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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What's to be proud of? I'm 23 and have achieved nothing. I have been brought to my knees by something I should have got over by now. I can't a grip on how I feel. I am angry with myself because I feel like all of this is completely irrational. My world just isn't right anymore. I can't believe he did this. I cannot believe he would put me through this. I just want him back...Arghhhhh I'm so bloody angry. I'm angry with myself. There are people dealing with much worse...I need to just get a grip and get on with it. I caused it anyway. Half my family have made it clear it's my fault. It should have been me. Not him. They need him. I deserve to feel like this...it's the consequence of my actions. Of getting it very very wrong. I should never have gone to work that day. I just want to tell him I'm sorry...really sorry. I miss him. I don't know how much longer I can cope feeling like this. I really hate myself. I'm scared of what will happen when my counselling sessions finish...I'm just so confused and mixed up.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Please make it stop...please make it go away :( *cries*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How long have you got the counselling sessions for, WhiteLillies? Are they through your doctor, or the uni?

    I'm sure you're aware of the grief cycle by now so i don't need to show you it again, but i do want to reassure you that you are in a normal cycle and that this will, eventually, pass. You are allowed to be completely irrational for a period- and whilst there are people dealing with other problems, they are not worse or easier than your problems, so you shouldn't compare yourself to them.

    I would question why your family are giving you the impression that it's your fault. Right now, you're probably not in a place mentally where you can look at what they're saying and realise how incorrect they are. You do not 'deserve' to feel like this, but you are experiencing these kinds of feelings and they're all okay. They may not be pleasant, but in a way they're necessary. You know your letters that you were writing to your counsellor? Why not write one to your Dad- and tell him everything.

    Your counselling sessions will be designed to facilitate and give you the coping mechanisms to continue dealing with this myriad of feelings. It's unlikely that they will leave you destitute and incapable of coping.

    I don't know you well enough on a personal level to be able to list all of the things you have achieved and should be proud of, but I am sure that one of your friends could. Even if you look at what Helen pointed out to you in that other thread about emotional healthiness, that sort of reframing opens up a whole load of things you don't normally notice, but should be proud of.

    Keep posting.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not sure how long the counselling sessions last? It's through uni...I remember her saying something at my assessment about students being entitled to 8 sessions and then towards the end of the assessment she encouraged me to contact Cruse (which I have done - currently on a 3 month waiting list) because she felt I needed something longer term. However, since then its never been raised - she just checks to see if I have heard from Cruse...which I haven't...I'm worried about the wait in between the ones at uni finishing and starting with Cruse. Also, my sessions at uni aren't very regular...this time I have a 2 week gap so I should have been seen today which would have been good but she couldn't do this week so I have to wait until next Tuesday. I just feel like I'm relying on them when I don't want to.

    I'm not talking close family - it's my Aunties and a Great Uncle and those sort of relatives that are the ones blaming me. I fully appreciate and understand they are grieving and want someone to blame...effectively though they are just displacing their grief onto me....right now I'm not in the right head space to deal with their grief as well as my own. I don't know how to balance it all.

    I didn't write a letter to my counsellor in the end...well I had thoughts and things written down but didn't give them to her...I did however write two letters to my Dad and gave them to her to read...it was talking through them that left me feeling like I have been all week. I know its because thats the first real insight she's had into how I really feel, rather than just the objective "I feel angry because..." I guess I left feeling quite vulnerable. I was also asked in my last session to go away and write a letter to myself...I tried but had to stop because within 5 minutes I had managed to write an A4 page on why I needed to get over this and get on with it. It made me feel 10 times worse...which I guess hasn't helped my mood either. Instead, I tried writing down how I've been feeling as and when it's felt overwhelming...this time I will take it with me to show her...I think she should read it.

    In terms of achievements...I don't feel quite so self-critical today. I think it was just a lot of misplaced anger...I just don't like where I am right now...not just emotionally with everything thats happened but career and everything else. I know I should use that to motivate me and today I feel like I will and in that respect I am in a much better frame of mind...It's just really hard when it is constant rejection and I'm not in a great place with all the other things going on.

    I know that what I feel is considered normal under the circumstances but I don't feel normal and I know people keep saying I'm coping because I still "function" but sometimes I really don't want to get out of bed in the mornings and feeling like that seems to be becoming a more regular thing and to me that isn't coping...for me - that isn't normal.

    Sorry...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Stop apologising sweetheart, it's okay! :)

    I don't know if i've mentioned this before, but I think the push for me to go to counselling was one morning when I literally couldn't face getting out of bed. This scared me to death - like you, I wasn't happy with being like that, and it was so abnormal for me, and my status quo. But, it is a natural part of what you're going through, so whilst it may be abnormal to what you usually like and want to be feeling, it's not so odd in the grand sceme of things.

