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Sorry...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
...for disappearing and not being very helpful to anyone else...I removed myself from the internet for a while with the hope that things would look up...they just get worse...I don't expect anyone to read or reply to my following rant but I need to vent, so here goes:

I went to my first counselling session at the beginning of the week...it was not a proper session, more of an assessment...I was very nervous as I didn't really know what to expect. After spending weeks of not wanting to talk about what has happened and finding it difficult to talk to someone I don't know, I put up a front for most of the session. I left feeling ten times worse because we had discussed events leading up to my Dad's suicide and how he died. Now I want to talk..but I have been put back on a waiting list to start proper sessions; however, they close over the holidays so I am unlikely to be seen this side of summer. I have been given the contact details for two other counselling services but I have had no response from phoning and emailing them...feeling very stressed as I know it is something I need to help me get through this. It took a lot for me to ask for help...now I need it, I can't seem to get it but I can't afford to go private?

I've had a really pressurised week at work...normally I love the pressure as I love the challenge and responsibility...now it just overwhelms me. I don't know how to find the balance anymore?

I have also had a number of family issues...some I would rather not go into but one massive issue is an argument that has spiralled between myself and an auntie. She told my mum the day after my dad's funeral that basically she thought I was a "hard-faced b***h" because I didn't cry...I didn't cry because I was staying strong and in control for everyone else. She then completely ignored me at my Grandad's funeral...the next day was my Dad's inquest which she chose to go to and talked to us like nothing had happened the previous day at the funeral. I wasn't rude, I just chose not to enter into any conversation with her because I didn't want to argue. After the inquest when my mum was already hysterical and traumatised she took my mum off to a room and interrogated her...being the sort of person I am I wanted to protect my mum so I lost it and told her in no uncertain terms she was way out of line. I have had no real contact with her since but she has spoken to my mum on the odd occasion. That is until two days ago when I found that she had posted what she believed to be the events leading up to my dad's suicide on facebook. Her profile can be viewed by anyone (not just friends). I was angry - actually I was livid. What she had written was not only insulting and inappropriate, it was also very untrue. Regardless of how I felt, I calmly and politely asked her to remove the comments as they were unjustified. She refused. She then sent me an abusive text message a few hours later. Again, I was livid but refused to respond. I am very angry with her for bringing my mum into the argument that was between me and her and for accusing my mum of being responsible for pushing my dad into suicide. I felt guilty for quite a while but have since had to learn that he was ill and now that is something entirely different I have to get my head around.

We scattered my Dad's ashes today. It wasn't what I was expecting...it was very quick...and very final. We didn't really treat it with the respect it deserved because I think we all wanted it over and done with as soon as possible. I really miss him...but not in the same way as I did before. It is hard to explain but I guess the reality has really hit home since that counselling session and today just added to it. Missing him still hurts today like it did when it first happened 14 weeks ago...I just wish it got easier a lot quicker...not that I helped myself by trying to avoid facing it for so long.

Sorry for the massively long rant and thank you for reading...It all just needed to come out...
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Whitelillies:wave:,

    I am glad it helps for you to come onto the site and post .:).

    I am sorry that you felt worse after your counselling session, it can be very tough to open up and talk about things and can take a while for you to feel the full benefit of these sessions so it is unfortunate that you have been put back onto the waiting list. I would pursue the other counselling services that you have been given the contact details for and although you have been unable to contact them keep trying or maybe research and try an find an alternative way of contacting them.

    If you are feeling pressured at work is there anyone, perhaps a supervisor or manager you could speak too ?, explain the way you are feeling and be open with them that you are feeling a little stressed at this time.

    It sounds like you have so much going on with all of the family issues that you have talked about, you have had a lot of very upsetting things to deal with recently with the loss of your dad and your Grandad. Do you think it would help to maybe try and speak to your auntie, just you and her to try and talk things over ?, Maybe meet somewhere neutral to try and let her know the way you are feeling, when people are grieving they can act in a way that is upsetting and distressing towards others as everyone deals with things differently due to so many different emotions associated with grief.

    I hope that things start to feel a little bit better for you soon and that you carry on posting at The Site to let us know how things are going for you. I hope that this has been helpful.

    I have added a link to the Cruse Bereavement Care website for you to have a look at and browse through too.

    Take Care,
    B*hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just wanted to say one short thing. I didn't cry at my mum's funeral. Your auntie is full of shit.

    Also, I'm glad you're ok.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There's no criticism in not crying. I'm not saying you're the weaker person for not crying, but for some people it's actually easier to put on the brave front than to show what they feel to be weakness by crying in public.

    Your aunty is likely upset, and doing that wonderful family thing by taking her hurt out on others to try and make herself feel better.

