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Sending messages to another girl...[mentions SI, depression]

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
As a bit of background, I'm 20 years old and have struggled with depression, self harm and eating issues for 4 years. My boyfriend is also 20, and we have been together for 3 and a half years. We are both from Ireland.
On Valentines Day, my boyfriend left his facebook logged in.
And I’m incredibly nosey, so went through his messages. What I read made me feel sick.
Screenshot of conversation//Screenshot 2

I feel so betrayed.
He completely over-exaggerated everything too.

This girl is 14 from London.
I’ve also gathered from the conversation that they met on Omegle, send letters and use Skype.

I feel sick. Constantly. I can't eat.

I did cut, but not "really deep". The less said the better.
I didn’t “casually spring” it on him either. I sat for hours, freaking out, feeling like puking because I was scared to tell him.
I didn’t expect him “not to care”. I just asked him not to be mad.

And the sex thing, well we’ve already spoken about it. I told him ages ago, that I don’t feel comfortable having sex anymore, because of this fucking depression. He said it was ok. Clearly not...
The best of it is, he DOES get sex, at least once a week. I force myself to do it because I feel bad. Because I don’t want him looking elsewhere…

I haven’t mentioned any of this to him. I’ve just went on as normal. Pretend to be happy. Pretend everything is ok.
But I don’t know if I can.
Or if I should.

I'm suspicious that there might be more to it, but even if there is I won't be able to be mad. I've done something like that before and hurt him, and he did eventually forgive me.

I don't know. I wish I'd never read it, because now I'm obsessing over it.
I don't know what kind of advice I want. I don't know anything anymore.
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'd get rid of him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I thought about that, but really he hasn't done anything wrong, from what I read. He's just bitched about me. It just hurts so much, and has left me suspicious...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I thought about that, but really he hasn't done anything wrong, from what I read. He's just bitched about me. It just hurts so much, and has left me suspicious...

    To me, that does sound as though he's done something wrong. Yes, there's nothing wrong with talking about your partner to someone else; but bitching really isn't ok.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He has done something wrong. He hasnt just bitched about you, he's basically said he doesnt like being with you, and thats why he's talking to other girls about sex.

    That conversation would be more than enough reason to dump someone, he should have more respect for you than that.

    *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know it will probably sound horrible, but I can feel for him. I and friends of mine had been involved with some girls with mental issues and it's probably one of the hardest things to do. It is probably on par with being mentally ill yourself, if not worse. I can almost feel how it is dragging him down.

    I am not blaming anyone here. You are not well, and he can't deal with it. He vented to a friend, maybe not in a sensitive way, but this wasn't meant for your eyes anyway. It seems at this point nobody of you really wants to deal with the other one.

    I know a lot of people on this site are damaged goods and probably side with you, but I never understood self-harming or eating issues and I can't bring myself to have tolerance for it. I just can't comfortably be friends or in a relationship with someone who apparently hates themselves.

    What are you doing to get help for your issues, to, you know, maybe stop doing them?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    I am not blaming anyone here. You are not well, and he can't deal with it. He vented to a friend, maybe not in a sensitive way, but this wasn't meant for your eyes anyway. It seems at this point nobody of you really wants to deal with the other one.

    You think it's right that he can say things like this behind her back?
    I know a lot of people on this site are damaged goods and probably side with you

    Charming

    Am I alone in finding it strange that he discusses this sort of thing with others? Yes, friends of mine will talk about their relationships; but never stuff about sex. (not that I care anyway)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    You think it's right that he can say things like this behind her back?

    He obviously has a big problem with it. Why does he not address the problem with the girlfriend? I don't know, but having a serious discussion with someone who has borderline symptoms is like prodding a crocodile with a stick: Guaranteed to cause problems, with no permanent solution afterwards. Like he said in the chat. Having your partner have a meltdown with serious self-harm and eating disorder going on is super stressful and something I'd evade at every cost.
    Melian wrote: »
    Charming

    Am I alone in finding it strange that he discusses this sort of thing with others? Yes, friends of mine will talk about their relationships; but never stuff about sex. (not that I care anyway)

    Not like I am making this up.

    And no, I don't find this strange at all, to be honest. The couple of mates of us do that from time to time, usually just when there are problems.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes, he's talking about you, but with someone you're never likely to meet. Would you rather he talked to his local friends about this?

    It seems to me he's letting off steam, not looking to play away.

    If you're depressed, and not into sex you'd have to be a pretty good actress to make the sex good for him, so he probably isn't enjoying sex much.

    Seems to me he's putting up with a lot of stuff from you at the moment, and he's doing it because he loves you. So reward that love by working towards fixing your problems.

