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My dad threatened to disown me.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm 21 in a few weeks, I'm the eldest daughter to a mix race couple. I've been in a sexual and loving relationship with J for 6 months during my second year at University and his 1st year of his phD. We're very happy and looking forward to the future. I've met his parents but he's still to meet mine. I'm doing my year abroad next year which will be tough on our relationship but we're willing to go long distance for a year. I'm living at home for a month. I've just spent a month in Spain working and I got back last night, planning on staying at J's as it was easier/cheaper for me to spend a few days at J's but my parents told me I had to come home which I wasn't willing to do but J convinced me that it would be better if I did as he wants my parents to like him. I unwillingly got the train home.

My mother is very religious and it's hard for her to accept that I am not going to marry in the church. But she is trying to accept it and that I am having sex. My dad isn't as religious as my mother but still wants me to marry in their church and will under no circumstances accept that I want to stay over when I got see J (it's a 30 min train journey, plus time to get to his, plus train tickets), because he thinks it will lead to sex, which he doesn't know we're having. I don't want to lie to my parents but my dad has already threatened to kick me out and disown me if I stay over at j
's. I'm very lucky that J is calm and extremely supportive. I don't have a very good relationship with my dad to say the least, we both have very strong personalities and more times than not clash and argue.

I'm afraid that my dad will never accept that I am not going to marry into their church and that I stay at my boyfriend's house. I want to spend as much time with J as I can over this month as I'm going away for a whole year and I won't be able to see him as regularly as I could now if my dad let me. I want J to meet my parents but they aren't that keen on the idea and if things like this keep happening he will never get the chance to meet him. I'm also worried that my dad and I will have a big argument resulting in me leaving home and living with j for the summer before going to france for my year abroad, which will be disastrous as i won't see my mum or my two younger brothers.

I understand it is hard for my parents to accept that I'm not going to marry into the church and that I am having a sexual relationship with my boyfriend as they're from a different generation where you only had sex after marriage. I don't want my parents/ the church to ruin another relationship for me. I've ended one due to wanting to please my mum and another guy couldn't handle my parents. I love J so much and our relationship could so easily deteriorate if my parents don't agree to meet him and accept that I sleep over at his house sometimes.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have you explained this to your parents?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote: »
    Have you explained this to your parents?

    Yes, I sat down with both of them about the whole church thing. I also spoke to my mum about everything and she's going to try and be happy for me. It's my dad who's making this difficult, I woke up this morning and thought it was all a nightmare. It's really hard to go back to a "teenage" relationship, J practically lived at my uni house last year and now I can't stay over at his or go away for my 21st with him.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Could you get your mum on side?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Grind out the month at your parent's place placating your dad. A month ain't long. Then make sure you never have to go live back under their roof again. You can't reason with an unreasonable man. And religious-based unreasonableness is some of the most resilient.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No sex before marriage? unless they're in their 70s it's not their generation.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wouldn't go that far. I knew christians who married without kissing. Really, serious.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's really going to be a case of working out what you want to do with your life, at least for now, and working out whether negotiation and compromise will bring your parents along with you.

    Religious stubbornness can be very very difficult to negotiate your way around, and really you might have to take the view that your desire is incompatible with your father's. It may not work out with J but you need to stand on your own two feet at your age. Spending your life trying to please a father who will never be pleased is a complete waste of time and energy. You're an adult not a child and, if your parents are not able to accept that, then that is something that is always going to be a problem for you. You need to work out whether you can manoeuvre them into a place where they understand that you're an adult with your own free will. If they're going to kick you out and cut you off for your choice of partner then you may well be faced with a choice- him or them. I suspect that they will be like this with any partner you choose, so you may as well take the flack now rather than later.

    I also know christians who've married without even kissing. That is their choice, I think it is somewhat misguided, but it is their choice. The problem comes when you have someone trying to impose their choice on you. Something has to give. It's not a nice choice but eventually it is a choice you will have to make.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Its a tough situation your are in, its so hard sometimes to begin to live your life in a way that your family will not approve of you are obviously deeply in love with your boyfriend and its a shame your dad cant appreciate that and be happy for you both.
    My own dad disowned me so i speak from experiance and really hope you and your family find a way through this.
    I have to say i think the best thing is to use your mum to try and wear him down at least to the point were your dad would meet you both even just over a coffee somewhere to break the ice.
    Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy and perhaps if they meet your dad would see that and see that he makes you happy.
    I guess your dad will never be 100% happy with the situation but i hope somehow you can find a compromise.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No sex before marriage? unless they're in their 70s it's not their generation.

    lightly off topic but I know people in their 20's who believe in no sex before marriage.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    exactly, it's nothing to do with their generation.
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