    Do Cruse have anything in your area? They don't close for the holidays.

    Remember, any time you want someone to talk to the Samaritans are always on the phone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My manager is aware that I am struggling but it wasn't until after and I had already been pushed to the limit...I am now on a week's leave which gives me time to sort out counselling and have a break but I know as soon as I go back it will be the same all over again..I think maybe I should sit down and discuss going forward that I need the pressure taken off me until things are sorted...

    After our first massive argument, she agreed to leave us alone to grieve in the way we wanted which was by ourselves. I had since text her ... not to apologise but to show that I was willing to forget it and move on. She responded in a sarcastic and childish way so I left it. It's only now that she's posted all the crap on the internet and sending me abusive messages that has brought us to this point. I text her today informing her that if she continued with the slanderous comments, I would take legal advice and that I understand she is grieving and looking for someone to blame but maybe she should be blaming the mental illness that he was suffering from. Again, it was done in a calm and polite way but I still got my point across. She has caused family arguments in the past and she doesn't let them go...she fell out with her own sister for 14 years over something trivial so I don't know if we will ever be on talking terms again. After everything that has happened, I am more than happy to try and resolve it because life is to short but she has to be willing to do the same.

    Cruse was one of the counselling services uni suggested that I can't get hold of. I think I will try again Monday and if I don't have any luck with them or the other one, I will have to be referred via my GP...

    I'm glad it wasn't just me that didn't cry at the funeral...she made me feel that I was out of order for not crying and that it must of meant I didn't care. I didn't cry because I knew if I fell apart my mum wouldn't cope - so I did it for her sake. I wanted to make the day as easy as possible for her...

    So much has happened in the past 14 weeks that I'm surprised I've coped this long...I just wish things would calm down.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Most counselling services and organisations work normal office hours Monday - Friday so you'll need to give them a reasonable chance.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi whitelillies,

    How are you feeling this evening ? You should take the weeks holiday you have at work to reflect on everything you are feeling at the moment and give yourself some space, switch off completely from any work issues and really enjoy some time to yourself.

    Cruse offer a really great service and it has been unfortunate that you have been unable to contact them as yet regarding your counselling, do pursue this and I'm sure you will get a response from them shortly.

    I am sorry to hear that things are still quite fraught with your auntie, I'm sure in time things will work out but like you say your auntie has got to be willing to move on and try and resolve things too, this must be very difficult for you with everything else that you have got going on at the moment.*hug*

    I'm sure things will start to feel a lot better for you soon and good luck with the counselling, please let us know how you get on with Cruse.

    Take Care,
    B.:thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel really anxious and stressed about everything that has been said. I have so much pent up anger that I don't know how to let go of it in the right way. I just wish she would leave us alone. I have spent most of this evening fighting the feeling of just wanting to put an end to everything. I'm not the type of person to give up but there is only a certain amount I can cope with. I keep thinking that if I wasn't here anymore then maybe she would leave my family alone. I know I can't think like that and I know I have to keep going but I just don't know how anymore. There is so much more going on with my family that I can't post about and I just want it to all go away. I feel like I've literally hit rockbottom and no-one realises how much I'm struggling. I wish that I could have things back the way they were before. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until this nightmare is over.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why can't you post about the other things?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just don't feel comfortable posting about everything that's happened and some things don't involve me directly (even though they have impacted on me) so I don't feel right posting about it...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's fine, but we're happy to try if you change your mind.
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    I feel like I've literally hit rockbottom and no-one realises how much I'm struggling.

    *hug* people often respond with platitudes (trite comments) when things are so tough because they don't know what to say. The words: "you'll be better soon, don't worry" often means "I care about you and really want you to feel better." It doesn't tend to help with the sense of feeling so shit right now though and can undermine just how hard everything feels. Especially if you're feeling like things can't possibly ever be fine.

    Hitting rock bottom can feel like the end, but sometimes people are only able to rise up again after feeling that low. Yet this isn't something you can be expected to do alone which is why people are emphasising things like Samaritans and Cruse in this thread. Often people take a lot of satisfaction from accessing these kinds of services for themselves and being able find new strength away from family and friends who it feels like don't understand or do but don't have the energy or know-how to support you. Accessing these services can help you to build a sense of independence and find more ways of coping when things really are that bad.

    In terms of your Auntie, do you think it's possible that she's got a lot of pent up anger too and isn't able to see how much of a negative impact her behaviour is having on you? Sometimes if we're able to explain to ourselves why someone is responding how they are, then we can recognise we've done our best to ease a situation, but that it's also quite likely out of our hands. You've done all the right things in terms of appeasing her and it's good to be aware that beyond this, there's a chance you might be taking on her grief as well as your own. Does it sometimes feel like this is the case?

