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no idea
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I feel so sad today about everything and there is no one to tell. If I tell my boyfriend it could ruin things, my mum's mind is on my gran and her health. I dont really think my hints are taken seriously about how unsure I am about everything and my future. Not sure what else to even do other than cry.
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Big hugs to you tonight. *hug*
It must be tough feeling like you have to go through this alone.
Is there any friend away from the home you can confide or talk things over with. Getting things off your chest can be a real healer.
Keep posting on here and let us know how things get on for you.
Remember, were always here on TheSite when you need a listening ear.
Phil :thumb:
i'm going to the gp today because i felt unable to leave the house yesterday and have been non stop crying. i am hoping i get a nice gp this time
the website said they are open from half 8. i rang the number no reply. got through and transferred to the gp side and told that everything is fully booked. no nurses either and that i should have rang at 8am. why
Were you able to get an appointment for tomorrow or later in the week?
On another note, have you ever tried calling supportline? The hours vary but might be worth trying out if you haven't before - http://www.supportline.org.uk/contact.php
It sounds like the big picture is getting you down, but are there any small things that you find help you to feel less sad? Have you been able to get out of the house for walks etc? *hug*
I think theyre one of those stupid surgeries where you can't make an advance appointment. You have to ring on the day so I'm ringing at 8am on the dot tomorrow in the hope I get somewhere. It did seem strange that they had run out of space completely at 8.45am though.
Teary day again and so havent been out anywhere. I feel really exhausted which just feeds into the guilt I feel for having not all that much to be stressed about and wondering why I'm not one of those people who just get on with it. I did make myself ring my placement to update them so I dont have to keep ringing in everyday and getting stressed. I didn't tell them the full story- just that I'm unwell and am still trying to get a drs apt and that it'd be unlikely that I'll be in this week.
It is a bit of an endless cycle. Feel shit and cry. Hide away. Feel shit for feeling like shit. And repeat.
My boyfriend came home from a hard day's work yesterday to find me crying on the sofa. He gave me a hug when I told him how guilty I felt for being a failure and told me that it isn't my fault that I have a low seratonin levels and offered to go to the GP with me before work the next day. It just made me cry more but in an unexpected way. In the past boyfriends have usually used my downtime as a reason to make a swift exit but he's been so nice. But it doesn't stop me worrying which feeds into the cycle of crap really.
Did you have any luck with the Docs today? What about an NHS walk-in centre - whilst they won't be able to fully help like a GP, at least you'd be assured to see someone. Are you able to change surgeries to one where you can get an appointment in advance rather than on the day - which may also allow you to see a good GP consistently?
Now I'm in no way saying that I know how you feel or what you're experiencing, but I can kind of get an idea where you're coming from with the guilt cycle. I think I remember posting in one of your other threads where you seemed to be taking the blame for something that wasn't your fault - it's an illness, so not your fault. Personally, I still have the odd remnants of feeling teary and down for no reason from a PTSD/complicated grief experience after my Dad died, and I too can touch on the guilt cycle and make myself feel worse. I think what I find helpful is being able to turn around and allow myself to feel down, and not worry that there isn't a particular reason or that I can't snap myself out of it. Difficult to do I know, but even just attempting to turn around and say "okay, I'm feeling down, I don't quite know why, but that's okay and I'll just ride it out" can help ease me sometimes. I also have a friend who quite often gets periods of being down and I think she finds it helpful when she comes to me about it and instead of trying to make her feel better I tell her that it's okay for her to feel a bit rubbish, that she doesn't have to be upbeat all the time...I think it helps cos she comes back to me for more advice in the future!
I think from the sounds of it, you expect your boyfriend to act like your exes due to past bad experiences - you've got to remember that your current boyfriend is not like any of your exes, and from how he acted last night I would suggest that he's not going to be an idiot and that you can confide in your boyfriend without it ruining things. Gaining this confidence in your current boyfriend is unfortunately something that isn't gonna change overnight, but start working towards that and hopefull that will get better
i managed to get seen today, he asked lots of family questions at first i think to get me talking because i got really teary and croaky. the end result is he is referring me to start counselling before prescribing anything. i understand that's how some doctors like to work but i just feel as though i've been through counselling enough and have chased most of the skeletons out of the closet. i wasn't silly enough to turn it down though.
i am a bit worried because he asked the usual family questions then got to the dad bit and i said 'he's dead'. which from an outsider's view might make me seem like a perfect candidate for counselling but i've been through all that before and i'm not going to talk about it again.
bit disappointed at not getting any pills even if it is just for the 'placebo' effect in the meantime.
my boyfriend was googling 'ways to raise seratonin levels' last night so he is definitely completely different from anyone else i've been with
i am feeling more like i want to drop out, i haven't had an email back from my personal tutor after i emailed to ask to speak about 'options'. so i resent that email to the head of the course on saturday and nada. bit aggravating because she's had time to go on the student facebook group and post things yet hasn't replied to my email. i know it would be a very good idea to take the initiative in ringing them but i'm not feeling upto using the phone right now without having a melt down.
