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Advice Please?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My dad passed away 5 weeks ago.
Please can someone tell me if it's normal to feel really overwhelmed by really intense emotions and then completely numb the next?
This is the first person in my life that I've been close to that's died and I'm not sure what's a normal reaction? Also, how long do the intense rollercoaster of emotions last? I feel that maybe I should be over it now?
Any advice would be very much appreciated...

WhiteLillies
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi WhiteLillies

    Firstly welcome to TheSite. :wave:

    Sorry you've had such a tough time over the last few weeks.

    I'd guess there is no 'right' way to be feeling right now, and as you say the rollercoaster of emotions is probably a natural reaction to what you've experienced.

    Reaching out and speaking to others or offloading when things feel like there getting on top of you is important. Do you have any family members you can speak to that might be able to offer comfort and share some memories and stories about your dad as that can be healing in itself.

    The section here on The Site regarding grief might be a good place to start for more understanding and reassurance that your feeling in itself is noral. Here is bit of what is contained on that section below...
    What is grief? After someone close to you dies, you go through a process of mourning. Grief is the visible sign of that mourning and encompasses a wide range of physical and emotional symptoms that you experience after a loss. It is vital to let your feelings out as by bottling them up will only lead to emotional problems in the future.


    Grieving for a loved one takes time. We all go through the process in different ways, and often experience conflicting or even overwhelming feelings, but slowly life will become more bearable.


    The important thing is to get support from people you trust. Your family and friends all understand what you're dealing with, and will want to help. Exactly how is down to you. Whether you want to talk about your feelings, reflect on your loss, or simply get out to take your mind off things, just do whatever feels right and makes you feel better. And remember to keep in touch with your doctor. If you are having sleeping problems, your doctor may prescribe sleeping tablets or may refer you to a counsellor if you feel the need for more help to cope with a loss.


    How long will it take? The grieving process takes time and should not be hurried. How long it will take depends on you and your situation. In general, though, it takes most people one to two years to fully recover from a major bereavement. It's common to feel especially vulnerable at times such as their birthday, the anniversary of their death, and during the Christmas holidays.

    http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/wellbeing/lookingafteryourself/dealingwithdeath

    The BBC also has some useful links to other organistions that deal specificially with bereavement. It might be worthwhile checking those out too.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/support/bereavement_usefulcontacts_index.shtml

    Keep posting and let us know how things get on.

    B :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for the information, it is reassuring to know that it's "normal".

    I can't talk to my family...emotions get in the way and I just end up getting angry because I can't handle their emotions on top of my own. I also can't talk to my friends because they don't understand and just keep telling me it will go back to normal soon.

    I also feel I have to tell everyone I'm ok because if I admit that it isn't ok, then I'm scared I'll fall apart, but I want someone to hug me and tell me it's ok not to be the strong one for once because it's so hard...sometimes it's so overwhelming that I just want it to end :-( but I know it's not the answer.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello. Just to give you a quick background on me. My mother died when I was 11, it was cancer, and she was sick for a long time. We knew it was coming, but that doesn't always help. I've seen a few friends deal with the loss of a parent, some sudden, some not. The one major thing to take from it is that they all dealt with it differently.

    There are supposed to be the five "classic" stages, which if you don't know, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They have seemed to have held true, but they are not in practice distinct and exclusive from each other. You can have angry bargaining, depressive denial, and more-over some of these things are sub-concious. I remember very clearly having nightmares about my mum still being alive, and the reason they were nightmares and not dreams is because my family were keeping her from me, she was in on it, and it was a test and a joke. They were laughing at my pain.

    There is no right or wrong way to feel. But I can almost guarantee that if you can hold on, and work through it, you'll be just fine. Still missing him to be sure, but just fine.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi WhiteLillies,

    Do you know anyone at all that's gone through losing a parent? Even if they're not a particularly close friend? I was incredibly lucky in that two of my closest friends had lost their mothers and so they were able to support me from an understanding point of view. The most helpful thing to hear from one of them was "It's shit. It's always going to be shit."