    Include more fresh fruit and veg in your food, get half an hour of moderate exercise (brisk walk, jog - something that makes it hard to say more than a short sentences between breaths) - and when you feel the urge to self harm do press-ups, lunges and crunches until the urge goes away - or at least quarter of an hour.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    I know it will probably sound horrible, but I can feel for him. I and friends of mine had been involved with some girls with mental issues and it's probably one of the hardest things to do. It is probably on par with being mentally ill yourself, if not worse. I can almost feel how it is dragging him down.

    I am not blaming anyone here. You are not well, and he can't deal with it. He vented to a friend, maybe not in a sensitive way, but this wasn't meant for your eyes anyway. It seems at this point nobody of you really wants to deal with the other one.

    I know a lot of people on this site are damaged goods and probably side with you, but I never understood self-harming or eating issues and I can't bring myself to have tolerance for it. I just can't comfortably be friends or in a relationship with someone who apparently hates themselves.

    What are you doing to get help for your issues, to, you know, maybe stop doing them?

    Though he could have worded it a bit more sensitively, I think StrubbleS is right. Mental illness is not an easy thing for anybody to deal with, let alone those closest to you who are watching you hurt every day.

    Big Gay is right - I think he's just having a vent because he needs to let it out to somebody, and he doesn't want to upset you by venting to you. In a lot of ways, it's much easier to talk to an anonymous person on the other side of a screen and it's actually quite healthy that he's letting off steam rather than bottling it up and becoming bitter and resentful.

    And it's not weird that he's talking about sex, either. I talk to quite a lot of my friends about my sex life (or current lack of), and I did so when I was in a relationship and having problems in that area. It helps to get an outside perspective sometimes.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    eeek, can see both sides tbh

    Id feel incredibly hurt that he was discussing such personal things about me with another girl, let alone a 14 year old in such a blasé manner, and would possibly be tempted to dump over it, but I can also see how it must be tough for him too. The way hes said it, and you say hes exaggerated/lied too, would make me feel uneasy, telling her hes not getting sex, when he is etc etc, smacks of the old "my wife doesnt understand me" line. Id be worried he was grooming a 14 year old.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Id be worried he was grooming a 14 year old.

    Agreed. It's not the sort of thing that is appropriate to talk to a 14 year old about either. Friends his own age maybe; but not 14 year olds.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Id be worried he was grooming a 14 year old.

    At first I was skeptical myself when I read she was 14, but after going through the chat logs there was no flirting or coming on to anyone from anyone, so I don't see the big deal. I used to talk to broken angel about a couple or various topics, including sex, when I was 25 and she was 13. It just irks me when people carelessly play the pedo card. It's a very serious and damaging allegation.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    At first I was skeptical myself when I read she was 14, but after going through the chat logs there was no flirting or coming on to anyone from anyone, so I don't see the big deal. I used to talk to broken angel about a couple or various topics, including sex, when I was 25 and she was 13. It just irks me when people carelessly play the pedo card. It's a very serious and damaging allegation.

    Agreed. I have an online friend (we have met in real life) who is quite a bit older than me who has been called a pervert because of the age gap. Never mind the fact that all we really talk about is music, football and an online game we both play.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    I used to talk to broken angel about a couple or various topics, including sex, when I was 25 and she was 13.

    well i wouldnt play the paedo card, but i still think thats inappropriate too tbh and you need to remember how old people actually are, even if they are a bit precocious
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What bothers me most is he couldn't mention those things to me. I know he's worried about how I'll react, but still, I'm a sensible person.
    When I told him that I didn't enjoy sex, he told me he was ok with it. And I believed him.
    We've been together almost 4 years, he should be able to talk to me, right?

    And the skype thing worries me. I read through all the conversation, and at one point it was "go on skype!". I didn't even know he had skype :/ He also has a Tumblr account that he keeps secret.
    Maybe I'm just being overly paranoid and cynical.

    I do understand how difficult it is for him, believe me, I give myself a pretty hard time over it. I can't help but feel he'd be better off without me. Even more so now. You can't help but feel like a burden and a mess when you can't make the person you love happy.

    As for trying to get help for everything, I have tried. I've been to my GP, mental health nurses, NHS councilors, councilors at college and uni, I was referred once to Lifeline who used to call me every night, and I'm currently on a waiting list for a mental health exam (although I've heard nothing since November). These things don't work for everyone, and none of them worked for me. I've also been on and off antidepressants for about two years, but they're really only a short term solution.

