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I Fucked Up

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
:banghead: Im 14 and depressed... ive been depressed for almost 3years... and only just getting help...

Ive fucked up life... my family hate me because i hide in my room and when im out i am always at the edge of the crowd or walking behind them never actually with them or apart of the family... and they are forever telling me to smile...
My friends hate me because i dont want to go out because i make everyone depressed, i wont go to parties because i feel out of place and alone, (social anxiety SUCKS)
School... School... School... stress... too many people... mind wanders because i find the work easy... but because of that i get into shit for being sat there doing 'nothing' its like wtf no i finished the work! and then the teachers get in a huff because they have to set me more work... also because i find everything easy along comes the bullying... the joys
My health... well sh... not eating properly... and until this year bottling my feelings and not recieving help till this year...
Future... well after ive attempted suicide twice i dont feel i have a future! it sucks it really fucking does...

Day in day out i struggle with the same shit... having to try and hide myself whereever possible because i dont like to be seen... trying to constantly wear baggy clothes and jumpers because i dont like my appearence... each day i have to go out there and put a smile on my face... and it aint fucking easy... and i cant not do it without getting told off or getting called grumpy!

And then today... boiling hot weather... have to wear t-shirt and shorts to the park, scar on my arm... mark on my leg... split knuckle... and scratches on my other arm... cant remember doing any of them... then my dad goes to me this evening 'whats that? been hurting yourself to make you look hard have you?'

FFS... no one understands me... its all too much...

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Man that is like reading what I would write when I was 14! (aside from the suicide attempts)

    You have to remember that in another 14 years, hell maybe even 10 years you will be an entirely different person and look back at yourself and wonder why you couldn't be a happier person, I certainly do now.

    Truth is you haven't fucked anything up, if you aren't in prison then generally you haven't fucked anything up. It can feel like you have when you get all depressed and in a rut, but if you stick to things in school and get good grades, keep moving forwards and asking yourself at the end of every day what you did to make yourself better, even listing it down factually then you can keep a track of how you are doing.

    As for your health, you are a teenager and therefore invincible, as long as you remember to shower or bathe every 2 days and don't have Scurvy you are doing alright. Anything good that you eat will help and let you become stronger!

    Never worry about bullies, bullies are people just like you and me but rather than sit quietly they take out their social anxieties out on others - pretty much everyone who bullied me at school is now a socially anxious adult - and if things get too much and nobody will help just punch one of them a bunch of times and nobody will fuck with you again. Remember that last one as the last resort and it helps, because you can end bullying in one go, you just choose not to because it is a bad solution to an easy problem.

    That was a bit of a rambling reply! To summarise... Everything will be fine in the end, just keep working and keep trying to make yourself better and in future things will seem trivial!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Flow.

    What's occurin?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Flow I'm sorry that things are tough for you at the moment *hug*

    I have put a link here from our site about issues around anxiety and stress, I hope this helps. It tells you about different symptoms of anxiety and it gives you advice around it.

    http://thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/anxietyandstress/anxietyandstress

    Anxiety and stress can be linked into why you are not eating properly as well and why you have lost your appetite which is pretty normal in the way you are feeling at the moment. Even if you do not feel like eating try to make sure you drink plenty of fluids especially with this hot weather even if it a scrumptious ice lolly :yum:

    I have also put another link here around self-esteem as having confidence within yourself is a hard thing to go through and I can see from your post is something you are struggling with, so I hope this helps a little :heart:

    http://thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/wellbeing/bodyimageandselfesteem/lowesteem

    What SnuggleBubbles says about the bullies literally hits the nail in the head! The bullies have their own insecurities and instead of dealing with their own issues they cowardly take it out on someone else which doesn't make it right. Maybe if you try and talk to a teacher who you trust or a worker at the school about this. Being bullied isn't right and is possibly one of the reason why you feel so anxious going to school and socially. I know I am putting a lot of links on here but here is another one for you to read which may help.

    http://thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/wellbeing/lookingafteryourself/beatbullying

    Have you broken up for your summer holidays yet?