    This "being strong" thing is something that bugs me - everyone who's not gone through it always says it to you when they see how you are "coping" with the grief. It has nothing to do with being strong - you do it because you have to, because it's the only option. Yes, I guess to them you are being strong, but it's just such a misunderstanding of the concept that it's frustrating.

    This roller coaster of emotions is something that can go on for a while. Apart from the immediate aftermath of my Dad's death, the really strong emotions didn't hit me until about four months later, when there was one morning that I couldn't face getting out of bed (which is really unlike me!). It was at this point that I approached the uni counselling service, and luckily had a good experience with it. It wasn't all sweetness and light, but it set me back on the right path and healed some wounds. Zoom on a few months and the first anniversary of his death was a struggle, but that also passed. Fast forward to almost a year later, and I went back into counselling, including a bereavement group, as I was struggling. That's now two and a half years ago, and generally i've found that whilst I have some sad points (and not always when you'd expect them) they are less often and less severe.

    What I find important is to allow yourself the downtime to feel these emotions. There is nothing wrong with feeling them, they're a natural reaction. I've fallen apart, but I've always managed to successfully put myself back together - sometimes on my own, sometimes with help - and have learnt from and am better for the experience of it.

    Keep posting here - we're more than willing to be the ones giving you a hug and telling you it's okay not to be strong for once.
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Hey WhiteLillies,
    Just wanted to drop in and say that as well as the heartfelt personal replies you've had here, you might also be interested in taking a look at some of the personal stories on TheSite.org's Step Finder... There's a couple on dealing with grief written by a young woman who lost her sister and then put off getting help for a very long time. She describes her experiences frankly and with positive reflection.

    Part 1 - Struggling to admit my feelings of grief.

    Part 2 - Barriers to getting the support I needed.

    Glad you've found us. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi WhiteLillies,

    My mum died last year- in two weeks it will be the anniversary of her death.
    I can't handle their emotions on top of my own. I also can't talk to my friends because they don't understand and just keep telling me it will go back to normal soon.

    I can completely understand where you're coming from here; after my mum died my family expected me to pick up the pieces for them and other people weren't familiar with the situation and it can lead you to feel quite isolated. It's hard, but it really is okay to admit that you're not okay, whether that is being totally honest with your family or with someone else like your GP. I found that my GP was one of the few people who gave the best support in the early weeks and pointed me to services most appropriate to me and my situation at the time. As other people have said, there's no “normal” way for you to be feeling and you shouldn't just be over it. It's such a cliché and I hated people saying it to me, but it takes time, but very very gradually things will start to feel easier and more manageable and it will also become easier to talk about. Yes, some times will be harder than others but you have to just allow for that, as stupid as that sounds.

    Don’t hate yourself or feel disappointed in yourself because you're upset and feel overwhelmed by emotions, loosing someone close to you is awful and no one can expect you to be strong 24/7, sadly we're only human and sometimes things do get too much and we need help.

    I don't know if you’ve already been given the details for supportline, but I've found them very helpful - 01708 765200 or info@supportline.org.uk.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for the replies...it's definitely helped knowing that I'm not mad and that how I feel is just a normal response.

    I don't have any friends that have lost a parent and I don't think any of my friends have lost anyone through suicide so I can't talk to them about either aspect.

    I can't believe how accurately the above articles would describe how I feel.

    I am learning to accept that I have to allow myself to feel sad/angry/guilty etc but I won't do it in front of anyone and that's hard because you end up feeling isolated and like no-one cares...but all I really want is for someone to hug me and let me cry/rant/offload without actually telling me that I will be fine but I know that i'm not really giving anyone the chance to.

    I hadn't considered my GP...I just assumed they sign you off work and refer you to counselling and/or give you meds of some sort. I haven't heard of supportline so I will look into that - thank you :-)

    I never thought it was possible to miss someone so much but it's a strange emotion to explain to people who haven't been through it.

    Before this I've never been in a situation where I've felt suicidal but reading all your comments makes me realise if I can get through this, I can get through anything and that I just have to accept that it is ok to have crap days...

    Once again, thank you for all your support and info :-)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We speak about him as a family in terms of remembering him but I won't open up to them about how I feel because I know how frustrating it is when they sound off at me. All the above responses have helped me massively and at the moment that's enough to keep me going as I've realised everything I feel is normal.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi WhiteLillies,

    How have you found this weekend to be?