    You've hit the nail on the head there with the achievements paragraph. It is really difficult to deal with other big life decisions when you're feeling rough with grief. Are you able to put into place something like doing nice things for you, to help balance your stress levels out? Even if it's just half an hour doing something you really really enjoy.

    What strikes me about your discussion of your feelings is that you seem to have this idea that there is a certain way you should be feeling. Feeling like you 'should have gotten over this by now' might not necessarily be helpful to your progress, but it is a valid way of feeling.

    It is incredibly unfair of your family to lay blame on you - and frankly, they should know better. If I were to give advice, I'd say to remove yourself from that situation as much as possible, especially when you're not in the headspace to deal with their grief. Avoidance is the most helpful technique here.

    How far into your counselling are you now? Please be assured that whilst you do get worse before you get better, you will eventually start to feel better. IMO the main aim of counselling is to give you the tools to deal with what you're feeling independently, so that you can continue the work post-counsellor facilitation. My uni counselling session tended to give you a contract of six counselling sessions, though there were times when I needed an extra one (including walking out of a meditation class in tears and having an emergency counselling session!) and they were flexible. You sound like you are purposefully trying to move forward, rather than just using counselling as a crutch as some people are wont to do, so I would suspect they'd give you that flexibility.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Purple_roo wrote: »
    Stop apologising sweetheart, it's okay! :)

    I just feel bad...I know your supporting me...I can never thank any of you enough for the support you have given me...I just don't want you to think I don't appreciate it. I really do appreciate it. I'm just sorry for not being ok :( I'm sorry for being like this :(

    It's good to know I'm not the only one...in terms of not wanting to get up in the mornings. I kind of feel like people don't understand...they see me functioning and think I'm ok....I don't feel ok...I couldn't feel any less ok :(

    Umm...I go to the gym...I like having that time to myself...I also read a lot for a bit of escapism...I see my friends a lot too but it's not always easy when we are trying to juggle it for when we are all free...

    The thoughts around "I should feel like this..." - It's the battle of my head and heart I think....my head says get over it, my heart says I can't...my head is the strong one...so it is my heart that is speaking when I say "I should feel..." - does that make any sense? I've been told to "snap out of it" and other people's reactions when (on the odd occasion) they see I'm struggling also contribute to that...they make me feel I am being irrational...they make me feel I should be over it. My counsellor also pointed out that I say it a lot...she then corrected me by saying that I'm not over it as quickly as I want to be...I'm also never going to "get over it", just "through it" and in time...She has a point...I just wish someone could say...in "x" amount of time you will stop feeling like this. I guess I just feel disappointed in myself for not dealing with it better...I should be able to just get on with it.

    I don't speak to them anymore...it upsets me a little as I would liked this to have brought us closer...not driven us apart even more...They have been really selfish about this from the beginning. One even said my Dad would be "ashamed to call me his daughter"...maybe she is right....

    From what I can remember I've had an assessment and 4 sessions...I think anyway...maybe 5? One of the main things she has encouraged me to do is write about how I feel...be it in a letter to my Dad or to myself or whatever. It does help getting it all out. I thought that maybe as most students go home for the summer, there wouldn't be a waiting list, in which case they may allow me to have additional sessions just until I can get an appointment with Cruse? It also says on the website that additional sessions may be provided where necessary and advice on where to access longer-term therapy if appropriate. I definitely don't want to go just for the sake of it...I want to go because I know it helps...I know talking about it helps...I just find that difficult in a face-to-face environment...I guess I don't want to break down that barrier. I'm scared of letting someone see that side of me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think your counsellor made a really good point - and one that it's likely to take time to get both your head and your heart around. You're never going to get over it. You'll get through it, but you'll never completely get over it.

    There's almost nothing in life that we truly get over. Plenty we get through, that changes us, that shapes our personalities, but very little that we get over.

    Once upon a long time ago I was the second to top year of the infant school - and the top year did the nativity play. The following year they changed the divide between infants and juniors by moving it down a year. So the following year the top year (on the new system) did the nativity play. So I never got to be in a school nativity play.

    I'm 25 now - I've not got over that. It doesn't dominate my life - but I learnt from it that there are things that aren't fair, because life can never ever be fair and you have to draw a line under them and move on.

    (Clearly I'm not trying to compare your dad to me not being in a nativity play)

    What are you reading at the moment? Anything good? Have you checked out the book club thread?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think your counsellor made a really good point - and one that it's likely to take time to get both your head and your heart around. You're never going to get over it. You'll get through it, but you'll never completely get over it.

    There's almost nothing in life that we truly get over. Plenty we get through, that changes us, that shapes our personalities, but very little that we get over.

    I guess I never really thought of it like that...this just seems so massive in comparison to anything else I've had to deal with.
    What are you reading at the moment? Anything good? Have you checked out the book club thread?

