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As much as I'm loathed to link to the Daily Fail

**helen****helen** Mod malarkistPosts: 9,235 Listening Ear
I think the topic of this article is an interesting one...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2172305/As-young-women-admit-regrets-way-lost-virginity--Having-sex-young-ruined-love-lives.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

How do you feel about this topic - can anyone identify with this lass?

Can anyone identify with not having a cool experience of losing virginity, but feel totally differently about what came next?

:chin:
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I possibly could identify with her, if only I could get past the sanctimonious drivel that the page is peppered with. I love the idea that sleeping with nine men in seven years is "promiscuous" (i.e. what the Daily Heil would say "sluttish" if only the PCC would let them).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can identify with the pressure a bit. But I lost my viriginity when I was 21 and have slept with 3 women. Frankly I think there are two issues.
    1) the pressure to conform, doing things you're not ready for
    2) the definitions associated with sex.

    For example, 3 women in my entire life isn't a lot, 3 women in 6 years isn't a lot, 3 women in 6 months...? They're all the same thing effectively...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What frustrates the piss out of me with stories like this is how quickly people are ready turn their awkward virginity loss into into a traumatic Hitchcock-esque, black and white horror. If losing your virginity wasn't bigged up to such hysterical levels and the significance of it blown out of all proportion with the act itself, people wouldn't feel like they were the victim of some terrible crime that requires years of counselling when it doesn't go down exactly like they saw in all the chick-flicks and Disney movies they've been busy indoctrinating themselves with since forever. But people do abso-fucking-lutely love playing the victim these days.

    The problem to me seems to be in the education and people's preparation: it's totally unrealistic and impractical. Explain gloom. Explain the genders' perception differences. Explain pressure and set expectations: odds are it's likely to be brief, ill coordinated and unlike how you imagined it. And you're going to have a strange mixture of emotions afterwards.

    Losing your virginity should be like buying a Big Mac: you know before buying it that it ain't gonna be anything like how it's advertised on the sign.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What frustrates the piss out of me with stories like this is how quickly people are ready turn their awkward virginity loss into into a traumatic Hitchcock-esque, black and white horror. If losing your virginity wasn't bigged up to such hysterical levels and the significance of it blown out of all proportion with the act itself, people wouldn't feel like they were the victim of some terrible crime that requires years of counselling when it doesn't go down exactly like they saw in all the chick-flicks and Disney movies they've been busy indoctrinating themselves with since forever. But people do abso-fucking-lutely love playing the victim these days.

    The problem to me seems to be in the education and people's preparation: it's totally unrealistic and impractical. Explain gloom. Explain the genders' perception differences. Explain pressure and set expectations: odds are it's likely to be brief, ill coordinated and unlike how you imagined it. And you're going to have a strange mixture of emotions afterwards.

    Losing your virginity should be like buying a Big Mac: you know before buying it that it ain't gonna be anything like how it's advertised on the sign.

    Agreed. I think there is an unrealistic expectation that losing your virginity is going to be magical when it rarely is. I dislike the phrase 'losing virginity'. When I had sex for the first time, I didn't feel like I had 'lost' anything. I just had sex for the first time which is all it is. The majority of people seem to have had similar awkward, clumsy experiences when having sex for the first time, it doesn't mark you out for life as someone who is unworthy and to me at least, isn't worth worrying over or regretting.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dislike the phrase 'losing virginity'. When I had sex for the first time, I didn't feel like I had 'lost' anything. I just had sex for the first time which is all it is.

    I think this is bang on. The whole thing needs framing differently.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Women aren't a commodity anymore, and therefore the despoiling of a maidens flower isn't a decrease in value. Virginity isn't a product anymore.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Couldn't agree more.

    "Losing virginity" is simply having sex for the first time. You wouldn't climb on a bike for the first time and expect to be Lance Armstrong, so I really don't understand why people would expect to have 27 simultaneous mind-blowing orgasms the first time they have sex.

    This is the real reason why it's often a good idea to have sex for the first time when you're sober and when you're with someone who will be respectful. The sex will be shit. If it's a stranger and you're pissed you'll be humiliated and disappointed, which is what causes the anger and the guilt. But if it's with someone you care about- I don't mean the love of your life, either- you can take things more slowly. It doesn't matter if he goes floppy and can't get it in, it doesn't matter if he comes too quickly/not at all, it doesn't matter if you accidentally bite him the first time you put his cock in your mouth. There's not the pressure.

    I'm glad I had sex for the first time with someone I trusted because it was more relaxing, but beyond that, really it wasn't anything to write home about. But then it never is when you're a novice.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    "Losing virginity" is simply having sex for the first time. You wouldn't climb on a bike for the first time and expect to be Lance Armstrong, so I really don't understand why people would expect to have 27 simultaneous mind-blowing orgasms the first time they have sex.

    This is why the Fifty Shades books are bad, lead to unrealistic expectations.

    Generally agree with the other comments on this thread.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would place the blame mostly on disney movies tbh. The porn things whilst far fetched; there are people like that if that's what you want. People who are nuts about sex 24/7. Most of the time people don't actually want that though.