    I dunno. I'm really really hurt that he'd call me ungrateful and lie about getting no sex. I'm hurt he'd discuss my business with someone else.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you say youve been on and off anti-ds and theyre only a short term solution.

    Are you actually giving them a chance to work? Are you coming off them too soon?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What do you define as sex? What does he define as sex? He said he was getting a handjob a week but that's not sex; if you think it is then there's been a breakdown in communication.

    I'm not sure about the age thing, but I know when I was 20 I talked to agood fair few people about stuff and they aren't all my age. Im now 28 but have spoken about many things, including sex, with people 7 or 8 years younger ghan me. I have no intention of sleeping with them. Without seeing the whole conversation it's hard to put it in context.

    I think he's venting. Without being rude, he has a lot to vent about. Depression is a very selfish illness; one focuses on one's own feelings not how they impact on others. You've talked loads about how you feel about cutting but haven't stopped to think about how he feels. I understand why, I really do,, but still. I don't think he is being unreasonable based on what you've told us
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was on the antidepressants for 6 months when I began taking them, and felt fine after so the doctor decided that I could go off then. But I got worse. I've only been "on and off" them because a lot of the time, I would forget to take them, or lie in bed all dsy and not bother about anything. I know they do work for me, I dont feel as bad on them. It's my doctor thats reffered to them as a short term solution.

    Artic Roll, I think you may have misread that part. He says something along the lines of "i'd be happy with a handjob once a week as a substitute, but I havent had one in years". But that's a lie, and it is intercourse I'm talking about when I say we have sex at least once a week. I'm trying. The only thing he said that was true / not overexaggerated was that I dont give blowjobs. Which is something I personally can't stand. Although in three years, he's never told me that was an issue.

    I know you're right too, he puts up with a lot, but it still hurts all the same.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Anti-depressants do not work that way. Taking them for a bit, feeling better, going off and poof the depression is gone. They do not magically solve your problems, but enable you to solve your problems yourself by stop making you feel like you can't even tie your own shoelaces. You should really hold your own mental well-being in higher regards and start working for your convalescence.

    I know, the hardest part is to actually help yourself or get help, but I think you have someone in your boyfriend who would like to help. The shittiness is not going to dissolve itself by nothing.
    you need to remember how old people actually are, even if they are a bit precocious

    Not to branch off of the main topic here, but I think you need to remember that the least people below the full age are inept babies that need to be sheltered from 'adult' topics.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    no im not saying that, and i dont know the extent of your conversations, but id be seriously fucking concerned if my 13 year old daughter was having sex chats with a 25 year old man.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just wanted to jump in and say that the majority of my friends (from thesite, and in real life) are a lot older, and Strubbs is one of them. I don't have a problem with this, never have, because I don't really get on with people my own age. Even when I was in pre-school I wouldn't socialize with the other kids.
    I think people grow up at different rates, and there are some people in my year who are a lot less emotionally mature and developed than others. We have some people who've never held any one's hand, and some people who are on crack cocaine... It is a huge mix.
    Just wanted to share my two pence on that :)

    Back on topic, I think you need to speak to your boyfriend. Ask him how he truly feels about your mental health issues and everything, give him the chance to be honest. If he isn't honest then maybe think about telling him you saw the messages and are a bit hurt by the content.
    Always remember, if you aren't happy in a relationship then don't stay in it, because there will be someone who can make you happy *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Always remember, if you aren't happy in a relationship then don't stay in it, because there will be someone who can make you happy *hug*

    Happiness is not something archived by chance through someone else. Happiness is realized inside yourself. I would even go and say that if you are not happy with yourself, nobody else is going to make you happy.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I could forgive his venting, but there is no way in hell I would EVER chalk up an adult discussing his lack of sex with a 14-year old as innocent. Many people don't talk to other ADULTS about such things, and when a person doesn't have that boundary, it's ok, but even then they should know not to talk to a teen when they themselves are grown.

    And her little comments back indicate a mild flirtation. "When was the last time you had sex? Probably 2 hours lol"

    Furthermore, based on this post and my experiences with pedophiles (worked in a max security prison and had other in-depth interactions), I can say that the majority of pedophiles I've known are passive people who are quite agreeable to others, while holding their own inclinations quietly, but who cultivate friendships with children or teens, just as this guy is doing. He's unhappy in a relationship with a woman who has serious mental health issues, and rather than leaving, he directs his energies toward communicating with a child. I'd bet he shows other signs of pedophilic behavior, too, like favoring off-color jokes and perhaps speaking loudly AGAINST pedophiles, or working around children.

    OP, please seek therapy... SOON!

