How do I make my employer/host family like me.

Former Member

Should this be in work? I thought it was more related to relationships.
Hello!
atm I'm an au pair in France, and I can feel very much that the mother in my host family that I'm working for doesn't like me. The children seem to like me and I get on reasonably well with the father, but I don't think the mother likes me at all. She is very smart and professional and Parisian, and I am very much not, and a lot of the time she winces when I snort when I laugh or looks at my clothes a bit like 'what the fuck is she wearing'.
Because the children like me and there is nothing wrong with what I'm actually doing (I'm cooking healthy meals, doing the cleaning properly and so on) I don't think she'll fire me, but I really want her to like me, which is quite a weird feeling.
I've never cared before about people liking me, but it would make things so much easier and pleasant for everybody if she could like me rather than just tolerate me. I don't want to be her friend AT ALL though (just to make that clear) and I am not a natural sycophant in the slightest.
How can I make her like me even just a little bit? Is that even possible? She definitely can't see any 'natural charm' I may have ever possessed.

Former Member

That sounds really frustrating. I feel like I can relate a little because I feel at times my boyfriend's mum doesn't like me. The most frustrating thing though is that I think there isn't really anything else you can do beyond what you're doing already which is being the best au pair to her children that you can possibly be.

I do think you should consider that it is definitely her problem rather than yours, if there is even a problem in the first place. It may just be the kind of person she is, especially towards new people.

**helen**

clementine_the_tangerine wrote: »

I do think you should consider that it is definitely her problem rather than yours, if there is even a problem in the first place.

:yes: agreed.

Would you say she comes across as someone who has authority and perhaps has the tendency towards self-importance? People who think highly of themselves (or at least give the impression that they do) often respond well to being asked for advice or their point of view. Perhaps you could ask her advice on good places to shop, eat etc (even if you have no intention of going there )

Often though, these things come with time. If you observe someone for long enough then you can get a sense of their routine, likes/dislikes and learn enough to be able to chat with them on a pleasant level beyond as you say a tolerable one.

Do you know if she's had an au pair before?

Former Member

@clem I know there isn't really anything much I can do, but it would make things so much easier for me if I didn't feel like an imposition the moment I ask/do anything non children related. I'm not taking it as a personal offence but uggghhhh.

@Helen She seems to be irritated by EVERYTHING that comes out my mouth, whatever it is. There is advice that I actually need to ask her, but I'm too scared of being winced or snapped at to ask. A pleasant conversation is probably a long way away.

I don't know what to do. I asked her today if she wanted me to leave (she asked me first) and she said no, so she can't hate me that much. It's difficult really.

Former Member

Yeah it is tricky. But I would just ask those questions anyway as difficult as it may be when you know her reaction is just going to be awkward. Don't let her lack of social skills scupper your experience. I have a similar problem but with my boyfriend's mum and barely get a response let alone a proper conversation. I just talk her to death now and continue on my merry way. No idea if she finds it irritating but I'm not all that bothered. My mode of thinking is that I'll grow on her.. eventually :thumb:

How are you finding being in Paris in general? Have you made friends and been places? I'm only asking because I think if you have a few distractions then maybe this won't seem like such a big thing. No idea what your work schedule is like but I hope you are finding time to enjoy Paris.

Former Member

Do you think it would be weird and innapropriate if I asked her husband, who I get on well with, if she had some kind of problem with me? And then he could just say something like 'she's very shy and just comes across like that to new people' or something similar and then I'd stop feeling so bad about it. Is that an ok thing to do?

Paris is amazing. I new nobody at all when I came so I had no inhibitions at all about talking to new people so I've made friends at festivals and stuff (I felt weirdly brave about going to a festival by myself cos it's something I would NEVER have done in England). The family take the piss a bit though when it comes to using the 'flexibility' that an au pair is supposed to offer so that's causing a few issues.

I don't think there's really much I can do short of being a different person/staying out of her way/giving it more time so I'll probably just put up and shut up.

**helen**

grace wrote: »

Do you think it would be weird and innapropriate if I asked her husband, who I get on well with, if she had some kind of problem with me? And then he could just say something like 'she's very shy and just comes across like that to new people' or something similar and then I'd stop feeling so bad about it. Is that an ok thing to do?

