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Getting better

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm hoping some writing therapy will make me feel a bit better but sorry for the depressing post :(

I'm not getting better and it is getting harder and harder to cope with. I feel like my life is moving on, and it will carry on going... but I'm not well enough to deal with it. If that makes any sense at all. I've been having bad spells for nearly 10 years now, and the time in between them hasn't felt much better. There have been good times, really good times but they just don't make up for the rest of it.

I started to get help (therapy etc), but it all just fell apart and moving around hasn't helped. I'll hopefully be starting everything over again at the end of this year, but it is really hard to stay positive with so many waiting lists and set-backs.

My boyfriend says I've come so far and he's so proud of me. Things have changed... I think we fight less (was always because of me thinking about something in the wrong way) and I spend less time in a total wreck but nothing has changed on the inside. I still think bad things about what people say/do to/think about me. And I find myself either feeling numb or my emotions being so strong that they're just too painful.

I don't feel like I can cope with the cycles of feeling so awful. I'm horrible to other people, I'm unreliable and I'm stupid. I don't see how I can get anywhere in life being this bad.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hug*

    hugest hugs petal. you are moving forward, every day you keep going is another battle won. i know it hurts and it's horrible and if i knew a way to make it better i would share it with you and with so many others but all we can do is keep trying and believing that it will get easier. i know it feels so endless and pointless but remember, 'when you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long'.

    lots of love x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you :heart:

    Sorry I don't have anything else to say. Really thankful for you reply though :) Today hasn't been any better but I'm still here.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Today has been 'acceptable'. A start. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My boyfriend was meant to be staying for the week arriving today, he calls me up yesterday and breaks up with me. After not seeing me for 5 weeks. There really is no point.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's not true, sweetheart.

    He is not your reason for going on, you are. You wouldn't have got here without that.

    We believe in you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He was the reason for the time being :(

    I just don't understand. I know I've been a bit more hard to get on with recently. Finding out about my dads cancer gave me a knock back and I've struggled to pick myself up a bit. But we had a lovely week together before I came home, and so why would he do this when he hasn't seen me. We knew it would be a bit hard getting used to being apart but this has come out of nowhere.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Like Piccadilly says, he isn't your reason for going on, you are.

    You're a bright, talented, fun young woman who has brilliant things to offer the world.

    I know how much easier it is ti believe in yourself when you've got a boyfriend who gives you a kind of validation that you're a worthwhile person - but not having that doesn't mean you're not.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Like Piccadilly says, he isn't your reason for going on, you are.

    Autocorrect?

    In other news, watch this video

    Hope that raised a smile
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Apologies. Autocorrect. Clearly autocorrect is uncultured
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So we didn't break up - he is in a really bad place right now and the stress of his situation just got to him and he panicked. Relieved, but trying to not get my hopes up about the future.

    I can see myself just about holding things together and making it through. Not exactly a positive feeling, but I guess it's a start.
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