    I have just finished "Between the Lines" by Jodi Picoult...now looking for something new. The book "Me Before You" by Jojo Moyes is sat waiting for me to read so may read that one next. I haven't really checked it out properly...I've heard of it but only just started getting back into reading because I've not had the proper concentration...I guess I kind of just want to get my head straight before I committed to anything...definitely on my list of things to get involved with though :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Counselling was just bleughhhhhh. Not going anymore.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why so, WhiteLillies?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why are you giving up? It won't fix anything to ignore it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have 2 sessions left which in that time are supposed to miraculously make me feel better. But they don't. I know I'm not helping myself. I'm just scared. Really, really scared.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, they're not meant to miraculously make you feel better. They should be giving you the tools and space to start processing what's happened. Why are you scared?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    But I feel worse...much worse afterwards so why go through it twice more just for that support to be taken away and at the moment it's the only face to face support I'm getting. There hasn't really been any coping mechanisms discussed other than writing how I feel. I'm scared of facing some of my feelings. She said that last session she noted how close I became to allowing myself to be upset but stopped myself. It's true. But I'm scared of letting down that emotional barrier entirely.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's a very scary process, especially when it's something you are so utterly new to. But, you have some 'success' stories here to show you that there is an other side. And whilst we're still at times going through these emotions, and a times experience bad, low points, for the most part, Fiend, myself and Scary Monster* have been through this and come out the other side, with scars but generally healthy.

    I always felt worse after my counselling sessions - I posted in another thread about the kind stranger who gave me a hug when I was desolate in the street at uni. I knew not to plan anything for those nights because I would always be in a god-awful mood, no matter what we'd been discussing.

    Are you able to approach your counsellor and practically ask for some aids to coping mechanisms? If it is worrying you enough to make you this stressed about it, broach it with her.

    When you say that you feel much worse afterwards, I'm assuming that's immediately, how do you feel a day or two later on, when you've had a chance to process things?

    *(am assuming Scary Monster has experienced a similar loss, from what she's posted)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    While I'm by and large over my bereavement. I have never learned how to handle certain situations, I'm going to have to go back into therapy/counselling/treatment to sort myself out. You don't want to have to go back over this in ten or fifteen years when someone else dies or a relationship breaks down or something. You need to complete the course and get the tools you need to keep yourself healthy.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I had a really open and honest conversation with some friends. They told me they already knew I was putting up a front and that they were just doing what they thought I needed. They basically told me to call them whenever, even if it meant just so I had someone there who would sit with me if I just wanted to cry or scream or rant...that if I didn't want cheering up but just a hug then that's what they were for...it's going to be tough and I'm scared but I have to deal with this eventually :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You've got some good friends. I hope you'll take them up on it. I don't want to volunteer Roo's position, but I've always felt like I could count on her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My friends are awesome...it's my trust issues I let get in the way. I didn't even mention it, they broached it with me which makes me think they really do care and do want to help me :) I will try and be more open with them...it's just hard..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Being vulnerable is very frightening.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's good. I cannot tell you enough what a godsend it has been for me to have had friends who've experience similar situations. Being able to call up Fiend when I had the first dream about my Dad, and be able to talk about it with someone who knows the feeling, or being able to call another friend of mine at 4am if I really really needed to.

    It is hard - luckily for me I've had quite a lot of involvement in bereavement and peer counselling over the years, so I was able to articulate to my friends the feeling of understanding that they may not know the best move to help me, but that just knowing that they did want to help me was enough. It's also really brave of them to approach you about it, and I'm really glad that it's gone positively for you.

    How are you feeling about the counselling this morning?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What surprised me the most was the change in attitude from one of them. It was almost like she had read up on how to best support someone going through bereavement and then used it in the right way, whereas before I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall.

    I'm really confused about counselling. I feel like she was getting frustrated with me because she's not getting the reaction she wants. However, after having a really awful morning at work I know I was feeling really stressed out before I got there so I wasn't in the right frame of mind in the first place. I also got wound up when she asked me to write a letter to myself and when I did she told me that what I had written was almost shocking but it wasn't because she understood my point so then I just felt confused. I know I played a part in that session turning out the way it did because of how I felt from work but I just felt there was an expectation from me and when she didn't get the reaction she wanted she got annoyed..

    So, do I go back and explain how that session left me or do I just put it down to experience and just go again as if that last session never happened or do I just give up with it? As supportive as my friends are, they aren't necessarily aware of some of the things a trained counsellor is so I'm concerned about just giving up with it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmm- I'd be inclined to say that you should discuss the last session with your counsellor. Even counsellors aren't perfect and she may not have realised how she affected things, although remembering that you had your own causes for being a bit off as well. Overall, how do you get on with this counsellor? Has she generally been of help? There needs to be an element of trust and understanding between you and your counsellor, otherwise i think people get put off. There isn't any harm in changing the counsellor either, sometimes you get on with certain personalities better.