It's great to hear you're getting on well with the Dad in the family I'm also super impressed about the festival - this in itself shows that you've totally made the right move by going to Paris

Overall, I think it could be fine to chat with him about the situation, but (as I'm sure you would do anyway) it's good to think really carefully how you would word what you want to say. For instance, suggesting she has a problem with you has the potential to come across as a little bit negative or possibly even offensive to both him and her (if he repeats the conversation back to her) so one tack you might want to consider is going in from a really positive perspective. For example, you could say "I'm really trying to make a good impression with your wife, but I'm not sure I'm going about it the right way and so I was hoping you could maybe give me some tips and feedback" That kind of thing - but obviously totally in your own words. You could also explain that you're asking because you want to make the most of your experience and build good relationships with them. What do you reckon?

Former Member

Perhaps it's the fact that you're getting on with her husband and she feels threatened?

Former Member

Yeah I'm not sure that would be the right move because it could make the situation awkward or worse. Also it might come across as quite confrontational. I was thinking about this last night and one way I thought may be is to say something along the lines of 'I'm realy conscientious and want to work to the best of my ability with your family. I'd really appreciate a time we can all sit down so that I can take some feedback on how you both think I'm doing'.

I think doing it this way would avoid the potentially damaging situation of singling out the mother as being the one with the problem and shows that you take the initiative and want to improve. I think it really may help improve your outlook on the situation too as it sounds like you're doing a great job already so may very well get lots of positive feedback.

Not sure if you're with an agency or anything as I'm not sure how being an au pair overseas works? But you mentioned about the family taking the piss a bit with flexibility. Maybe you could chat it over with the agency on how you could handle that but one idea is tactfully but assertively stating your position with regards to flexibility during the discussion with the family. I think it may feel easier if you have the support and backup of something like agency guidelines too because you could easily put the responsability with them. E.g. 'Agency limits my flexibility to... blah blah'. Those would be the rules and something they can't really argue with or take a personal affront with you.

I hope this all makes sense. I typed it quite fast because it's been on my mind. And I'm really glad you're enjoying Paris Rather jealous!!

plugitin

Parisians are quite snooty anyway. It's happened to me before, it's how they are. Don't take it personally, please. They're like that to everyone. I know it's probably not what you wanted to hear but that has been my experience generally.

The fact that she doesn't want you to leave means that she most likely likes you, it's just she doesn't show it in the same way her husband does/the way you're used to.

I got a lot of eye-rolling and what is she wearing/eating but it's the french way of doing things. I'm not sure what you can do to change it, because she might not see anything wrong with what she's doing.

I hope it's going well

Former Member

I thought about it last night and I'm too shy to ask him that anyway, so it's irrelevant. The tips and feedback thing comes up most nights anyway, without an actual sit down, because I'm like 'this happened today, what do I do about it' and then they tell me. Or vice versa.

I found the family on the aupairworld.net, which is a bit like a dating site really, instead of going through an agency (bit of a daft decision but the agencies I spoke to said they wouldn't be able to find me a family in Paris because they have the pick of any au pair so they weren't going to choose me) so I can't talk about it with anyone sort of Official. They've only done something 'against the rules' once when they were 2 and a half hours late home one night, but they paid me extra for that. It's things like not telling me which nights I'm babysitting until that morning and so on. Things that annoy me and make my life difficult rather than break our contract. Obviously I organise my social life around my job, rather than the other way round, but I wouldn't put up with such short notice from another job so I think I'm going to have to bring it up with them.

Ballerina, I don't think there's any danger of her feeling threatened by me. By 'getting on well' I mean I can hold a genuinely interesting and normal and pleasant conversation about Proper Things like stuff in the news (rather than about bathtime/hoovering/has she done a poo today? etc. which is the extent of my conversations with the mother). I don't in any way Socialise with him. Just talk with him and stuff when it would be weird and awkward not to. I hadn't thought about it like that at all though!

Plugitin, I'm glad that it's a normal thing and I'm not the only one!

Thank you everyone

Former Member

On the flexibility things, a starting point might be to talk about naming one ir two week day nights where you normally wouldn't be asked to babysit, so you can plan other things. You can sound keen by offering that you're obviously happy to swap those br prior arrangement

Former Member

This probably belongs in work now, but I thought Id keep the same thread.

She's gone from being cold to me, to just being an outright bitch. She regularly insults me, my family and my country (stuff like 'I don't know what your parents taught you, clearly nothing') as well as having an odd obsession that I am taking their milk. I'm not. Every evening she comes home and criticises me and insults me for a bit, but I am never sure what it will be about, so I can't prevent it. Almost every evening I end up in tears, althought I don't let her see. I don't get along with her husband as well as I used to, he's pretty much stopped talking to me.

