Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Options

cheating partner (41 years old and still a boy)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hi,

wondering whether i've done sommink really bad in a last life cos have had nothing but crap recently.

Found out that my long distance boyfriend/partner has been cheating on me, bigtime....ies lies lies and constantly on internet sites checking out the next best thing despite telling me he saw his future with me etc and came across as the lovelist guy ever, my words were "perfect for me" .... l
Ironic really when he said he got a divorce from his wife as she was unfaithful to him.

Anyways, i was over with him, orginally staying for a month with him, we rented an apartment (i paid for it like a mug) as he has little money and at mo is living with is parents again.

Anyways i went over there not that well with anxiety cos of a lot of things that have been going on recently, and hoped being with him i would get better. Second time over there with his parents, with his kids, so it was a big deal , being spanish, this is a big deal (we met on dating internet site, chatted for 3 months every eve, then finally hooked up in january and have been together since, and have met up when we could in various places)

Anyways to cut a long story short, i had my suspicions, dunno how, even a few weeks before i went over, he had slightly changed...but put it down to his work load... but it got worse and worse while over there..he had his phone on silent, was checking emails with a photo which he wouldnt show me... other shit.... he denied anything odd was going on when i knew there was. I got more ill, and it had turned to depression, thought i was going mad, and had to leave after just ten days without even saying good bye to his parents, who were lovely and really opened up to me. He has lied to them even, saying i went onto the Uk, not even saying i was ill which wouldnt have been a problem as his mum knew i had anxiety, i told her.

So apart from all this i feel bad that i never got to say goodbye, they were so hospitable, that is not my way just to bugger off, without saying goodbye!! plus i think they should know exactly what he has done to me. I have written a letter to explain all this, my question is, is it ethical to send it or not, or better leave sleeping dogs lie... what pisses me off is that they help him out financially big time, his mum does loads for him, he takes her for granted too, and i think she should know what he is really like. A complete philanderer and liar. your thoughts???

Comments

  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think sending a letter to explain why you left, and in what circumstances, and to thank them for what they did is a good idea, but I think you need to go easy on criticism of their son, because whatever he has done, he is still their son, and they will probably take his side if push comes to shove. He would likely say it was sour grapes anyway. So maybe thank them for their hospitality and support, and avoid getting too deep about the poor way in which he treated you.

    Are you getting some help for your depression?

    If not, suggest you speak to your GP about some counselling - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is approved by NICE for the treatment of depression.

    Good luck and take care of yourself.
    :wave:
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi, thanks for your reply.

    yes i am getting help re the depression, i was on meds before i went away for the anxiety, now on anti depressants and see my dr every week, he has referred me to a psychologist, cant get to see him till July though. Trouble is now i am going to have real trouble trusting guys, its the 5th guy thats mucked me about. What is it with some blokes these days? I dunno....
    I spoke with my boss today, as i am signed off work, (despite all this crap i was unwell before i went away, although i kept on working knowing that my holidays were near and i could rest then) and she said too, not to say too much about him to his parents, so not to go down to his level so to speak, but she is going to do me a letter which will be in perfect spanish, explaining why i left, the truth of the illness and that i came home, didnt go to the UK and she reckons that they, being his parents, and knowing him well, will get a pretty good idea of what went on. Incidently while I was there, his mum said to me "he's no saint" ....wish i'd asked her to expand on that when i was there but i didnt....so she probably knows what he's like anyways...and i know deep down i am better off without him and thank god i found out now before getting more involved and perhaps moving over there etc, but i,m finding it hard to get over these crap feelings and how could he be so deceitful? I feel a lot of anger too, how do i get rid of this???? thanks for your advice.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You could get some counselling with Relate for the left over feelings from this relationship (relate.org.uk) Don't be put off by the fee, they will set a fee according to what you can afford.

    Also, what could help with your anger, anxiety, and depression is to learn some deep relaxation techniques. There is a very good book that explains how and it has an 8 week course included and a CD.

    As I'm new to this site I'm not sure what the policy is on posting links to Amazon.co.uk, but if you google with "Mindfulness", or this: ISBN-13: 978-0749953089 number you should be able to locate it. It cost around £7.00, and is great value. It's written by Professor Mark Williams who is a leading neural scientist in the UK, and the techniques have been tried and tested on people suffering with mild to moderate depression, and it has been approved by NICE as a recognised self-help method.

    The methods will compliment any form of counselling, i.e. for relationships, or CBT, etc.

    Learning to relax will help you to avoid rumination and getting caught up in going over and over the same thoughts time and time again, and it should help you to avoid the kind of thinking that fuels your angry feelings. It will also help with improving the quality of your sleep, which is an important aspect in the treatment of depression.

    If you are seeing a psychologist in July, then the chances are that they will introduce you to CBT. One of the latest innovations is to combine Mindfulness and conventional CBT techniques for the treatment of depression, so if you get the book you will be on the right track.

    I hope this is helpful to you - try and keep in mind that there is light at the end of this rather dark tunnel, and once you reach the sunlight again it will feel better than ever. In the meantime, be kind to yourself, and try not to stress yourself out by going back over the past. Things will get better for you soon.

