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Sorry...

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I guess that makes sense but why dream that he doesn't know who I am? The only relation to that in reality is that my Nan has dementia which he always struggled with...i keep coming across pictures and I just can't get my head around not seeing him in reality ever again...it's like my mind refuses to acknowledge it even though I know it's never going to happen :confused:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dreams don't really reflect reality, or make quite that much sense. It's your brain trying to reason as to why he isn't there any more- if he was alive, but didn't know you, that is much better than him being dead. My dreams of my dad (which I don't have often, but do occasionally) are some of the most vivid ever. And they're scary as, because now my brain has come to terms with it, but still doesn't want to believe it.

    As for your question in your other thread about what else a doc can do apart from medication, they may be able to provide advice on other support you can get, or even go so far as to sign you off work if that's a necessary option.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I will make an appointment with my GP then...can't do me any harm... :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No it can't. Good work.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So I need help with my first "homework assignment" from counselling...
    The first part was easy...write a letter to my Dad telling him what I would if he was here....I've done that.
    The second bit isn't so easy...I need to write down how I feel...that's easy if I do it in the same way I talk about things in counselling...objectively...but that isn't helping...I need to be subjective...I don't know where to begin!?! I guess I don't know how to explain that I don't know how I feel because I am never feeling the same thing all the time...the other issue is, I don't know how to be subjective because as soon as I start to focus on how I feel and why I switch back to being emotionally detached again. I've tried writing it as if I am posting on here but I still can't do it!?!
    Any ideas/help would be appreciated????
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well done on doing the first part - that's a great start.

    How about starting by going through some of the posts you've made on here and pulling those together - you've put up a fair few things about how you feel (or don't feel, which is also kind of a feeling) so it's not as out of reach as you might currently be thinking.

    The not feeling the same the whole time thing is completely understandable. If you take the focus away from the quality of what you're writing and think about it more like a diary type thing that might help. So when you're angry, put that down with a date/time against it and any thoughts you've got to go with that; when you're feeling good because you've achieved something at work, or been nice and let someone out in the traffic put that down. Doing it in nice small chunks might make it easier to tackle.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would certainly agree to not worry about the quality, or even the coherence of what you're writing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the tips :)
    I went through the posts on here, then reflected on where I am in comparison to the frame of mind I was in when I wrote them...especially as a lot of the stuff I've posted, I've already covered with her...
    I think adding to it as and when I feel something is a good idea...I guess trying to write it in one go isn't the best way.
    As for the quality...I'm not so sure I'll read it once I've written it so I'm just going to hope for the best :thumb:
    Thanks guys x :d
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds like you've got a good plan there.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This letter I had to write...I've just re-read it and I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't anything like I wrote. I thought it would just be a really angry letter but it was the complete opposite. Most of it just refers back to me needing to "relive" and talk about how I felt when I was told and how sorry I am now. Most of it just seems to be an apology. Is this wrong?? I feel like maybe that wasn't what she was expecting. But I didn't think about what I was writing. I just went with how I was feeling at the time and it is what I would say to him. I might be angry with him but if he was here I wouldn't say that to him so I didn't write it...does that even make sense?? Maybe I should re-write it?? Maybe it should have more emotion in it? I don't want to show it to her for her to tell me it's wrong...I'm so confused...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Keep it, and write another one. Show her both.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're writing about your thoughts and feelings - there's no 'wrong' answer. Without trying to second guess your counsellor, I'd suggest that one of the things she's trying to get a handle on through these homeworks is what you're currently thinking and feeling so there's nothing to be gained at all by you writing another letter with what you think you should be feeling in, rather than what actually came to mind.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks :) I have kept it and re-read it again...it is completely honest so I guess it can't be wrong...
    I will make sure in the 2nd part that I get across how there is so much more I want to talk about but don't know how...I have mentioned a lot about knowing I need to talk about things but not wanting to break down that "emotional barrier" thats kept me going up until now...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry...one other question...Is it ok to write the 2nd part as a letter to my counsellor? It started off as just random thoughts and feelings, etc but now I feel some of it is an explanation as if I've written her a letter...is this considered ok?? I don't really have any experience of this... :confused:
    I guess I was going to explain to her that I had written down things I wanted to say but didn't know how to say them face to face...?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Personally, I can't see how it would hurt. But I might be wrong again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks :) You've not been wrong as yet...in fact your experience has helped me massively through this and I honestly couldn't thank you or the other lovely people on here enough for the support :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hahaha you've done it again and made me LOL!!!! I love the picture...!! :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds like a brilliant plan.