    As Fiend says, we're hear to listen to even the most difficult things and so if you do feel that holding in all the stuff about your family is doing more harm than good, don't hesitate to let it out.

    H x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think I have already begun to adopt the mindset that I can't possibly feel any worse than I do at the moment, so things can only get better...Samaritans have been a lifeline on occasions so I know I have that option.

    I still can't get hold of anyone at Cruse (the local one to me) and the other counselling service I was given information for, told me that they don't offer bereavement counselling so soon after a death. I have made a doctor's appointment to ask to be referred to their counselling service. It took a lot for me to ask for help from the uni counselling service so I just feel let down and it's going to be difficult to have the same conversation with my GP...

    Maybe I'm wrong, but I honestly believe my Auntie's doing it on purpose. She knows the effect it will have. She knows that making slanderous comments about my mum will really annoy me and regardless of whether or not she really believes what she is writing, I know that it isn't to get at my mum because she would of said it to her directly if it was. She's purposely texting my phone and using facebook because she knows that my mum would only find out if I told her and she doesn't think I would tell her because she knows I know it would cause more upset. She obviously doesn't know me very well though as I have told her - that's how we are as a family.

    I refuse to stoop to her level and thats why my responses have been calm and polite. However, knowing that she is probably more annoyed by my response than if I had ranted and raved back at her, I am aware that things are likely to continue to escalate. I have print screens of facebook, I have kept the text messages and I have contacted my Dad's work for confirmation of where he was on certain dates, so I have enough proof to show that she's lying and if it continues I really will take legal action against her. As I said to her, I fully appreciate she's grieving and wants someone to blame, but as you've said, I do feel like I'm taking on her grief as well because she's making me more angry than I already was. Also, being the sounding board for my mum means it is difficult trying to separate their grief from my own.

    Having had a couple of days of not hearing from her, I have calmed down a lot but I guess I feel anxious waiting for whatever she's going to do next. I know most of my family are on my side and having their support has helped massively but I don't want to drag them into it because they have enough of their own issues to deal with...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I tried to type a response to this yesterday, but couldn't find the words to express it properly. Helen, however, has hit the nail right on the head. She says some very good things there.

    I hit rock bottom, about 4-5 months after my Dad died. I'd done so well, strong for everyone else, keeping things going, back to uni for final year etc. Then one morning I couldn't face getting out of bed, and literally crawled to my friend's room. That's not like me, I've never been someone who can't get up and go for things. But it pushed me to access the counselling service offered by uni, and I had a similar emergency assessment as to what you did. I had to wait a short while for counselling after that, but not too long. Does your service definitely close over the summer holidays? Mine stayed open to support the postgraduate students to some extent.

    Have you thought about opening up a private blog/journal? If you feel like this place is too public, having a journal but perhaps somewhere where you can interact and discuss it on a more private level may help. Please don't be afraid to post anything on here though- we are all willing to help and listen.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hit rock bottom, about 4-5 months after my Dad died. I'd done so well, strong for everyone else, keeping things going, back to uni for final year etc. Then one morning I couldn't face getting out of bed.

    I can relate to that...the main reasons I registered with the uni counselling service was because one of the most simplest things at work resulted in me having a panic attack and just having suicidal thoughts made me realise I needed help. I never give up and admitting I needed help was tough.

    They told me at my assessment that they closed until the new academic year and that if they could see me before the end of summer term, it was only likely to be for 1-2 sessions...that was why they informed me of the alternatives.

    I hadn't considered a blog...It isn't that, that this is too public...I don't know, I just don't really want to write about it at the moment...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Things can be as anonymous as you like on the internet. Public is meaningless if no-one knows who you are.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know but I feel that I can only process so much at any one time and actually writing about everything means processing everything...My GP told me she would refer me to counselling today though so things are looking up maybe??
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah. NHS counselling should be helpful. they don't close during the summer. Does your local health authority do a crisis team service just in case?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend is right that NHS counselling doesn't close for as long over summer as the uni is likely to. It is worth saying, though, that I don't think you should be asking specifically for bereavement counselling because it sounds like there is more going on, and they need to be aware of that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know about a crisis team but I did get a call from uni today to say they could offer me a weekly appt as of next week until they close which should cover the waiting time for the other counselling service.

    I didn't really get a chance to say a lot if I'm honest. I explained that both my Dad and Grandad passed away and when I told her my Dad committed suicide she wanted to know the details and whether there was a family history of mental health issues...All the other problems have arisen as a result of their deaths... :confused: They also seem to have calmed down a little now, so hopefully I can move on from it and try and deal with the grief I've been avoiding for the past 3.5 months!?!

