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Would like some advice on dealing with breakup emotions.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi guys, nice to talk to you all again.

You guys read these threads every day, but I really appreciate you giving up your time to comment. I feel stuck in an emotion which feels empty, lost and intense all at the same time. I find myself laying on my back staring at the ceiling or sky enduring this ever changing blob of emotion in my stomach, confusing me.

I'm here because I broke up with my girlfriend of 5-6 years in November last year.

I feel quite confused with my life and emotionally lost. It feels as though someone has died.

I'm confused, confused how I feel about women, confused about life, confused about where i'm going or what i'm doing. Sometimes I feel like I have to pinch myself to see if i'm actually here. My mind and emotions feels like they've been turned upside down and all of the order and high entropy of what I knew has been smashed like a neat pile of books begin thrown to the floor.

I think we all want the fairy tale and now I'm questioning if that exists. I initiated the breakup and i'm still glad I did. She did not cheat on me and I did not cheat on her. She did however break my heart by putting me through some frustrating experiences and finally confessing she has no sexual feelings for me.

For the sake of wanting to explain... i'm not an unattractive guy, in fact i'm often told i'm very good looking and I appreciate how lucky I am when it comes to attention from women. But this has only served to make me quite a self conscious person. So when she told me she had no sexual feelings for me it really did break my heart and I took a big hit to what I always felt was a healthy self esteem.

I can still go out, put on an act and initiate conversation with attractive women. But as much as i'd like to think I can "play the game" and selfishly take for myself what all men desire. I honestly just want to find a girl to adore, to look at and think "You're amazing".

I'm happy with the decisions I have made. I wanted to break up with her and I cut all contact with her from the very moment she told me she had no sexual feelings. I loved her in a very special way, more than anything in the world. But she can't provide what I need in a relationship, which is to be loved in a way which thinking back, I don't believe i've had before.

It has been one month since I told her not to contact me again. My problem is that i've not cried once, I bottle my feelings up and I know crying is a healthy process of grieving.

I keep going through spells of anger and hate for hurting me. And although people don't notice it, I get this underlying feeling of invisible tears welling up inside but even if I try, I can't cry. The problem is that there have been two occasions on my life where i've cried after bottling something up and it always comes out at a very awkward moment. I feel like i've got so much emotion building up and it is going to come out one way or another. I feel like a lack of crying is stopping em form venting and it will get released at the wrong time or in the wrong way.

Even if I do eventually squeeze those tears out, I just can't shake this feeling of confusion and lost about life and existence. Sometimes, you just know when there is an emotion that time won't heal. I really, really have some fiery hate for my ex-girlfriend. She has wasted me time, my life and damaged my opinion of women and life itself. Betrayal is an emotion which can't find closure. I feel perhaps misogynistic about women. I'm in a conflict of trust. I feel like I want this idea of love in my life but now it does not exist so I can never have it.

I just want to stop laying here, staring at the ceiling day in and day out with all this emotion building up inside and to understand this sense of hopelessness which has now spawned in my life.

I've really lost all faith in women.


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    *Holly**Holly* Deactivated Posts: 140 Helping Hand
    Hi TheNameless

    Well I think you've just articulated beautifully what it feels like to go through a horrible break up. I'm sure a lot of people reading your thread will be able to identify with all the feelings you're experiencing.

    Break ups are, without a doubt, up there on the list of 'horrific life experiences'. And though everything you're feeling is totally normal, it doesn't make it any less hard. *hug*

    You say you feel like someone has died, and, ultimately, yes, grief is what you're experiencing right now. This girl was in your life for SIX years. That's six years of knowing you're loved every day, six years of having a best friend, six years of speaking to them every day. To suddenly have that taken away - usually permanently - well that's certainly something worth grieving over. As well as being a massive shock too.