    Sometimes it's a lot easier to write things with some kind of purpose/direction rather than as just a brain slurge. I go through lurches of writing 'not suitable for facebook' statuses which I keep in a file. I find it helps me get my thoughts in line, but I'd really struggle with any kind of diary.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hahaha you've done it again and made me LOL!!!! I love the picture...!! :)

    What she said. It's hilarious! Where do you find these genius creations?!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'd really struggle with any kind of diary.

    I have tried diary writing/blogging but I just can't do it either...I guess what I've written is exactly like facebook status' I could never post! I feel more comfortable knowing that she will have a better insight into how I feel without me having to say it and then maybe she will be better able to help me in terms of the questions she asks to make me talk...or maybe that's wishful thinking?? I don't want to try and second guess her but I get the impression she asked me to do it to see if I would be more open when I write and then she might understand a bit more of what's going on inside my head and what I'm not saying in sessions??
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My guess would be that you're pretty much spot on - although it's possibly more that she's trying to get an overall picture, and to get you to think about what you're actually feeling rather than just what you're saying out loud which is more likely to be the 'outside world face'.

    When I was struggling I could smile and tell the world I was fine, or come up with the easy expected slightly sad stories whilst still keeping up my protective shell. Anyone who asked questions would get that version of me, but the scribbled 'statuses' or texts I never sent would be far closer to the truth. (Actually - I still have bad patches so the above is all still true)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You sound just like me! The things I've written are more personal and based on how I really feel...I kind of felt I had to really reassure her in the last session that I wasn't at risk of suicide and in this letter I've done the same but also mentioned that sometimes it's a relief just to voice that I've felt that low but have no intentions of actually doing anything...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey WhiteLillies,

    I've been away so havent had the net to check here much, so thought I'd pop back and see how you're doing. From the sounds of these posts, you're keeping on with things. Hope it's still going as well as possible?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Purple_roo

    Fiend mentioned you were on holiday...did you have a good time?

    I'm not doing so well this week :( Can't get a grip...can't stop crying over little things. I'm just a bit of a mess :( Sorry...know I'm rubbish...know I need to sort myself out. I am trying...really trying...just not doing so well at achieving it.

    Hope you are well?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Had a lovely time, just nice to be away and having a break! And yes, I am well, thank you for asking, apart from a rubbish migraine that isn't taking my hints at ignoring it!

    You're allowed to not have a grip all the time. I think i'd go crazy if i didn't allow myself a bit of downtime when I wasn't fully on top of everything. You're not rubbish in any way, shape or form- you're trying and that's the most anyone can ask of you. It is not ever going to be an instant, easy fix, but it is worth putting the effort in and going through the turmoil.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Cool :-) Apart from the migraine! They are rubbish!!

    I don't want to go through it anymore :( I've had enough now. I'm tired of trying when I feel like I'm only just keeping my head above water. I want someone to take this away...just for a little while...just so I can remember what it feels like to be genuinely happy again...what it feels like to be normal. I feel like I'm right back to square one. I can't cope with all the manics ups and downs.

    I don't deserve to grieve...it's all my fault.

    Sorry...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't deserve to grieve...it's all my fault.

    Sorry...

    It isn't your fault. It isn't. I know that it's so incredibly difficult for you to manage, even to function just now, but you had absolutely no bearing upon what has happened, it isn't your fault WhiteLillies. Please? You should be so proud of yourself for doing what you've done so far, you're an incredible, loving person and you just don't deserve your pain. Is there anything that you could do to distract yourself? Is there anybody you could speak to just now?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Unflithen wrote: »
    You should be so proud of yourself for doing what you've done so far, you're an incredible, loving person and you just don't deserve your pain. Is there anything that you could do to distract yourself? Is there anybody you could speak to just now?

    I don't feel that proud...I feel like a failure...and I really hate myself at the moment. All my compassion and empathy and tolerance for others is just non-existent...I'm so selfish.

    I've been reading...always a method of escapism for me and looking for a new job...mine is really stressing me out...and walking into the same place I got told...day in, day out...its really not doing me any favours.

    No-not really...I don't feel in control or understand the way I feel so I very much doubt anyone else would and I don't want to freak them out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm proud of you.
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