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Getting my mother to leave

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
The relationship between me and my mother has not been fantastic since I before I left home at 15. We moved back together coming up to 2 years ago because we both had health issues and needed the mutual support. Since moving to this new house (which has been pretty hard considering the problems with state of repair of it and our arsey landlord) she has been increasingly difficult to live with. We now share the house with my best friend who is very clean and tidy and pays most of her bills etc on time (unlike my mother who owes me 2 months worth of bills and 1 months rent and thats just for starters). She hardly speaks to me unless its to either have a go at me, ask me to do something or to apologise for something she'll go and do again a few hours later. Its having a huge affect on my mental health and the general atmosphere in the house.

She's been saying for months that she doesn't want to stay here, but sees me as incapable of looking after myself and thus she has to stay. Yes I do need support, but I'd rather get it from other sources or go without and have my mental health recover rather than be put down constantly and made to live how she wants and not how I want. Its a joint tenancy so she could leave and my housemate would just take her place on the agreement (my landlord has now agreed to have her on the agreement anyway, so it would just be a straight swap). But I don't know how I can ask her to leave without it getting hugely heated. I'm getting so angry with the whole situation that I've started self harming rather than breaking stuff, and my housemate is being really badly affected by the situation, she has said to me that either she goes or my mother does. I get so much more support from my housemate (who has also beena good friend for more than 12 years) than I do from my mother.

So how can I ask her to leave without blowing my top and screaming in her face until I'm blue? She's getting drunk almost every evening and just turning living here into a nightmare that I can't cope with.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Plan what you're going to say - then sit down with her and say it.

    Have a date worked out that gives her reasonable time in which to move out. Quite frankly it sounds like one of the best ideas you've come up with for quite a while. You'll probably have to accept that it will get heated as she's unlikely to take it well, but be prepared to stand your ground.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well this is what she wants in the long run. I need to see about the logistics of it all because its going to leave us a bit short on the rent and we've been looking at what other options we might have (flats and smaller houses in near-by areas etc).

    I'm really torn about all of it, because at the end of the day she still is my mother. But everyone has been agreeing with me that this is the best thing to do. I need to work it all out and talk to my housemate about it so we can do it together because it is a joint decision.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Would you talk to your mother about it with your housemate present? It's a double edged sword- it could be a huge bonus in that it will provide support and back up, but it could also backfire in that your mum may react worse to the housemate's presence in that conversation.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I spoke to her about it and it was much easier than I thought, it's just going to be a case of working out how to move on. We could save £75 a month moving somewhere smaller and less hassle with the house falling apart... So much to think about!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Last night we had a bit of a row and she hit me pretty hard. I stayed at a friends last night but neither me or my housemate feel safe to be there anymore and she's refusing to leave until her rent runs out at the end of June. It's a vile atmosphere here right now but I don't see what we can do until we find somewhere else to go. Finger crossed the places we see on Saturday will be ok
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I thought she owed you bills/rent money? Or has that now been paid?

    There's a simple way to deal with violence.........
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Miss_Riot,

    It sounds like it has been a very stressful time for you at home just lately, but you seem to have made some very positive decisions in that time and are making the steps towards a better future, so good for you! :yippe:

    I really hope you and your housemate find somewhere nice to live soon and perhaps some time away from your mother may actually improve your relationship with her. It's important that you have noticed how your relationship affects your mental health and it sounds like some time apart may be good for you. It could also help your mother to re-evaluate her own life as well and you can still be there to support each other without the intensity of living together.

    I hope everything works out. Let us know how you get on!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She's paid 2 months worth of rent and thus doesn't think she owes me any bills. I'm so tired of arguing the toss with her. I just want her to go
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do the accounts, give her reasonable notice and give her a refund of anything she's overpaid.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She's now staying with a friend, but seems to like to drop by to occasionally have a go. I now need to tot up all of our jointly owned items and see what I can afford to buy off her and whats actually mine outright. Shes just being utterly vile and I'm sick to the core with her. I'm really upset but I feel like I can't express it right now. Its all too much and I don't feel safe.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So we all moved out in the end - I'm now living very happy with my best friend about 14 miles away from my mother, but we're still having to sort out storing furniture and stuff like that so I'm still needing to talk to her on a regular basis. But everytime I talk to her she has a go and keeps asking for really unreasonable things - I bought all ther furniture in the old place (including her mattress and bed). Shes now asking for the mattress back (which my best friend is using now) and I've told her to jog on because she has enough money to go buy a new mattress where as my friend doesn't and my mum has a bad mattress but a bad one is better than none.

    I feel like not talking to her once all the house stuff, but then I'll have no parents. But she is so damaging to my state of mind...

    What do I do?
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