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Advice Please?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My dad passed away 5 weeks ago.
Please can someone tell me if it's normal to feel really overwhelmed by really intense emotions and then completely numb the next?
This is the first person in my life that I've been close to that's died and I'm not sure what's a normal reaction? Also, how long do the intense rollercoaster of emotions last? I feel that maybe I should be over it now?
Any advice would be very much appreciated...
WhiteLillies
Please can someone tell me if it's normal to feel really overwhelmed by really intense emotions and then completely numb the next?
This is the first person in my life that I've been close to that's died and I'm not sure what's a normal reaction? Also, how long do the intense rollercoaster of emotions last? I feel that maybe I should be over it now?
Any advice would be very much appreciated...
WhiteLillies
0
Comments
Firstly welcome to TheSite. :wave:
Sorry you've had such a tough time over the last few weeks.
I'd guess there is no 'right' way to be feeling right now, and as you say the rollercoaster of emotions is probably a natural reaction to what you've experienced.
Reaching out and speaking to others or offloading when things feel like there getting on top of you is important. Do you have any family members you can speak to that might be able to offer comfort and share some memories and stories about your dad as that can be healing in itself.
The section here on The Site regarding grief might be a good place to start for more understanding and reassurance that your feeling in itself is noral. Here is bit of what is contained on that section below...
http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/wellbeing/lookingafteryourself/dealingwithdeath
The BBC also has some useful links to other organistions that deal specificially with bereavement. It might be worthwhile checking those out too.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/support/bereavement_usefulcontacts_index.shtml
Keep posting and let us know how things get on.
B
I can't talk to my family...emotions get in the way and I just end up getting angry because I can't handle their emotions on top of my own. I also can't talk to my friends because they don't understand and just keep telling me it will go back to normal soon.
I also feel I have to tell everyone I'm ok because if I admit that it isn't ok, then I'm scared I'll fall apart, but I want someone to hug me and tell me it's ok not to be the strong one for once because it's so hard...sometimes it's so overwhelming that I just want it to end :-( but I know it's not the answer.
There are supposed to be the five "classic" stages, which if you don't know, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They have seemed to have held true, but they are not in practice distinct and exclusive from each other. You can have angry bargaining, depressive denial, and more-over some of these things are sub-concious. I remember very clearly having nightmares about my mum still being alive, and the reason they were nightmares and not dreams is because my family were keeping her from me, she was in on it, and it was a test and a joke. They were laughing at my pain.
There is no right or wrong way to feel. But I can almost guarantee that if you can hold on, and work through it, you'll be just fine. Still missing him to be sure, but just fine.
Do you know anyone at all that's gone through losing a parent? Even if they're not a particularly close friend? I was incredibly lucky in that two of my closest friends had lost their mothers and so they were able to support me from an understanding point of view. The most helpful thing to hear from one of them was "It's shit. It's always going to be shit."
This "being strong" thing is something that bugs me - everyone who's not gone through it always says it to you when they see how you are "coping" with the grief. It has nothing to do with being strong - you do it because you have to, because it's the only option. Yes, I guess to them you are being strong, but it's just such a misunderstanding of the concept that it's frustrating.
This roller coaster of emotions is something that can go on for a while. Apart from the immediate aftermath of my Dad's death, the really strong emotions didn't hit me until about four months later, when there was one morning that I couldn't face getting out of bed (which is really unlike me!). It was at this point that I approached the uni counselling service, and luckily had a good experience with it. It wasn't all sweetness and light, but it set me back on the right path and healed some wounds. Zoom on a few months and the first anniversary of his death was a struggle, but that also passed. Fast forward to almost a year later, and I went back into counselling, including a bereavement group, as I was struggling. That's now two and a half years ago, and generally i've found that whilst I have some sad points (and not always when you'd expect them) they are less often and less severe.
What I find important is to allow yourself the downtime to feel these emotions. There is nothing wrong with feeling them, they're a natural reaction. I've fallen apart, but I've always managed to successfully put myself back together - sometimes on my own, sometimes with help - and have learnt from and am better for the experience of it.
