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Sorry...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
...for disappearing and not being very helpful to anyone else...I removed myself from the internet for a while with the hope that things would look up...they just get worse...I don't expect anyone to read or reply to my following rant but I need to vent, so here goes:
I went to my first counselling session at the beginning of the week...it was not a proper session, more of an assessment...I was very nervous as I didn't really know what to expect. After spending weeks of not wanting to talk about what has happened and finding it difficult to talk to someone I don't know, I put up a front for most of the session. I left feeling ten times worse because we had discussed events leading up to my Dad's suicide and how he died. Now I want to talk..but I have been put back on a waiting list to start proper sessions; however, they close over the holidays so I am unlikely to be seen this side of summer. I have been given the contact details for two other counselling services but I have had no response from phoning and emailing them...feeling very stressed as I know it is something I need to help me get through this. It took a lot for me to ask for help...now I need it, I can't seem to get it but I can't afford to go private?
I've had a really pressurised week at work...normally I love the pressure as I love the challenge and responsibility...now it just overwhelms me. I don't know how to find the balance anymore?
I have also had a number of family issues...some I would rather not go into but one massive issue is an argument that has spiralled between myself and an auntie. She told my mum the day after my dad's funeral that basically she thought I was a "hard-faced b***h" because I didn't cry...I didn't cry because I was staying strong and in control for everyone else. She then completely ignored me at my Grandad's funeral...the next day was my Dad's inquest which she chose to go to and talked to us like nothing had happened the previous day at the funeral. I wasn't rude, I just chose not to enter into any conversation with her because I didn't want to argue. After the inquest when my mum was already hysterical and traumatised she took my mum off to a room and interrogated her...being the sort of person I am I wanted to protect my mum so I lost it and told her in no uncertain terms she was way out of line. I have had no real contact with her since but she has spoken to my mum on the odd occasion. That is until two days ago when I found that she had posted what she believed to be the events leading up to my dad's suicide on facebook. Her profile can be viewed by anyone (not just friends). I was angry - actually I was livid. What she had written was not only insulting and inappropriate, it was also very untrue. Regardless of how I felt, I calmly and politely asked her to remove the comments as they were unjustified. She refused. She then sent me an abusive text message a few hours later. Again, I was livid but refused to respond. I am very angry with her for bringing my mum into the argument that was between me and her and for accusing my mum of being responsible for pushing my dad into suicide. I felt guilty for quite a while but have since had to learn that he was ill and now that is something entirely different I have to get my head around.
We scattered my Dad's ashes today. It wasn't what I was expecting...it was very quick...and very final. We didn't really treat it with the respect it deserved because I think we all wanted it over and done with as soon as possible. I really miss him...but not in the same way as I did before. It is hard to explain but I guess the reality has really hit home since that counselling session and today just added to it. Missing him still hurts today like it did when it first happened 14 weeks ago...I just wish it got easier a lot quicker...not that I helped myself by trying to avoid facing it for so long.
Sorry for the massively long rant and thank you for reading...It all just needed to come out...
I went to my first counselling session at the beginning of the week...it was not a proper session, more of an assessment...I was very nervous as I didn't really know what to expect. After spending weeks of not wanting to talk about what has happened and finding it difficult to talk to someone I don't know, I put up a front for most of the session. I left feeling ten times worse because we had discussed events leading up to my Dad's suicide and how he died. Now I want to talk..but I have been put back on a waiting list to start proper sessions; however, they close over the holidays so I am unlikely to be seen this side of summer. I have been given the contact details for two other counselling services but I have had no response from phoning and emailing them...feeling very stressed as I know it is something I need to help me get through this. It took a lot for me to ask for help...now I need it, I can't seem to get it but I can't afford to go private?
I've had a really pressurised week at work...normally I love the pressure as I love the challenge and responsibility...now it just overwhelms me. I don't know how to find the balance anymore?