However, I get along very well indeed with the kids. I love the little girl like she's a part of my family, and my relationship with the little boy is very good (I think he might be autistic though, and I have mentioned this to the parents but they just said what he does is what all little boys do, though it's clearly not.)

Finding another au pair job will be easy, as I am English speaking with references, and available for interview. Should I stay or should I go though? Getting into the routine and habits of this family, and establishing a relationship with the kids was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and doing it again for a different family would be similarly difficult. However I don't know how much more of that woman's hideousness I can bear.

Former Member

I think the autistic bit might have been the clincher. People hate other saying that their little darlings are anything other that beautifully normal.

Personally, I would sit down and talk to them both about how the situation is and what you could do to improve it. If she's not being fair then I would think about looking elsewhere - you do not have to tolerate abuse from your employers.

Former Member

Miss_Riot wrote: »

I think the autistic bit might have been the clincher. People hate other saying that their little darlings are anything other that beautifully normal.

Personally, I would sit down and talk to them both about how the situation is and what you could do to improve it. If she's not being fair then I would think about looking elsewhere - you do not have to tolerate abuse from your employers.

I didn't say the word 'autistic' - I mentioned a few things that are out of the ordinary that he does and was like 'should he really be doing these things?' and then she said that the previous nanny had said the same thing, so it was just normal and no one should worry. She refuses to believe that he does anything bad or weird- a couple of months ago he hit me across the face with a stick and split my lip and then she was like 'it was just an accident, he didn't want to leave the park.'

I really want to have that talk with them about the situation, but I can never find the right time. Just after they've done something terrible is no good, because it'll just end up with me crying and them being like 'shut up', but then when things are going a bit better I don't want to rock the boat by bringing up bad stuff. The worst thing is is it's not a problem with how I'm working, or how they're treating me in terms of my job, it's just a massive personality clash. I'm over sensitive and she's cold and bitchy.

The longer I think about it, the less likely I think it is that I'm going to leave. It would be a massive effort, given the building relationships, new routines and so on. It's normally just about bearable, so I think I'm going to stick here and bear it.

Reena

Not an easy situation grace.
If you're not happy then you need to say. Pick a calm moment when everything is going okay, that's the best time to talk things through, but you'll have to choose your words carefully. At the end of the day it's your decision how you handle it.
I have to say he sounds like a spoilt brat. You shouldn't have to put up with that behavior if it causes you physical harm. Is there an authority or agency you could go to for advice? Are you part of a nanny service/ agency? -They could help if you are.
If I were you I'd be asking for danger money on top of the salary, to work with children like that.
Take care hun. xx

Former Member

shes bullying you. I think you should leave, and leave her a bad review on that website.

Former Member

I've noticed this with au-pairs, I think the wives are sometimes threatened by new women in the house, especially when they get on well with their husbands. The little put downs and snorts at you will be her way of showing her dominance. Just from experience though, I've seen 3 aux pairs have exactly the same experience for similar reasons. In your case it could be different...

Former Member

After today's shenanigans (see the ranty thread) I NEED to have a massive talk to her. Just because I CAN just about put up with it, doesn't mean I should. I'm going to get this sorted out before I go home for Christmas on the 22nd

Former Member

I've had a big talk with her about the whole thing, and it went really really well, so I think I'm going to stay. Basically, her response was we need to learn to live together, not you need to learn to live with us, which I thought was encouraging. I think we just need to talk with more rather than letting it all build up in a massive bitchy thing that ends in us just hating each other. She also seems to want me to be there a bit less at the weekends, which is excellent, because although I'd really rather be part of the family where we eat meals together because we actually WANT to and so on, being able to eat my meals by myself in my flat is a million times better than sitting awkwardly through the family lunches on sundays and not knowing whether I should tidy up afterwards to 'earn my keep.'

I reallly hope I'm making the right decision by staying, because this is probably the last opportunity I'll get to change families.

Former Member

That sounds really positive. If you're getting more time to yourself at the weekend then it leaves a lot more scope for you to do your own thing and build up a social life of your own. Hopefully meeting some people your own age which will give you better language skills than just hanging out with kids all the time. Win al around.

Former Member

I just went to make a cup of tea and then the mum came and shouted at me. She shouts at me when I keep milk in my room and she shouts at me when I use the milk in the fridge. I can't do anything right. And tomorrow I have to supervise all the children in the extended family for a second Christmas that I'm not allowed to partake in. I want to leave so badly. We decided that we'd give it a fresh start after Christmas but they're not keeping to their side of the bargain. I need to leave because otherwise I think I'll go mad.

