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anal rape / oral rape / sexual abuse (triggering)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I was anally raped when I was young and orally raped but never vaginally raped. Is there something wrong with my vagina? I think there is so I self harm vaginally a lot, I had surgery about ten days ago because of it but I can't resist the temptation to do more even if it leads to more damage. I'm damaged goods anyway. Why wasn't my vagina good enough for my abuser?

Also, I feel strongly that I have contaminated him. He's been *inside* my arse where the poo comes out with no protection, no condom. I have tried douching myself with bleach and ingesting small amounts of it but I still feel dirty. Nothing will make this feeling go away.

I am in so much pain. This was years ago by the way. But it haunts me. I can't sleep in the dark so I use a night light and I have dreams about meeting him again. He has a facebook profile that I keep looking at to see his picture of his face.

Somebody please help me. Make it go away.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So the guy never had to answer for his crime? If not, why?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    So the guy never had to answer for his crime? If not, why?

    I was very young when it happened so I just went back to school, I didn't tell a soul. I didn't think it was rape for many years as I thought it was my own fault as many victims do. In reality I was under the age of consent so if I'd reported it at the time a conviction would be a lot more likely. I reported what happened to me in 2009 when I was 25 as I felt strong enough to face the police then. They were really good about it and took it very seriously, the cheif inspector got involved and it was investigated by the Met police to whom I reported it (as I live in London) and the Thames Valley police as I used to live in the Reading area. But basically there wasn't enough evidence to do anything more about it as so many years had passed. They said there would have been cctv and there was at least one sort of witness as it happened in a public place who might have seen something and DNA evidence of course but the time delay in me reporting it meant this evidence was gone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First of all, i just want to say how sorry i am that yoy had to go through that, that is horrific.

    Secondly, i think the answer to why he didnt go vaginally was something like you were underage, could have gotten you pregnant, could have given you an STI, therefore leaving evidence maybe. Also if you were a virgin beforehand, it could be proved that you werent afterwards and it was because of him.

    Please dont think that any of this is your fault and please dont think any part of you is not good enough. Sorry if i havent kept up but have you looked for any help on this, maybe counselling or something?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Lexi. I've had a lot of counselling and therapy on this but I just don't seem to be able to get over it. Maybe I never will. It's all so hard.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lexi99 wrote: »
    Also if you were a virgin beforehand, it could be proved that you werent afterwards and it was because of him.

    Yes I was a virgin. I don't "count" this as loosing my virginity though, as my first vaginal sex as a consenting adult was when I was 19 and this is the time that I count as my first.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    there's nothing wrong with any part of you, you are beautiful and lovely and the extent that someone abused you does not relate to the 'standard' of your body. as lexi has said there could have been practical reasons for it. but in the end it doesn't matter, i know you can't see it but rape is rape and abuse is abuse, regardless of the details. it doesn't reflect on you.

    i know this has haunted you for so long and i wish so much that someone could make it go away. no one can take away the memory of what happened but hopefully one day you can accept it and move on, and be stronger for it. all i can really suggest is that you keep talking and engaging with the services that are there to help you.

    we all love you rg.
    :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    omg hi wrote: »
    there's nothing wrong with any part of you, you are beautiful and lovely and the extent that someone abused you does not relate to the 'standard' of your body. as lexi has said there could have been practical reasons for it. but in the end it doesn't matter, i know you can't see it but rape is rape and abuse is abuse, regardless of the details. it doesn't reflect on you.

    i know this has haunted you for so long and i wish so much that someone could make it go away. no one can take away the memory of what happened but hopefully one day you can accept it and move on, and be stronger for it. all i can really suggest is that you keep talking and engaging with the services that are there to help you.

    we all love you rg.
    :heart:

    Thank you :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    omg hi wrote: »
    there's nothing wrong with any part of you, you are beautiful and lovely and the extent that someone abused you does not relate to the 'standard' of your body. as lexi has said there could have been practical reasons for it. but in the end it doesn't matter, i know you can't see it but rape is rape and abuse is abuse, regardless of the details. it doesn't reflect on you.

    i know this has haunted you for so long and i wish so much that someone could make it go away. no one can take away the memory of what happened but hopefully one day you can accept it and move on, and be stronger for it. all i can really suggest is that you keep talking and engaging with the services that are there to help you.

    we all love you rg.
    :heart:

    this *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BIG HUG Rg, love you lots xxxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I want to die now please.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think you should consider admitting yourself to hospital for a bit hun, just to keep you safe *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    omg hi wrote: »
    there's nothing wrong with any part of you, you are beautiful and lovely and the extent that someone abused you does not relate to the 'standard' of your body. as lexi has said there could have been practical reasons for it. but in the end it doesn't matter, i know you can't see it but rape is rape and abuse is abuse, regardless of the details. it doesn't reflect on you.

    i know this has haunted you for so long and i wish so much that someone could make it go away. no one can take away the memory of what happened but hopefully one day you can accept it and move on, and be stronger for it. all i can really suggest is that you keep talking and engaging with the services that are there to help you.

    we all love you rg.
    :heart:

    This.

    :hug:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't want to say I know how you feel cos I don't because I'm not you, but I've been through very similar experiences and I've spent years wondering why me/why that/etc and gotten no concrete answers other than because they could - no blaming yourself because there is never anything a child (or anyone else) could do to deserve such a thing as punishment. They chose to do what they did for reasons that don't make sense because it's an act that doesn't make sense.