    You may find that your friends who don't appear to understand could appreciate you telling them how they can help. They may be there wondering what they can do, without realising that what you actually want is just a hug. Is there anyone you're close enough to whom you can just say "i'd appreciate a hug, please"?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi WhiteLillies,

    How have you found this weekend to be?

    You may find that your friends who don't appear to understand could appreciate you telling them how they can help. They may be there wondering what they can do, without realising that what you actually want is just a hug. Is there anyone you're close enough to who you can just say "i'd appreciate a hug, please"?

    I just wanted to emphasise this. Your friends will want to help, but some of them will assume you want space, some of them assume you want company, some of them are going to be wrong, so I would heavily recommend being clear with them about how you appreciate their concern, and what you need them to do to help.

    I had a friend take me to McDonalds for a milkshake once. I asked her for help, and she took me away to have some quiet time with no expectations of conversation. We sat in the carpark and only talked a little, it was just right for that instance.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello

    My weekend was pretty up and down....we are house hunting and found a house I loved but have now been told it's no longer available :-(
    The weekends seem to be when it hits my mum the hardest so it's been tough trying to keep it together for her.
    Went back to work today....was much better than I thought. Everyone was really supportive (probably more so now than before when I tried to carry on) but it was hard when my colleagues who knew my dad would tell me how lovely he was and how sad it is...nice to know they thought highly of him though.
    I have tried to explain to my friends that my life won't go back to normal but I will have to learn to live with it which I think has made them realise the true impact but it's hard to fully understand when they haven't been in that situation and I understand that.
    The only other person I could speak to is my manager but I get the feeling she thinks I should be getting on with things now, so in my return to work I told her I was fine and had no choice not to be which wasn't completely true but I'm sure I will be.
    It really helps having people on here who understand where I'm coming from and I really appreciate all the advice.
    I think I'm just struggling with the whole "moving on and starting a new life" thing...I never thought it was possible to miss someone so much and I just wish that I had listened to him on that morning because then maybe I could have said or done something to prevent this from happening...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there WhiteLillies,

    Thanks for the update from your weekend and time back in work - you're doing really well, don't forget that! As everyone has said already, it's a slow process, things are going to be hard at times and memories are going to hit you when you least expect it. Work sounds like a good space though? Your manager is a good place to start if you feel you need some time out, or is there a support line that your place of work offers that you can use confidentially?

    Hang on in there and keep talking - you'll get there *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am really lucky to have my manager...I guess I should be more upfront and honest with her.

    I just want to curl up and sleep until it all goes away...instead I can't even get a normal full nights sleep...

    Everyone is really miserable and it's making me really unhappy too...I just want it to all go away :-(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wish he was here in person :-(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    WhiteLillies *hug* hang in there. Have you thought about asking your go for something to help you sleep better on a temporary basis? Even if they can suggest some relaxation?

    Dp :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hadn't but I will consider it...

    I keep having panic attacks...I have never had them before and they are really frightening. I don't want to go to the doctors in case they think I'm mad or something :-(

    Any ideas why I may be getting them now!?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hope that if you went to your doctor they wouldn't make you feel like you were mad and would give you support and there are some meds which can help a lot with panic attacks.

    as to why you are getting them well it could be part of your grief reaction, a coping thing or they may be no explanation at all. Don't beat yourself up for it. Yes its terrifying but when one hits then if you can get to a place you feel safe, if you can sit down and concentrate on your breathing use a paper bag if you need to and when the attack is over give yourself some me time do something you enjoy whatever that might be
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    mantha16 wrote: »
    as to why you are getting them well it could be part of your grief reaction, a coping thing or they may be no explanation at all. Don't beat yourself up for it.

    :yes: I think you're right.