    Unfortunately time is the only thing that will help you get over this. It's cliched but true. I know it feels like you'll never feel happy again, confident again, you'll never fall in love again, that you've wasted your time, life...but, in time, you WILL start feeling better, you will look back on this relationship and be glad it happened. At least you're confident in the knowledge that the breakup was the right decision. That's a really postive thing :)

    How to speed up the healing process? You've talked a lot about your inability to cry. And, yes, crying can help things but it's not essential. And it is hard to cry when you're a man and you've been socialised since birth to not be allowed to. Crying, though sometimes helpful, isn't the magic formula to feeling better though. I think focusing on yourself and feeling good about you again is equally helpful. Breakups batter everyone's self-esteem and part of the healing process is clawing it back.

    This article should be able to give you a few pointers - Mending a broken heart - and I'm sure others will be able to share their break-up tips with you too.

    Take care of yourself and remember the boards are always here if you need them.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Holly, I appreciate the reply.

    I thought it would be worth replying again for those in a similar situation.

    I feel i was going through a much needed phase of grief at the time of creating this thread. People should not be scared of such things and I think it is healthy to come to a forum like this and get your feelings out, no matter how embarrassing, silly or out of character you may think they are.

    I've been feeling really good this week by getting myself out and socialising. When I wrote this thread i was feeling very frustrated and it didn't help that i'd spent the previous week sitting at home staring at four walls.

    The grief, pain and emotion you feel in a situation like this can be helped by going out and being with friends.

    I'd like those that read this thread and find themselves in a similar situation to also read what happened to me tonight. Because everyone in this situation should know that there is light at the end of the tunnel if you search for it and allow yourself to open up to it.

    I started recording an anonymous blog/diary of my exploits in life. I'm actually a pickup artist and I make an effort to talk to woman, but that doesn't matter where this threa dis concerned.

    I'd like to share this blog post with you guys, i'll paste it here. So if you're in a similar situation just carry on and do things that are socially engaging and you'll feel good about yourself which is the most important thing because confidence and self esteem get trashed in a breakup.

    This is my blog post...

    It is 4am in the morning but i?m happy. I met a girl tonight who i?d only heard of through friends before. She works for the web design company I parted with two years ago. Although i?d seen her pictures on Facebook and we had been Facebook friends for some time.

    I had organised to meet up with a good girl-friend of mine tonight but she pulled out, then weirdly I came back from the toilet to find someone was about to take my seat. I joking said ?are you stealing my seat??, then I realised who it was and said ?omg you?re ******!?. She smiled, became shy and kind of ran away. Her friend(also an employee!) and her sat down next to my friend and I, we talked about our past with the company and as I watched her I realised how pretty her eyes and mannerisms were. We talked about bullshit for some time and then moved to a different club, we grabbed some drinks and my friend and her friend sat down, but there was only one more seat. I jokingly said ?Looks like you?re going to have to sit on me knee?. I took note that she didn?t react too badly to the statement. We had been giving each other the eyes all night so I took the initiative and simply moved her by her hips onto my knee. Within seconds we were smiling and I went in for the kiss. She was great, kissing softly and slowly. It was a nice kiss and I could see we both felt something from it.

    The night progressed in to other bars at which point we had both sucked the face off of each other. We ended up standing up on our seats dancing together and I admired her adventurous quality which she had seemingly hidden before.

    She said that i?m the first person she?d kissed since her ex, I briefly told her my situation and then changed topic. I think it is respectful to listen and reply to such a situation.

    I found her to be very attractive, although slightly tomboyish. I do like tomboy girls though, who can not connect with a girl who likes boy things like football and xbox?

    She clinged onto me all night, but I didn?t mind, I like a girl giving me attention and she was definitely a girl I appreciate. Two guys tried to pull her while I was away, but I simply sat down, pulled her towards me but also gave her the option to go talk to them if she wished. She seemed very attracted to me and laughed at the idea which made me happy.

    So yeah, i?m home, it is 4am and i?m happy to have met such a lovely girl. I just have to remember my faculties and reassure myself that I don?t HAVE to enter a relationship. My situation has not changed because an awesome woman has appeared.

    I?m not ready for a relationship, even though she is so awesome.

    What am I talking about? I only just met her. Idiot!

    Night peeps!
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