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I need a good rant ><

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
EDIT: And to think i cut this short >< I do apologize this a fucking long rant.

It's been 5 months since i've posted here, and i'm just in one of this shittest moods ever and i really need to get a lot of stuff off my chest, not really care if anyone reads it, or if i sound pretentious or spoilt or like a twat... I just need to get things in the open.

I don't even know if this is the right place to post, could probably fit in half the sections in this forum, law, life, money, relationships, housing, education... So if it's in the wrong place or you feel it's more suited somewhere else feel free to move it.

And on a side note, as much as i'd like some help~ please don't post a load of links to various places people, samaritans i can talk to i don't really think that's what i need. Not that i know what i need, else i'd be setting things straight.

I guess this all started about... 2 years ago when i left school at the age of 16. Too keep a long boring story short, i chose to go on a two week holiday instead of doing my A levels (I don't regret the holiday as it was one i will always remember... and the best two week I've had for as long as i can remember). After i dropped out of my A levels, i thought i could go get a job things would be easy. Nah, found out sooner than later life wasn't easy. And i was to shy to try going back to school... I couldn't cut it.

When i did my GCSE's i had the most amazing summer, looking back at it i did. But at the time, i was struggling through depressing and the loss of my 4 years running girlfriend. Was tough... And in spite of that, i started smoking a lot of weed, everyday even dabbled in dealing it for a bit, until i got caught.

So after that summer, i went to do A levels and dropped out. Got involved in the wrong people, i started sniffing bubble at the start for fun, then it got heavy, the next 8 months were a blur. I got far into it, and extremely addicted. Until the one day i quit, walked away and never touched it again. I still can't look at white powder without scratching myself though. After i'd got away from it all, and i'd been living away from home for quite some time, my life was all squiffy and wasn't right. My head was in the wrong place. And for the next 6 months, i was drifting from living with my girlfriend to moving home. Until last August when we'd split up.

I was at breaking point did some stupid things, got lost at plenty of parties. And this dissapeared from Plymouth, to Dawlish for two weeks without a trace, no phone nothing. I needed the break, and was staying with a friend who looked after me very well. And the day i returned to Plymouth i got invited to a party. The party that changed everything again... I'm so easily lead astray i'm my own worst enemy.

This party was by pure chance... I wasn't even going to go, but my friend couldn't get any drugs and i was the only person with contacts. So i called a friend at this party and got them to sort me and ounce. Was a pretty good party, and the next day i stayed to clean up and sort shit out.

I'd made quite good friends with the two lads that lived in this flat, and they said i could move in for a little bit of rent and as long as i was cool with partying everyday and going out down the town. I was cool with that. I was heartbroken, and drinking everyday solved my problems.

After about 3 weeks at the flat, i got a phone call... At about 2 in the morning, i was a bit drunk, and so was my flat mates. A friend needed somewhere to stay, and i'm not the sort of person to make them sleep rough, and invited them round. Turns out he was with my brother (Not my real one, but a friend i'd known all my life), he'd also brought with him this girl. Couldn't keep my eyes off here, she was beautiful. Me and her hit it off and for the next 8 months i was amazing... Well for me, i was the happiest ever, things were looking up. But she wasn't couldn't deal with living with me, i'm a head case so that didn't surprise me hugely.

So this brings us up to April this year, she leaves but this doesn't effect me so much. I kinda knew from the start that this wasn't going to last for long. She was moving to London before she met me anyway. None the less, for a bit i was just not me. I was empty, apathetic. It took everything out of my, all my emotion and i became cold and heartless. Apathy was never my thing, i've always been an emotional person. Very empathetic too, I could always listen to people, offer them sympathy and help then with their problems as much as i could. But after everything at this point, it was all gone. I was just a depressed, pessimistic, cynical sort of person. I was a cunt. A nasty guy, where i only put myself first and everyone last. Too be honest, i still am, this is still who i am now, and i can't drag myself from this rut. I want to be nice, and the person i was when i was younger but every time i try i remind myself why i'm never good to people.

Where does this leave my now, well currently i just moved to a new flat a couple miles away from where i used to live. Thought i'd sort myself out, do things properly and get my life on track. But everyday, i look at the pictures of the past couple years. And i feel my life is slipping away... That everything isn't fun and game anymore, that shits getting serious. I don't feel young. I'm 18 for fucks sake. I've got atleast 42 more years in me, and i feel like my life is already over.
I feel like nothing will change.

I started college two weeks ago, doing a Level 3 ICT course, equivalent to some A levels. Gets me some UCAS points so i can go to University. Although my main aim for building the courrage to go back to education, was so i could meet people and make friends. To make me into a confident person again. The way i used to be... being around fresh people, with prospects who wanted to go places, rather than claim JSA and snort there life away.

