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I tried to go back through some of your posts, but I've not been able to find anything in reference to this. When you spoke to your Doctor about counselling, did you discuss the possibilities of medical/medicinal help for how you're feeling at the moment? I am in no way qualified to say that you should be asking for anti-depressants etc, but it may be worth the conversation to see if there is anything that could stabilise your feelings in the meantime, to allow you to deal with the wait for counselling.
Alternatively, if you don't want to look at medicines, my old uni has an excellent set of resources that you could try using to help you manage your mood whilst you're struggling with things. This page lists a whole host of resources for almost all conditions under the sun.
If you look at the bottom of this page there are some meditation mp3s if that helps you out.
These two links MoodGYM and e-couch are some good online resources for mood-help, and my uni has this: Wellbeing.
The links you posted were definitely beneficial...I've only managed to have a quick look but have seen some really useful stuff so thank you
I definitely don't want to go down the anti-depressant route...the reason I say that is because I know for definite that this mood is driven by circumstances and I know that it is a result of being more open about circumstances surrounding my dads suicide at counselling rather than just talking about the things that have happened afterwards as a result...I also know its because its Fathers Day this weekend...
I also know I find the counselling thing so hard because from the time I get up in the morning until the time I go to bed I have this constant front where my instant reaction to people asking how I am is that everything is fine and I'm fine...when really I feel like screaming that no I'm not fine and actually nothing feels fine atm...so when I go to counselling its hard to break down that front and be completely honest...although I am being...as much as I can...Also with such massive gaps in between I limit how much I talk about because I fear being left in an emotional state where I feel even worse than I already do...which my current counsellor has already discussed with me...
I know I really shouldn't rant on here...I know that no-one can change my circumstances and I know that once I have a settled routine with counselling that I can be really open/honest, say everything I need to, talk about everything I need to and maybe finally feel like a normal person again...it is just so difficult when things feel so raw and I feel like I'm only ever really allowing myself to grieve when I'm at counselling because I can never really be truly honest in front of anyone else...I don't even know if that makes sense...
I'm scared that all these really overwhelming emotions aren't normal and that my counsellor just tells me they are but thinks that really I'm just mad or that I'm making my situation out to be bigger than it is...
I have always had a fear of being completely open and honest and I have that fear at counselling...I have so much going around in my head that I want to say and know I need to say it but I can't...but I also don't want to post it here as its stuff I've already posted - I just need to say it out loud to make it real...
Going to counselling really impacts on my confidence...I feel completely useless and I feel that I should be able to deal with it and I should be over it by now...
My counsellor talked in my last session about people (which in this case I'm thinking she meant me) trying to make their issues smaller so that they don't seem as significant...thats exactly what I do...I know that I do because she always refers to it as a massive emotional trauma; yet, I don't...I see it as this minor thing that has had an impact far greater than it should; yet, the other part of me is telling me that actually she's right and I have every right to feel how I feel...be it angry, upset, etc...but then there is the whole other part of me that has this fear about being completely open and honest...and I honestly just feel like going to counselling and crying for the whole session to get it out my system but as soon as I go my natural front kicks in and I switch off all emotion...I can talk about it but as if it's happening to someone else...
She also talked a lot about how some of the things I was saying to her, led her to believe that I felt helpless...She's exactly right - I just didn't have a name for it before...that feeling scares me...
I just sound incredibly insane....
I'm having an epic day because I bought comics and am watching Underworld Awakening. Normal 27 year old women don't get excited about extreme violence and comic books...
Grief is extreme, and complex. You'll come through the other side, but this confusion, guilt, blame, anger and helplessness is completely standard.
Instead of telling people the automatic reaction of "I'm fine", is there any way that you can go "nah, not doing to great atm, but I'll get through it"? That way, you're being honest, but you're also not putting too much onus on the other person, as I suspect some of the "I'm fine" reaction is due to a fear of how the other person will react/cope with you not being absolutely fine.