    WhiteLillies, panic attacks are more common than you might think and a doctor is unlikely to think you're mad. Mind has lots of information and reassurance about panic attacks that you might find helpful to read. Be kind to yourself. *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're in no danger of any backlash because you've had a few panic attacks. Talking to your doctor can help, they can give you some advice about how to deal with them. I remember reading some time ago that a major bereavement causes your brain to receive the same pain signals as a badly broken leg. Can find the article now. But if you feel like you're not doing it right, try to imagine what you'd say to a friend who wasn't getting help if they'd broken their leg, what you would say if they were trying to walk on it without it being in a cast. And then remember that not getting help when you're dealing with the loss of your father is almost the same thing.

    It doesn't have to be your doctor and pills, or counselling and bedrest, but don't do it alone without some support.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for the info...

    Sorry...I haven't been in a situation before where I've felt such intense emotions all at once and I didn't know grief could cause things like panic attacks...it's horrible not feeling in control.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It is horrible, but we're never really in control are we? It's ok to not be. Panic attacks, paranoia, nightmares, and so on are all negative things that you may have to deal with. I never had panic attacks, but I had a lot of nightmares, every night, sometimes twice for a year or more.

    Keep on talking, keep on coming back to us. Talk to your people out there in reality town, they'll give you the physical comfort that we can't. And remember, you will be ok eventually.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey WhiteLillies, how's things going? Are you managing to sleep any better? If not perhaps try some relaxation techniques, it's really important you're looking after yourself and getting a good nights sleep is all part of this. *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello
    I tried listening to music last night before going to bed...It helped in getting me to sleep but I still wake up at stupid times of the night and I don't feel like I've had any proper sleep.
    I am trying to do things I used to enjoy as well like seeing friends, cinema, reading, etc but i'm finding it difficult because at the same time I'm trying to be an emotional support for my mum and sister and trying to please them...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I also can't talk to my friends because they
    don't understand and just keep telling me it will go back to normal soon.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi WhiteLillies,

    Fiend gave you some great advice there. Have you looked into herbal sleeping remedies? Something like either some lavender oil dropped on your pillow to promote good sleep, or even some melatonin supplements (which are unfortunately not available in the UK but you can get them from America).

    Supporting others while you are struggling is a challenge - it can be good for you to give others advice and thus see how to apply it yourself, but sometimes it can get a bit too much. Have your mum and sis got anyone else that they can turn to?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know this sounds weird but I have one of those "hotties" things that you put in the microwave and smells like lavendar...which has helped, plus I've stopped eating chocolate and started listening to music to get me to sleep...it hasn't been a miracle cure by any means but it's calming which stops the nightmares and panic attacks...

    My mum and sister seem to rely on each other...me and my mum had a conversation last night re events surrounding my dads suicide...she said something that sounded like she was blaming both of us, also been having arguments with other family members so i've slipped back into my habit of working 10 hour days to hide but quite honestly I don't want to be at work either because of how stressful my role is...I just want to get on a plane somewhere and never come back...

    I know I sound like I'm going back and forth between things being fine and then the complete opposite but that's how things seem to be going at the moment...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's completely normal to swing between things being fine and things not being fine. As time goes on that swing will beging to settle down and the 'normal' bits inbetween the swings will get longer. However, in the mean time that's not a lot of help to you.

    Getting some time out of the house sounds like a good plan, however from what you've said work isn't the best place to have that time. Are you a member of a gym? Do you like swimming? Going to the gym, or for a swim or a run might help get some space that's not also piling on extra stress.

    The options there kind of depend what you're into. Blame is a perfectly natural part of the greiving process. It doesn't make it any easier, but it's to be expected. People's natural reaction when things go wrong is to look for someone to blame, be that on a tiny scale, or a national scale (the recent fuel issues being an example there).

    Do you play a musical instrument? Even if you haven't played for years, that can be a really good escape, because it needs lots of concentration so stops your brain wandering elsewhere.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I might start swimming again...I used to go all the time and it will give me a couple of hours to myself.

    I don't really play a musical instrument but I have always wanted to learn to play the piano so maybe now is as good a time as any...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's a good attitude.

    Try swimming. Chuck your stuff in your bag and go on the way to/from work sometime, or any other time.

    Odds on it will also help your sleeping, so it's a win all round.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Absolutely, exercise releases all kinds of lovely chemicals to make you feel nicer, it's will help tire you out physically, and it's nice and anti-social, giving you a chance to be alone without looking like a tosser.
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