I can't leave my lovely children though to grow up in a horrible family like that. Their dad is awful to them, especially the little girl. He is always shouting at her and he hits her when all she needs is to go to bed because she's tired. I want them to have somebody constant in their lives that treats them like children should be treated and all they are getting is a succession of foreign women that are more like mothers to them than their real one. People shouldn't have children if they're going to treat them like shit.

Indrid Cold

Anyone you can report that to?

Former Member

What Indrid said.

Also, you were going to have to leave them eventually anyway. Leaving now doesn't change that. It sounds like you're in an almost untenable situation - combined with what you have described in the past as a tendency to depression I would worry that you're not really able to take care of yourself where you are now.

Former Member

Agree too. You've been beyond reasonable and tried multiple ways to address the problem and get along with everyone. I would def report it and perhaps use this thread as a tool to record stuff in chronological order.

Former Member

I was quite hysterical when I wrote that, I'm a lot calmer now.

By report it, do you mean report the way they treat the children or me?
If it's the children, I assume you mean report the hitting to the police? It's not actual abuse that will do her physical damage, but smacking and shouting when it's completely unnecessary and counterproductive.
If it's me, there's no one I can report it to. I stupidly (like lots of other au pairs) chose the family on an au pair matching website rather than going through an agency. So I have no support.

She's also 'forgotten' to pay me, so that's another thing I'm going to have to bring up.

Their own family situation aside, I'm worried that it's because of me that our relationship is going badly. I am prone to depression, I'm also shy and quite quiet, so maybe they think that I don't like them (I don't any more, but I did at the very beginning.) Also I think I've been being a doormat and letting them walk all over me. I'm worried that my relationship would be the same with any other host family too.

I've just sent an email to an actual agency asking for advice/support in changing families.

Former Member

grace wrote: »

By report it, do you mean report the way they treat the children or me?
If it's the children, I assume you mean report the hitting to the police? It's not actual abuse that will do her physical damage, but smacking and shouting when it's completely unnecessary and counterproductive.

I meant the children. I wouldn't worry about whether it was your 'fault' or not that you don't get on well, just go into whatever you decide to do next as though this had never happened - if one bullying mother allows you to feel bad about yourself into your next venture, she's won. I certainly wouldn't assume that being prone to depression and an introvert make you bad at your job - I know professionals in all fields, including teachers and clergy, who are both of those but do amazing work and have good relationships with people.

Also, well done for taking a step towards changing and getting support :thumb:

Former Member

Hi grace,

Well done for taking the courage to talk to the mum, it can be really hard to approach these kind of situations - but communication is the key here!:yes:

Sometimes we think after talking to someone things will change immediately - unfortunately people take time to change and adjust to what has been agreed - is it possible this is the case with the mum?

On another note, if you feel that there is a sense of bullying involved then have a look at this article which shows ways to deal with it.

Also our articles on Quitting your job and Mental health at work can also be helpful in this situation.

Let us know how you get on *hug*

Former Member

I think the mum is having a nervous breakdown of some sort. She is behaving fucking weirdly - I have to ask permission before taking toilet roll, and for a couple of weeks I wasn't allowed to use the washing machine. She keeps calling me a thief and is obsessed with what I eat. They are behaving awfully to their kids - neither of them came home for my sweet little girl's fourth birthday. I want to pick my kids up and then run away with them so they can be with a family that's going to treat them properly. When she does things that are actually not in my contract, I say no or ask for extra money, but it's not like I can demand five euros for every time she calls me a name.

I am aware that I haven't really said anything new, and that I've been asking for the same advice for months but it's got a million times worse in the last month. I really haven't been ignoring what you've all said!! I'm not going to leave - it's not fair on the kids - but I need to know how to deal with her caprices because she is being ridiculous too now, not just unpleasant.

Indrid Cold

Please don't take this the wrong way, but the way you refer to the kids as if they were yours is worrying me...

Former Member

Indrid Cold wrote: »

Please don't take this the wrong way, but the way you refer to the kids as if they were yours is worrying me...

What way should I take it then?
I feel like their mother. I'm the one that gives them goodnight kisses, keeps in touch with their teachers to see what's going on at school, makes cakes for birthday parties. I've spent more time, so far this year, with the kids than the parents have. Even so, I'm not going to run away with them though, I just want to. However distant and useless their parents are, the children need them.