    Keep posting and let me know if the links have worked :)


    purple_rain :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote: »
    Flow.

    What's occurin?

    Flow was having a shitty half hour as per normal :L and well yeah :( still shitty as u know fiend



    purple_rain : thanks ill take a look at the links... just struggling with loads of stuff and just dont know what to do about it all... ill be fine eventually

    SnuggleBubbles: Thanks. i know i just need to go with the flow... its just that i never feel ok with everything going on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Things arnt simple I just don’t understand it all, I'm lost I'm scared, I feel pressured and out of control, ive cut ive punched walls ive burnt myself ive cried screamed yelled done everything I think I can, I don’t know whats going on, I cant release I cant do it I don’t know whats wrong with me, I'm ill ive got depression that’s whats wrong why cant I see that but why do I have depression whats wrong with me why am I still asking that question its annoying I cant type as fast as my brain is thinking at the moment its really hard and ugh I don’t know whats going on I'm a cock a failure ive fucked up my life I'm lost scared alone, I'm practically dead as it is I'm gone, its lost in my eyes why am I still fighting the match is over and I didn’t win, whats going on whats wrong with me ive got depression but why I just don’t understand why has bamps got cancer what is it doing to him inside is he going to die I hate it I hate it all hes scared I'm scared everyone is scared but none of us are saying it were all trying to stay strong but we aren’t storng no one is we are weak and cant handle it, I don’t know whats going on I'm ,lost I cant think I cant breath I don’t know anymore I cant deal with it whats wrong why is it all like this, is bamps going to get better I don’t want him to die I'm fighting for him at the moment if he dies I will I will die inside as I already am, I feel I have no one yet I'm surrounded by my family maybe that’s why I feel like I have no one because I cant be myself at all maybe that makes me no one and nothing I don’t know I'm lost trapped alone cold dark frightened scared confused I don’t get it anymore I cant handle the arguments going on my nan and bamps then my dad and bamp all because of this chemo, I don’t get it why is life so hard and if its so hard why isn’t there a cheat, why cant I click fastforward and be past all this why cant I rub out the past and parts I dislike why cant I be ok why cant I be happy whats wrong with me, nothings wrong, yes there is though something is always wrong with you your just an attention seeking cow you should go die, but I shouldn’t die because I was brought into the world for a reason I will find itt one day, I just got to keep fighting you said it yourself the fight is lost its not though it cant be because I'm still here yes but you shouldn’t be but I have to be for everyone else I cant give up I cant shatter my family ive got Hannah to think of and fiend I got to fight for them got to keep going for them I can do it no you cant your weak and you hate yourself because of it that’s why you gave up karate that’s why u self-harmed the other day because your weak and cant fight off the feelings and you hate yourself and you want to give up but ur too weak to even do that, no I'm strong and I will beat depression because I can do it I can you cant stop lying you only lie to yourself and lying is the worst thing you can do, but I can do it I cant do it I have to do it I have to for everyone around me for myself for everything… I need to make it out… you need to make it out only one way you can do it end the pain and only one way you can do that… no I wont do it I cant do it, no I don’t want to think about it. Ill be ok no you wont I have to be ok yes you do but you wont be because your week and wont show it, I'm fine ive got depression I'm getting help ill be ok it will be ok I know I can do it I know I can, I just need help I need more help I need to be able to rant and scream I need to get over everything I need bamps to get better I need cancer to get cancer and die from it I need things to be better yes you do but they arnt getting better are they and they haven’t for 3 years… you should just give up… everyone else gives up on you…
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Flow,