For the first couple of days it felt good, i thought i was making progress and it was doing me good. But it turns out, i've been put in Group 3 of my course. And that there are only 18 people in it. Not interesting people, shy people, quite geeky (Non of this is meant to be a dig at these people, i'm sure they're all amazing). But none of them do things, or go out... They're not social butterflies. Which means making new friends and doing things is kinda outta the question.

I skipped college today, because i couldn't make it. Well... Not that i couldn't make it, i had a dream, i was low in consciousness this morning, i was half awake, but unaware that i was dreaming. It was more of a nightmare too, I can't remember too much, but people where after me and i was getting tired and out of breath. And there was this girl, who was with me throughout the dream... I can't remember her face, just that she was beautiful, and we'd be running from these people forever, but together... At the end i was laying on a beach still running from these people, she was stood there and i was fading out of consciousness i presume i was dying, she held me and kissed me. And boom like an electric shock, i was awake, bolt upright in my bed. Shocked and confused.

You might be wondering why i bothered to write my dream and explain it, but it's what has been causing my to have a very shit day. I split up with my girlfriend earlier and skipped college, layed in my flat smoking and thinking mainly. Thinking about all this. And how the past 2 years, have some what ran away from me.

Thinking about how I've changed, and how my life has changed... How i'm not the person i want to be. How I feel old in the head. I feel like i missed the boat somewhere, missed a chance... And made the wrong choice.
How this morning, when i woke up from my dream, was the first time in so long, i felt emotion... I felt happy, sad, and in love... And then all the downfalls when i realised that i was just on my own, in my flat alone.

I don't know where to go from here or what to do with my life. But somethings wrong, and i need to fix it, for once i want help, and need it. Instead of trying to do things by myself.

I don't even know if any of that makes sense, chronological order might of helped.
But i doubt anyone will even read this far. But if you have, please don't hold back on a response, i need a sharp dose of reality.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Please don't take this to be judgmental, I witnessed quite a few of my friends go through similar shit due to drone and the other reasonably dirty uppers, and to be honest, the greatest help for most of them getting back into life was seeing their GP. Rinsing the artificial neurochemicals can cause problems for the body in producing the natural analogue once you come off the powders. That's the place your GP can help.

    Another thing to consider if that your life probably wont revolve around nightlife to the same degree after this, one of my mates has taken a nightshift job and thats made the biggest change, nights out, when they do happen (they're a lot less of a feature than the drone days) are definately a lot more chilled, which can take a bit of time to get used to but he seems a lot happier these days.

    I think, and not to sound harsh, you should embrace the quieter social scene you've been thrust into at college, at least give it a bash, you've got nothing to lose by making a shot at inclusion in the group, you might even find you've got stuff in common, or even find some new hobbies, one of the best ways to turn a situation around is by throwing yourself into it, which might even be easier after you feel in a better place mentally, which (sorry for being repetitive) a visit to the GP can't hurt with, it might not be easy, but i know the boards will be here to support you if you need us.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey. You don't sound like a twat. :) For 18 you've lived through alot. Stuff I can't begin to imagine, you sound really strong. It's great you gave up the drugs (can I ask what bubble is?) and started A levels. Yeah it can be boring,( I think I'm starting to lose interest and I've only just started..) but just like we were told too many times last year it seems they're really needed now. I really hope things start to look up for you, it sounds like you'doing the right thing. :) Hope you're ok and all the best. Always available for a chat. F x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    S, I know you posted this a while ago, but I wanted to send my love :heart: and also say YOU MISSED OUT THE AMAZING PART WHERE I CAME TO STAY. :impissed:

    Hope you're doing better now *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    S, I know you posted this a while ago, but I wanted to send my love :heart: and also say YOU MISSED OUT THE AMAZING PART WHERE I CAME TO STAY. :impissed:

    Hope you're doing better now *hug*

    That's because, you saved my ex girlfriends life. Do you know how devastating that is for me?

    And yeah i'm doing alright now i suppose.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hahahaha, she wasn't your ex at the time! I didn't even bloody know what to do it was a fucking crazy night. I remember getting off the train, and you weren't there, and I thought I'd made an awffuuulll mistake and that you weren't gonna show up!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You were the one who randomly came down :') And She wasn't at the time, but damn if she died. So much happiness would be had right here, right now (fatboy slim). It was a good time though... ;)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When I'm 16 I'll be down again, will be a right laugh... get more than just weed and drink this time aayyy ;)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When I'm 16 I'll be down again, will be a right laugh... get more than just weed and drink this time aayyy ;)

    Yesh mon, i'll be 19 the day beforee too aha. We should get our stomp on and go for a rave down town (Y)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes you know! Ahhhh want the months to hurry up!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes you know! Ahhhh want the months to hurry up!
    It's not long now, like 5 months? ;D
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's 154 days :D
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