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It doesn't make sense. So let yourself feel what you need to feel.
I've been thinking about things a lot today (I really shouldn't do that!) and I am angry with myself because I am disappointed with myself...I am normally really resiliant and whenever something has happened in the past, I have allowed myself to be angry/upset, etc then I view it as a learning curve and move on from it and use the experience to help me cope with other situations or to help me not to make the same mistake again...
This is so different...I don't know how to cope with this...so I don't...I avoid it and choose not to talk about it in counselling even though its the whole reason I'm there. I really feel like I've been brought to my knees and every day is just one massive struggle. I have told my counsellor this. She asked what would be the worst thing that would happen if I did give up and didn't make the choice to get up in the morning and carry on but how do I answer that, when that isn't an option? I know that she probably wanted me to focus on worst case scenario because she wanted to show that it wouldn't be the end of the world but it really isn't an option...I'm not scared of giving up...I just know that giving up would make me feel even worse and would just add to how low I already feel. The only prior experience I have is when a lot of things happened around 6 years ago all at one time and I was consumed with anger...I bottled it up and became really self-destructive and it took a lot of effort to get me back on track (with no help) and to where I am now...I have learnt from that and thats why I go to counselling and come here instead but other than that, I have no experience of learning how to deal with anything else thats happened...
I feel really isolated from my friends...on one hand I feel like they are avoiding me but I know they aren't...I know that they are just really busy too and that I'm just feeling like they are avoiding me because I just feel crap in general...I have made an effort to contact them...I'm not expecting them to as I know they were just being guided by me and how I was feeling...I guess they are all just busy at the moment...One of my friends also moved away this week...I really miss her but those feelings are just lost amongst all the other things going round in my mind....
IME counselling always made me feel a lot worse immediately afterwards. I'd then sit on what had happened in the session, reflect on it, and eventually started to see an improvement. But, it was always worse first. I think it's good that you're reflecting on what happened in the session post-session - even if you feel like what you're recognising is useless and making things worse, the very fact that you are recognising it is allowing your brain to process and eventually start to deal with these feelings. It is never going to be an instant fix-all process, but the very fact that you have recognised that you're avoiding the 'main' issue is a step on the right road. It's a damn rocky and difficult road, but you're on it nonetheless.
My first counselling sessions didn't deal with my father's death directly in any form. I think I remember discussing things like the relationship with my mum, my family issues etc. Being able to see both sides of an issue and feeling is actually quite an advanced form of emotional intelligence, self-awareness and empathy, and I guess the only thing I'd add to that is perhaps "allow" yourself to go 'okay, I can see why he's done it and that's fair enough, but I can also see why it brings up these feelings of anger in me, which is also fair enough."
I think it's quite difficult for us as humans to communicate when we need a bit of 'help' from our friends. I have a few who are really perceptive, and so when I need a boost and call them they immediately pick up on something being wrong, and ask about it. But those kind of people are few and far between (and lucky am I!), so sometimes others need a bit more prompting. When you say you've contacted your friends, have you just done it in a normal, socialising way, or have you said "hey, just need a bit of emotional support/ distraction/ general fun, would you be able to come shopping/ for a drink/ for a rave with me sometime soon?"
Thank you...I really appreciate it because sometimes that is all I need...
Hi queenmab_roo
Thank you for responding also...it was nice to hear about someone else's experience of counselling so I can kind of see that what I have experienced is fairly "normal".
It doesn't make me feel worse after...I kind of feel like a massive weight has been lifted because I walk away thinking I left it all in her office and I don't have to think about it anymore but then that only lasts for a few hours and then I start to feel worse..a lot worse.
I managed to get hold of one of my friends and we now have plans to go out on Friday night - When I text, I apologised for not being in contact, said I missed her and that I needed a social life again...
This is completely random but I need to say this before it eats away at me...
I feel like I have now let go of the anger I was feeling towards my Auntie and her actions...now I'm just angry with myself. I'm angry with myself because I am disappointed in myself...I am disappointed in myself for not dealing with this like anything else. I feel like a failure. I have very high expectations of myself and I'm not fulfilling them...I feel like I'm wasting my counsellor's time because she could be helping someone that really needs help...I read other posts on here from others that sound in genuine despair...these are the people she should be helping...not me. They are the people with real problems, not me....
I am angry with myself for not allowing myself to grieve when I know it is what I really need to do but thats conflicting with my anger that I have towards myself for feeling like I'm not coping and that I have let myself down by asking for help...I don't feel I deserve that help...
I am angry with myself for allowing myself to have suicidal thoughts...why should I feel suicidal when there are 1000's of people out there that would do anything to survive an illness...what makes my life so unbearable that I should feel suicidal. On the other hand, I feel bloody dreadful - I feel angry, depressed, upset or completely numb all of the time and I really can't just "snap out of it" like people think I should...I really wish I could...I am just useless/helpless/hopeless. Feeling suicidal frightens me because it makes me realise how low I feel. I know I would never do anything but I still don't like having those kind of thoughts...
I am really sorry for the rant...I know there are people on here who genuinely deserve your time, help and support...I really appreciate all the support and understanding you have given me though...