    I know the daily struggle of not blaming yourself, and trying to rebuild some semblance of self esteem and self respect and keeping it up. it's not easy and all I can say is that you need to learn to love yourself regardless of what's happened in the past. Easy to say I know, but take little baby steps.

    There are lots of books and other stuff I could suggest which may or may not help, but it might be worth giving it a go, I'll PM you a list if you'd like. It might be worth seeing if there's a support group around, because it can be quite helpful to see if your response to those experiences is something other people have gone through and come out the otherside of.

    Huge hugs sent your way!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Randomgirl,

    So sorry you are going through all this *hug*

    It seems like you are trying to hurt yourself physically in order to remove the horrible memories of your past. As you seem to know, self harming can be very dangerous, and even though it feels like a sudden relief, unfortunately it cannot remove the hurt inside and can cause serious consequences.

    It's very strong of you to open up about this and post your feelings. Having reported it was a good decision, it is unfortunate that the evidence was lacking and so frustrating - are you able to show the police his facebook profile?

    There are a couple of helplines that focus on this kind of abuse - such as Saneline and RASASC (rape and sexual abuse support center) - and calling them when you are feeling like self harming could really help with emotional support.

    You say you have had counselling before - have you been able to have long term counselling? And have you told your family about what happened?

    Keep strong, and as many people mentioned, you are not to blame for all this at all *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    And NAPAC, they've been a godsend to me! They have a really good helpline that have really well trained staff and a great database of local services which might be able to help.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Post a link to his facebook imo
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Post a link to his facebook imo
    I'd prefer not to.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think you should consider admitting yourself to hospital for a bit hun, just to keep you safe *hug*

    I have been refered to the women's crisis house that I have stayed at a few times in the past. They don't have any beds at the moment though and I still have to pass the assessment.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    I don't want to say I know how you feel cos I don't because I'm not you, but I've been through very similar experiences and I've spent years wondering why me/why that/etc and gotten no concrete answers other than because they could - no blaming yourself because there is never anything a child (or anyone else) could do to deserve such a thing as punishment. They chose to do what they did for reasons that don't make sense because it's an act that doesn't make sense.

    I know the daily struggle of not blaming yourself, and trying to rebuild some semblance of self esteem and self respect and keeping it up. it's not easy and all I can say is that you need to learn to love yourself regardless of what's happened in the past. Easy to say I know, but take little baby steps.

    There are lots of books and other stuff I could suggest which may or may not help, but it might be worth giving it a go, I'll PM you a list if you'd like. It might be worth seeing if there's a support group around, because it can be quite helpful to see if your response to those experiences is something other people have gone through and come out the otherside of.

    Huge hugs sent your way!!

    Thank you MR. I've read that Staci Haynes book (Sexual Healing) which was rreally good. Also I just ordered another one from amazon, I can't remember it's title.

    And that website you posted is good, I didn't have the courage to ring the helpline but there was a lot of info on their website that helps.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    christele wrote: »
    Hi Randomgirl,

    So sorry you are going through all this *hug*

    It seems like you are trying to hurt yourself physically in order to remove the horrible memories of your past. As you seem to know, self harming can be very dangerous, and even though it feels like a sudden relief, unfortunately it cannot remove the hurt inside and can cause serious consequences.

    It's very strong of you to open up about this and post your feelings. Having reported it was a good decision, it is unfortunate that the evidence was lacking and so frustrating - are you able to show the police his facebook profile?

    There are a couple of helplines that focus on this kind of abuse - such as Saneline and RASASC (rape and sexual abuse support center) - and calling them when you are feeling like self harming could really help with emotional support.

    You say you have had counselling before - have you been able to have long term counselling? And have you told your family about what happened?

    Keep strong, and as many people mentioned, you are not to blame for all this at all *hug*

    Thank you for this. I have had a lot of therapy over the years. I am currently having therapy weekly (private) and am on the waiting list for a more intensive nhs therapy. I told my family in November last year, they were quite shocked really.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Been offered a bed at the women's mental health crisis project (an alternative to the psych ward) but need to be free of razors to go in so back in hospital now waiting for surgery.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Randomgirl wrote: »
    Been offered a bed at the women's mental health crisis project (an alternative to the psych ward) but need to be free of razors to go in so back in hospital now waiting for surgery.

    that sounds really positive. do you know when the surgery might be?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It will be soon. I'm nil by mouth so I'm starving hungry. They said it might be tonight or tomorrow.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Really glad you've been offered the bed. Hope you didn't end up jil by mouth for too long. Hope you make some progress at the crisis centre
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Apologies if this has already been mentioned but perhaps he didn't do vaginal penetration in fear of breaking your hymen & therefore creating "evidence"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Apologies if this has already been mentioned but perhaps he didn't do vaginal penetration in fear of breaking your hymen & therefore creating "evidence"

    It has been mentioned. Please read the threads before you post as the conversation has moved on from that to ways RG can get help and support.

    Did you have your operation RG? How did it go? I too am sending you hugs. *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Had my operation this evening.

    Hopefully will get out of hospital to the crisis house soon.

    I am reading Invisible Girls - the truth about sexual abuse and it's pretty good.

    Thanks for your kind messages.
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