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GF Feels Unwanted / Neglected b/c I Don't Go Down As Much As She'd Like

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi everyone. I am posting here hoping someone can help me figure out if I'm in the wrong or not and what I should do about the situation I'm in. Please understand that I'm trying my best here and really do love this girl.

Several months ago, my girlfriend revealed to me that she felt like her vagina was being neglected. She said that I didn't go down on her or finger her at all and it was making her feel unwanted. Long story short, we had several discussions but I did agree that if she wants me to do these things more, there's no reason I can't and I should. Since then, I have been working them into sex whenever they come to mind.

This morning she got upset again. I don't know what to do. I have definitely been doing both things more often, but they just aren't the first thing that comes to mind when we are having sex and I am lost in the moment (which I always am because it is very passionate for me). It's not that I don't want her or that I don't like doing these things, but what am I supposed to do? It just isn't always on my mind. In fact, all of our problems (there haven't been that many) past and present kind of completely slip away when we are sharing that. I tried to explain to her that it's supposed to be our special moment and I wouldn't be with her or having sex with her if I didn't love and want her, but she just can't seem to stop focusing on the fact that I don't play with her down there as much as she would like. I want to accommodate her because I want to please her as much as I possibly can, but I feel like the way she got mad and was slamming doors at 7:00am and acting like I'm a terrible person for "neglecting [her] pussy" is kind of ... wrong. I've tried to explain that getting her off is the best and most intimate part of sex to me, and that the tools I choose to use to do that and excite her come naturally and that she's thinking too far into it. Am I wrong here? What should I do? What can I do?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you turn the situation around to where you were short with her, going round in a huff and being a general twat because she wouldn't suck your cock >every< time you had sex then you would be labelled a bully, a needy sexual ogre overbearing on the fragile woman flower.

    If you are honestly trying to satisfy her, she should at the least be happy about that, not throwing it back in your face and you really shouldn't be subjected to that kind of treatment by anyone for anything least of all because you didn't munch her cooch as much as she wanted and didn't do sex *exactly* how she wanted it.

    You can of course try and learn how she wants the love tunnel manipulated (generally it is best to ask her) and go for some fun experiments with tongue twisters and writing the alphabet with your tongue on her vajayjay, trying to make it work that way.
    But
    If she can't stop being selfish and work in a constructive manner when it comes to something as trivial as sex, what the hell is she going to be like later in the relationship when things don't go her way?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SnuggleBubbles makes a very good point: if the roles were reversed, and you were demanding a blowjob every time you had sex, and you were getting angry if you weren't getting them, then people would rightly be critical.

    Sex is always about compromise. If you don't like doing something that she likes a lot, then you need to work together to find a balance that works for you both. If you don't enjoy or like giving her oral sex that is OK; find something that you like and that satisfies her.

    It's up to her to be more constructive in her criticism. If you just stick your willy in her foofoo and don't give a toss about her satisfaction then she's right to complain. But she needs to be telling you what you should be doing to satisfy her more. If you don't enjoy doing that then she needs to work out what is more important: oral sex or the relationship with you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I appreciate the sentiment of your post and that her way of handling it was wrong. I'm trying to explain that to her while also being understanding that there is some deeper emotional issue which is making her feel rejected (and at the same time making her understand that I am not actively engaged in specifically not doing it or anything like that).

    I think the real issue is that she doesn't take in what I say because she has this delusional believe that "have no interest in [her] cooch." Meanwhile, the dog and one of our cats is hiding under the bed because they're so upset she's angry and I continuously get accused of doing something wrong.

    I feel like this is something she probably needs therapy for, but I am worried that if I say "look, you have to talk to your therapist about this" because she's going to think I'm just "dismissing [her] feelings."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sex is always about compromise. If you don't like doing something that she likes a lot, then you need to work together to find a balance that works for you both. If you don't enjoy or like giving her oral sex that is OK; find something that you like and that satisfies her.

    It's up to her to be more constructive in her criticism. If you just stick your willy in her foofoo and don't give a toss about her satisfaction then she's right to complain. But she needs to be telling you what you should be doing to satisfy her more. If you don't enjoy doing that then she needs to work out what is more important: oral sex or the relationship with you.

    We actually do have a lot of foreplay, but I tend to tease her a lot and work around the entire body (usually at least spending a few minutes down below with my hands and/or mouth - I have no problem with this now) and then she ends up having multiple orgasms almost every time we have sex. Obviously if what I've been doing is working so well, I had no reason to think there was a problem.

    I did suggest (many times) that she should just say during sex that she wants it, and that she shouldn't be afraid to tell me what she wants and how she wants it and that she can even show me with actions (shove me down there or whatever) if using words makes it less fun for some reason. Her reaction is "I shouldn't have to give instructions to get you to do it." I think maybe next time I will point out that it's a reminder, not instructions.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If my girlfriend reacted like with "I shouldn't have to give instructions to get you to do it." I'd be annoyed. Neither I nor you are fucking mind readers. What adults want physically changes a lot. Depending on mood and what's been being done to us and by us.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yup, I agree with you guys. I think this is what I really need someone to confirm or deny so I can move forward and make the right decision:

    My Assumption: It is not normal for one individual to feel rejected and hurt when the other does not perform oral sex unless oral sex has actually been asked for and refused (this is not the case).

    Is my assumption wrong? Or does she need to get help for this if she isn't able to get past the issue when I explain it to her and try to be understanding?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Getting mad because someone doesn't do something they were not asked to do is indeed silly.

    Does it need therapy for it? Probably not! The only help she needs is to not be delusional and selfish. There is probably some deep rooted psychological problem or something like that, but sometimes there isn't one.

    While it is awesome that you are being supportive and understanding about things you have to draw a line somewhere and tell her to grow up or the whole relationship will revolve around her and her problems and how they affect her until they affect both of you. At that point not a word you say will make any difference.

    To put it in more succinct terms, therapy will not make her a perfect person, some people have idiosyncrasies and suggesting that she speak to her therapist about it is the first option, if she gives you it in the neck for the suggestion tell her she is being a child, there will probably be a bigass argument but sometimes a bigass argument is better than a long protracted argument. You don't have to be all Stanley Kowalski about it, but just be firm with her!
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