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Sex is painful...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi guys, just wondered if you could offer any advice.

I've been with my boyfriend for over three years now, and I still find sex painful.

My boyfriend has difficulty penetrating me and says that I'm too tight. Is there anyway I could fix this problem?

I have been to my GP, she basically said "practice makes perfect" in my case, it doesn't

Any advice will be great.

Thanks in advance!

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there shy_girl,

    This seems to have been an ongoing issue for you, as you say you still feel pain after 3 years with your partner. Painful sex can occur for many reasons. Once you feel you have tried different ways to feel less pain (for example more lubrication), then it could be a good idea to visit your GP again. Perhaps a trip to the GUM clinic to get things checked out, just in case, could be the next way to go.

    What is also important is to make sure you communicate well with your boyfriend, so that when it hurts you, there is no pressure to continue or try harder.

    Do let us know how you get on :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi

    Me and my partner do communicate very well, when it does hurt he does stop, then we've left it for a while and tried again.

    I don't about visiting my GP as I feel, if I do go, I'll be wasting their time with something minor, when they have other people with serious illnesses to deal with.
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    shy_girl wrote: »
    Hi

    Me and my partner do communicate very well, when it does hurt he does stop, then we've left it for a while and tried again.

    I don't about visiting my GP as I feel, if I do go, I'll be wasting their time with something minor, when they have other people with serious illnesses to deal with.

    In which case, Gum clinic is the way forward as dealing with sexual health is exactly what they're there for :)

    There are a few non STI infections that can lead to painful sex so they'll be able to do a quick examination to identify if that's part of the problem and then of course give you treatment to overcome them if needed. It might sound like a scary prospect, but nothing beats the piece of mind you get in return. Let us know if there's anything else that is worrying you about going and we'll do our best to put your mind at rest! :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    shy_girl wrote: »
    Hi

    Me and my partner do communicate very well, when it does hurt he does stop, then we've left it for a while and tried again.

    I don't about visiting my GP as I feel, if I do go, I'll be wasting their time with something minor, when they have other people with serious illnesses to deal with.

    Don't feel silly about seeing your GP. I had a similar problem for two years and it all but destroyed the relationship I was in. In the end it turned out that it was entirely psychological, and that after the first couple of times, I was expecting the pain and so wasn't relaxing, and it hurt. Vicious cycle. I saw so, so many doctors before they finally referred me to a gynaecologist, who told me there was nothing physically wrong and suggested I get some dilators (on prescription).

    With those, you lube them, and then hold them inside yourself for I-don't-remember-how-long, to get your body used to it. Then you go up to the next size. It's to kind of prove that you CAN have something in there without there being pain. It didn't totally rid me of the relaxation problem, but it helped us realise that it could be done.

    What do you do for foreplay? Have you tried a massage beforehand? I find them both super relaxing and a massive turn on, which also doesn't hurt :D. Make sure you're in a position where you're comfortable - my ex used to try and get me to go on top and that just made me tense up more because even if he accepted that I didn't want to, I felt like I was letting him down.

    That said, the first time it didn't hurt was when I was on top. But that time? It was me initiating it, and me taking control, and I think that was why. The part where the fact that it didn't hurt made me have a big ol' panic attack on top of him wasn't great, but knowing that it was absolutely possible was amazing.

    I still have problems with the pain, and I have to explain to all new partners that I need them to go slowly at first (every time - sadface :() just so that I know I'm relaxed enough to take it, but it is so, so much better. At my worst I was in tears every time we even tried. I'm actually dreading the next time I have sex because it's been so long that I expect I'll be a bit stressed out.

    Keep trying *hug*.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't feel silly about seeing your GP. I had a similar problem for two years and it all but destroyed the relationship I was in. In the end it turned out that it was entirely psychological, and that after the first couple of times, I was expecting the pain and so wasn't relaxing, and it hurt. Vicious cycle. I saw so, so many doctors before they finally referred me to a gynaecologist, who told me there was nothing physically wrong and suggested I get some dilators (on prescription).

    With those, you lube them, and then hold them inside yourself for I-don't-remember-how-long, to get your body used to it. Then you go up to the next size. It's to kind of prove that you CAN have something in there without there being pain. It didn't totally rid me of the relaxation problem, but it helped us realise that it could be done.

    What do you do for foreplay? Have you tried a massage beforehand? I find them both super relaxing and a massive turn on, which also doesn't hurt :D. Make sure you're in a position where you're comfortable - my ex used to try and get me to go on top and that just made me tense up more because even if he accepted that I didn't want to, I felt like I was letting him down.

    That said, the first time it didn't hurt was when I was on top. But that time? It was me initiating it, and me taking control, and I think that was why. The part where the fact that it didn't hurt made me have a big ol' panic attack on top of him wasn't great, but knowing that it was absolutely possible was amazing.

    I still have problems with the pain, and I have to explain to all new partners that I need them to go slowly at first (every time - sadface :() just so that I know I'm relaxed enough to take it, but it is so, so much better. At my worst I was in tears every time we even tried. I'm actually dreading the next time I have sex because it's been so long that I expect I'll be a bit stressed out.

    Keep trying *hug*.

    I feel like I'm not alone, as for being in tears, I'm sick of being in tears and having that feeling where I feel like I'm letting him down.

    I did go see a gynaecologist in 2009, he told me that I was very small. He also said he would write to my GP and if I wanted to I could get dilators on prescription. But, I feel alittle embarrassed, as I'm not the kind of person who you find in Ann Summers buying a vibrator! I think I'm a bit of a prude really when it comes to sex...

    About positions...because I have a motability problem it can be hard to find a posititon that actually works for us, and me being on top deffinately doesn't, but, I know it's personal perference.

    As for foreplay, I do enjoy it, and so does he, me touching him and so on...

    It's such a let down for both of us when we try and nothing seems to work :(
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Give the dilators a try. Honestly, it is nothing like a vibrator. It's just a tube of plastic that's designed to just sit there.

    Much as I hate to say it - the problem with your mobility probably isn't helping. Have you found any positions that you find comfortable? You don't need to be actually doing the deed, but experimenting with positioning might be worth a try. With foreplay, make sure you're really turned on, and use extra lubrication anyway, just to make it easier.

    Lastly - the worst thing you can do is allow yourself to feel like you're letting him down. I know it's hard, but all it's doing is piling on the pressure to make it work next time, which doesn't help with relaxation. This is absolutely not your fault and you shouldn't feel like it is :heart:
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Give the dilators a try. Honestly, it is nothing like a vibrator. It's just a tube of plastic that's designed to just sit there.

    Much as I hate to say it - the problem with your mobility probably isn't helping. Have you found any positions that you find comfortable? You don't need to be actually doing the deed, but experimenting with positioning might be worth a try. With foreplay, make sure you're really turned on, and use extra lubrication anyway, just to make it easier.

    Lastly - the worst thing you can do is allow yourself to feel like you're letting him down. I know it's hard, but all it's doing is piling on the pressure to make it work next time, which doesn't help with relaxation. This is absolutely not your fault and you shouldn't feel like it is :heart:

    We haven't found a position that really works, we try and experiment, but, it kind of takes away the moment if you know what I mean. It's very disheartening.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    shy_girl wrote: »
    We haven't found a position that really works, we try and experiment, but, it kind of takes away the moment if you know what I mean. It's very disheartening.

    That's kind of why I suggested that you don't need to be in the act to try positioning. Maybe explain to your other half that you would like to try and find a comfortable position for you to have sex in and that you want it to be without pressure. Maybe make a little game of it? Make it fun and relaxing and just about being comfortable around each other.

    I hope things are going better for you, anyway. *hug*
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