Friendship entrophy

Former Member

So, I've had this problem my whole life. Over time, my friends seem to lose interest in my friendship. That's not to say, they're not friendly to me when I talk to them, but when I don't initiate a conversation, it will be a dead certainty that they will seldom ring me up and go 'Hey dude. Long time. How are you?'.

Or email me, or IM me, or even just comment on a facebook status... before facebook actually, I talked to people more - but because people update their status there is no reason for a quick chat anymore.

I have no trouble being social with new people, and in situations where I have a good opportunity to meet new people, I often develop a new 'wave' of friends (new schools, starting uni, etc.). I'm in my first real job now though, and unfortunately all of my colleagues are at least 5 if not closer to 15 years older than me and just doing different things.

So now I'm at a loss to meet and make new friends, whilst my existing friends (who I always seem to put a decent amount of effort in with, trust me) slowly drift away from me. I don't think I can stop this, because its not to do with how nice I am, or whether I'm putting effort in - its just because the people I know are moving on with their lives. To be honest, I don't live within 50 miles of the vast majority of my friends now so it's hardly a surprise.

So I guess the inevitability is to make new friends, and this is where I'm stuck. I have the social skills to talk to people, and get to know people on a friendly / acquaintance basis. Maybe not a close friends basis, but I just have to hope that comes later.

But I don't know the best way to meet strangers who I'm likely to get on with, and that's really my big problem. I know some people are good at going to pubs / bars and striking up conversations with strangers, but I guess I'm not great without an ice breaker or excuse to talk to them...

I think it's something that, going forward, if I don't get a handle on I could be 35 in 10 years with one or two 'distant' friends and nobody else. I don't want that.

Former Member

How much effort do you put in to keeping your friends?

Former Member

This happens a lot as people get older...circumstances no longer put you together at school or uni, people move away, focus on their career, end up with a family. Most people I was good friends with in my late teens/early 20s have moved on...some with families now, some living abroad making shitloads of money...just a fact of life I suppose.

Former Member

Fiend_85 wrote: »

How much effort do you put in to keeping your friends?

That's quite a subjective question, I would say 'More than they put into keeping me' - pretty much in every instance. I have -always- been the one that makes the phone calls or arranges the meetups, if I don't do that I probably won't hear from them in 6 months. I was at uni for 5 years and during that time I was only visited by friends twice, once was because he was nearby visiting his girlfriend, and another time because she needed some 'headspace' from her boyfriend (now ex).

Admittedly, I was 100 miles away, but even so out of 10 reasonably close and 5 extremely close friends from high-school, I would have hoped there would have been more of an effort over the time period. It's not like I didn't invite them, and they always said 'Yea! We should come visit!'; they just never followed through.

Former Member

Spliffie does make a good point. I had a fairly large group of friends when I left school, I only speak to two of them now. Same from university, from an even large group, I speak to less than 10 now. My older brother, who is an extremely charming and social man, tells me he counts his very close friends on one hand.

Cherish the close ones, nurture them, and remember that others will come and go with life.

Former Member

Sometimes people are meant to drift apart. I used to have (or think I had) a solid, small group of close friends. We would txt/call each other regularly and meet up every week at the very least.

Then I stopped going to the pub they went to (every single week) because i wa bored with it. Fair enough, they didn't like going into town, or anywhere else for that matter, so I didn't complain that they never did anything with me on a Saturday.

Then the txts dwindled and the calls stopped. I realised that the only reason they were all friends was because they all held one thing in common. I tried txting/calling and it was fine when i made the effort, but they never did. i tried organising drinks at mine or individual meets with each of them as i had never had a problem meeting individually before such as after work with Paul when everyone else was at uni or work but the plans always got cancelled or rearranged indefinitely. I now have 3 proper friends out of 10 who I keep in regular contact with.

My point is - Maybe you had one solid thing in common with your friends and that's gone now perhaps because of your new job or something silly. These people aren't meant to stay in your life. Friendship, like any relationship, is very much a 'meet in the middle' type thing. You'll meet people eventually and they'll drift but some will stay permanently. Those are your true friends!

Former Member

Did you copy and paste that from my post yesterday?

Indrid Cold

Fiend_85 wrote: »

Did you copy and paste that from my post yesterday?

Some spam bots will do that, so that they will seem to be real people posting for a while before the spam itself comes.

Former Member

The friends I had drifted away from me, I used to care, but I'm honestly over being shitted on in respects of constantly making the effort, then reading a snotty status on facebook when they've cancelled on me thousands of times and don't realise the irony in their behaviour when it happens to them - with their new friends I got ditched over.

You can use websites like Meetup.com - you have the social skills, and you can post a few icebreakers before meeting someone in the flesh (usually as a group of people).

Starry night

I have found that people naturally drift, but somehow you keep in contact with the really amazing ones. I am happy with my circle of friends but would say that I have only have two really good friends that I trust completely. If people drift, it means you have more time for new, and probably better people that you will be happier around.
Hope things work out :wave:*hug*

Former Member

Indrid Cold wrote: »

Some spam bots will do that, so that they will seem to be real people posting for a while before the spam itself comes.

That's a new one to me. But having looked at the post history, it shows up.