    All the very best to you.

    Jed :)
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Jed

    thanks for your support and kindness.

    I will have a look at amazon for that book and Cd, i'll try anything. I do find it hard to relax generally, i'm over sensitive, and obsess over the smallest thing, say if someone says something a certain way, i wonder what if i've done something wrong etc... I know deep down i have low self esteem and this needs to be worked on.

    I actually live in spain so no relate here, not sure what their types of treatment are either, will have to wait and see....

    Tonight i've been thinking it over and am actually trying to forgive him, if this makes sense, by forgiving him this actually will help me. In a lot of ways i realise i've had a lucky escape. His telling me that his ex was unfaithful to him, more likely I reckon it was the other way round considering the lies he told me.

    Thanks again for your help. Really does help.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That is the CD, but the book (with the CD in the back) is cheaper:-
    (don't know why that should be)

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X/ref=pd_sim_b_3

    I notice that on another thread you posted about the mornings being a particularly difficult time. Some AD's can take up to three weeks to reach full affect, so if you have only recently started them, things may improve soon. Also, some meds can actually cause people to feel angry, so if your anger doesn't lessen within three weeks or so, I suggest speaking with your doctor about them.

    The first week of learning to relax can be hard going, because the more tense you are, the more difficult it will be to bring your mind under control. But the book explains how, and as long as you persist, it will work.

    All the best :)

    Jed
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Jed

    thanks for all your support, you seem well informed. I actually ended up ordering the one on depression thinking that may be more appropriate, I feel less angry about him today, actually went to see an ex boyfriend of mine (we split up on good terms and are still friends) and had a good chat with him, and thats helped. Normally i have split up with ex's on good terms and have remained friendly.
    Yes the mornings are horrendus, i wake up and within a second or two its like a big bang, and the anxiety kicks in. Its terrible. I should just get up there and then and get going, but that makes the day longer to get through , so i lay in bed for another hour or so trying to get back to sleep. I'm then having breakfast, although its really hard to eat (my stomach feels closed and i've lost loads of weights since the anxiety thing started ) but then make myself go out for a walk where i live, which is in the countryside, get to see to local animals here, and have "befriended" a donkey, so take him a carrot and spend some time with him, which helps. Might sound stupid, but it does help. Then in the afternoons i try and do a few things and if i'm up to it meet up with a friend, although i feel like i must be shit company at the moment. Normally i'm pretty up beat and bubbly, at the moment its really hard even to smile. My whole appearance is dreadful, even if I do my hair and put on a bit of make up I still look like shit. I'm on the fourth week now of the anti depressants, and they are the same brand i used to take (and helped me) when i had depression some years back. I know i'm susceptible to it, but have had it under control for the last two years without medication. Perhaps I should just stay on the medication and accept it. I say "under control" loosely as that hasnt been easy either, its been a challenge some times, but i hate taking medication for it and feel it is a weakness in me. Its been like when i'm good i feel really good, and when i've felt bad i've felt bad.

    Just to add, this thing i'm going through now feels different to the depression i've had before, its more an anxiety and nervous thing too. Before i never had that terrible morning thing.

    Thanks again Jed for listening. Really helps.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Walking is great therapy, as is making friends with animals, who often seem to know when someone is feeling down or sad.

    Being in the country is ideal, lots of things growing around you that you can see making progress day by day. The exercise will help to burn up the less desirable chemicals that are created in the body due to stress. Fresh air and sunlight are both beneficial to recovering from depression.

    Leaning on a fence while feeding a donkey some carrots sounds a great way to get in touch with nature and the greater scheme of things, which sometimes can help to put our troubles into perspective.

    Do you find staying bed in the mornings helpful? If you find that you are ruminating or worrying, then it probably isn't helping you. It might be better to get up and take a nap in the afternoon.

    When you catch yourself being self critical, just cut it short, you don't need that.

    If your best friend was feeling as you are at the moment, would you feel some compassion for them? If the answer is yes, then start being a friend to yourself.

    One definition of anxiety is that you try to live tomorrow today, i.e. you try to deal with things that are in the future and not in the 'here and now'.

    Mindfulness is all about learning to live in the here and now - or perhaps more accurately, unlearning the habit of existing somewhere other than here, and, now.

    I think that's one of the calming things about animals: they live in the present, and somehow, they seem to be able to communicate that to their human associates.

    If you can't cope with eating substantial meals, then you could try slimming drinks - they tend to be quite light on the stomach and they contain the nutrients you need to stay healthy. Fruit and nut chocolate is good too, if you like that sort of thing. Hazel nuts contain magnesium, which helps with muscle tension, and the fruit provides roughage and vitamin C. The higher the coco level of the chocolate, the better the anti-depressant effect. Drink as much water or squash as you can manage. Wholemeal foods are generally seen to be good for recovering from depression. Oily fish is great too. Tinned mackerel on toast is easy, cheap, and very good for depression. That’s if you can find an appetite for it of course.