Counselling is likely to *temporarily* leave you in a worse state- especially I found in the immediate aftermath. But, the key word here is temporarily, as this allows your brain to process the emotions and overall should leave you better off. And as Fiend says, on here is the absolute perfect place to rant. You have people here who empathise with what you're going through- we may not have experienced exactly the same (eg both mine and Fiend's parent died from cancer) but we have enough of an idea to empathise and help you through this. Have you looked at joining one of the bereavement forums? I think Cruse may have an online forum, not sure.
Mental health, and complex mental reactions like grief, are unfortunately not given the validity or understanding they deserve by people at large who haven't experienced it themselves, leading to a lot of fear. This leads to a lot of stigma and prejudice over things that are actually as normal as breathing and eating. These emotional reactions you are having are normal, and they do not mean you are crazy.
Even 5.5 years on, I still get the "you should be over this by now" feeling. It's taken me quite a bit of time to go "no, actually, it's okay for you to feel shit like this sometimes. allow yourself to feel bad for a bit, and then get up and go do things." I think the pivotal point was understanding that whilst the feelings around it get better and more manageable, you never do "get over it". You learn how to understand it, to manage it, but there will never be a point where you are like 100% happy that it happened. You're allowed to feel sad over it. It was a sad event. I was on the bus yesterday (Father's day, so I know how that niggles) and there was an old guy on the bus who was obviously an old hippy, and I had a few years cos I looked at the guy and saw how my Dad would have been in ten years time or so.
You are doing really well with this, even if you don't feel like you are. You're putting all of the mechanisms in place to help you through this, and it will be a hard journey, but when you look back in a few years time, you'll realise just how much this experience has changed you for the better, even if it's hard to see that now.
I expect counselling to leave me feeling worse off to begin with...I knew that from the beginning but I guess I struggle with not having a regular slot. The last session was the first time I had talked about his suicide. It wasn't in any great detail, it was mainly focused on one very small aspect but not having another session for another 3 weeks and with the amount of thinking I do in between sessions (which I know is a good thing) means that I now feel lost and "emotionally vulnerable". I guess what I meant previously was that having a regular session once a week would make me feel more comfortable in being a bit more open and talking about everything when I know its only a short space of time between sessions. I guess I don't like ranting/venting on here because...well I don't really know why...I just feel silly for doing it...I did join another forum that was specifically for people that have been bereaved by suicide...it was good to read posts by other people experiencing the same thing but I guess as this is more age appropriate, I feel more "supported" on here and although you lost parents through different circumstances, I still feel like you understand much more than anyone else...
I guess its reassuring to know that my reactions are normal...I guess as normal as they are, I still don't like feeling them though and thats why I find it so hard...I think I struggle a lot with the stigma around mental health as well; as some of the comments I have had when people hear it was suicide shows what little understanding people have.
I guess I know that one day I will have learnt to live with it and will return to my "usual" self but I want that to happen now...without going through everything else first...I know thats a major contributor to why I spent so long in denial...I guess I just don't want to feel all the really overwhelming emotions...especially when I feel like I'm going backwards sometimes.
I am really glad that I gave in and went to counselling because as hard as it is...I can see that it helps and I can see the potential long-term benefits, even if it is hard work to begin with. I am also really glad that I joined this site because that kind of allowed me to start opening up to people that I don't know which helped me with overcoming the fear of going to counselling in the first place and having people that genuinely have an understanding is really comforting at times!!
You're not alone, you're not weird, and this should be a (relatively) short term problem. Reading roo's post, it's hard to believe that it's already been almost 6 years since her dad died.
He was a terrible man, a proper perve, a deeply unnerving person. I remember having a massive crush on a mutual friend of ours, who I will call K, and he knew, he looked at me and KNEW I was gay, and KNEW that I liked K. He asked me what my favourite thing about her was, and being 14/15 I said "Her personality" and he said "but what about those lips?" and I said nothing, stammered something awkward because there was nothing else I could know think about but kissing her. We say that he's been reincarnated as a red kite, that are now very common in the area, and we joke it's only so he can look down ladies tops. He got booted out of heaven for flirting with angels. I miss him too. But all the grief is now fond remembrance of a man who more than anything else understood other people.
