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bf/porn troubles

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
i'm not anti-porn as such, but i freaked out a lot today when i saw my boyfriend's internet history

(it was wrong of me to snoop, but being a sap i kind of hoped we could talk about what kind of porn he watches/ watch it together and all that)

we experiment a bit, and sometimes verge on bdsm i guess, but what i saw really scared me. the best of it was pretty degrading, the worst was rape cartoons. and all the time.

i freaked out and left, i feel a little scared and don't know whether to trust him - he sometimes flips out, but never has with me.

not sure what to do.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How long have you been together?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    4 months
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Plenty of women share those sorts of fantasies as well, you have to distinguish between fantasy and reality...people fantasise about all sorts of dubious stuff they'd never enact or desire to enact for real. I really don't think its a big deal on its own.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know it takes all sorts, but rape cartoons....?

    Anyway, it's by the by. It is something you need to talk to him about, especially if it's affecting your relationship, although most blokes watch a bit of porn, if it's all the time then it's a bit of a concern.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmm, I'm not sure what I think on this one.

    I think it's important to remember the difference between fantasy and reality. For many people, porn is a way of exploring fantasies that they would have absolutely no desire to actually carry out in real life. If he has a mild interest in BDSM- a bit of tying down, a bit of spanking- in real life then exploring more graphic BDSM fantasies in porn perhaps isn't that much of a surprise. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants to dangle you, or anyone else for that matter, from the ceiling in some dungeon. I know women who look at graphic BDSM or even rape fantasy websites and it certainly doesn't mean that they want to be raped.

    I actually don't think that fantasies of control are actually that uncommon, it's just that people don't talk about it because they don't want to sound like a sex offender. Looking at women pretending to be raped, or cartoons of women being raped, doesn't mean he's a rapist.

    Ask him about it in exactly the same way you were intending to. Find out what he likes looking at- but pretend you haven't seen his browser history. You'll probably get a better idea of what his motivations are.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there HungryAngry,

    It's understandable that his history shocked you, as you say you didn't expect him to be into certain things. As many have said, it's important to distinguish between fantasy and reality - have a look at our article on sexual reality, which can help.

    You mentioned you wanted to speak to him about this already, and as Artic Roll says, how about trying to speak to him about it anyway? Do you feel you could sit him down and discuss this? Porn in relationships can be healthy - and it is up to you whether you want to mention the history - as long as he understands that you simply want to make your relationship stronger.

    Do let us know how you get on :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I guess I said sorry for freaking out. He maintains he isn't into 'the worst stuff'.

    I feel a bit pathetic right now to be honest. He's totally flawed, and I'm not oblivious to it - it winds me up so badly. If I try to talk to him about things though, I end up apologising as if it's my fault for taking offence.

    I tried to break up with him because I got sick to death of his constant tasteless jokes, but went crawling back the next day. Not sure if I'm still here because I want to be or because I'm plain weak. I met him as soon as I came to uni, and haven't really made any friends apart from his flatmates, so that makes me want to stay on his good side I suppose.
  • *Holly**Holly* Moderator Posts: 140 Settling in
    Hi there HungryAngry

    It sounds like the issues with your relationship run a bit deeper than this porn discovery.

    It's important to be able to talk to your partner, about porn, or anything else without feeling bad for bringing it up. Is your boyfriend giving you any reason to start apologising? Or is it more your own insecurity?

    Either way, it sounds like you're strugling a bit with your own ego and self-esteem and this will undoubtedly affect a relationship. Are you still at uni? You may have been a slow starter socially, but it's never too late to play catch up. Unis have so many ways of meeting people. Are there any societies that you're interested in joining? Or sports clubs? It can be uber scary taking that first step to go something by yourself, but I bet you'll feel brilliant afterwards. And then you may find, once you've broadened your social circle and are less dependant on your boyfriend, that you don't feel so bad about it. Or you still do, but have the confidence to finish things.

    Let us know how you get on, and feel free to keep posting. :)

    Holly
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