High Anxiety!

Former Member

Had therapy today, it was very distressing. Certainly won't be sleeping tonight to frightened again to close my eyes....

Busy week, have an ESA Assessment tomorrow, I don't know what to expect. I have never been out of work before this. I am sooo anxious they will ask me a load of stuff I can't talk about easily and just tuck away again without some kind of detrimental effect. Crisis team been involved since before easter I know the next move from here will be hospital. i am trying so hard to keep everything under control so I can get through each day, I would like to say without incident but i can't (But I am still here and so that is a win, my end game will wait another day)

I want to get back to work, thats where all my self worth is homed. What sort of employee i would make right now i don't know. I know i am disorganised and not functioning as well as i should be at the moment (I put a tea bag in the kettle and boiled it to make tea, when I looked in my cup I just thought I had forgotten to put the tea bag in, then I poured the kettle!!! the bag had broken, lovely mess)

My social worker is coming to the ESA assessment with me. I am relieved a little that he is coming. but also a bit worried as he always seems to see things as being much more serious than I do. Last thing i need is him turning up and saying i am useless, cause i want to work.

Well I am struggling but I hope to get through tomorrows ordeal without trigger and I hope be back again posting with you all in the evening. :nervous::yeees::(:crying:

Former Member

Hi milliemollie,

How are things today? Hope you managed to get some sleep. I think it's common to feel a bit distressed after therapy, but it's definitely worth discussing with your therapist.

How did you find your ESA Assessment? I've never had one myself but know a few people who have and it's good that your social worker was able to go with you. I think that helps not only for moral support but also to make the person doing the assessment get more of an idea of your circumstances. I'm sure he won't make you sound useless, and I don't think that from what you've posted. ESA is geared at what you can do workwise not preventing you from working again, so maybe it would help to think of it like that? It does sound like you'd benefit from some time to recover from the difficult time you've been having lately. Think to yourself you will work again and you will be successful, you just need some time to convalesce now so you can fulfill your potential and feel more settled in life in the future.

I can relate to the need to work. Work was what I did until a few weeks back and I felt anxious about having time off sick. I've been away from work for nearly two months now. Was having a hard time concentrating and sleeping and I've always felt really anxious about the social side of having to work in all the different jobs I've had. It had reached the point where I was thinking badly and got referred to Crisis care. I'm being re-assessed at the moment because they think I don't have depression but more likely some form of ADHD or Aspergers.

Do you have anyone apart from your therapist you can talk to about how you feel. Obviously you can always post here but sometimes it helps to talk to a friendly face. I don't have many people I can talk to but I do have my boyfriend who's been really understanding. One thing he said which I thought was a good way of looking at time off work, is that there is more to life than work and that nothing terrible is going to happen if I don't go for a while. See it as an opportunity and a chance to grow rather than a failure and a negative thing.

Hope that makes sense, sorry for the long reply :hyper:
Stay safe hun

Former Member

Hi flibbertygibbert, can I call you FG for short? You welcome to call me MM.

Thankyou for your kind words of support. It has been another traumatic day, I feel washed out. ESA assessment was running late so ended up being there 3 hours, I was so anxious all my muscles are throbbing now. Sociaal Worker was good and stayed all that time, all i could do was keep apologising for taking all that time up with him. It seemed to go ok once got in there, i got in a bit of a state, I get to the point I can't speak without stuttering ( I have never stuttered before the assault just seemsm to be part of my anxiety) . She confirmed the diagnosis of PTSD and depression and anxiety.

The woman was calm and gave me time to answer and scial worker was very supportive. he did tell her that he has been on the cusp of admitting me a couple of times and crisis team are involved and things do become very difficult at times which he says he takes very seriously with me. (As I said before he sees things as more serious than i do most time). He said the therapist and he are in regular contact because she has been concerned at times as well. It's those sort of things I wish he would have omitted. I try not to worry anyone, I suppose I should feel secure in that they are keeping a close eye on me. I find it so hard to accept or ask for help, it is not what I was taught to do as a kid, the motto I grew up with was 'get on with it cause noone else will do it or cares'.

I lost my job in November 11 through capability because of my health, I hate that, it feels a right cop out. I so want to get back and i said that at the assessment today. She said the same as you,maybe I need to have sosme time to recover before attempting to get another job. It is hard to accept that things are that poor at the moment. I don't want to be unrealistic but I feel so useless.

I do have very good people around me, people I do not deserve after the way i have behaved with them but for some reason they sticking by me. I am very fortunate.

I think the lack of sleep don.t help half the time i cannot finds the words i want to say, i just sort of get stuck on a word and nothing else happens.sure people get confused at what i saying cause I rarely get one thing said completely and fully. tThe best way for me to express my self is in writing, it feels safer.

I hope your assessments get a proper diagnosis for you, it is often a bit hit and miss in getting a decent diagnosis in the first place. Let me know how you get on.

I won't know the outcome of my ESA assessment for a while will have to wait for a letter! Take care and thanks again MM

Former Member

Hi MM,

It sounds like you're being extremely brave and I'm sure you'll get through this. It's good to hear you have supportive friends too. I can understand finding it easier to write things down, I've always found that easier than trying to vocalise my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it's good to just know people are there for you, even just to hang out with for a bit and not necessarily talk about anything heavy. :thumb: Keeping a journal (if you're not already) may help organise your thoughts and feelings. I've not tried it myself yet, but heard people say it's helped them.

I was brought up with a similar idea of plodding on regardless. I've come to believe however (with some persuasion), sometimes there is a case for being a bit 'selfish' and taking sometime to focus on yourself (and I never thought I would be saying that!) Especially for yourself, noone has the right to assault anyone *ever*. It's not your fault, take some time to be helped and then come back stronger than before. You seem smart and driven, so you *will* get there I'm sure.

FG