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Relationship Autopsy

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Has anyone done one?

I've been doing quite a lot of stuff looking at my reactions to stuff that happened in the past and something I was reading (SARK's transformational soup - its the kind of soft cutesy self help that I kind of like) said about a relationship autopsy.

There is a past relationship which I really feel I need to get to the bottom of because its still holding me back (even though I have no desire to be back with this person, its just the memories and the stuff that happened which is really difficult to deal with). But I don't know if meeting up with him and talking out this relationship autopsy is a good idea, but I have no idea how to do it on my own.

I've pulled some stuff about it off the net (this and this), but I'm not sure what steps to take next, or even if its a good idea.

Any thoughts?

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    Starry nightStarry night Posts: 674 Incredible Poster
    It will be difficult and a little awkward. Might I ask, did you part on good terms? Nothing too volatile still there?
    If not, then simply say that you are going through all of your previous relationships and you just want to talk it through. You will sound mature by investigating this, who says that they haven't wanted to talk about it? Mention 'all' so that they don't get an ego trip or the wrong impression or something.
    Do it by phone, its personal but you can still hang up and there is a level of detatchment that makes it less intimidating.
    I have done this. I told him to come over mine to collect his stuff, he said that he wanted to talk about it. We parted on unresolved stuff becuase he went to uni. We talked, I said all the stuff I wanted to say and a weight was lifted.
    You're brave for doing this. Go for it. :thumb:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We did part on good terms but stupidly when I broke up with him I didn't tell him exactly why to spare his feelings (his best mate tore me a new one and totally decimated my self esteem, and he didn't stick up for me - he never realised just how much it hurt). We've met up a few times since but not spoken about the relationship. I doubt he'd want to now he has a new relationship but I think I need to stop getting angry at him some how.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't really see how talking to him will benefit you. I used to be a talker. Talk about everything. Problems that just turned around in circles and were not meant to be solved. Until she was sick of it. Actually until even I myself was sick of it.

    Just get on with your life and let it be a thing of the past. If this is something that keeps bugging you, then it could very well be, that your past relationship it not the cause, but merely a symptom. The cause would be an eventless, static life, that allows oneself to live in the past and dwell on negligible problems that should affect nobody after all that time.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sometimes you will only understand the things that have happened by carrying on and being a new person. Reworking what has happened is like playing with your poop to try and enjoy your food more.

    Maybe not quiet that bad, but the analogy works.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It that theory is correct then what's the point of psychotherapy?

    The only way we can change our behaviour is if we see the patterns and make a change. I don't think it's living in the past it's just taking stock, learning from our mistakes and then doing things to not repeat them.

    At the moment I pretty much blame him for our relationship falling apart and I know that it can't be all his fault. I need to work out what it was that I did too so that I don't do it again.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    psychotherapy doesn't work for everyone.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    how long ago was the relationship? I think you have a habit of analysing and thinking about things too much. i'm pretty sure a lot of people have past relationships that they sometimes have questions about, and maybe wish they could go back and talk about it. but sometimes the best thing to do is to just forget about it and carry on in life. if you feel like you can't, then not enough time has passed.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote: »
    Sometimes you will only understand the things that have happened by carrying on and being a new person. Reworking what has happened is like playing with your poop to try and enjoy your food more.

    Maybe not quiet that bad, but the analogy works.

    The committee of theSite has unanimously (I am the only board member) decided to bestow the highest philosophical honor award upon you for your ingenious poop analogy.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    It that theory is correct then what's the point of psychotherapy?

    I think psychotherapy has always the same outcome (when it worked as intendet). Realizing you do not have to bother with it anymore and can leave it behind you. You are bothered by it, because you think you are at fault (in some cases of rape victims for example). You are not at fault tho, and if you were there is nothing you can do about it. Sometimes you really need to talk it out with someone. Like a father who hit you, or a mother who neglected you. Talking to them, telling them how much it affected you, hoping for their insight and feelings of remorse and ultimately your apology and the resolution of the issue.

    What are you trying to achieve to clear up with your ex-boyfriend? Why does it matter who is at fault here? He has moved on and is unaffected by the issue and probably not interested to resolve your issue, except for telling you to move on yourself. Often times there is no physical issue, there is just an imagined issue. A problem you are creating for yourself. And those are just resolved by accepting them and stop wasting time and resources to solve the unsolvable.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    The committee of theSite has unanimously (I am the only board member) decided to bestow the highest philosophical honor award upon you for your ingenious poop analogy.

    Is there some sort of official wording I could add to my signature or something? maybe some letters after my name?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    After a relationship breaks up, for a while you will have raw feelings still as that person is still on your mind. Whether you felt positive or negative towards them, they don't disappear.

    After that you will start to feel 'normal' I guess but they could still evoke a strong reaction when you think back to them - like you have been having.

    The thing is, if you don't see them very often anymore, why do you keep thinking about your relationship with them? My longest relationship really turned my world upside down when it went down the shitter, and I tried talking things through with my ex. It didn't really help though, because none of the answers she would give helped me answer any of the questions I had. I went through cycles of anger, pain, betrayal and loss over and over and over again.

    I hoped like in some movie, talking to her one last time would give me closure. But every time I met her, she acted weird too like I was some quirky stranger who she wasn't sure what to do with. In the end, she just quietly stopped talking and seeing to me.

    And it worked out for the best. I moved on, I met someone else, life picked up and headed in a new direction. I'll be honest; I still have unanswered questions and thoughts about that relationship. But I think that's normal really - some things will never be answered.