    I'm glad the boards provide a space where you can offload your thoughts, as it seems from reading that, that you're really struggling at the moment, and I want you to know that it is okay to be struggling, it is okay to feel he way you do. Like you say, you are human, you have depression and are getting help for it - it seems to me that you're right though, you need some extra support maybe. As it is okay to feel so crap, its not fair on you at all. It's robbing you of a life you deserve. The way the above is written, comes across to me as though you're battling with your head, a constant, ongoing arguement with strongholds. Which is so hard. I know this myself with other things.
    It seems like you have a lot to deal with at the moment, with your relative's cancer, and others feelings as well as your own. I wish I had the answers to Cancer and other awful illnesses that take lives from the world, but I can assure you that bamps is fighting as hard as they can and if they do go, they will be pain free and with you no matter what. I lost my uncle lost friday, to a sudden heart attack so not quite the same, but no one has all the answers as to why these things happen. It's great that you have friends such as Hannah and Fiend who keep you going, but it's also important to reach out and aim for recovery for you. Because you want to do it. It sounds like you're a lot like me, thinking of everyone else and forgetting about yourself. You matter you know, honestly. You need to focus some of that care and time you have for others, on yourself. Worrying about how others are feeling is good, but not great to this extent and not what you need to be focusing all your attention on right now. I'm sorry you're struggling with self harm etc - TS provides great help on this so do check out the pages if you have time. Also, talk to people who love you and care about you - they'll be gutted to find out they could have helped you but you suffered in silence. Grip help whilst it is available. You deserve it. Because you are struggling, does not mean you are weak, a failure, a let down etc...or any other negative comment that your depression etc tells you. They are LIES. Dismiss them as much as you can - write out positive things about your life and your self (there are loads I promise) and put them on sticky notes etc around your bathroom mirror/bedroom mirror/walls...and repeat them when you see them. It helps lots. We don't give up on you, I definately don't. I defo do mean it when I say I understand, i've recently been put back on a ton of medication for a number of things similar to your situation and life has been awful, hence why i've not been online, but i'm trying to take me time, which is what I recommend for you :)
    Always here for you and apologies for a beasty essay of a reply.
    Take care x x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dont give up Flow! you have a family right here, in the community, we all care! Just by reading your post I already care about you, as crazy as I sound! You might not realise it but you have so much reason to live your life! Things get better, I know they do! Go to someone, anyone you trust, a teacher, a neighbour, a friend, anyone! Email the samaritians! They really do help, I couldn't praise them more, they make you feel like someone is listening and someone cares! people do care! Teenage years suck a lot of the time, but you will also have some good times too! been a teenager with mental health issues feels isolating and, Frankly,Fucking terrifying! Thinking everyone will laugh, thinking your the only one, well look around Flow, Your not! We are all in the same position, and here to pull each other out of the shit and into the sun! Read these, read them again and then when your down, read them again and again and again till they sink in!

    When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
    - Franklin D. Roosevel

    When the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”
    - Author Unknown

    Fall seven times, stand up eight.
    - Japanese Proverb

    It wont be fixed overnight it takes a lot of strength and energy! This group is your red bull! Here for you need a little extra strength and energy!

    Dont Give up.
    P.S fellow welshy! ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hug* Thanks BubbleyBerry and Beth

    Got hospital appointment tomorrow with a new doctor.. i dont know whether they are male or female or anything so sorta like fuck am i going to feel ok talking to them atm... im struggling my wrist is hurting, kids are annoying... im panicking about tomorrow and scared im not going to be able to tell them everything... in all fairness im fucked
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :crying::banghead:Feel so alone...

    Just bursting out into tears for nothing...

    FML! FMFL FUCK IT FUCK IT ALL!!!!!!!

    Help...
  • ReenaReena Posts: 1,375 Wise Owl
    Is there anyone with you?
    I burst into tears for nothing every now and then. Have you tried to work out why?
    When it happens I always try to work out if something triggered it. If there isn't anything I put it down to stress or my hormones. And I always phone someone I trust to talk it through.
    BIG HUGS xx. *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Reena wrote: »
    Is there anyone with you?
    I burst into tears for nothing every now and then. Have you tried to work out why?
    When it happens I always try to work out if something triggered it. If there isn't anything I put it down to stress or my hormones. And I always phone someone I trust to talk it through.
    BIG HUGS xx. *hug*

