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Not worth reading...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I just need to say this...I don't really expect anyone to read it or do anything about it because it's just a really boring rant and I should just sort myself out but I need to get it out before it eats away at me :(

I'm constantly exhausted - literally no energy for anything. All I want to do is sleep.

I have lost all interest in anything I used to consider fun...Just after my Dad died I stopped seeing my friends...I'm doing the same again now even though I need them now more than ever...but whats the point when they dont get it?

I have a new job - I should be excited/thrilled, etc, etc but I don't care.

I still haven't reached a point where his death is not my waking thought or the last thing I think about before bed...It seems to be going round and round in my mind 24/7

I have realised I am still really angry with my family.

I feel absolutely helpless - my Mum is really struggling and openly shows it - yet I can't do anything to help and to be honest, I don't have the energy to because I don't even know how to help myself.

I know that I'm slowly sinking back into the place I was before but I just can't stop myself :crying:

I don't know how to deal with a family that yet again seem to be falling apart.

I've reverted back to being angry with my Dad for causing all of this.

I just don't want to live anymore :crying: I know that everyone thinks I'm selfish for thinking that and I know that I am selfish but seriously...I'm falling apart and no-one realises just how much and I just want someone to make this go away...just for a day...just so I can remember what it felt like when life was simple and normal and care-free and didn't require all the crappy responsibilities I've now got...:crying:
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    These are very common signs of depression hot-tits. You need to head back to your GP with this list.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't want to see my GP :(

    He will refer me to a counsellor I can't see because of my new working hours or he'll stick me on meds which I don't want to take...most of all...he'll label me as "depressed" and I don't want that either :crying:

    Why can't things just be simple and normal and care-free...most of all...why can't my friends just understand that losing a parent is bloody hard!!!!!! :crying:

    Sorry...I do appreciate the reply...and knowing someone is reading/listening...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    More than a quarter of people will have a mental health issue. It's a minority, but not a small one. I understand why you don't want the label, but there are so many of us who have it, or have had it, and are fine, more than fine, and forever improving.

    Imagine if cancer had the same stigma mental health did, and instead of refusing a course of SSRIs to get you through a rough patch, you're refusing chemo...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I guess its not so much the label...more the fact that having it makes it real...if that makes sense? I guess I also cant work out if its "depression" or the "depressed stage" in terms of the grieving process...?

    When you put it like that, its stupid to refuse...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yes it is. If your GP is a dickwad, then see someone different.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My GP is lovely...gunna go for a massively long workout today...maybe that will make me feel better!?!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't give up WhiteLillies. You will have these difficult points from time to time, but going through them and learning from them is just part of the experience. I can't remember exactly when the last time I had one was, I think I've had mild versions a few times earlier on this year, but they are getting less frequent and I am so much better at managing them now.

    It is perfectly okay to accept some medicinal help to get you through this. I needed sleeping pills to give me a bit of a boost through a particularly bad patch. Taking some meds for depression doesn't have to be a permanent thing, nor does it mean that you'll be labelled as a depressive for the rest of your life. Complicated Grief is a distinct type of depression, and the circumstances that have caused it to come about are very different to the more common types of depression.

    If your GP is lovely, go back and see them. Accept the help that is being offered - there is absolutely no reason that you don't deserve to take help from others when it's needed.

    Few people that I've worked with have known about my Dad and my complicated grief, though Uni did know and it was a positive thing. They were able to make adjustments for me that worked in my favour. I can, however, completely understand why you'd be reluctant to let your new workplace know. How is your search for an evening counsellor going?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Purple_roo wrote: »
    Complicated Grief is a distinct type of depression, and the circumstances that have caused it to come about are very different to the more common types of depression.

    Only one other person has ever suggested that it's complicated grief...but that was the counsellor I didn't stick with...
    Purple_roo wrote: »
    Few people that I've worked with have known about my Dad and my complicated grief, though Uni did know and it was a positive thing. They were able to make adjustments for me that worked in my favour. I can, however, completely understand why you'd be reluctant to let your new workplace know.

    How did you broach the subject with uni? I know my previous programme administrator was aware along with my PDA who was the only person I had contact with over my placement year but now I've moved to the distant learning course, it is run by different people and I guess I'm not entirely sure how to go about informing them or how to even start the conversation. I know my studies will be impacted based purely on how I feel at the moment and I go back next week...so I guess I should be prepared to have that conversation with them!?
    Purple_roo wrote: »
    How is your search for an evening counsellor going?

