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Depression, bingeing, cutting and now suicide. Rock Bottom?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I am basically just an absolute wreck at the moment.

I am 19 and a first year uni student. I have been struggling with depression for almost five years and have had food issues for even longer than that. I use food and bingeing to deal with my emotions and depression, which then just serves to make my depression worse. Around a year and a half ago I also started self harming by cutting as a way of dealing with my food issues and self-hatred.

When I started uni this year, things were going well and I was happy for a while. But I soon spiralled into depression and bingeing again and by early January I was feeling extremely suicidal and desperate. I went to see my GP and started medication and counselling and things began to improve.

However, things took a nosedive around the middle of March and culminated in me attempting suicide by overdosing (whilst still at uni). Until then, my family and most of my friends were completely unaware that I had been depressed, or that I had been self harming. Obviously after this I could no longer hide things very easily and my parents and my closest friends now know about things that have been going on. I have been at home since I was discharged from hospital, which I have found both helpful and frustrating – helpful in that there are always people around so I can’t wallow, but frustrating because I don’t have my independence and the freedom to do the self-destructive things that I know are bad for me.

When I took the overdose, it was one of my uni friends who took me to hospital, stayed with me for hours and then cleaned away the drugs packaging etc that I had left in my room before I had to go back to it. I feel really guilty about all that I put her through and I don’t know how to fix it, how to explain, what to explain – how can I say sorry and say thank you to her without it seeming grossly inadequate? What should I say to her about what happened?

Everything in my life has now been tainted by my problems. My relationships have now been scarred by the whole overdose thing and my uni work is just a mess. Those are the two things that I had managed to keep relatively unscathed in my years of being depressed, but now I can’t even manage that.

I am going back to uni to finish the year out in a week and I am really anxious at the thought of all the work I have to do. I have assignments due in when I go back and exams in a few weeks and I haven’t prepared for any of it. I just can’t concentrate and get terrified whenever I think of or try and do any work.

When I go back, I also have to make an appointment with my GP and sort out what kind of treatment or whatever I will get following this. I know that most of my problems centre on food, but I don’t know whether I should tell the GP this, wait until I get a Psychiatric referral or wait for whatever referral to therapy I get? I am confused about what kind of support is even available, what is best and what I should ask for?

And the most pathetic thing of all is the thing that I am most excited about in my life right now is finally having an evening alone when I go back to uni when I can binge and cut in peace.

I’m not sure what I want from this, it’s just that so much has gone on and I am just really confused and tired of everything and I don’t know what to do or how to fix any of it. Please help.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First of all, it reads to me like you are certainly trying to change things for the better so well done.
    Secondly it does take time to get back on track after being thrown off the tracks, mentally speaking.
    With regards to your friend, what do you want to say to her? don't just blurt it out think about it before. remember that you can't change what happened. I once handed a friend of mine a set of razors and asked her to bin them for me. She later told me it was the most awful thing I've done to her but she understood and forgave me. Set boundaries, maybe she won't want to talk about it, maybe she will. the only way is to start the conversation.
    As for uni make sure they are aware of the problems you're facing - they can and will make things easier hopefully. my uni were great to me right until the end - once I'd told them I wasn't lazy and uninterested I was depressed as hell and could barely get out of bed in the morning.
    For me therapy was sort of the life changer, the change came from in me, I finally realised what I was doing and how my destructive behaviour was hurting a lot of people including myself, and how ultimately how it helped in the short term, in the long term it wasn't helping at all.
    You can turn things around, it sure as hell won't be easy and you will probably need some help from medication and therapists along the way but you can do it. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there Milou and welcome to thesite :wave:

    I’m sorry to hear you have been having such a tough time at the moment *hug* It sounds like you have a great support network of family and friends and it is positive that you have been able to open up to them about how you are feeling. It is particularly positive that you realise that your issues with food may be triggering your depression and self harm as being aware of these problems is the first step in being able to confront them. We have some articles on thesite that you may find useful about eating disorders and where to find help.


    I don’t think it would be at all inadequate to simply say sorry and thank you to your uni friend, she clearly cares about you and will just want you to be ok. You could tell her as much or a little as you feel comfortable with. Perhaps if it’s too hard to speak face to face, why not write her a letter?

    Just take things one step at a time. You have already made great progress by being open and honest about your feelings and it sounds like you are ready to start tackling them. It’s important to maintain this honesty when it comes to talking with your GP, if they know all of the factors affecting you then they are able to provide you with the best sort of treatment for you. Also with the uni work, if your lecturers are aware of the problems they will be more accommodating with you, they may give you an extension on the deadline for example. It may a good idea to get in touch with your tutor before you go back to uni to arrange a time to see them and discuss what you need to do. As GirlGunner has said they may be able to tell you the key things to focus on which will ease the pressure a bit.

    Try to stay positive and feel free to pop back whenever you need to talk :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for your responses, I have thought about what each of you said and tried to take your advice.
    I have made a commitment to myself that I will not overdose again, for my friends and family's sake rather than my own. However much pain I am in, they don't deserve that.
    I spoke to my friend and said that I was really sorry for putting her through everything that I did, her response was that she was just thankful that I'd come to her and please don't do it again! We didn't really go into detail about things and I don't know if we will, because I don't think she can really understand and I don't want to stress her out if it isn't going to help. I have other friends to talk to, so that's fine.
    I have seen my GP but didn't tell him about my food issues. I think I will wait until I am referred to the cmht or whoever because they will ask me and it will be easier to bring it up.
    I have also spoken to my university's mental health advisor who is organising support for me and I have had some deadlines moved. Despite all of this I'm still finding it really hard to get back into work. My work has been slipping since christmas and since I was in hospital I haven't done any. I can barely concentrate for half an hour before I am exhausted and I just don't know how to fix it.
    I am trying just to take things slow, just planning for a few days ahead so that I can cope with it. My biggest problem right now is work because I need to be working harder as I am so behind and exams are 4 weeks away, but I can't even work at a normal level.
    Thanks for your support.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey milou

    So glad to hear that things are getting a bit better for you.

    Its good to hear that you seem to have gotten positive reactions from your friends and from uni.

    Please keep in touch to let us know how things progress for you.

    Were always here.

    Phil :thumb:
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