7 year itch

Former Member

For a lack of a better term.

Around 19 or 20, I don't recall, I met the guy I am currently with (I am now in my late 20s). Ups and downs, but we are still together and really, I couldn't imagine myself with anybody else, for the long term relationship kinda thing.

I don't know if it is that things are dull and monotonous (both in my life in general, and in the relationship) or what. I don't even know how to put it into words, really, to make sense.

While I'm not married with kids, I no longer do the things I did and I feel like I "settled down" much too early. Instead of spending my early 20s continuing on with my ways, I had to work, went to school and was living with my home body boyfriend.

Lately, as I'm getting older, that is all I am thinking about... all of the other fish in the sea. I know what everybody is going to say. If you really cared about somebody, you would never cheat on them. And really, I wouldn't, I'm pretty sure, but I don't know becaue it is all I think about. I'm getting old, what have I missed out on? What men have I not experienced? Most of my friends are perpetually single and I'm jealous when I hear of new men and new dates. It is far past the point of just finding an attractive man and fantasizing, like everybody does, I'm thinking of jumping the bones of the older overweight balding ginger neighbor man because he is alive, he has a penis and he would be something different.

I know another suggestion would be to liven things up in the bedroom with the man, but that isn't going to happen. It has been 7 years, I have discussed it with him many many many many times. I have bought many aides, tried to spice things up but it is always same ol same ol. Quite frankly, I've plain given up on anything changing there. We don't even kiss. In fact, I used to love to kiss, but now I find it rather awkward and weird because it has been so long since I've even don it. I'm pretty sure my lack of satisfaction in the bedroom has something to do with my feelings. Though I have taken all of the advice out there on how to spice things up and truely, nothing makes an ounce of difference.

I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for... I suppose just some sort of validation that these thoughts are normal. Like I said, I'm quite certain I'd never cheat, I wouldn't want the hassle of finding a new partner, especially since the one I'm with is awesome... I don't know, I guess I'm just stuck in that sad state of what if.

Sorry none of this really makes any sense.

Former Member

It seems to be true that it is quite possible to feel lonelier in a sad relationship than being on your own. If your relationship does not satisfy you and there is no change to be made, you need to get out. I would not suggest that if you were just asking you what ifs questions. What if I could party like I was young again, etc. Often times you find out you just aren't that young anymore, but you are in denial. Regardless of the circumstances your relationship seems dull and that you are just still together out of habit, so break out because of this reason and not because you think you are missing out on something, because it surprisingly disappoints a lot of the time, when you try to relive the olden days just to find out it's not the same anymore.

*Holly*

Hey manateesareawesome

If you're looking for validation - then I can tell you that what you're going through, and how you're feeling, is totally normal! That's why there's a saying for it - the 7-year-itch - and everything. However that doesn't make it less confusing and upsetting when it's you who's going through it.

I think it's worth really trying to dissect what it is that's bothering you about your relationship. Are you happy in your relationship? And would these niggles about feeling like you missed out go away if things were going better? Or do you think you'd still have them even if everything was going brilliantly? And if so, do you want to act on those impulses? And are you willing to risk the consequences?

Sex and love does change as a relationship progresses, it's natural. But that doesn't mean you should be unhappy. Can you talk to your boyfriend about how you feel? Is he open to working on things? I know the words 'relationship therapy' sound a bit drastic, but it can make a huge difference if you're both willing to make it work. Or maybe even just communicating better would make a difference.

You also mention that you feel as though you have a dull life as well as a dull relationship. It's worth considering that if you're feeling down on life, this seeps into other things too. Can you and your boyfriend perhaps make an effort to go out more? Either together or apart? Maybe start a new hobby? Getting out of the rut might help.

We can't tell you what to do here at TheSite, and would never try to. But whatever you decide, we're here to support you.

Let us know how you get on.

Holly

Former Member

Thank you for the articles, Holly. They did make a lot of sense. I wouldn't leave the boyfriend, and after a situation the other night, I realize how much he cares and how shitty some other men are and I would never ever want to give that up.

I have been thinking about it a lot recently and I think I am using my relationship as a scapegoat for all of my failures in life. Everything (minus the sex) is comfortable, and that is what is good, yet in my life, I feel like a complete failure at everything. I am nothing like I would have thought or hoped I would be at this age so I am seeking excitement and thrills to take my mind off of it.

Instead of thinking about sexual thrills, I am trying to focus on other things. Adventures, traveling (when work allows)... I've decided to train for a half marathon by next spring... just anything to feel like I've done something useful. I suppose I am just going through a midlife crisis and have been taking it out on the boyfriend.


Another issue, is babies and marriage and family life. I have no inclination towards marriage, I am not religious, and besides that respect, I find there is no use for it. I also have no desire to have babies. We are both on the same page with this, neither of us want to be married or have babies but everybody my age and younger is doing that and I feel like I am some sort of weirdo. I'm going to wind up some old maide with 35 cats yelling at the neighborhood kids to stay off my lawn... I don't have issues with that, but I'm becoming aware that society does. Everybody I work with has the family and kids thing and that is all they talk about. I'm their age, yet made to feel like some old bag that is stuck at age 21.

I don't know this has taken on a whole new meaning. I suppose after my incident, I realize what a wonderful man I really have and it made me realize that it is everything else and I'm really just confused with life. I feel like a failure to myself and my goals, and I feel like some sort of failed outcast to society.