    I have found one that works evenings and weekends but I feel a little bit lost in terms of not knowing qualifications, recommendations, etc...I was wondering if I went to my GP, if they could recommend someone other than the NHS team? I'm also assuming the NHS team don't work evenings!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm struggling to find a resource that explains why I'm calling it complicated grief. Perhaps the people you've spoken to previously either picked up on your dislike of labels, or don't like using definite terminology like that themselves? The reason I'm calling it so is because of the manner of bereavement (suicide), your mention of flashbacks previously (a PTSD-like symptom of complicated grief) and how you generally seem to be coming across. You can read more about complicated grief here (sorry for using wikipedia though ;))http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complicated_grief_disorder. Just don't apply everything you read in that article to yourself - I'm not naturally depressive but I've still suffered from it.

    I guess I'm also calling it that through personal experience. My Nan died suddenly a year before my Dad, and whilst I was upset, I went through the normal grieving process. I'm quite close to my Nan, though not necessarily on a comparable level to my Dad, so it's maybe not a like-for-like comparison. But then because of the different situation in which my Dad died, I didn't get as far through the normal grieving process as I should have. Complicated grief is more prevalant in parental bereavements as well.

    Uni knew from the off. My Dad died from cancer, so the whole process happened over 2-3 months or so (though he'd been diagnosed about 6 months earlier). I approached my personal tutor and department coordinator because when he was first hospitalised I left uni for a week to go back home and visit him (which resulted in him telling me to 'fuck off and get on with my final year of uni and make him proud' hehe) and so I needed permission to be off uni and missing classes. Luckily, my uni&department were absolutely brilliant at pastoral support, and because I was so communicative with them there was nothing but understanding. Do you have a personal tutor on the distance learning course? I started the conversation with a quite matter-of-fact email, explaining that this was the problem and that I would probably need some adjustments etc. It is worth having the conversation with them - even pre-warning them prior to anything actually needing to be done.

    Do go back to your GP and ask - they are there as a source of information, as well as being there to provide treatment. You don't have to do this on your own.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ahh ok...thank you for the link, I will have a read after work :)

    Ohh I see...well I guess once I've started uni and know who everyone is I might send them an email explaining the situation. I'm not sure if I have a personal tutor as of yet but I have spoken to the programme administrator on several occasions and she seems nice enough :)

    I guess I just feel like I'm wasting my GP's time but when I first went to explain what had happened he was lovely and wanted to offer as much help as possible...I just refused it at the time...

    Now I have to get my head around the fact I've just received all my paperwork for my new job and it would appear that they are so strict, they even indicate what colour glasses you can wear...!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ...erm, I'm sorry, what?! They dictate what colour glasses you can wear?! Are you customer facing?

    You are not wasting your GP's time, especially as he's so keen to offer. It's common at the start not to want to take people up on the offer, but you're in a better place now, even if you don't feel like it.

    Meh, the wikipedia entry is quite clinical, but it mentions the complicated bereavement situations that are how i understand it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have asked to rescind my resignation from my current job...I don't know what I was thinking moving job...Im such an idiot...my manager is ok with it I think/I hope!!!

    I know now that I'm staying where I am, I can sort something out with regards to counselling and I can go back to my doctor. I've been struggling so much and I just don't know what to do...everything just feels like one big mess :crying:

    Sorry x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote: »
    Imagine if cancer had the same stigma mental health did, and instead of refusing a course of SSRIs to get you through a rough patch, you're refusing chemo...

    As someone who has refused SSRIs multiple times, you have just blown my mind.
    I have asked to rescind my resignation from my current job...I don't know what I was thinking moving job...Im such an idiot...my manager is ok with it I think/I hope!!!

    I know now that I'm staying where I am, I can sort something out with regards to counselling and I can go back to my doctor. I've been struggling so much and I just don't know what to do...everything just feels like one big mess

    Sorry x

    You have nothing to be sorry for WhiteLillies!!! We are here to listen :).

    I'm sure your manager will be ok with it, depression isnt some crazy taboo, people understand it a lot more now in the general population than they used to.

    Life often feels really messy... just remember to keep one foot in front of the other and keep going. We are here. x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why have you made that decision sweetheart?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really hope she is ok with it...I can't sleep as I'm worrying about it.

    I guess I need stability. So many things have changed, I don't think I can cope with anymore. I never really wanted the new job...I just liked the idea of running away from how I feel but moving isn't going to do that...moving is going to make it harder when none of them know me or my personal circumstances. I don't like just how regimented they are-I would feel constantly on edge and worrying about everything I say and do.