    So back to your issue now; the question you need to ask yourself is what is your goal? What are you trying to gain from discussing this with him? If its to feel less angry, do you really think you can achieve that? Or will talking to him and being reminded of how he made you feel just inflame those feelings even more?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There. Take it from shyboy. the most sensitive and softest guy of TheSite. He pretty much wrapped what I was saying into a practical example.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not totally interested in talking to him about it, but I really need to get over this anger I feel towards him. Basically, I was managing his best friend's band, and when I got sacked his best friend tore me a new one and totally decimated my self-esteem. He pretty much turned around and told me it was my fault, didn't stick up for me or question his friend about what he said. He also didn't come with me when I needed him to come with me to the sexual dysfunction clinic even when the appointments were meant to have been for both of us. I never told him how hurt I was by these things and he felt like he'd supported me 110% by coming to sit in when my landlady was getting abusive, and being there when my mum had to be rushed into hospital.

    I don't want to blame him for all my ills, but as a result I pretty much lost all my friends, I feel like I can't go to the things he and his friends might be at (his best friend spread some rumours about me and he did nothing to stop him), tbh I don't even feel I can go to his town anymore (which is less than 10 miles away and is where everything is in my area). Its not the cause but it has really really contributed to my anxiety.

    But I'm aware there must be things that I do which fuck things up time and time again. Since we split up (8 months ago now) I've messed up at least 1 possibly 2 chances of having a romantic relationship, but I can't work out what it is that I do!

    Am I over him? Well its been a fair amount of time I haven't spoken to him since february, and before that December. I don't want to get back with him, but I do see photos of us together and have a little twinge (but my mum does over her wedding photos and she split up with her ex husband 25 years ago).

    Maybe I'm just looking for another stick to beat myself with? I just don't want to be angry with him anymore, it doesn't actually achieve anything
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The ex boyfriend and his friend are irrelevant. They're not the issue. They weren't then and they aren't now. You know this.

    Perhaps some therapy would work out pretty well, to understand what the root cause of your low self esteem is. And then some CBT or similar to try and develop new strategies to turn off the negative thoughts, to learn how to ignore them.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've had years of therapy, I'm still in therapy now. I know what the root cause is, and CBT just gives me flashbacks (my father was a CBT therapist).

    I feel like I'm just going around in circles...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    I'm not totally interested in talking to him about it, but I really need to get over this anger I feel towards him. Basically, I was managing his best friend's band, and when I got sacked his best friend tore me a new one and totally decimated my self-esteem. He pretty much turned around and told me it was my fault, didn't stick up for me or question his friend about what he said. He also didn't come with me when I needed him to come with me to the sexual dysfunction clinic even when the appointments were meant to have been for both of us. I never told him how hurt I was by these things and he felt like he'd supported me 110% by coming to sit in when my landlady was getting abusive, and being there when my mum had to be rushed into hospital.

    I don't want to blame him for all my ills, but as a result I pretty much lost all my friends, I feel like I can't go to the things he and his friends might be at (his best friend spread some rumours about me and he did nothing to stop him), tbh I don't even feel I can go to his town anymore (which is less than 10 miles away and is where everything is in my area). Its not the cause but it has really really contributed to my anxiety.

    But I'm aware there must be things that I do which fuck things up time and time again. Since we split up (8 months ago now) I've messed up at least 1 possibly 2 chances of having a romantic relationship, but I can't work out what it is that I do!

    Am I over him? Well its been a fair amount of time I haven't spoken to him since february, and before that December. I don't want to get back with him, but I do see photos of us together and have a little twinge (but my mum does over her wedding photos and she split up with her ex husband 25 years ago).

    Maybe I'm just looking for another stick to beat myself with? I just don't want to be angry with him anymore, it doesn't actually achieve anything

    Whatever you are trying to achieve, you won't achieve it by talking to your ex about it. He didn't stand up for you and he didn't apologize afterwards. If you are angry at him and just want him to show remorse and vent to him you will be unpleasantly surprised that you will not one bit gain what you hope for. Why do you even look at old photos of you? Throw that shit out. Move on. And by moving on, I mean fake it until you make it. Pretend you have an interesting, fulfilling life until your exboyfriend is a fading thought like a fart on a windy night.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Is faking it really going to help? Or am I just setting myself up for more shit to deal with in the future? And how the hell do I fake it?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    Is faking it really going to help? Or am I just setting myself up for more shit to deal with in the future? And how the hell do I fake it?

    Just until you make it. Like I said, do productive things. Sports, reading, studying, hell do finger painting, rearranging your furniture, or teach yourself something. What are you doing all day long? An idle mind is the devil's playground and everybody is just prone to remember the exes when you are not occupied with anything except breathing and trying to not choke on your drool. Do something with your life. It's just a classic withdrawal. The longer you do not think about it and make yourself busy with other stuff the quicker old issues become irrelevant. It's not a suppressing mechanism, it's a coping mechanism. Soon you will look back and do not even understand why things like that bothered you.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm at college 2 days a week plus course work and practice. I help my my mum and my house mate out quite a lot, do my share of the housework when I can, and because my medication makes me feel so tired I then feel totally exhaused and don't have much time for myself to do anything. I'm awful with my time management, and I disassociate a fair bit (meaning I've been found staring into space for a fair bit of time just lost in my own thought not really realising whats going on), so I'm going to try and see if I can get a little bit more structure into my life...how I'm not sure yet though. He doesn't occupy my every thought far from it, I was just working through this book which suggested this idea as to figure out where you're going wrong in relationships, I kind of wish I hadn't brought it up now.
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