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Just feel like ending it all

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi, new here didnt really know where to post dont even know why i am im just so so depressed i dont know what to do anymore ive hit rock bottom. For years and years ive felt like this and its just gotten worse over time, i have tryed counceling and numerous amout of different anti depressants but nothing seems to help. I live at home with my parents, have a close family, good friends and an ok job. Sounds alright doesnt it. Best way i can describe my kinnd of depression is to imagine the 1 person u despise more than anyone else in the world and u cant stNd being around them and cant wait to get away from them. To me that person is me , i hate myself so much the only time i dont feel it is when im sleeping and i have no idea why - i just love being asleep so i dont have to deal with being me, im suprised i even have friends, im moody all the time because i do not want ti be here, nothing is fun to me and nothing makes me smile. I took an overdose of a mixture of different painkillers and alcohol last year and i just remember being sick a lot and passing out, when i woke up the next morning i was gutted i couldnt belive i didnt die, when i think back to about 6 years ago i was so happy i dont know where it all came from, i was seeing a guy for a few months and have now discovered i am pregnant he told me he wanted nothing to do woth me. I was booked to have an abortion but i didnt because i felt so cruel but now a few weeks later i realise i am in no position whatsoever to raise a child , im now 12 weeks along and i went to my doctors today And he refused to refer me, i cant eat or go to work because i just break down in tears every two minutes so instead i just sleep my days away, my family know im depressed i just dont feel they understand. I know ppl say suicide is a selfish thing to do but what about me? Every day i despise every little thing about myself , everybody else gets to smile apart from me how is that fair . I just feel drained :(

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Lisajayxs, welcome to TheSite :wave:

    First off, huge hugs to you *hug* Sounds like everything is piling on top of you at the moment and you feel like you're running out of places to turn. We're always here to listen at TheSite and there are plenty of other members here who have found themselves with very similar feelings to what you describe, hopefully we can suggest some things to you that will help.

    I'm sorry your doctor has refused to refer you, this can happen from time to time but you do still have options if you are wanting to have an abortion. This article might be useful for you to read, especially this part:
    Occasionally, a doctor who does not agree with abortion will refuse to refer you to a local abortion provider, but this would be very unusual. Even if this happens, the doctor is still legally obliged to refer you to another doctor in the practice. Alternatively, go to your local GUM clinic and ask for a referral.

    Marie Stopes have an online counselling service as well as a helpline that you could try for people in your situation, there's some more info about that here: http://www.mariestopes.org.uk/AbortionCounc.aspx

    We also have some info on here on TheSite about different abortion procedures:http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/safersex/unplannedpregnancy/theabortionprocedure

    You mention your family just don't understand, is there anyone you do feel you can trust that you could speak to about how low you're feeling at the moment? A good friend, a tutor or a colleague? Reaching out at times like this can stop you feeling so isolated, you've made a really positive step by posting here too :)

    Breaking free from depression can be a long journey and although you haven't found what works for you yet, do try and hang in there. Think about the happier person you used to be and you used to like, she's still in there *hug* Do you think you could make an appointment to go back to your GP, maybe ask to see a different one this time and try to be as honest as you can about where you're at at the moment? It may be that you haven't found the right counsellor, that relationship can be really important in determining what you get out of it.

    Of course, you're exhausted from it all, that's totally understandable so give yourself a break, try to look after yourself and be kinder to yourself. You sound like a really strong and brave person to me :heart:

    If you do feel desperate then you can also get in touch with the Samaritans, plenty of people here have used them before, they can provide a listening ear that can really help.

    I feel like I've bombarded you with info, take your time to have a look through and do let us know how you're getting on, there's always someone here to listen. If it helps to get your feelings out and vent here too then of course feel free :)
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