i know i should concentrate on now and feeling better but i'd feel better if i had a plan
The biggest difference is that he can see you for who you are - he's not spending time with you and seeing just mental health issues - he's taking in the whole person, someone interesting, interested, creative and loving. As queenmab_roo says, gaining confidence in him is important, but not quite as important as having confidence that this is something you truly deserve because of who you are and you never deserved anything less than that. Obviously more easily said than done, but if you are able to start to believe that and find a sense in yourself of what it is he can see to have faith in you, then it might help you to recognise what you have to offer beyond your relationship with him and build your confidence in your abilities.
Going back to more pressing issues...in terms of your tutor - do you think if you had a print-out of your email in your hand then you would find it easier to say what you need to say on the phone without having a melt down?
What counselling have you been through? Sometimes I think the same as you, that I've done most of the talking and that it would just be revisiting things, but then at other times I think humans can benefit from having an objective view and a safe space in which to air things. You may also find that the new counsellor takes a different approach which could bring up some new things for you. Are pills the quick fix for you? Do you think they'd be a long term solution that treats the underlying cause, or do they just mask the symptoms?
Working in academia and with lots of academics, I know how frustrating it can be when they reply to the small, insignificant emails but not to the ones that are actually stopping you from doing work. There could be other reasons for the lack of reply - they may have approached other people to get more information and are then waiting on their response before coming back to you. Helen's suggestion of having what you want to say written down in front of you is a good one, would that work for you?
but maybe it's in their court now. i've 'informed' the uni now but it is still difficult not to dwell on it.
today i feel a weird tension in a band across my forehead and the skin around my eyes feels stretched. like my eyes are open but not really looking. i feel sad because the sunshine is out and people are enjoying it and living their normal lives and i feel stuck and tearful all of the time. i've had a break out on my face too so in a vain way it's adding to my feelings.
my boyfriend rang during his lunch break to see how i'm doing. i just kept almost crying. he was in town at the time and sounded so healthy and normal and i just feel alien to that right now.
the counselling i've had has been cbt, i feel i did okay in it and can second guess the advice and what i *should* perhaps be doing but in practice it's too difficult. i also had group therapy when i was in a psychiatric hospital i think, 4 years ago. i didn't really like that at all. the good thing is that when the counselling sessions start it is at the health centre which is just across the field from my house. so i dont even have to see anyone on the way if i dont have to. it isn't a huge effort getting to and from there.
pills do feel like the quick fix. i think because i prefer to think of it as a *real* illness that can be treated with medicine rather than something that's in my head. i like to think the chemicals i need in my brain like seratonin are running low. then i feel less guilty for feeling unable to leave the house or continue my course.
i have had the chance to speak to my mum and she just doesnt want me to make any rash decisions like dropping out of the course until i feel 'better'. i tried to explain to her that everytime i think about going back i feel anxious so surely that's an indicator but she disagreed. i just want a purpose in life to get up in the morning and not feel so inept at things i do.
Are you in a position to think back to a time when you were really enthusiastic about this course? What were your reasons for doing it? I can understand your mum's point about not making rash decisions until you are 'better', but on the other hand if it is the course/placement that is making you feel worse, then that's not really going to work. What are the options for taking a short break/time out? That way you could get yourself out of the situation, set yourself to rights and objectively assess whether you really want to stay on the course or not.
Counselling wise, I've never done CBT so don't really know what it entails. My experience of counselling have been talking therapies, EMDR (where you watch a repetitive movement and discuss the event/trauma, apparently allows your brain to process things) and group counselling. I think talking therapy is different to CBT. Maybe just having the opportunity to talk to an outsider with an objective viewpoint would help?
How are you doing with your confidence on the boyfriend side of things?
On a random aside, and slightly unconnected to the topic of this thread but something that you and others might find useful, I came across an online mentoring programme called Horses Mouth the other day. I was reading about your interests in social work and thought that this (though a voluntary programme) might be another avenue you could explore and possibly build your confidence in this area? It's online, so plays to your strengths of articulation online, but then perhaps the confidence you could gain from doing that would reflect itself in face-to-face contact? Obviously you can use it to find a mentor too, or not at all, but just though i'd bring it to your attention if you don't already know about it.
Hope you're doing okay today.
Yeah i completely agree with you that mental illness is a real illness. I know the thoughts I have are wrong and irrational but to me taking a pill right now is something more tangible rather than waiting for the counselling to start.