Keep posting here - we're more than willing to be the ones giving you a hug and telling you it's okay not to be strong for once.
Just wanted to drop in and say that as well as the heartfelt personal replies you've had here, you might also be interested in taking a look at some of the personal stories on TheSite.org's Step Finder... There's a couple on dealing with grief written by a young woman who lost her sister and then put off getting help for a very long time. She describes her experiences frankly and with positive reflection.
Part 1 - Struggling to admit my feelings of grief.
Part 2 - Barriers to getting the support I needed.
Glad you've found us.
My mum died last year- in two weeks it will be the anniversary of her death.
I can completely understand where you're coming from here; after my mum died my family expected me to pick up the pieces for them and other people weren't familiar with the situation and it can lead you to feel quite isolated. It's hard, but it really is okay to admit that you're not okay, whether that is being totally honest with your family or with someone else like your GP. I found that my GP was one of the few people who gave the best support in the early weeks and pointed me to services most appropriate to me and my situation at the time. As other people have said, there's no “normal” way for you to be feeling and you shouldn't just be over it. It's such a cliché and I hated people saying it to me, but it takes time, but very very gradually things will start to feel easier and more manageable and it will also become easier to talk about. Yes, some times will be harder than others but you have to just allow for that, as stupid as that sounds.
Don’t hate yourself or feel disappointed in yourself because you're upset and feel overwhelmed by emotions, loosing someone close to you is awful and no one can expect you to be strong 24/7, sadly we're only human and sometimes things do get too much and we need help.
I don't know if you’ve already been given the details for supportline, but I've found them very helpful - 01708 765200 or info@supportline.org.uk.
I don't have any friends that have lost a parent and I don't think any of my friends have lost anyone through suicide so I can't talk to them about either aspect.
I can't believe how accurately the above articles would describe how I feel.
I am learning to accept that I have to allow myself to feel sad/angry/guilty etc but I won't do it in front of anyone and that's hard because you end up feeling isolated and like no-one cares...but all I really want is for someone to hug me and let me cry/rant/offload without actually telling me that I will be fine but I know that i'm not really giving anyone the chance to.
I hadn't considered my GP...I just assumed they sign you off work and refer you to counselling and/or give you meds of some sort. I haven't heard of supportline so I will look into that - thank you :-)
I never thought it was possible to miss someone so much but it's a strange emotion to explain to people who haven't been through it.
Before this I've never been in a situation where I've felt suicidal but reading all your comments makes me realise if I can get through this, I can get through anything and that I just have to accept that it is ok to have crap days...
Once again, thank you for all your support and info :-)
How have you found this weekend to be?
You may find that your friends who don't appear to understand could appreciate you telling them how they can help. They may be there wondering what they can do, without realising that what you actually want is just a hug. Is there anyone you're close enough to whom you can just say "i'd appreciate a hug, please"?
I just wanted to emphasise this. Your friends will want to help, but some of them will assume you want space, some of them assume you want company, some of them are going to be wrong, so I would heavily recommend being clear with them about how you appreciate their concern, and what you need them to do to help.
I had a friend take me to McDonalds for a milkshake once. I asked her for help, and she took me away to have some quiet time with no expectations of conversation. We sat in the carpark and only talked a little, it was just right for that instance.
My weekend was pretty up and down....we are house hunting and found a house I loved but have now been told it's no longer available :-(
The weekends seem to be when it hits my mum the hardest so it's been tough trying to keep it together for her.
Went back to work today....was much better than I thought. Everyone was really supportive (probably more so now than before when I tried to carry on) but it was hard when my colleagues who knew my dad would tell me how lovely he was and how sad it is...nice to know they thought highly of him though.
I have tried to explain to my friends that my life won't go back to normal but I will have to learn to live with it which I think has made them realise the true impact but it's hard to fully understand when they haven't been in that situation and I understand that.
The only other person I could speak to is my manager but I get the feeling she thinks I should be getting on with things now, so in my return to work I told her I was fine and had no choice not to be which wasn't completely true but I'm sure I will be.