    Sorry, I feel this is a bit garbled, but I hope you get my point!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's not garbled - it makes perfect sense :)

    I'm not really sure as I have nothing to compare her to...I don't dislike her and previous sessions haven't been as bad as this particular one...I'm just not sure...

    I was talking to my manager today and I explained to her what had happened and she said that in her experiences if my counsellor feels I'm holding back she should be getting to the root cause as of why...she said based on what I had told her she felt that maybe she wasn't digging deep enough and quite honestly I would agree...the whole letter thing really proved that...she said to me I shouldn't be telling myself to get over it...which is fine because its no different to anyone else telling me the same thing; however, telling me not to do something doesn't get to the bottom of why I'm doing it and I guess I don't feel comfortable going to a session and saying "right this is what I want to talk about" - its always very much led by her.

    I don't feel comfortable completely letting go of that front with her...which is a massive blocker when it comes to sessions in general...but then I feel she hasn't necessarily made me feel comfortable enough to do so...

    I am finding this really hard to explain but there is just something I'm not comfortable with and I can't quite pick out what it is...She has been generally helpful in most other sessions...Just this one was not so great...

    I only have 2 more sessions anyway and then I am either going to Cruse or through another charity that offer counselling to 16-25 year olds - whichever one contacts me first...maybe I might be more comfortable with them?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not only may you be more comfortable with them, but they may try out different techniques that suit you better. Counselling isn't all talking therapy. When I first went, we had a session or two of talking therapy, and then went on to do EMDR - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing - which is a treatment for PTSD. Then I did a combination of group therapy and talking therapy the second time round.

    I found in some of the talking therapies that I didn't always agree with the assumptions that the counsellor was making, but they gave me food for thought to go and process, and sometimes I changed my mind, or I didn't but could see their point and apply it.

    I would encourage you to take these points here- even a simple line such as "I'd like to get to the bottom of why I'm doing things, not whether I should or shouldn't be doing them" - and discuss these in the next session. It is okay for you to direct the counselling and get out of it what you need and want.

    Also- maybe you did just have a bad session. Much like we sometimes have bad days.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I never thought of the different types - maybe something else would suit me better...I guess I'll find out...

    I have taken on board a lot of what she has said in the past and even this week I am trying my hardest to allow myself to be ok with not being ok (if that makes sense!?)...I don't think the bang to the head is doing me much good though as I've had a headache ever since!! Its a good excuse to be irritable though ^_^

    I think I will just put it down to a bad session...:yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You sound more 'positive' about it today, anyway. It's going to be a difficult ride- but this is easier than not dealing with it or not getting the help at all. And as an added bonus (though a bittersweet one!) once you have progressed with this, you'll be better equipped for the future and anything that gets thrown in your path. It's an outcome that I've noticed for me, even though there are still the odd bad times, I'm generally better able to deal with what life throws at me (excusing the stress levels thing! lol).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think I'm just worried about how long this is going on for but if I compare that to how long I would be dealing with it, if I didn't get help now, then this isn't that long at all. Also things from the past I never dealt with have resurfaced as a result of my Dads suicide so I know it would happen...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My suggestion would be to stuck with it. The easy option in the short term would be to run away from counselling and put up the wall. It why fix anything, but it will temporarily put the hard stuff back into it's box and make the individual hours easier. Long term it doesn't fix anything though.

    I'd try and tell your counsellor what you've been think after the last session, even print the bits of this thread and give them to her if you think that's going to be easier.

    Letting that guard down is really hard, but long term it does help, I promise.

    Thinking back to some of the rough ot he's I've had, some of the things that helped the ,sot were also the hardest to do. Staying over At a guy friends house one night, admitting that everything was shit, that I hadn't been eating or sleeping properly and that I wasn't getting any me time to try and deal with anything because I was too tied up with trying to keep everything in life ticking over. That evening he cooked me dinner, something bog standard but had meat and carbs and veg in it. I ate it satbat a table with a knife and fork and a drink. He put my car through the car wash, gave the inside a quick Hoover and cleared out all the rubbish. Curled up on the sofa for a bit, with no need for me to fo anything and then I stayed over, in his bed. Curled up, with tears running down my face at times, hugging a pillow, with a reassuring ATM there, telling me it was ok to cry. Very different to the, there there, don't cry. That night I slept. I slept with a relatively clear head, and the following morning I had breakfast and went back to work.

    Dropping my guard was really hard to do, but sometimes it doesn't half pay off.

    Incidentally, the next time I saw him was in the pub with a few friends. Mu guard wad back up, because that was how I handled that night, and he played along with that just fine.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Now I've calmed down, I won't give up with it. I only have to look at the state my mum is in to know that I need help now rather than having it come back to haunt me later.
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