    Growing things can also be therapeutic, maybe a few herbs in pots, or there are plenty of young tomato plants around at the moment, if you fancy it?

    Talking with friends is great, talking while walking can be even better, particularly in the countryside – being a natural form of therapy.

    Sounds like you are getting there – although progress often involves ebb and flow, i.e. good days, and not so bright days. But there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

    Keep in touch :)

    Jed
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Jed

    oh no, just written a long reply and dont know where it has gone....how frustrating. will write again tomorrow when i'm not so tired.
    thanks for your continued support.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    meowmix wrote: »
    Hi Jed

    oh no, just written a long reply and dont know where it has gone....how frustrating. will write again tomorrow when i'm not so tired.
    thanks for your continued support.

    OK - will keep an eye on this thread.

    All the best.

    Jed
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Jed

    no, laying bed doesnt help at all so ive been getting up and going swimming and this helps a lot, althought the effects dont last long, but its a step forward, and makes me feel hungry after so it's been easier to eat. Thankfully my Mum is cooking for me so i'm eating healthily.

    You are totally right about "One definition of anxiety is that you try to live tomorrow today, i.e. you try to deal with things that are in the future and not in the 'here and now'. " I am worrying too much about stupid stuff. Things that havent even happened. The yapping in my head.

    Have felt a lift in my mood overall though the last couple of days although today I feel moody, will go for that walk later and see the donkey. I realise i'm gonna have good and bad days, just hope i get better soon so I can get back to work and normality. I saw a work associate yesterday, bumped into her, had a chat, she is actually very nice and she asked me why I was off, I told her, she said to me "you look fine to me" , I told her I didnt, but that got me worrying then, thinking she may go back to my work and say that she saw me and I seemed fine... got that going round in my head now. Like i'm lying or something. I worry too much about about stupid things.

    And yes if my best friend wasnt well i would do all i could to support them, i need to stop putting myself down, hoping when I see the psychologist in July he can help me with that... the thing that is frustrating is that before all this, although i was insecure, i never felt this bad and when i was with my b.friend I felt fantastic. Since he did what he did all this has been triggered off, and I still feel bittterness towards him. Thankfully he is in another country and i dont have to see him, but its the fact that he cheated on me, and i know he is back on the chat sites probably out shagging other girls, and it makes me feel sick. I really loved him (well the person he portrayed to me, not the him that i know he is now). I'm finding that hard to let go.

    Thanks again Jed, hope you're not sick of hearing from me.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi meowmix

    Swimming sounds like a great idea - any kind of exercise will burn up some of the unhelpful chemicals produced in the body by stress, and increase the helpful chemicals that make the brain work more effectively. But don’t rush yourself, just do it when it feels right. Eating nutritional food will help those processes too.

    Perhaps your work colleague was trying to reassure you about your appearance if you had mentioned that you were worried about how you look?

    People who are depressed, or very stressed, don’t show visual symptoms anyway, maybe they let themselves go a bit, but anyone can do that for all sorts of reasons. Try not to worry about it – maybe she just doesn’t understand what it’s like to be depressed.

    I know what you mean about your ex, i.e. people who can cause us to feel good about ourselves can also often cause us to feel bad about ourselves. It’s as if they become a mirror for our self-esteem. I think it happens to a lot of people.

    I think what you say about missing the guy you thought he was, rather than the guy he turned out to be, is very insightful. Your love for him led you into trusting him maybe, and he blew it back in your face! So now you’re grieving for the person that touched your heart, and not the randy, untrustworthy, git that he turned out to be?

    As the saying goes: “Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”?

    It’s going to hurt for a while, but you’ll get over it. Any mistakes you made about him have been made by millions of others too – romance is risky, and there are no guarantees. Tick that ‘frog’ off the list and start looking for another Prince as soon as you get fully fit again.

    I think my neighbour is firing up his barbie, either that or someone has lobbed a smoke bomb in my garden – I’ve had to close the windows. Phewwwww!

    Seems like a nice evening now – so when do you plan to visit your old pal the donkey again? I don’t recall seeing that many donkeys over the last few years, other than on the beach. They always look cute and friendly, and seem like quite placid animals.

    Jed
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Jed

    how right you are, I am grieving for the wonderful guy he was in the beginning and up until last month and not the and not the "randy, untrustworthy, git that he turned out to be"... and yeah I will get over it.

    I went to see the donkey this afternoon, he runs towards me now when he sees me cos he knows i've got carrots. I try and go every day.. but I live on an island in the canarias (spain) so its quite normal to see a donkey here in the countryside where i live. Will give him a pat from you. He's got an eye infection, I went and spoke to the owners about it (spanish arent so good at understanding how to look after animals) and they assured me he was getting treated, but i dont see any improvement over the last week...he has bitten me once, a friend of mine told me that every donkey is different, with their different personalities, a bit like us I guess... perhaps someone gave him a hard time once and he hasnt gotten over it. Bless him.

    Have a nice weekend and thanks for your support again.

    MM
Sign In or Register to comment.