    There aren't people, however, who are magically perfect for you in every way and will fall into a relationship with you magically with no effort or sacrifice. Yet people are brought up on those kind of 'aspirational' dreams that the future will be perfect.

    Back to the topic; its the same as everyone else has said. People these days sometimes expect life to be great, their expectations are so high, that when it falls below that they actually feel like they have been wronged.

    Life owes you nothing. It's a mantra to live by.

    My personal experience was it was pretty great, but I was very anxious about the possibility she was going to change her mind the next day and retroactively accuse me of rape. I'm not sure what that says about me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know what you mean about porn- written and visual- giving false expectations. it's selling a fantasy and that fantasy isn't "eeh is it in yet?'. But the extent of the fantasy only becomes apparent with experience. Younger people don't necessarily know just how overblown most porn is. Its a shame having to learn the hard way.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I suppose, I've just never bought into the idea that people expect their sex lives to actually be like porn. I watched porn before my sex life started, and tbh at every stage (first kiss, first intimate cuddling, etc.) I was just so nervous about it. It was also awesome though. But my focus was 100% on the person I was with and I honestly had no expectation it would be like porn. I just wanted me and her to be on our own little planet forever to work this thing out... haha.

    I dunno. I have no answers :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I didn't watch porn until after I was into a relationship. But the whole pressure of being a romantic genius was there from films.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think things have changed a lot in just a few years. The internet on my mobile phone now is about ten times faster than the internet I had at home when I was a student ten years ago. Internet use generally has gone through the roof. Part of that is the use of hardcore porn- you can see more of it, at a younger age, and in private than ever before. Sure, we've always had porn, but when I was fourteen the porn I could get access to was fairly softcore stuff on late night German satellite TV, or a grot mag shared around at school. It's very different now.

    You see this with girls waxing their pubic hair. Even when I was at uni it wasn't all that common, though it was just starting to come in. But now you have boys who think pubic hair is gross and unhygienic and girls who think that if they don't do it that boys will be repulsed by their vajayjay. And this all stems from two things: the BBFC banning pubic hair from porn films in the 60s and early 70s as it was just too risque, and more recently porn directors wanting everything bald to show the penetration more clearly. It's the same with coming on a girl's face or breasts; there's an expectation now that it's normal, but the "money shot" only came about as proof that the porn models weren't faking it.

    I think most people do understand that porn is somewhat overblown, but the point is that they don't realise how overblown it is. Boys don't think that girls will have 49 orgasms through anal sex and a money shot on their face, but they probably do think that it is something that will give them at least one orgasm. And yes, for plenty of people anal sex is something they want to do and they enjoy it very much, but when was the last time you saw a man in a grumble flick use plenty of lube, a condom and lots and lots of gentle patience?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think things have changed a lot in... [snip] ...in a grumble flick use plenty of lube, a condom and lots and lots of gentle patience?

    Largely agree.

    Possible area of disagreement: I was having a discussion with a female friend over a beer the other week and she was surprisingly hostile to the theoretical idea of her partner asking her to shave her pubic hair. I couldn't understand it and, although she was adamant she wouldn't, she was struggling to come up with anything more cogent that it was her body she'd do what she liked with it. I was trying to argue that clearly she shouldn't have to if she didn't want to, but why did she not want to? If her partner expressed a preference why would it bother her? It seems she had a negative emotional reaction to appearance modification at the behest of someone else, but not really an intellectual one.

    If my partner said she preferred I trim or shave then it wouldn't bother me one iota - it's hair that no one sees other than her and she's the one putting her face in it. I guess there's a nominal effort, but then I'd make my partner shave it if I couldn't be arsed one week. I certainly wouldn't view it as an affront to my masculinity or unreasonable.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why should she have to explain "intellectually" why she doesn't want to pour hot wax on or slide sharp metal objects along her foof?

    I hate shaving my face, absolutely hate it, and when I can get away with not doing it I don't.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why should she have to explain "intellectually" why she doesn't want to pour hot wax on or slide sharp metal objects along her foof?

    I have an interest in self-examination. As does she. I like to know where my emotional reactions come from and whether or not they're reasonable. I think introspection is healthy. Plus we were just shooting the breeze over a beer.

    If she'd said "I find the process uncomfortable" then that would have been enough. I might have pushed for how much of a discomfort and whether or not she would think that outweighs the advantages of the likelihood her partner'd supply more frequent, more enthusiastic oral sex.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Personally, shaved is an issue for me re: enthusiastic oral sex. Stubble rash for one, but also I find women, not children attractive and it is adult to have some bush in your lady garden.

    Trimmed is nice, not so tickly.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If someone demands anything of my appearance I'm more likely to go the opposite way, but that's just me.

    Freshly shaved or waxed sides do feel nice when giving oral, definitely, but with shaving it very quickly turns to stubble and that's really not nice on my poor cheeks. There's nothing wrong with trimmed hair, stops it getting stuck in your teeth.

