What else can I do to fix a relationship?

Former Member

Sorry for the length, I don't really know where else to turn. I've talked to a friend about this but she is at as much of a loss as I am. Just need some opinions.

So I've been with my guy for about 7 years. We have been living together for about 6. He is the greatest guy in so many ways, he does all the practical and nice things for me that make me smile but I'm just not feeling the relationship part anymore and I'm lost for what else I can do.

We aren't close, we don't do anything together, the sex or anything intimate is nonexistant.

I've talked to him about it several times. Not drunken screamfests, but well thought out conversations. I say that I don't think we are close anymore, that I feel like friends. I think about what is wrong and come up with ways to change things. Date night, going out and doing stuff together like even just taking a walk. Investing in marital aids... but it has never helped at all.

His response is always that he never has thought that anything is wrong. In his mind, he never does anything wrong so there is nothing to change. Date night is stupid because he isn't the going out type except to eat - and he eats out for every single meal so it is hardly anything special (I stay home and cook for myself, he doesn't eat any of the same things I do). I'll ask if he wants to go for a simple walk around the block and he declines. I've bought sex toys and they go unused.

He has been there for me through some pretty shitty things, being very depressed, being unemployed and he has always helped me out, but, emotionally and physically, there doesn't seem to be any relationship there. I don't know what else I can do or say to try and change things. I've told him everything on my mind, I've tried to come up with ways to change and nothing has helped.

Any suggestions at all? Please don't suggest leaving - that is already on my mind every single day and it makes me cry. It would be very difficult (the least of it being I don't even have a fork or a chair to my name) and it is something that I really don't want to do. I do want to try and salvage things, but I can't seem to get through. I'm thinking of just "moving" into the spare bedroom and acting like the roommate I feel like to see if that even makes the slightest amount of change.

Former Member

Hi My Name,

I don't want to suggest leaving, but it might help if you could articulate exactly why you are so against leaving. Sometimes you stay for good reasons, other times you stay for bad reasons. The difficulty you mention about not having a fork or chair to your name is, for me, a bad reason to stay. Can you come up with any other reasons to stay?

The other point I'd like to make is that good old cliché - it takes two to tango. There is only so much you can do (and I'm sorry to say, it sounds like you've done it already) if the other party isn't willing to make the effort too. Perhaps it is because he really doesn't see anything wrong - but if you're telling him that something is and he's ignoring that, that isn't very considerate.

I guess the only real suggestion I have is perhaps a trial separation. Sometimes people don't realise what they've got till it's gone (as the song goes!) so it could potentially give him a kick up the ass to get moving and working on maintaining the relationship you want.

My best friend is in this situation. He's been going back and forth several times over the past years, and is still with his girlfriend. Luckily, when he tries to talk to her about it, she's receptive and does for some period of time put some work in. But my overall assessment of the situation is that deep down, he really isn't happy, and needs to leave but is just too scared to.

Former Member

I've been in this situation quite recently with my ex, I just felt that because she was away alot due to work, we had drifted into friendship rather than being in love. So my question for you is what part of thinking about leaving makes you cry? Is it because you love him, or because you are worried about the uncertainty of what would happen (no stuff or place to go etc.) are you worried about hurting him?

I asked myself a few of these questions when deciding what to do about my ex and although they can be hard to answer you need to know exactly why you feel there is no relationship. Now 7 years is a long time and relationships can stagnate a little, he obviously doesnt mind this ( I won't say he hasn't noticed as men tend to notice if sex is non existent lol) you seem to have tried to spice things up too. Now if he doesn't respond it may be that he feels the same as you but is reluctant to face the idea of change, in my experience men get set in their ways easier than women, therefore he doesn't want to confront the issue.

Former Member

*hug*

No idea - what is/was the relationship like between his parents?

Former Member

It sounds like you are in the same old routine with him, you have tried bringing new things into the relationship but hasn't worked. Do you wish for someone else or something better or are you in the comfortable stage where you don't want to lose him. Sounds a tough situation

Former Member

Do you want to have sex? Do you want to have sex with him?

If your answers to the two questions above aren't the same, I think you should try the spare room, consider yourself friends. Then try having the conversation again about how things between you could improve.

I'm sure you love each other, and you sound like very good friends but, in quite a few of the last few years I've wondered about the state of your relationship. (that makes me a little weird I'm sure)

I'm not so obsessed that I think sex is everything, or even has to be a huge part of a relationship. But, I do think whether someone's sexual needs are being met can be indicative of other states of the relationship.

The fact that there isn't anything you currently enjoy doing together worries me too. How would you feel about becoming more involved in the things he's interested in? Did you ever watch the movie Grease? Well, ignoring any gender problems in the movie, the lesson there seems to be that when one person can't bring themselves around to the other's style but they both seem to still be attracted to each other, maybe it's the other person who could do the changing?

Also, you can feel free to completely disregard my advice because Strongbow just brought out a new flavour, which I have sampled several times this evening

Love to you x

Former Member

Very good questions, and suggestions. Thank you for all of your help. I know I have complained a lot about him in the past, probably making it seem like a terrible relationship but that was mostly because we were on a different level for a while. I was in the stage where I wanted everything to be big and impractable and romantic, while he was always practacle, and that pissed me off. Who wants practacle!

Why I'm against leaving - of course the thought of being alone, trying to meet new people who I'll probably despise and licking week old crumbs off the floor because I can't afford grocery shopping would suck, but it actually seems kind of exciting, I could use a change like that But it is just one of those things where you know when you found somebody... like your best friend, I suppose, and isn't that really what a good relationship should be. He knows when I need a hug or when to stay the fuck away, or bring me home an oreo donut from work because he knows there is nothing that makes me happier than baked goods, and he'll sit and listen to me bitch about how he is making me fat afterwards. Just little things like that that all add up.

I don't know much about his parents relationship, his mom was sick almost his whole life, but they never showed any affection - only with gifts and money and stupid shit like that. He is extremly spoiled and the world revolves around him and I couldn't be more opposite. I'm much more emotional and money and stuff means very little to me, as long as I can pay my bills. I'd much rather have that donut and a hug. I've turned into my dad who will eat the sad burnt piece of chicken at dinner so nobody else will have to suffer with it - and he is the type who will make sure somebody else eats it so he doesn't have to!

And then the sex question... that is just hard to say. I go through phases and right now I'm in the, if I never had it again I wouldn't care phase so it is hard to say if I'd want it from him, or anybody. Of course it would be really nice if he lost his gut But even when I'm in the I'd jump anybody phase... I still wouldn't actually - him or anybody. I don't know, its weird and hard to explain.

I think your advice is spot on, Kat, as usual . Unfortunatly he is the type who doesn't really have any interests - playing a stupid computer game or watching a stupid hilbilly vampire tv show, but maybe it isn't about taking part in that, but making more of an effort and taking charge... since he is the needy selfish one. I like to be the passive person, but maybe I should just start wearing my ovaries on the outside - instead of just talking about things, just demand shit - unless it is a walk or going to the gym with me. Instead of waiting for him to make the move and change, maybe I'll just make the change. Maybe I will give that a go, and maybe that will bring him around.

And one day I must try this strongbow. I've had a bit of Arrogant Bastard tonight - hence my long rambly drawn out pointless post as well

Former Member

Sex toys are a great tool to improve your sexual life. Do not be shy and give them a try and you will see how enjoyable itdildos for salecould be.