    I just wish grief wasn't so exhausting...I know that it's considered normal to be "up and down" all the time but I hate feeling like I have no control whatsoever...I guess the realisation that nothing is certain and that you never know what is going to happen tomorrow makes me feel like I've lost all sense of purpose and I've lost trust in everything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Arghh I am so angry today. I don't know why - I just am. I'm angry with my Dad, I'm angry with the world and I'm angry at myself. I am doing stupid destructive things that I know I need to stop but can't because it's the one thing I can control...but now I've realised I've lost control of that too so that makes me even angrier. I have always had an unhealthy thing with food. I binge eat then I spend ages losing the weight again. I've put on half a stone since February which isn't much seeing as I lost 6 stone and had maintained it for the 8 months up until my Dads death. I've stopped putting weight on now which is good - I am angry because I know it won't come off as easily. I feel like starving myself because I know that will make me feel in control. But I know that's not healthy either so I've started back on WeightWatchers just to lose that half a stone but I still don't feel like im in control. I hate feeling like this. I dont want to live like this :-(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There's not a lot to be said that will be of comfort. But I'm glad you're coming back to talk to us. The things that you're feeling are normal, and you're doing sensible things to stop yourself from doing something silly out of grief.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's reassuring to know it's normal. Now I'm just overwhelmingly upset. Seeing all the things he will miss out on - my graduation is one that's playing on my mind atm...he always supported my education and I can't believe he won't be part of it. I really miss him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I still wonder about my mum. If she'd be proud of me. There are so many things she's missed. But we (my family) are ok without her now. We miss her, but it's ok.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know how to be ok without him...I don't even know how to accept that he isn't here anymore so I don't know how to learn to adapt without him. I am dreading going to counselling on Tues. I don't want to spend the whole session ranting and/or crying but thats how I feel. I don't know how honest I can be before they break confidentiality? Avoiding how I was feeling was much easier than this....but now I've let it hit me and the reality is slowly sinking in, I can't ignore it anymore. I don't know how to learn to live with this....I don't know where the past 4 months have gone but at the same time, it has felt like the longest 4 months of my life...I know no-one can really tell how long this lasts but I wish I knew because this just feels like it's going to go on forever...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    All I can tell you is that it doesn't go on forever. And if all you do is rant and cry in counselling that's fine, it's what it's for. Let us know how tomorrow goes k?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How did the counselling session go, WhiteLillies?

    Fiend has made some good points here. Keep posting, we're always here listening.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It went better than last time...I told myself to just be as honest as I could be...I feel absolutely drained but I felt better for just offloading some of the anger I was feeling...I feel like I clicked with her better today but I only have one session left with her before I have to see someone else so going to have to start all over again soon....

    I don't really know how I feel at the moment...I know I don't feel as angry as I did before...but a lot of what we talked about is still going around in my head and I talked a lot about the things I didn't want to post on here so I have put a lot of that into perspective now...

    Hopefully it can only get easier....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's great that you went. Well done buddy, and good job for being honest.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Whitelillies,:wave:

    How are you feeling this evening ? I'm glad to hear that the counselling went well today and that you feel much better for offloading. You say that you are feeling very drained after the session, this is a very natural reaction and you will have spoke about things that are very sensitive, it can be quite upsetting initially but as you have acknowledged this is all part of the process. It sounds like you are being really open and honest and are taking a very positive approach to your counselling sessions, this is good to hear and you should be very proud of yourself for taking these big steps.

    Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.*hug*

    Take care,
    B:thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was reflecting on yesterday and I feel really confused...both sessions I have completely avoided the real reason I am there and just talked through things that have happened as a result of my Dad's suicide...although thats a good thing because they needed to be said and I needed to put them into perspective...I know I am purposely not talking about the real issue because I know that talking about it means acknowledging that it is real and that means dealing with how I feel about it.

    I'm still angry - but for different reasons now...I am angry that everyone always talks about how it's impacted on my mum and how I need to support her...I just feel like saying "What about me?" - I know that's selfish...I just feel she has all these people around that want to help but she chooses to use me as her sounding board. I guess I feel like I am taking on her grief as well as my own.

    At my session, she commented on how I am good at putting on a front to people to make them think I am fine, which is true...but I don't know what else I am supposed to do? They don't understand my situation and I am glad they don't because it means they haven't been in this situation but its frustrating.

    She kept asking who else I was angry at other than myself and my Auntie...I know she was expecting me to say my Dad but I don't know if I am...How can I be angry with someone when I can understand the type of pain he must of been in to do what he did. I used to think suicide was selfish but how can it be? I don't think he did it to hurt us...he did it to end his own pain and I can understand that...but that understanding I have, frightens me....
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