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6 months on...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I thought I should bring this topic out of my thread in H&W and see if anyone might be able to be of help.

I broke up with my ex 6 months ago and we kept in contact for the first 3 months then I decided I couldn't hack it because I still wanted him as a friend and a lover but I knew that he didn't have the time for a relationship and the fact that he couldn't see how shit a thing his best friend had done to me (he professionally and personally slated me after firing me from managing his band, and since my confidence to do pretty much anything to do with music and having a social life has been shot).

So I cut him out of my life 3 months ago. But over the past few weeks I've been missing him. I've sat and dissected the reasons behind it and I decided to meet up for coffee. It went really well, although it made me miss him more. My heart sunk like a stone when he told me about his new girlfriend not because he has one but because from what he's told me about her she's pretty much everything I wish I could be, but anxiety etc stops me from doing.

I don't know what to do with myself right now, I'm off guys I just wanted to meet up with my ex as a friend and try and have a friendship at least but I feel so shit now, especially seeing as he seems to have changed quite a bit.

I suppose the whole experience made me just hate myself a bit for what I've become and for being so fucking headstrong...

What do I do now?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First of all, you don't want him as a friend. You want him as a lover, because right now, you could potentially call it a friendship, but you are devastated. Solution: stop meeting him again. So you did this already, but missed him and went back. To me this is usually a sign of being too little occupied with your own life. Not doing enough for uni, no job, or too little hours, or no satisfying job (no career opportunities), not meeting friends, not doing sports or not having hobbies. That's what makes people bored (a very subtle boredom) and makes them wish for relationships so they have to deal with someone else instead of themselves.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ouch

    But you're right...

    I got out 2 days a week to college and otherwise I get too anxious to go out on my own most of the time. Fucking vicious circle though and I don't know how to get out of it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    Ouch

    But you're right...

    I got out 2 days a week to college and otherwise I get too anxious to go out on my own most of the time. Fucking vicious circle though and I don't know how to get out of it.

    For the last two years I sat most days at home myself. The only reason I did not meet up ex-girlfriends is probably because there aren't any. An old friend of mine I wasn't in contact with for some time has a good radar for this and recently called me out on it. Now she is figuratively kicking my ass back in gear and I pretty much work or be in the university library picking up studying for my degree again which I did nothing for the past two years. I know exactly the bane of having too little things to do with your abundant leisure time, but it's not going to go away by itself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Solution: stop meeting him again. So you did this already, but missed him and went back. To me this is usually a sign of being too little occupied with your own life. Not doing enough for uni, no job, or too little hours, or no satisfying job (no career opportunities), not meeting friends, not doing sports or not having hobbies. That's what makes people bored (a very subtle boredom) and makes them wish for relationships so they have to deal with someone else instead of themselves.

    +1 :thumb:

    Sound advice.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's not abundant leisure time, it's sorting out the anxiety that's the problem. I don't know how I do it on my own...I want to be doing an OU course, working part time, making friends and stuff, but it's bloody difficult when I can't face being in town on my own
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    It's not abundant leisure time, it's sorting out the anxiety that's the problem. I don't know how I do it on my own...I want to be doing an OU course, working part time, making friends and stuff, but it's bloody difficult when I can't face being in town on my own

    I can't relate, sorry. Everything that ever held me back or prevented me from doing something was overcome by Nike: "Just Do It." I defy my crippling arachnophobia by watching and going near spiders. I would fight my fear of leaving the house (if I had it), by going out of the house, but staying nearby so I can return if need be. I'd go father every day until the problem went away. You don't need to tell me how hard Just Doing It can be. I know that. And I am sure some people have it harder than others. Still, the solution is always the same. Some things are still very difficult to me, but I think many of the problems we have are interconnected and when you start working on some of them, the others solve themselves too, or just stop being problems or it gives you the power to solve them.

    This at least is my take on things, because I am a bit old fashioned about therapies and medication. If others can do it, why shouldn't I too? Fake it until you make it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I do need to start off small, but it's not being out but being around lots of people that I find the hardest. Again i think you're right about solving this and then many other issues unravelling, but I think I need to break it all down into very small bits and work from there.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hugs*

    It's hard. Randomboy left me in November but we were still seeing each other weekly until he went to Vietnam a few weeks ago. I'm finding it very painful tbh. So I do relate to what you are going through.

    Do you get plenty done when you are at home? Are you still knitting? I find knitting very therapeutic and it can be done alone or in a group. Also I like to paint and use oil pastels to draw when I am alone. I do quite emotive pictures and find it helps me express myself.

    Do you have panic attacks? I recently read a good book called Panic Attacks by CHristine ingham. It was quite helpful.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tbh, I'm so exhausted by the physical pain I'm normally just knitting and watching TV or listening to the radio, and when I do have energy I'm normally being given orders by my mother. The house is still in a total disarray so there no space yet to get stuff done really - one of many reasons why I'm behind on my college work.

    I'm looking at local knitting groups, once my best friend has moved in (and I've taught her a bit) I'll go with her.

    I feel so bloody limited :,(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know what you mean. I can only go to familiar areas by myself and find that limiting enough. Always having to find people to rely on to move about. It must be much worse for you if you need someone to go anywhere.

    Knitting groups are great. I go to a couple of different ones. It took trying out a few to find my favourite. I met one of my now best friends at a knitting group last year.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can just about manage familiar places if they're not busy, but I'm still not familiar with the city centre and it always seems busy apart from in the evenings.

    I will get there, I hope!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know this may sound cheesy but eveything happens for a reason. I was in a very similar situation to you. My ex was really really a nasty piece of work. But I got to a really low point when I would do anything to get him back. So I tried to contact him but he just ignored me. So I had to leave it. A few months later, I met the most amazing guy I've ever met. He is literally the nicest guy.
    I know it's hard but you need to have complete closure from this guy and realise you are beautiful and amazing. You don't want or need to be anything but yourself; because you are amazing how you are. Plus wouldn't you rather have a boyfriend with amazing friends not someone with friends like this. After all, people are friends because their similar. I know it's really hard and I probably didn't make much sense, but just ride this trouble out. I promise it will all get better and you'll feel better and look back and be so glad. Hope all goes well :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you :)

    I'm getting there, I've just been writing an email to a friend and as I was writing it it just put some of it into perspective. Its loneliness. I need to get over that and become more confident on my own two feet before I do anything else...
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