Do i stay or do i go?

Former Member

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months now, when we first got together everything was perfect, i had a job, still saw my friends and was all round smiley! I left my job because i didnt like it there and was unhappy. Out of the blue i suddely started feeling different towards my boyfriend and having doubts about our relationship. It was awful and would make me cry everyday. I told him how i felt and it turned out everything in my life seemed dull. I went to the doctors and he refered me to a thearpyst, i was told i had servere depression. This was about 2 months ago now. Im having congnitive behavour thearpy to try and help me. I love my boyfriend loads and I remember being so happy with him and content but now i feel like we've got nothing and we're going nowhere. My mum has said i could feel like this because i have no job, no college and dont see much of my friends so i have nothing else to blame how im feeling on? I sometimes have better days when i feel a little positive about us then days when i think i'd be better on my own. I've just applied for college and so has he (he doesnt have a job either) so i hope it helps our relationship a little bit. On days we dont see eachother (such as today) i've been out with my dad then met my mum from work and had a little walk, i felt positive! but when i get a message from him i kind of feel deflated? its horrible because i just want my normal feelings back! im scared i'll have to leave him behind and get on with my life. He is very supportive and sticks by me, he knows everything i am feeling and often finds it hard as to why i dont feel the same anymore i could cry writing this. I just wanted other peoples opionions on the situation. does anybody think getting a job and a better social life will help our relationship? or have we had our time? also why do i feel deflated when i get a message from him? we still have a normal sex life and i still naturally hold his hand, only recently have i started not wanting him to kiss me so much. I HATE how i feel SO much!

Former Member

Hey millieann, it really sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and naturally you're searching for answers and for things to go back to how they were. How are you finding the CBT? Do you think it's helping? With any talking therapy it can take time to sink in but hopefully you're learning more about how your feelings and thought processes can affect your mood as well as ways to cope and manage the low times. The frustrating thing about counselling of any kind is that it's certainly not a quick fix, the more you invest in it though the more you can get out over the coming weeks and months.

Many of us will find that when our friends & family, work or study and relationships are all going well that we feel at our most content. If one or more of these things start to fall down then it can be really tough and we can focus all our attention on the things that aren't working. Right now it sounds like you have a lot of time to perhaps over-think your feelings for your boyfriend and worry about what's going on? In turn that means that every interaction you have with him you're super aware of how it makes you feel which can lead to these worries about what you 'should' be thinking or feeling right now. Does that sound familiar? This kind of cycle can be really frustrating and exhausting!

Going back to college and filling up your life again with purpose and things that make you happy are likely to take that pressure off your relationship and you may find that things start to look up. It's really positive that you're being pro-active both with the therapy and with applying to college :thumb:

Ultimately, yes feelings can change but only you can figure out how you feel about your boyfriend. You mention you still have a normal sex life which is a good sign. How would you feel about spending some quality time together? Make a plan for a date night or to do something special together? That feeling of deflation might be that you know you can't be the smiley girlfriend at the moment.. maybe you feel guilty about that? You mentioned in one of your other threads about planning a holiday? Do you think you might still want to do that?

Let us know how the college application goes and try to be a little kinder to yourself if you can. Give yourself some time. Sometimes it can feel like our emotions are in control but take things a day at a time and bit by bit you'll figure it all out *hug*

Former Member

Personally I feel that you may have had too much time together recently. You mention not having much of a social life apart from him and no college/ work so chances are all you do is speak to each and spend time together. When I was finishing off my A-Levels I was really excited for the summer when I would have nothing to do, no worries and just have chill out time and I got so bored it was untrue. I turned into a right grumpy old sod, I didn't really want to speak to anyone or do anything but sit infront of the tv. I recently got a job which has made me talk to others and also get out of the house and I no longer feel bored. Therefore maybe you are just bored of him and need some space away from each other to do your "own thing" if you still want to have sex with him and hold his hand then chances are you still love him and it's not the end

Listen to Pink - Leave me alone and you'll probably start feelign much better good luck.

Former Member

Thankyou for both of your replies. I am very greatful for your advice. My behaviour therapy is going okay, although im not sure just speaking and filling in thought diaries will help me as much as maybe medication will. My therapist is not allowing me to have medication at the moment as im not yet 18 and he believes it could be dangerous. I have now got a job! I havnt started yet but I am waiting to have my training and I do have a college interview this month:) I have always been a worrying person and I fear that a new job and college will push my boyfriend away and I'll still feel unhappy with us but I have read up a lot on depression and relationships and lots of people feel exactly as I do! Its very scary and makes me question what I want but I can remember being happy and just pray it will come back one day. we have gone to seeing eachother 2 days a week and in the meantime I am trying to keep myself busy with friends, on days I don't see him I beat myself up for not feeling happy with him even though I know I shouldn't. We have spoken more about our holiday but are going to leave it until I am better in myself so I can enjoy myself more. I'm forever waiting to see him again because the pain is less intense when were together. Thankyou again for your time I will let you know how I get on

Former Member

you said you had gone to the therapist, so how is it? If its severe depression, perhaps your therapist could give you some medicines for that, to control your temper and the depression. That is hard to deal with, specially when you are in a relationship. You have to think, if you love your boyfriend, you never know what is on his mind also. Time may come that he will give up on your relationship when you are like that all the time.