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Validation/being valued

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Right now I feel like everything I do goes pretty much unnoticed and I feel incredibly undervalued.

On my college course there has been a serious case of favouritism. One particular student who happens to be prefect has ended up getting all the awards this year. She is not particularly talented and this has been said by a number of students. I'm not saying that I feel I should've won the awards, but I don't feel that my work has been recognised as good throughout the year even though I have had great marks, and have done lots of work within and outside college.

I feel like I have a similar problem at home. I don't feel like my friends or family recognise what I do for them or my achievements. I have done so much - from looking after my mother when she has been unwell to going out of my way to cheer friends up and even throwing a birthday party for one friend. I don't really feel like anyone is particularly grateful for what I've done and no one seems to do similar for me.

All of this is really upsetting me because I feel so totally un-validated in my college work (which is what I want to go on to do as a career), and in my personal life I just feel totally unnoticed and unimportant to most people.

What do I do?

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i really feel for you Miss_Riot. At times i feel like this too.

    Unfortunately, some people can be really selfish. With one family member in particular i reconise this for myself.
    I think you've gotta know deep down you are doing something right and putting your all into it (such as college for you). I know at times its important to get something back. Sometimes people don't express how well others do. It's hard to make someone appreciate you.

    All i can say is if you are content with how you are doing, concentrate with that 'cus thats what is important.

    :heart:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not content, I want to change things but I have so much to contend with right now its really hard to keep anything together, let alone make changes to my life.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    I'm not content, I want to change things but I have so much to contend with right now its really hard to keep anything together, let alone make changes to my life.

    If you are not content, it wont matter what anyone else says to you. You'll still feel the way you do. I think it is about creating a new perspective on things. I'm not saying it'll be easy by any means.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I guess so, but getting some recognition would be nice regardless! and some sodding support, rather than needing to support everyone else or it all going to pot.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    have you asked for some support from those you want it from? Sometimes it's not obvious and you have to ask. (As frustrating as it can be)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I haven't because I can see they they can't support themselves and aren't really able to support me. So I've been looking to my support worker but she sees me on such a sporadic basis and i don't feel she really sees me as a genuine case.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »

    So I've been looking to my support worker but she sees me on such a sporadic basis and i don't feel she really sees me as a genuine case.


    If you think this give her a call? Not to be rude, people are not mind readers. Maybe then you can arrange to see her more often? Also as a professional it might be good to chat to her as then there is no burden there on family or close ones.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have spoken to her and she's just said she works on a part time basis and can only see me every 2 weeks at the most... I might talk to her about it again but I doubt she'll be able to change anything and because she has mobility issues she can't get into my flat so I don't know where we can meet where I can actually talk freely
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    either that or ask for someone else? If you have a good repore with her try with what you have visit wise if not get a new support worker that can fit with seeing you more.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She's already the third support worker I've had in a year. I don't think they would give me anyone else and I don't think they see me as high enough of a priority to be seen on a regular basis.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    She's already the third support worker I've had in a year.

    how come???
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First change because I moved, and I really didn't get on with her I found her quite abusive tbh, and they gave me my current support worker instead
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Anyone else have any suggestions?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ideally you want to find your own self-worth internally. Work towards a place where the thing that satisfies you is your own assessment of performance.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with Fiend really. Brian Tracy has a lot of things to say about this really and how your mind works and how that can affect your self esteem going into things.

    An example he gives is that if you buy a certain model of car, you see that car everywhere, right? That's because your subconscious brain has picked up on a conscious trigger (e.g. you thinking / buying the car) and is now re-filtering the information it receives to what it thinks is relevant to you.

    If you are constantly doubting yourself and wondering why nobody is validating you, your brain will be stupid and take that conscious trigger and start to feed you information from your environment that reinforces that view. I mean you probably have heard the most simple of excercises for depression, anxiety & self esteem - every morning you look yourself in the mirror and you say 'I like myself'. It's actually brutally hard to do. But it's just reprogramming the brain in a similar way, so you are telling it the trigger is 'NICE THINGS ABOUT ME' so every time you notice someone stare on a bus for a second too long because they were checking you out, your subconscious goes 'hey, that guy was checking you out' instead of 'hey, that guy is freaked out by you'.

    It's weird and I don't know if the science is foolproof. But I read his book and it really improved my life based on principles like that. Everyone needs validation but you won't see that validation until you validate yourself, as silly as that sounds. I am sure we all know people who we are constantly telling are great but they will constantly reject the compliments. And not just playfully 'oh be quiet :)', but sincerely their brain and thinking rejects what you have said as not fitting with their own view of themself.

    So this is a long winded post to say I agree with Fiend. It's got to start at home, with you. Then the rest will start to fall into place.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's a very hard thing to do though! Where do I even start?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Some of this is touched upon in NLP/life coaching stuff. It's all about the language you use with yourself. Basically, the theory is that our brain doesn't process negatives. Therefore, even if you tell yourself "I'm not fat" the brain doesn't pick up on compliment there, and instead listens to the 'I'm fat' part, thus thinking negatively. Whereas if you say 'I look good' your brain picks up on it properly and you start to believe it.

    So the best place to start is to look at the language you are using with yourself. Why not write a list of the things about yourself that are good- for example 'I gained X marks in Y' 'I helped Z out when A happened', and make sure you phrase it positively- not "I didn't fail Y" etc. Then start telling these things to yourself. Congratulate yourself, and then you'll start to notice when others compliment you.

    Another thing to try and install in your psyche is that everyone is different, and shows their appreciation in different ways- just as some people are great and instant with replying to texts and others are terrible! So how you show appreciation/help for others may be different to someone who say likes to buy you a really expensive birthday present to show their gratitude. It goes back to the '5 love languages' in relationships.

    Another thing is that people often don't realise that you may need this validation/support...so open up and tell them.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes. This!

    It's like if you say "Don't think of a pink rhino" That's what's now in your head. All positive brain space. I passed, I look good, I smell nice, I'm smart, I'm funny etc etc.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote: »
    Ideally you want to find your own self-worth internally.

    Pretty much this.

    You presumably went to college in order further your education, better yourself and study a topic you enjoy. Not having your teachers tell you that you’re super-duper shouldn’t really bother you. It’s nice to have someone say you’re doing great, but being mopey because you don’t get told it is a bit silly.

    Seeking external validation is a slippery slope and it appears to be one you’ve progressed far enough down to have started developing a dependence on it. Turn around while you can and start being a bit more introspective.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys, I've already started to do that thing of turning around negative comments or oddly put positive ones.

    I think in some aspects of my life I have become dependent on seeking validation outside of myself because I find it so difficult to value my own efforts (especially in my creative efforts and my love life). That's something I really need to work on a lot!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Me too, as Roo would gladly tell you.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Part of it as I've found is actually listening to and hearing the compliments of others...they are there, we just don't pay as much attention to or react to them. This has helped me build my confidence in the things that I do, and spills over into other areas.
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