I have also had a number of family issues...some I would rather not go into but one massive issue is an argument that has spiralled between myself and an auntie. She told my mum the day after my dad's funeral that basically she thought I was a "hard-faced b***h" because I didn't cry...I didn't cry because I was staying strong and in control for everyone else. She then completely ignored me at my Grandad's funeral...the next day was my Dad's inquest which she chose to go to and talked to us like nothing had happened the previous day at the funeral. I wasn't rude, I just chose not to enter into any conversation with her because I didn't want to argue. After the inquest when my mum was already hysterical and traumatised she took my mum off to a room and interrogated her...being the sort of person I am I wanted to protect my mum so I lost it and told her in no uncertain terms she was way out of line. I have had no real contact with her since but she has spoken to my mum on the odd occasion. That is until two days ago when I found that she had posted what she believed to be the events leading up to my dad's suicide on facebook. Her profile can be viewed by anyone (not just friends). I was angry - actually I was livid. What she had written was not only insulting and inappropriate, it was also very untrue. Regardless of how I felt, I calmly and politely asked her to remove the comments as they were unjustified. She refused. She then sent me an abusive text message a few hours later. Again, I was livid but refused to respond. I am very angry with her for bringing my mum into the argument that was between me and her and for accusing my mum of being responsible for pushing my dad into suicide. I felt guilty for quite a while but have since had to learn that he was ill and now that is something entirely different I have to get my head around.
We scattered my Dad's ashes today. It wasn't what I was expecting...it was very quick...and very final. We didn't really treat it with the respect it deserved because I think we all wanted it over and done with as soon as possible. I really miss him...but not in the same way as I did before. It is hard to explain but I guess the reality has really hit home since that counselling session and today just added to it. Missing him still hurts today like it did when it first happened 14 weeks ago...I just wish it got easier a lot quicker...not that I helped myself by trying to avoid facing it for so long.
Sorry for the massively long rant and thank you for reading...It all just needed to come out...
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Comments
I am glad it helps for you to come onto the site and post .:).
I am sorry that you felt worse after your counselling session, it can be very tough to open up and talk about things and can take a while for you to feel the full benefit of these sessions so it is unfortunate that you have been put back onto the waiting list. I would pursue the other counselling services that you have been given the contact details for and although you have been unable to contact them keep trying or maybe research and try an find an alternative way of contacting them.
If you are feeling pressured at work is there anyone, perhaps a supervisor or manager you could speak too ?, explain the way you are feeling and be open with them that you are feeling a little stressed at this time.
It sounds like you have so much going on with all of the family issues that you have talked about, you have had a lot of very upsetting things to deal with recently with the loss of your dad and your Grandad. Do you think it would help to maybe try and speak to your auntie, just you and her to try and talk things over ?, Maybe meet somewhere neutral to try and let her know the way you are feeling, when people are grieving they can act in a way that is upsetting and distressing towards others as everyone deals with things differently due to so many different emotions associated with grief.
I hope that things start to feel a little bit better for you soon and that you carry on posting at The Site to let us know how things are going for you. I hope that this has been helpful.
I have added a link to the Cruse Bereavement Care website for you to have a look at and browse through too.
Take Care,
B*hug*
Also, I'm glad you're ok.
Your aunty is likely upset, and doing that wonderful family thing by taking her hurt out on others to try and make herself feel better.
Do Cruse have anything in your area? They don't close for the holidays.
Remember, any time you want someone to talk to the Samaritans are always on the phone.
After our first massive argument, she agreed to leave us alone to grieve in the way we wanted which was by ourselves. I had since text her ... not to apologise but to show that I was willing to forget it and move on. She responded in a sarcastic and childish way so I left it. It's only now that she's posted all the crap on the internet and sending me abusive messages that has brought us to this point. I text her today informing her that if she continued with the slanderous comments, I would take legal advice and that I understand she is grieving and looking for someone to blame but maybe she should be blaming the mental illness that he was suffering from. Again, it was done in a calm and polite way but I still got my point across. She has caused family arguments in the past and she doesn't let them go...she fell out with her own sister for 14 years over something trivial so I don't know if we will ever be on talking terms again. After everything that has happened, I am more than happy to try and resolve it because life is to short but she has to be willing to do the same.