I think when I was really enthusiastic about the course happened when I got in. I seemed to jump through so many hurdles just to get in. Even studying throughout summer so I could get my Level 2 Numeracy which I needed to get in and I really really hate maths. It's frustrating because I'm not sure what my options are. This university seem so crap in comparison to where I studied for my first degree. I have emailed both my personal tutor and the head of dept repeatedly without getting a reply until yesterday, my personal tutor said she'd be happy to speak with me however if I am thinking of dropping out the head of dept would be the best person to speak to. Which would be great if she took the time to reply instead of posting on the Social Work group on facebook all day.
Counselling might help but I feel skeptical. I am hoping it won't be lots of cliches and I wont have to nod, agree and lie on the best courses of action because I know what I need to be an all rounded 'normal' person. It's just having the balls to do anything. My mum is visiting today which is great but I've left it all week to pick up a few bits from the local shop until today. Because I know someone will be with me.
My boyfriend is still being lovely which would make it harder if I lost him. I do think he deserves a girlfriend who can manage a normal job and a normal life.
Thanks for that website- I hadn't heard of it before. I've bookmarked it and am looking at some of the mentor profiles now. One of them reminds me of my mum because all her children have mental health problems. Poor lady
There are so many different types of counselling and it isn't all just about saying how you feel. Tell your counsellor this. I know what causes my meltdowns, I covered that in therapy years ago. I'm sure you're the same. Say you need help to use that knowledge to change your thought patterns. Easy for me to say, hard to do I know- I struggle even though I know it's the right thing to do.
I know what you mean. But I usually almost always seem to fall into the role of passive pleaser patient. If that makes sense. Just because it's easier. To nod and smile and say you feel better, even if you don't. Maybe it's because I don't want to leave the appointment feeling like a hopeless cause. I am hoping the Health Centre get back to me soon about the counselling. I dont want to stew any more than I have to
I think, whilst you might not be aware of exactly how counselling could help you, you are reasonably self-aware of what you won't find helpful. As Artic Roll said, you should tell your counsellor this. You should be the one "in control" in counselling, the counsellor is there to facilitate and guide you.
Glad you found the website useful - once I get back from my holiday I think i'm going to sign up on there to join in
Try not to worry too much about your boyfriend leaving you. From the few things you've posted here, he's not showing any signs of someone who is about to up and leave, so you have to try and remind yourself that this is your nervousness and not project it onto him. Very easy to say, more difficult to do, but something you need to try nonetheless. I can slip into paranoia quite easily, especially with boys, but it's something I consciously work to alleviate.
Okay - instead of dropping out of the course completely, could you look at transferring to another uni? Is this uni the only one that does your course? That's perhaps another option to consider. Also, with regards to the uni being rubbish, is the course content rubbish, or just the pastoral care? I was lucky enough to stay at the same uni for both my degrees, and the pastoral & disability care in my departments were excellent. If it's the pastoral care, have you considered complaining? I'm sure there are mechanisms for that.
Did they give you any indication of how long it would take the Health Centre to get back to you?
sorry for the really late response. I felt pretty hopeless and felt I was being ignored by my department really because even after I left the message she didn't ring me back. A bit of a breakthrough happened when I met up with my dyslexia advisor to discuss a 'placement support plan'. I told her how I was feeling and that I was seeing the doctor and she had a fair few good ideas including, if I have a note from the dr specifically saying I am being treated for depression then she can write to DSA and I could get a mentor to meet up with once a week with to keep me on track.
I did feel bad though and apologised to her because although she was coming up with really helpful ideas I just felt so low so it was difficult to be enthusiastic. She was just worried because she knows that referrals for counselling can sometimes take a while.
She emailed the head of my department to prompt her to see me urgently (the one I had emailed 3x and left an answerphone message through) and the head of dept responded to me that day. Surprise surprise. Making a bit of a lame excuse that she had replied to me but maybe I hadn't got it. Oh well. I am seeing her next week on Wednesday morning.
Despite all the support being offered by my dyslexia dept I do feel right now as though I may defer for a year. I think it'd be stupid to turn my back on it completely because I'm not really feeling myself. I know that I haven't been studying as much for a variety of reasons (inc. lack of motivation, low mood and probably just laziness) and am quite far behind. I am thinking about working for a year and getting extra money in. Easier said than done I know but it's good to have more of a plan.
In the meantime my boyfriend has been helping me make positive steps. We went for a long countryside walk on Sunday just to get out and he is encouraging me to go running which I've done twice now. I also had a haircut today and have been out walking in the sunshine so feel a lot better. Yesterday I made an appointment to give blood for the first time. I've been meaning to do this for ages.
I feel really good today but I know that I could easily dip back into feeling low. Feeling a bit fragile but I do just feel content today. The weather is really helping.
I have an appointment with the nurse tomorrow for a cervical scan which I'm dreading but will use that to ask the receptionists about how long a referral to counselling usually takes.
But yeah, thanks for everyone's replies.
where you can't make an advance appointment.
Sorry for not responding to your last message, I've been away a bit. How's the situation now?