Did you manage to get any decent sleep in the end? I got to a point about a year after my Dad died where I got the Docs to provide me with some sleeping pills. It was only a temporary measure for about a week, but it just let me stabilise myself and get some decent sleep. A lack of sleep won't help you process your emotions, and so it could be worth you getting some medication for this.
Are you getting enough physical exercise and activity? That could also help. I hope you're looking forward to your plans with your friend tonight.
As Fiend says, you are one of the people who genuinely deserve our time. There will always be people better off than you, and there will always be people worse off than you, but that doesn't mean that what you're dealing with is any less deserving of time, help and support. It is all relative to the person - and what you're feeling is genuine.
I don't know if I've mentioned this on here before, but there was one morning a few months after my Dad died where I literally could not get myself out of bed. Which really scared me - it's not like me at all, I've always had a very positive, can-do outlook. I have at times felt angry at myself, wishing i could snap out of it, though I don't think I've ever really experienced it to the extent that you seem to be talking about here. I know I keep going on about it, but 'allowing' myself to have the bad days, to feel rubbish, and also having really good friends like Fiend and a couple of other people I know whose parents have died who could turn around and go "yeah, it's shit mate, always will be" allowed me to work through the feelings. I still get bad days years on, but I know they'll pass and so I'm "okay" with them.
I know you've mentioned in the past you like swimming - give it a go. It's great for knackering muscles, and tired muscles will often help pull you into a much better sleep that a tired mind.
I started running again but it doesn't make much difference...
This sounds ridiculous but I've got to a stage where I get angry with myself just for feeling angry in the first place...even typing it sounds stupid.
I eventually got through to Cruse today and they were so lovely I just wanted to cry down the phone...hopefully my local team will contact me soon to arrange counselling as I only have one session left at uni and the NHS team left my sister feeling more traumatised than before she went so I am trying to avoid going to see them!!
I know that if I sit and talk through all this anger it will make me feel better...it's just the waiting for the next session that is difficult...
I have my last counselling session at uni next Tuesday. Unless by some miracle they open over the summer which I have already been told is really unlikely I am screwed.
I have just had a call from Cruse and they have told me it is a minimum waiting list of 2 months...
I still have an initial assessment booked with the NHS service but they told my sister to go to Cruse and refused to help her and left her feeling more traumatised than before she went so I don't hold out much hope...
I can't afford to pay for it...
I've run out of options...no wonder the suicide rates are so high in this stupid country.
On top of that...I feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis 20 years too early.... :banghead:
I don't really know...I guess I feel like I'm literally on my own after Tues and I don't know how I'll cope....
I'm literally turning into an emotional wreck...
And obviously, we're all still here.
I really don't know how to handle the appt at the NHS...
I know this sounds stupid but I don't like going back to the doctors...I have had lots of bad experiences with them so I dread going...I feel like if I told them the truth about how I've really been feeling they will think I'm a risk and have me hospitalised or will put me on anti depressants...
I feel so crap...and I hate myself for ranting on here about how crap I feel...I don't deserve to rant when there are worst things happening in the world...maybe I would be doing everyone a favour if I just ended it all.
You can change your GP if you don't get on with them?
I hate feeling like this...
But you can also take comfort in the fact that you have done it once, and been successful. Keep asking for help, eventually you'll get it.
As for in between...I don't know what to do as I don't want to go to someone else temporarily...
I rejoined the gym today...I have recognised that I do self destructive things because dealing with the physical pain is easier than the emotional pain...so I refuse to
leave the gym until it hurts. At least I'll be getting fit and losing some more weight; rather than just punching walls...
I guess I'll deal with the emotional pain when I find a longer term counsellor...
How are things going for you now? Is the gym helping?
The gym is just allowing me to do more self-destructive things but at least I'm getting fit...
In all honesty, I feel like crap right now and I just feel like I'm spiralling into this really horrible emotional state but I guess thats just my norm now...That isn't meant in a self-pity kinda way...thats the last thing I want...its just the truth...
Remember, if you can hold on, you'll be alright again.
What's the point when the one thing I want I can't have...
What's the point when whatever I do is wrong or is never good enough...
I know it's all my fault and I know that my dads suicide is the consequence of getting it so very wrong and I know I deserve to be punished which is why I do self destructive things...but there comes a point when I should just do everyone a favour and commit suicide too...but I
don't deserve a way out...I deserve to be punished...
Your dad's actions were solely a result of him being unwell - in just the same way that a terminal brain tumour will go on to kill it's carrier. There's nothing you could have done to change what would have happened eventually.
Blaming yourself is the easy option, you're by far the easiest person to pin the blame on, and it helps you feel if you can at least feel guilt but that doesn't mean it's the way to go. You don't deserve to be punished, but working this one out in your own head is going to take a long time and isn't going to be an easy journey.
Keep talking, keep sharing. I'm glad that you're now on the waiting list and I'm glad that the uni service have got a couple more appointments for you.
Even if I couldn't have stopped it, I could have done more to help...
I really hate him at the moment. I hate him and I hate myself for hating him...
I'm so confused and angry and I just feel completely worthless/useless/helpless.