Cruse was one of the counselling services uni suggested that I can't get hold of. I think I will try again Monday and if I don't have any luck with them or the other one, I will have to be referred via my GP...
I'm glad it wasn't just me that didn't cry at the funeral...she made me feel that I was out of order for not crying and that it must of meant I didn't care. I didn't cry because I knew if I fell apart my mum wouldn't cope - so I did it for her sake. I wanted to make the day as easy as possible for her...
So much has happened in the past 14 weeks that I'm surprised I've coped this long...I just wish things would calm down.
How are you feeling this evening ? You should take the weeks holiday you have at work to reflect on everything you are feeling at the moment and give yourself some space, switch off completely from any work issues and really enjoy some time to yourself.
Cruse offer a really great service and it has been unfortunate that you have been unable to contact them as yet regarding your counselling, do pursue this and I'm sure you will get a response from them shortly.
I am sorry to hear that things are still quite fraught with your auntie, I'm sure in time things will work out but like you say your auntie has got to be willing to move on and try and resolve things too, this must be very difficult for you with everything else that you have got going on at the moment.*hug*
I'm sure things will start to feel a lot better for you soon and good luck with the counselling, please let us know how you get on with Cruse.
Take Care,
B.:thumb:
*hug* people often respond with platitudes (trite comments) when things are so tough because they don't know what to say. The words: "you'll be better soon, don't worry" often means "I care about you and really want you to feel better." It doesn't tend to help with the sense of feeling so shit right now though and can undermine just how hard everything feels. Especially if you're feeling like things can't possibly ever be fine.
Hitting rock bottom can feel like the end, but sometimes people are only able to rise up again after feeling that low. Yet this isn't something you can be expected to do alone which is why people are emphasising things like Samaritans and Cruse in this thread. Often people take a lot of satisfaction from accessing these kinds of services for themselves and being able find new strength away from family and friends who it feels like don't understand or do but don't have the energy or know-how to support you. Accessing these services can help you to build a sense of independence and find more ways of coping when things really are that bad.
In terms of your Auntie, do you think it's possible that she's got a lot of pent up anger too and isn't able to see how much of a negative impact her behaviour is having on you? Sometimes if we're able to explain to ourselves why someone is responding how they are, then we can recognise we've done our best to ease a situation, but that it's also quite likely out of our hands. You've done all the right things in terms of appeasing her and it's good to be aware that beyond this, there's a chance you might be taking on her grief as well as your own. Does it sometimes feel like this is the case?
As Fiend says, we're hear to listen to even the most difficult things and so if you do feel that holding in all the stuff about your family is doing more harm than good, don't hesitate to let it out.
H x
I still can't get hold of anyone at Cruse (the local one to me) and the other counselling service I was given information for, told me that they don't offer bereavement counselling so soon after a death. I have made a doctor's appointment to ask to be referred to their counselling service. It took a lot for me to ask for help from the uni counselling service so I just feel let down and it's going to be difficult to have the same conversation with my GP...
Maybe I'm wrong, but I honestly believe my Auntie's doing it on purpose. She knows the effect it will have. She knows that making slanderous comments about my mum will really annoy me and regardless of whether or not she really believes what she is writing, I know that it isn't to get at my mum because she would of said it to her directly if it was. She's purposely texting my phone and using facebook because she knows that my mum would only find out if I told her and she doesn't think I would tell her because she knows I know it would cause more upset. She obviously doesn't know me very well though as I have told her - that's how we are as a family.
I refuse to stoop to her level and thats why my responses have been calm and polite. However, knowing that she is probably more annoyed by my response than if I had ranted and raved back at her, I am aware that things are likely to continue to escalate. I have print screens of facebook, I have kept the text messages and I have contacted my Dad's work for confirmation of where he was on certain dates, so I have enough proof to show that she's lying and if it continues I really will take legal action against her. As I said to her, I fully appreciate she's grieving and wants someone to blame, but as you've said, I do feel like I'm taking on her grief as well because she's making me more angry than I already was. Also, being the sounding board for my mum means it is difficult trying to separate their grief from my own.