    What is wrong with me!?! Why am I feeling like such a mess/failure...I can't stop crying :-(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You realised you made a mistake and you've fixed it. You've done the right thing. So calm down about that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm staying where I am...thats great...I have a meeting with the manager that was at my new job on Monday...the recruitment agency have told her I have concerns not that I don't want the job...thats going to be awkward!

    I don't feel any better...I feel dreadful...I think I might refer myself back to counselling...before its too late :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's good that you've dealt with this and you have the meeting set up, especially since you say you feel such a mess, you've not ran away you've dealt with it head on ... I think that's really brave!

    If you are feeling this way though it may be a good idea to contact counselling, you're doing well WhiteLillies *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't feel very brave or like I'm doing well...I know others have told me the same but being in the situation and trying to cope with how I feel at the moment doesn't make me feel very good :crying:

    I know I'll be ok because I always am...just hard trying to get there...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't feel very brave or like I'm doing well...I know others have told me the same but being in the situation and trying to cope with how I feel at the moment doesn't make me feel very good :crying:

    I know I'll be ok because I always am...just hard trying to get there...

    Things are often really hard work :( you are doing so well to get there though. Do you have any plans for the weekend? Maybe something you could do to change pace up a bit? Change of scenery always helps me... x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I worked today and tomorrow I intend to stay in bed most the morning until going to the gym in the afternoon...!

    I also don't know how to tell my family I'm going back to counselling...I don't want to but do I risk not telling them and them finding out!?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ooh gym - always a good shout. I should go myself... but anyway. Mixing it up always helps for me.

    In my opinion... your family have no right to know. It's your counselling, it's your health. Of course, if you want to tell your family (which you say you don't)... then feel free. But you shouldn't feel pressured that you have to tell your family what's going on :). x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think I'll go spinning...it gives me a buzz...not like it used to but it can't make me feel any worse!?

    Yeah true...I just don't know what I'm supposed to say if they were to find out :S
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think I'll go spinning...it gives me a buzz...not like it used to but it can't make me feel any worse!?

    Yeah true...I just don't know what I'm supposed to say if they were to find out :S

    Definitely not! Getting your blood going can be a good way to deal with a really stressful / emotional week like the one you've had. Hope it helps x

    If your family find out just tell them you appreciate their concern, sincerely, but it's just something that you are dealing with and need your space, but you know they are there and will reach out if / when you need their help. They should respect that everyone has a right to privacy especially when it comes to health matters. x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Very true...I know it wouldnt be an issue if I did tell them...just hate the whole awkwardness around it...!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Very true...I know it wouldnt be an issue if I did tell them...just hate the whole awkwardness around it...!

    Yea I know what you mean :) sometimes you just don't want to be bothered. Just don't worry about them - worry about you first!! :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well done you. You're dealing with an absolutely mammoth event - it won't be quick and it won't be easy. Generally you set massively high standards for yourself and judge yourself harshly when you're actually doing brilliantly.

    If you can face it, being honest with the potential new job would probably be the best course of action. I'm sorry, I was looking for a change and to develop my career however my father passed away unexpectedly about 6 months ago and while family are starting to come to terms with it I feel that changing jobs at the moment and having to learn a new company with strict protocols and standards would be too much at the moment so reconsidering staying where I am as I know there is the flexibility to be able to deal with family issues there. Wish you all the best in finding a new candidate.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well done you. You're dealing with an absolutely mammoth event - it won't be quick and it won't be easy. Generally you set massively high standards for yourself and judge yourself harshly when you're actually doing brilliantly.

    Your not the first person to tell me that! I know I would be doing myself some good if I just gave myself a break...I'm just not used to doing it! Thank you though :)
    If you can face it, being honest with the potential new job would probably be the best course of action. I'm sorry, I was looking for a change and to develop my career however my father passed away unexpectedly about 6 months ago and while family are starting to come to terms with it I feel that changing jobs at the moment and having to learn a new company with strict protocols and standards would be too much at the moment so reconsidering staying where I am as I know there is the flexibility to be able to deal with family issues there. Wish you all the best in finding a new candidate.

    This is such a brilliant response! Thank you so much! I had no idea what I was going to say...I was just aiming to blag it like I did in my interview but I was concerned at how much information to give, etc. This pretty much sums up what I need to say without going in to too much detail...I am really grateful so thank you :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's one of those things that's really easy to come up with if you take a step back and have no emotional involvement - and almost impossible if it's you.

    (People on here wrote me several 'scripts' for conversations I've needed tohave in the past).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How did your meeting yesterday go WhiteLillies?
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