of progress, and you were doing really well - so you've proved you can do it and you can make it work. Nothing goes perfectly for anyone all of the time, and by the sounds of it life is in a bit of a wobble. Wobbles happen to everyone, in different ways and at different times.

    The fact that you're being proactive in dealing with it, in asking for help, in recognising your limitations, in seeing the limitations of your current situation and in moving to somewhere where you'll be better placed to make progress is a huge leap on the Panda of several years ago who would have been saying how what you've written is a perfectly normal way to be.

    Congrats on what you're doing to help yourself. Try and be a little bit patient with yourself - use the support you can get here and elsewhere and start, slowly, and bit by bit trying to make the waves in the wobble a bit smaller.

    Hugs.

    (And you're definitely not an idiot, or a sausage)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Good start Franki - it'll be difficult going through this, but then you already know that.
  • ReenaReena Posts: 1,375 Wise Owl
    Just like the others have said, you're making excellent progress with the steps you have already taken.
    What you feel about the future, all of that you said is what I felt once. I stayed home, and saw nothing in myself, my future or abilities. I didn't know what to do with me life.
    But I personally think no one truly knows what they want, and struggle to see their future whether they're depressed, or the happiest person in the world. So try not to let the future worry you, none of us know what lies ahead, and thinking about can do more harm than good.

    Everything you wrote, it was like me back then. I honestly saw no point in trying to make my life anything other than what it was. But I got so much support that it changed my mind.
    Who knows how you'll feel after the right help?

    Never feel sorry or stupid, reaching out isn't easy and you may often feel unsure about what to say, just remember to keep reaching out. *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you're fab.

    I can only really echo what scary monster has said about life having it's wobbles.

    I don't know if this helps, but any time you need to rant you know where my inbox / etc. are. :) xx
  • plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
    Franki, I don't think you're being stupid. You're under a lot of pressure right now and that can cause anyone to act in a manner that they wouldn't necessarily normally do.

    As Scary Monster said, you've already made one step by recognising you're having problems and you're trying to sort them out by registering to see a Doctor in your new area. So don't underestimate the good things that you've already done :)

    There's not much I can say, but I'll give you some *hug* xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    OK, so you're not handling things well, and I guess that could in some way be described as "being stupid" However, you've spotted the difficulties and you're taking action to compensate for these difficulties, and to put yourself into a position to recover and rebuild - I call that "smart" and "brave"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys. I mwant to post this earlier in the week but I forgot.

    Thank you.

    I still feel stupid. It's getting worse, too. Could batrely be in Tesco on Wendesdy. Am right now having a massive panic attackk (worsee than any I've had for aq long fucking tiume) for no fucking reason,. Hence silly typing, sorry.

    I hate hate hate being me right now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hugs honey.

    Tesco is a dive.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hugs honey.

    Tesco is a dive.

    Unfortunately that wasn't why ;).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, I did guess.

    Deal with life in bite sized chunks young lady. Remember. Bite sized chunks.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, I did guess.

    Deal with life in bite sized chunks young lady. Remember. Bite sized chunks.

    I didn't realise Tesco would be so bad, though, y'know? I mean, I know I have to be able to see my exit and there be a CLEAR ROUTE OUT, but I didn't think that going to pick up my prescription (pharmacy is at the back of the store) at a Tesco I've been to countless times would be a problem. But I was shaking like a leaf and I could barely hide it.

    Sigh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    But you did it. Remember that bit.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    But you did it. Remember that bit.

    This.

    I wish I could offer you a solution but I can't, you know only you can do that. What I have learned though is that those solutions are there - whether medicated or not - and they are inside you. All you have to do is take your time and find them. There isn't going to be an overnight improvement back to where you were but I suspect that you know that too.

    Just focus on the fact that you *can* do it, mainly because you have before.

    (hugs)
  • ReenaReena Posts: 1,375 Wise Owl
    Thanks guys. I mwant to post this earlier in the week but I forgot.

    Thank you.

    I still feel stupid. It's getting worse, too. Could batrely be in Tesco on Wendesdy. Am right now having a massive panic attackk (worsee than any I've had for aq long fucking tiume) for no fucking reason,. Hence silly typing, sorry.

    I hate hate hate being me right now.

    I hated going out. I was terrified and suspicious of people and the world outside. Even now I sometimes feel I can't deal with it. And that's ok, those days I feel I need to be alone, away from crowds and stuff. So I don't go unless I really have to, or want to. But most of them time I go and its not as bad. I walk with my head up more, and just think, focus on what I'm doing or getting, ignore everything else.
    I used to walk always staring at the floor. (:

    I had a panic attack about a year or 2 ago, and it was terrifying, so I understand how hard it must be for you suffering with them. Just take your time, one foot in front of the other. *hug* xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hugs Franki Xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Moving today. Have barely got anything packed. Every time I think about it my throat seizes up and my brain is all LOLNO HAS A PANIC ATTACK INSTEAD.

    So last night I spent shaking and unable to take deep breaths.

    Today seems as though it will be similar. My dad will be here in about an hour and a half. Fuck's sake, brain. FUCK. OFF.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fuck's sake, brain. FUCK. OFF.

    If it does, tell me how you did it coz mine needs to fuck right off too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    RubberSkin wrote: »
    If it does, tell me how you did it coz mine needs to fuck right off too.

    *hug*

    Brain transplants should be a totally legit treatment for mental health problems >.<
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To be honest, if you are stressing that it happened in a Tesco shop of all places then I wouldnt be worrying over that. Although I'm not having panic attacks, I'm feeling unease been surrounded by lots of strangers since I got back from my trips abroad. Who knows if it will pass in time or not, but recently I've avoided tesco unless its been 3am in the morning when its very quiet. In my recent experience there oft seems to be a lot of rude and inconsiderate, loud and annoying people in tescos. Loud bangs and sudden loud alarms are bothering me too.

    Yeah I think we have different things going on, but I'm with you on being un easy about things. Big hugs to you frankipanda lady.
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