Having had a couple of days of not hearing from her, I have calmed down a lot but I guess I feel anxious waiting for whatever she's going to do next. I know most of my family are on my side and having their support has helped massively but I don't want to drag them into it because they have enough of their own issues to deal with...
I hit rock bottom, about 4-5 months after my Dad died. I'd done so well, strong for everyone else, keeping things going, back to uni for final year etc. Then one morning I couldn't face getting out of bed, and literally crawled to my friend's room. That's not like me, I've never been someone who can't get up and go for things. But it pushed me to access the counselling service offered by uni, and I had a similar emergency assessment as to what you did. I had to wait a short while for counselling after that, but not too long. Does your service definitely close over the summer holidays? Mine stayed open to support the postgraduate students to some extent.
Have you thought about opening up a private blog/journal? If you feel like this place is too public, having a journal but perhaps somewhere where you can interact and discuss it on a more private level may help. Please don't be afraid to post anything on here though- we are all willing to help and listen.
I can relate to that...the main reasons I registered with the uni counselling service was because one of the most simplest things at work resulted in me having a panic attack and just having suicidal thoughts made me realise I needed help. I never give up and admitting I needed help was tough.
They told me at my assessment that they closed until the new academic year and that if they could see me before the end of summer term, it was only likely to be for 1-2 sessions...that was why they informed me of the alternatives.
I hadn't considered a blog...It isn't that, that this is too public...I don't know, I just don't really want to write about it at the moment...
I didn't really get a chance to say a lot if I'm honest. I explained that both my Dad and Grandad passed away and when I told her my Dad committed suicide she wanted to know the details and whether there was a family history of mental health issues...All the other problems have arisen as a result of their deaths... They also seem to have calmed down a little now, so hopefully I can move on from it and try and deal with the grief I've been avoiding for the past 3.5 months!?!
I just wish grief wasn't so exhausting...I know that it's considered normal to be "up and down" all the time but I hate feeling like I have no control whatsoever...I guess the realisation that nothing is certain and that you never know what is going to happen tomorrow makes me feel like I've lost all sense of purpose and I've lost trust in everything.
Fiend has made some good points here. Keep posting, we're always here listening.
I don't really know how I feel at the moment...I know I don't feel as angry as I did before...but a lot of what we talked about is still going around in my head and I talked a lot about the things I didn't want to post on here so I have put a lot of that into perspective now...
Hopefully it can only get easier....
How are you feeling this evening ? I'm glad to hear that the counselling went well today and that you feel much better for offloading. You say that you are feeling very drained after the session, this is a very natural reaction and you will have spoke about things that are very sensitive, it can be quite upsetting initially but as you have acknowledged this is all part of the process. It sounds like you are being really open and honest and are taking a very positive approach to your counselling sessions, this is good to hear and you should be very proud of yourself for taking these big steps.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.*hug*
Take care,
B:thumb:
I'm still angry - but for different reasons now...I am angry that everyone always talks about how it's impacted on my mum and how I need to support her...I just feel like saying "What about me?" - I know that's selfish...I just feel she has all these people around that want to help but she chooses to use me as her sounding board. I guess I feel like I am taking on her grief as well as my own.
At my session, she commented on how I am good at putting on a front to people to make them think I am fine, which is true...but I don't know what else I am supposed to do? They don't understand my situation and I am glad they don't because it means they haven't been in this situation but its frustrating.
She kept asking who else I was angry at other than myself and my Auntie...I know she was expecting me to say my Dad but I don't know if I am...How can I be angry with someone when I can understand the type of pain he must of been in to do what he did. I used to think suicide was selfish but how can it be? I don't think he did it to hurt us...he did it to end his own pain and I can understand that...but that understanding I have, frightens me....