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Girlfriend wanting to go genderless

plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
Hey everyone,
I've been with my girlfriend for about 2 and a half years now and for the last 6 months she's become increasingly uncomfortable with her body and until a few weeks ago it wasn't too bad but it being Easter break we've been apart for 2 and a half weeks and I've come down to hers now for a few days and so far it's been really difficult; she's stopped wearing her normal clothes and is wearing baggy boyish clothes without a bra, she's not letting me touch any of her body and whenever I slip up and refer to her as female in any way (by accident of course - I've been trying to be supportive) but I can't do it anymore. It feels like in 2 and a half weeks the relationship has completely changed and in some way ended.
I know it has got to be her choice and I'm trying to be fine with it even though I'm not comfortable - I keep trying to just talk to her but she refuses to and I really don't know what to do, so we just sit in silence all the time.
I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like we could break up properly because it'd be unsupportive at this time but we have nothing in common, she's in a foul mood permanently and it is so hard going I don't think I can deal with it.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    nawww!

    :wave: hi,
    as a girl i know how it feels, she's probably hormonal at the moment and probably will get over it.... maybe?
    If she is VERY uncomfortable at the moment try encouraging her more or taking her out in public, something along those lines!
    hope everything improves for your relationship!
    bex
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    plugitin wrote: »
    Hey everyone,
    I've been with my girlfriend for about 2 and a half years now and for the last 6 months she's become increasingly uncomfortable with her body and until a few weeks ago it wasn't too bad but it being Easter break we've been apart for 2 and a half weeks and I've come down to hers now for a few days and so far it's been really difficult; she's stopped wearing her normal clothes and is wearing baggy boyish clothes without a bra, she's not letting me touch any of her body and whenever I slip up and refer to her as female in any way (by accident of course - I've been trying to be supportive) but I can't do it anymore. It feels like in 2 and a half weeks the relationship has completely changed and in some way ended.
    I know it has got to be her choice and I'm trying to be fine with it even though I'm not comfortable - I keep trying to just talk to her but she refuses to and I really don't know what to do, so we just sit in silence all the time.
    I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like we could break up properly because it'd be unsupportive at this time but we have nothing in common, she's in a foul mood permanently and it is so hard going I don't think I can deal with it.

    You are not with the person you used to anymore. If you love the new person, good for you, if you stay with her just because you used to, then you are betraying yourself. I for one could not be with someone who does not like the way she is. If you can, good for you if not then my personal opinion is: break up.
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    plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
    Thanks, StrubbleS, think you're right when you say it's not the same person. I'm still trying to think things out; we had quite a long chat earlier.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    she's probably hormonal at the moment and probably will get over it.... maybe?

    I don't think this is the case. It comes across deep-rooted. At the mo all you can do is 'be there'. If you are not comfortable, you have to express that. If you can't express that, you'll probably have to ask yourself if its worth it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have a number of friends who are trans*, and they almost always have difficulty reconciling with their current partner.

    It's important that you keep trying to talk to her about your feelings, because this doesn't need to be the end of your relationship but it worries me that she seems to expect you to accept this without conversation.

    Has she got any support? If you're in the UK at the mo I can recommend some charities you could both get info and support from.
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    piccolo wrote: »
    I have a number of friends who are trans*, and they almost always have difficulty reconciling with their current partner.

    It's important that you keep trying to talk to her about your feelings, because this doesn't need to be the end of your relationship but it worries me that she seems to expect you to accept this without conversation.

    Has she got any support? If you're in the UK at the mo I can recommend some charities you could both get info and support from.

    :yes: couldn't agree more and me too on the support front, I've got to know lots of trans people in recent months.
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    plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
    piccolo wrote: »
    I have a number of friends who are trans*, and they almost always have difficulty reconciling with their current partner.

    It's important that you keep trying to talk to her about your feelings, because this doesn't need to be the end of your relationship but it worries me that she seems to expect you to accept this without conversation.

    Has she got any support? If you're in the UK at the mo I can recommend some charities you could both get info and support from.

    We managed to have a long talk on Thursday evening and both talked about it and I think she now understands that I need to know what's going on or it makes things mega difficult for me too. So 'things' are going a bit better now - I think perhaps part of it was that in the 2 and a half weeks she'd managed to talk a big step forward but I wasn't aware of this and so I kept making her feel uncomfortable... yet she hadn't told me. So now we can both work together on it.

    She doesn't have any support; I'm encouraging her to talk to one of the people in our LGBT group who recently changed to male and she seemed to think it was a good idea; it'll just be a case of getting her to speak to him. I think some ideas for support would be good, thanks!
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Hey, just wanted to say hope some of the links I shared last night were useful. It sounds like today has been really tough for you (need a hug thread) so keep us posted on how you're doing - what you need personally is really important. *hug*
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    plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
    Hi,
    I've been able to use some of the info you provided me with last night to look at some other pages but I'm finding it really daunting to look at, so I've been taking it slowly and am only looking at a few pages at a time. Thanks for your help :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know what Helen shared in chat so apols for potential overlap, but these are the organisations I've had really positive interactions with:
    GIRES is a research foundation, but it was founded by the parents of a trans woman who committed suicide after workplace bullying, so they also deal with support for trans* people and their families and friends.
    Gendered Intelligence deliver arts programmes but also a large number of social and support groups for under-25 trans* people.
    The Queer Youth Network has a really good online community that might benefit both of you.
    I don't know where you are in the UK, but FtM London meet in Camden town one Saturday a month and are a really diverse group.

    Take care of yourself as well, don't be afraid to get your own support and do your own reading. PM me if you need anything.
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    plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
    Hi,
    thanks for sharing the links! I'm in Birmingham but my girlfriend actually comes from London so the group there could potentially be of some interest to her/us - so thanks!
    I think I already saw the Gendered Intelligence site but the queer youth network isn't one I've yet seen, so again will look into it.

    Thinking about speaking to someone but it's such a stressful time already, what with finals that I don't know whether I'm best off trying to suppress everything for a month of so, or trying to deal with it now on top of everything else - decisions!
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    plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
    Girlfriend has come back to Uni today and decided that she is fine with 'just dressing in a tomboyish manner' and that she has no desire to change gender. I'm confused. A week ago she was so serious, bought lots of male clothes and now she's fine with her body. I know I should be happy (and I am) but it's just confusing me now :s
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It is very confusing. You have the right to take a minute, to clear your head. Remember though, how confusing it must have been for her, so a little slack may be appropriate.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If im honest my dear i feel you guys really evaluate your relationship and if see if its worth carrying on. We have to remember guys it takes years to know someone fully and im not just talking 2-3 years. No it can sometimes take up to 10 years to know one fully inside and out. If you feel that this is terribly uncomfortable for you and she is not willing to talk things through then there is no point in forcing things through because it will come to an end someday and you could potentially be missing your potential wife by wasting time in the spot that your in instead on taking time to meet the right person for you. I know these things can really hurt especially when its not the right things we want to hear but the sooner we face the truth the quicker we get ourselves outa that situation.

    So the choice is yours. either you talk things through or stop wasting precious time. LIFES JUST TO SHORT
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