It really helps having people on here who understand where I'm coming from and I really appreciate all the advice.
I think I'm just struggling with the whole "moving on and starting a new life" thing...I never thought it was possible to miss someone so much and I just wish that I had listened to him on that morning because then maybe I could have said or done something to prevent this from happening...
Thanks for the update from your weekend and time back in work - you're doing really well, don't forget that! As everyone has said already, it's a slow process, things are going to be hard at times and memories are going to hit you when you least expect it. Work sounds like a good space though? Your manager is a good place to start if you feel you need some time out, or is there a support line that your place of work offers that you can use confidentially?
Hang on in there and keep talking - you'll get there *hug*
I just want to curl up and sleep until it all goes away...instead I can't even get a normal full nights sleep...
Everyone is really miserable and it's making me really unhappy too...I just want it to all go away :-(
Dp
I keep having panic attacks...I have never had them before and they are really frightening. I don't want to go to the doctors in case they think I'm mad or something :-(
Any ideas why I may be getting them now!?
as to why you are getting them well it could be part of your grief reaction, a coping thing or they may be no explanation at all. Don't beat yourself up for it. Yes its terrifying but when one hits then if you can get to a place you feel safe, if you can sit down and concentrate on your breathing use a paper bag if you need to and when the attack is over give yourself some me time do something you enjoy whatever that might be
:yes: I think you're right.
WhiteLillies, panic attacks are more common than you might think and a doctor is unlikely to think you're mad. Mind has lots of information and reassurance about panic attacks that you might find helpful to read. Be kind to yourself. *hug*
It doesn't have to be your doctor and pills, or counselling and bedrest, but don't do it alone without some support.
Sorry...I haven't been in a situation before where I've felt such intense emotions all at once and I didn't know grief could cause things like panic attacks...it's horrible not feeling in control.
Keep on talking, keep on coming back to us. Talk to your people out there in reality town, they'll give you the physical comfort that we can't. And remember, you will be ok eventually.
I tried listening to music last night before going to bed...It helped in getting me to sleep but I still wake up at stupid times of the night and I don't feel like I've had any proper sleep.
I am trying to do things I used to enjoy as well like seeing friends, cinema, reading, etc but i'm finding it difficult because at the same time I'm trying to be an emotional support for my mum and sister and trying to please them...
don't understand and just keep telling me it will go back to normal soon.
Fiend gave you some great advice there. Have you looked into herbal sleeping remedies? Something like either some lavender oil dropped on your pillow to promote good sleep, or even some melatonin supplements (which are unfortunately not available in the UK but you can get them from America).
Supporting others while you are struggling is a challenge - it can be good for you to give others advice and thus see how to apply it yourself, but sometimes it can get a bit too much. Have your mum and sis got anyone else that they can turn to?
My mum and sister seem to rely on each other...me and my mum had a conversation last night re events surrounding my dads suicide...she said something that sounded like she was blaming both of us, also been having arguments with other family members so i've slipped back into my habit of working 10 hour days to hide but quite honestly I don't want to be at work either because of how stressful my role is...I just want to get on a plane somewhere and never come back...
I know I sound like I'm going back and forth between things being fine and then the complete opposite but that's how things seem to be going at the moment...
Getting some time out of the house sounds like a good plan, however from what you've said work isn't the best place to have that time. Are you a member of a gym? Do you like swimming? Going to the gym, or for a swim or a run might help get some space that's not also piling on extra stress.
The options there kind of depend what you're into. Blame is a perfectly natural part of the greiving process. It doesn't make it any easier, but it's to be expected. People's natural reaction when things go wrong is to look for someone to blame, be that on a tiny scale, or a national scale (the recent fuel issues being an example there).
Do you play a musical instrument? Even if you haven't played for years, that can be a really good escape, because it needs lots of concentration so stops your brain wandering elsewhere.
I don't really play a musical instrument but I have always wanted to learn to play the piano so maybe now is as good a time as any...
Try swimming. Chuck your stuff in your bag and go on the way to/from work sometime, or any other time.
Odds on it will also help your sleeping, so it's a win all round.