    Parents are down stairs, yea... just a lot going on... so flow freaks out... ugh... ill be fine... always am...
  • ReenaReena Posts: 1,375 Wise Owl
    Are you sure?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Reena wrote: »
    Are you sure?

    always...
  • ReenaReena Posts: 1,375 Wise Owl
    Well if you need to talk, you know where to come. xx *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Flow wrote: »
    Things arnt simple I just don?t understand it all, I'm lost I'm scared, I feel pressured and out of control, ive cut ive punched walls ive burnt myself ive cried screamed yelled done everything I think I can, I don?t know whats going on, I cant release I cant do it I don?t know whats wrong with me, I'm ill ive got depression that?s whats wrong why cant I see that but why do I have depression whats wrong with me why am I still asking that question its annoying I cant type as fast as my brain is thinking at the moment its really hard and ugh I don?t know whats going on I'm a cock a failure ive fucked up my life I'm lost scared alone, I'm practically dead as it is I'm gone, its lost in my eyes why am I still fighting the match is over and I didn?t win, whats going on whats wrong with me ive got depression but why I just don?t understand why has bamps got cancer what is it doing to him inside is he going to die I hate it I hate it all hes scared I'm scared everyone is scared but none of us are saying it were all trying to stay strong but we aren?t storng no one is we are weak and cant handle it, I don?t know whats going on I'm ,lost I cant think I cant breath I don?t know anymore I cant deal with it whats wrong why is it all like this, is bamps going to get better I don?t want him to die I'm fighting for him at the moment if he dies I will I will die inside as I already am, I feel I have no one yet I'm surrounded by my family maybe that?s why I feel like I have no one because I cant be myself at all maybe that makes me no one and nothing I don?t know I'm lost trapped alone cold dark frightened scared confused I don?t get it anymore I cant handle the arguments going on my nan and bamps then my dad and bamp all because of this chemo, I don?t get it why is life so hard and if its so hard why isn?t there a cheat, why cant I click fastforward and be past all this why cant I rub out the past and parts I dislike why cant I be ok why cant I be happy whats wrong with me, nothings wrong, yes there is though something is always wrong with you your just an attention seeking cow you should go die, but I shouldn?t die because I was brought into the world for a reason I will find itt one day, I just got to keep fighting you said it yourself the fight is lost its not though it cant be because I'm still here yes but you shouldn?t be but I have to be for everyone else I cant give up I cant shatter my family ive got Hannah to think of and fiend I got to fight for them got to keep going for them I can do it no you cant your weak and you hate yourself because of it that?s why you gave up karate that?s why u self-harmed the other day because your weak and cant fight off the feelings and you hate yourself and you want to give up but ur too weak to even do that, no I'm strong and I will beat depression because I can do it I can you cant stop lying you only lie to yourself and lying is the worst thing you can do, but I can do it I cant do it I have to do it I have to for everyone around me for myself for everything? I need to make it out? you need to make it out only one way you can do it end the pain and only one way you can do that? no I wont do it I cant do it, no I don?t want to think about it. Ill be ok no you wont I have to be ok yes you do but you wont be because your week and wont show it, I'm fine ive got depression I'm getting help ill be ok it will be ok I know I can do it I know I can, I just need help I need more help I need to be able to rant and scream I need to get over everything I need bamps to get better I need cancer to get cancer and die from it I need things to be better yes you do but they arnt getting better are they and they haven?t for 3 years? you should just give up? everyone else gives up on you?

    hi flow, well your not alone. this is really me well parts of it.
    i feel like my family lives in a world and i live in another.they do tell me to smile when i'm down and my sister also call me boring.
    feel like i'm living a lie and used to wish that i had cancer so i could die from it.in my family we had cancer so i wished that it will happen to me. i don't know how or if am i going to get help. definetly not talking to my family i hate them sometimes. and wish that i never lived.i have no one to live for except my 2 cats and sometimes i think it's because of them that i'm still living. but i don't know if i can do it for much longer :(
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