    Having everything waxed off just looks ridiculous though. It's not that it is childlike (a little girl's vulva is very different anyway) it's that it mostly looks like the last turkey in the shop on Christmas Eve. Sexy it ain't.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Landing strip is quite nice.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Personally I like it when a man has taken the time to corn row his pubes. Shows dedication and a liberal world view.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Personally I like it when a man has taken the time to corn row his pubes. Shows dedication and a liberal world view.

    :D

    I occasionally put mine in dreadlocks. What's more attractive then a white dude with dreadlocks? A white dude with pubelocks, that's what.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I actually looked for the 'like' button. Sad
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was so nervous when I lost my virginity. I don't think the partner I was with was that experienced either. It wasn't romantic, I wouldn't go there again. I guess though, for somebody queer identified, what does and doesn't contribute 'losing your virginity' is more of a grey area.

    I hate the article. I hate so many of the attitudes which society attaches to sex. The woman in the article is in no way promiscuous and even if she were, who the hell cares? If it's safe, consensual and fun, then take a ride on the shag train innit.

    Obviously, it's up to her to place her own meanings on sex, the same with anybody. I just don't really agree with the idea of the 'first time' to be special, or put on a pedestool, any more than I believe monogomy to be morally superior, or having lots of sexual partners wrong.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have that sense too. I can't pinpoint the event where I lost my virginity. Which I suppose highlights in some way how moot losing virginity is. When you can't even tell when it happened, why does it matter?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Namaste wrote: »
    I just don't really agree with the idea of the 'first time' to be special, or put on a pedestool.

    How about a pedal stool?
  • SkiveSkive No discipline. No morality. No respect. New ForestPosts: 15,169 Skive's The Limit
    I don't find it surprising that a third of women regret there first time. I imagine it's not too different for men (if they were really honest about it). First times for most people are probably not that great. For me it certainly wasn't the most memorable experience, it's was clumsy and with a girl I wasn't that attracted to.

    There are pressures to lose your virginity and pressure to keep it as well. It's just sex, and as long as your safe there shouldn't be so much importance attached to it. Being a virgin is nothing to be proud of and nothing to be ashamed of either. Sex can be fun, why is it so bad to go out and have fun with multiple consenting partners. Always confused me and men are seen as heroes when they sleep around but women are slags.


    Fiend_85 wrote: »
    Personally, shaved is an issue for me re: enthusiastic oral sex. Stubble rash for one, but also I find women, not children attractive and it is adult to have some bush in your lady garden.

    The argument that those who like it shaved must like children is rubbish. Women who like clean shaven men do not necessarily like young boys.
    If someone demands anything of my appearance I'm more likely to go the opposite way, but that's just me.

    If somebody demanded that you change your appearance then you're probably with the wrong person. Nothing wrong with asking though, I'm very happy to have my missus make suggestions about my appearance. As long as it's not an inconvenience and you're happy doing it I don't see the problem making small changes to keep each other happy - that's relationships.
    Sexy it ain't.

    Which of course is a completely subjective opinion. Horses for courses.
    Namaste wrote: »
    I just don't really agree with the idea of the 'first time' to be special, or put on a pedestool, any more than I believe monogomy to be morally superior, or having lots of sexual partners wrong.

    Dead on.
    Yesterday is history
    Tomorrow is a mystery
    But today is a gift
    That’s why it’s call the present
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Namaste wrote: »
    I hate the article. I hate so many of the attitudes which society attaches to sex. The woman in the article is in no way promiscuous and even if she were, who the hell cares? If it's safe, consensual and fun, then take a ride on the shag train innit.

    I actually objected to her 'Look at me, I'm edgy, I'm OWNING my sexuality' angle. I don't know. I find that kind of self-promotion annoying. I mean I do question the motivation she has behind writing an article about her own (actually not that exciting) sex life. Political point about women? Struggling against her own insecurity about her past? Editor wants something juicy to put in? She had no better ideas for a story?

    But tbh, that's 99% of journalists these days. 'I did something once, look at fucking me.' It really annoys me actually.

    I expect with it being a daily mail article though, I would expect that creating a bit of a furore one way or the other is 100% the intention, so they've got me there. Well done.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ShyBoy wrote: »
    I actually objected to her 'Look at me, I'm edgy, I'm OWNING my sexuality' angle. I don't know. I find that kind of self-promotion annoying. I mean I do question the motivation she has behind writing an article about her own (actually not that exciting) sex life. Political point about women? Struggling against her own insecurity about her past? Editor wants something juicy to put in? She had no better ideas for a story?

    But tbh, that's 99% of journalists these days. 'I did something once, look at fucking me.' It really annoys me actually.

    I expect with it being a daily mail article though, I would expect that creating a bit of a furore one way or the other is 100% the intention, so they've got me there. Well done.

    I know what you mean, especially with the DM. Have you seen Samantha Brick's new 'article'? Haa
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Skive wrote: »
    The argument that those who like it shaved must like children is rubbish. Women who like clean shaven men do not necessarily like young boys.

    Personal preference, that's all. I like there to be some fuzz
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