Roo's got a bit of that her self, as well as some fantastic knockers.
I guess I just really miss him...I can't remember the last time I saw him genuinely happy, smile or laugh...Thats difficult and at the moment I can't remember anything about him without it making me cry...
I have become more accepting of the fact that it is ok to not be ok and that it might feel like that for a long time.
I guess the only other struggle I have is knowing that I need counselling but not wanting to go...I guess I know I need to talk about what has happened because if I don't then I bottle it up and the last time I did that it had awful consequences. The hard bit is actually doing the talking because talking about it means acknowledging how massive it is and how I really feel and also it means making it very real.
I think I am just my own worst enemy sometimes...
I think one thing our brains does sometimes is surpress all memories related to a bad event, even if they're good ones. It took me a while to remember good things like my Dad and sister visiting me in Spain, us getting drunk and singing in the plaza much to the amusment of the Spaniards. It will come back. One good counselling tool I did in group therapy was just to write about my Dad. I did that thing where you put pen to paper and just let it flow. It started with all the little things I remember about him, one or two word phrases about his cigarettes, guitar playing etc, and then by the end of the four absolutely covered pages it had degenerated into the negative memories about his death, but it was so incredibly useful! I still, at points, cry when I remember things about him. But it's more manageable now.
To me, you really do sound like you are doing 'all the right things' and whilst you may not be in a good place, you're at least conscious enough about that fact and do seem like you're trying to get yourself on the right path out of that place, even if you stray a little. And that is perfectly okay.
It took me about 5 months after my Dad died to properly decide on the counselling. Before then, it wasn't something I wanted to try. I do think it's something you need to want/understand, for it to be effective. I think it would still be good for you to persevere, even if the feelings and immensity of it are scary.
Are you able to look into things that help your emotional wellbeing without being anything specifically talking therapy? I guess I'm refering to something like meditation. Just thought it's another mechanism to make you feel better without perhaps directly bringing it up.
Keep at it, and I'll see if I can't do it again sometime soon.
Counselling isn't something I want to give up (not yet anyway!)...I know that as difficult as it is, it does help. I have been quite honest with my counsellor and have hinted that I won't necessarily talk about things unless she asks because I don't feel comfortable in just saying whatever is going around in my head at the time. It definitely made a difference because in my first session she allowed me to be silent but everytime I went quiet in the following session she asked me another question to get me to talk...I also have recognised its benefits so know that although its emotionally draining and its difficult, I know in the long-term it will be worth it.
I re-joined the gym, which, when I use it in the right way, boosts my mood a little...I also read a lot...I find losing myself in someone else's story is a good way to switch off from the world for a little while.
I've also tried limiting the self-destructive behaviour...replacing emotional pain with physical pain isn't achieving anything and I guess I need to work on the emotional pain rather than ignoring it. I know its easier said than done though so I have a feeling it will be really tough..
I couldn't agree more...sometimes no words are needed...just a hug...
I had about 2 years after my Dad died when it just seemed to be one thing after another. I won't reel them all off, but some were quite major and so they all added up. The reason it feels so extreme and too much to cope with, is because of the grief. I would suspect (though i am in no way qualified to say for sure) that due to the nature of your father's death, your natural grief has spiralled into something that they term 'complicated grief', which is similar in many ways to PTSD, and affects your ability to deal with stress. A CBT therapist explained to my sister how we deal with stress in the terms of a jug with a hole in the bottom. Usually, in non-grief stricken people, the stress flows out of the jug at the same rate that it flows into the jug, and generally remains quite empty even if the in-flow gets a bit greater than the outflow. When you suffer from complicated grief/PTSD, that suffering takes up a large section of the jug, so you don't have as much wiggle room. You reach overstressed much quicker than a non-grief stricken person because the amount of wiggle room is a lot less. Have I explained that clearly enough?! Lol.
I hadn't but I have now...I have come to the conclusion that the subconscious is evil...