    Your self-hatred isn't doing anyone a bit of good, and you'll only experience fulfilling love when you can love yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If I was at work right now and got brought a printout of a conversation between a 14 year old girl and a 20/21 year old man that was a lot to do about how frustrated he was and that he wanted sex I'd be starting an investigation into his activities.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just wanted to jump in and say that the majority of my friends (from thesite, and in real life) are a lot older, and Strubbs is one of them. I don't have a problem with this, never have, because I don't really get on with people my own age. Even when I was in pre-school I wouldn't socialize with the other kids.

    It's the same with me. But the subject of sex was never mentioned, ever - because it was inappropriate.
    ut id be seriously fucking concerned if my 13 year old daughter was having sex chats with a 25 year old man.

    I would be too.

    OP - I think you really need to talk to your boyfriend about this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The UK never ceases to amaze me.
  • *Holly**Holly* Moderator Posts: 140 Settling in
    Hi there liquid-confidence

    Woah - there are a lot of issues flying round in this thread aren't there? It's obviously a complex situation and therefore it's totally normal you might be feeling overwhelmed and confused.

    On the plus side, there's tons of good advice here.
    Especially this from B-A...
    I think you need to speak to your boyfriend. Ask him how he truly feels about your mental health issues and everything, give him the chance to be honest. If he isn't honest then maybe think about telling him you saw the messages and are a bit hurt by the content.
    Always remember, if you aren't happy in a relationship then don't stay in it, because there will be someone who can make you happy.

    You say you're obsessing over this discovery, and it may very well be that the only way to resolve it is to have a frank discussion with your boyfriend. You don't have to confess to your snooping, but I think it could be beneficial to talk about how he's coping with your issues. If you don't trust his response, then you might have to fess up about the Facebook snooping, but this is completely up to you. I suggest doing what feels right at the time. You might find this article about self-harm and relationships useful - as well as all the other advice and info on TheSite's self harm section.

    As for feeling betrayed about him talking about his relationship online, it's a tricky one because there are definitely two sides to the argument. :chin:

    It's really common to vent about your relationship to others - and being online can often give you more freedom to discuss things you might not feel brave enough to in person. How, for instance, is you talking about your relationship online that different from him doing so? Do you not think he would be equally hurt if he stumbled across this thread? I'm not saying you're wrong for starting this topic - in fact, it's great you're using TheSite for support :thumb: - but that just might be what he's doing. We would never have any friends or relationships if people knew what was said about them behind their back. So it might just be harmless offloading. Only you and your instinct, or talking it through with him, can ultimately decide that.

    In terms of your general mental health, I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. The waiting period between seeking help and actually getting help is extremely frustrating. Is it worth seeing your GP again? And is there anyone else other than your boyfriend you can get support from? Friends? Family? This may help alleviate some of the pressure he's feeling.
    This was really beneficial advice to on how to make you feel better while you're waiting for your assessment...might be something you could try...
    Include more fresh fruit and veg in your food, get half an hour of moderate exercise (brisk walk, jog - something that makes it hard to say more than a short sentences between breaths) - and when you feel the urge to self harm do press-ups, lunges and crunches until the urge goes away - or at least quarter of an hour.

    Some of his frustration may come from his misunderstanding of what you're going through. If you do decide to chat with him, pointing him in the direction of this article (supporting someone who self harms) may help.

    If you want a more in-depth answer, it's worth pointing you in the direction of our AskTheSite service. It?s totally confidential and you can ask any question anonymously and a relevant expert will respond to you within three working days.

    Let us know how you get on.

    Big hugs *hug*

    Holly
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    The UK never ceases to amaze me.

    eh? You'd be happy with your 14 year daughter talking to a 20 year old man about sex?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    An adult talking to a child (and I'm sorry if some people don't like it but essentially a 14 year old is still a child) about sex, is just a little bit creepy.

    Honestly, your boyfriend sounds like a tool from what i've read. Getting all moody and slagging you off behind your back because you aren't in the mood.... When did sex become a right and not a privelege?

    "I will get some eventually" - does noone else see how obnoxious and arrogant that sounds? By all means vent about your relationship to a friend if you need to but it comes across to me that he is only in the relationship for what he can get out it and has very little respect for how you feel.

    Yes, living with someone who is mentally ill is difficult, but if he can't handle it or is just so horny he can't go a few weeks without it, he shouldn't be with you.

    I also think that if you weren't ill you'd see all this for yourself but the idea of losing him probably makes you feel terrible, even if he is a complete dickhead.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    eh? You'd be happy with your 14 year daughter talking to a 20 year old man about sex?

    of course he would, hes 25 and chats to 13 year olds about it
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