Falling apart - eating/sh issues

Former Member

Sounds like an appropriate title at the moment!

So why am I actually bothering? I mean, I can't even look after myself any more, I'm falling apart, yet I still won't make an appointment at the Doctors. Ha, I fail.

Tried phoning my CPN that lives 300 miles away, she couldn't chat cause she had to fill these Initial Assessment thingy ma jelly bobs out. I thought I'd be okay till she had a spare ten minutes, clearly not. I tried eating beans, well, that didn't stay down long, ended up purging that, (this has been happening for whay too long now), and I ended up crying on the bathroom floor, throwing the scales, and telling myself how pathetic I am.

I had calmed down, went downstairs, and broke down again, I ended up cutting -.- not proud of it, but whatever, it needed four butterfly stitches, lucky I had some left still. As I was about to hobble out the kitchen, I vomited everywhere, than bam, back to lying on the floor in tears, telling myself I should have died in April, why can't anything kill me and all that jazz.

I cleaned up, and hobbled on the sofa, and curled up, and broke down again, screaming, shouting, and punching myself. Clearly I'm a nut case. I don't think I've felt so much hate in ages, and I totally don't want to be here any more. I just don't care what happens any more... no I'm not going to do anything...

I just want to be free from everything, I'm scared every time I purge that it's going to end up with blood in the loo, or like before, bits of my stomach lining. I just don't want to go through this any more, and no one seems to notice me, or give a damn about me ! :crying:

Former Member

Hey sophieannnn

Sounds like the last 24 hours have been tough for you.

Sending some hugs your way tonight!

The response from the CPN doesn't sound like it was the most helpful situation at the time either, for one reason or another.

I know you have previously said that you hadn't registered with a GP. Have you gotten any further with that as I couldn't tell from some of your more recent posts? (sorry if i've overlooked something :banghead:)

Are you with a friend this evening, or someone you can be with that might help ease the situation. Sometimes stepping back from things and taking a night off can be a great stress buster. Though that is often easier said than done.

Let us know how your keeping.

Phil :thumb:

Former Member

Hey Phil,

Thank you for the hugs! *hug*

CPN ended up contacting me on FB, and reminding me that I promised her I wouldn't do anything, and that when I'm down she wants and needs to see me.

Indeed, finally registered...

Friend's at work, so I'm like sat here watching whatever I put on TV as a kind of distraction... sort of doesn't help when I have the feeling my friend's becoming more and more distant with me.

Former Member

Hey Sophie

Hey :wave:

*hug* seems like you need one of those!

It does sounds tough, and I do hope that you're having brighter days now, not sure they could get darker bless you.

I know it make seem like everyone thinks you are invisible, and when we feel so down we often think this, but sometimes that can be because we want them to go away, we want to feel on our own (in a wierd way) even though we want people to give us the time of day, a bit like a battle between what we do and don't want. It can seem like no one is there or no one cares, but they do and I promise you they do. That promise comes from the bottom of my heart.

You're worthy of our care and time, you deserve it. You can get through this, I know it is possible, through personal experience and I know you are a determinded girly. I know you personally, but i'd say this to anyone. You have your whole future ahead of you, it's what you make of it. You are a bright, bubbly, caring, kind, talented, beautiful individual and an inspirational young lady. You've been through some crap, but you have over come some crap too. You have people around you who want to be there for you and help you through times in life, they've been placed there for a reason, accept their support and use them whilst you can. Lots of people care about you Sophie, fact!

TV sounds like it's a good distraction, maybe music, scrap books, arts and crafts etc could help too? distractions are good. Your coping mechanisms such as the eating and SH are ways of you coping with stresses and stuff, they need to be healthier coping mechanisms and maybe it'll be professional support who can help you look into this properly, but you need to reach out for it and accept it. Big steps - totally worthy steps though. Posting this is a big step in itself so without sounding patronizing, well done

Love you girly, you've helped me through some hard times and shared with me some good times, let me do the same for you and here's to more laughter, giggles and girly times in the days to come.

You CAN do this, you're not going :crazyeyes even if it feels like it, inside we are all a bit crazy at times - makes us unique! normal is boring

Rach x x

'with faith you can move mountains, with doubt, you can build them' :yes: