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Self Harm/ feeling suicidal

MixBotMixBot Posts: 8,656 Automated Account
Right, this is 2 seperate things I want to ask advice on, but they're kinda linked so I'll stick them together. All names changed, and sorry if this is quite long.

I started self harming about a month ago, scratching first then cutting. I started accidently when I caught myself with a needle whilst sewing, but at the time I was having a bad time and it kinda helped so I carried on. When I started it had been a year since my friends dad had died, I was having friendship problems, and I had a load of exams at school. Also, my closest friend Jake had been having big problems at home and was feeling suicidal because of it, so I was massively worried about him.
I didn't tell anyone for a few weeks but all my friends noticed something was up. Eventually I told Jake which really helped, and we tell each other absolutly everything. He was great about it, didn't stress at me and was fine if I didn't want to answer any of his questions. However I haven't told him that it's his depression that's causing it.
My other friends got really offended when they found out I'd told Jake, and I mean really offended so I ended up telling them. Now they keep stressing at me and asking why I started, which I can't tell them 'cos I can't tell anyone about Jake. I've tried to explain to them but they don't get that them stressing doesn't help, especially because I know it was me stressing about someone that caused me to start, so I really don't want them to worry. At school I act like I'm ok to avoid questions, but that just makes me feel worse when I get home.
I use selfharming as a way of coping, if I don't do it then I start to feel even worse, and I have started feeling suicidal myself a few times. I don't think its that bad though, it does help and the cuts aren't deep or anything. When I feel really bad I text Jake, which helps.
I'm also really worried about Jake, most of the time he's fine but then out of the blue I'll get a text like 'I'm at the stage where I want to kill myself again'. I've made him promise to text me as soon as he feels in any way bad, 'cos I'm the only person who knows. When he texts me though its so hard because I just want to be there with him, its so hard to help him by text, and he never wants to talk about what's wrong. I've tried to get him to talk but he doesn't trust anyone enough. I'd do absolutly anything for him, I love him and I hate to think of him feeling as bad as he does but I feel like theres nothing I can do to help, and I don't know what to do.
EDIT: Jake has asked me if we want to fool around a bit 'cos we're both single, not wanting relationships but want something but so far i've refused, despite the fact I really like him. We have sent each other pictures before, but i've always said no to anything more, mainly because he's moving away to boarding school in September

Nina x
Beep boop. I'm a bot.


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey ninaballet

    Welcome to TheSite. I didnt have a chance to wave hello in your introductory post so ill do it now :wave:

    It sounds like things are a bit difficult for you at the minute. Sorry to hear that.

    You said you only recently started self harming, and the stress you've been experiencing sounds like its been a tough ride.

    Have you spoken to anyone aside from friends regarding how you've been feeling and to talk about the self harm?

    Speaking to your doctor about what your experiencing might not be as scary as you'd expect, or is there a nurse or counsellor at school you might be able to open up to?

    It also sounds like you're friend relies on you for help at times to, and you've clearly been there for him when he needs you. It must be adding to your stress levels at times. It is however important to keep your own health as a priority.

    Checking out our link here on TheSite regarding self help might be a good place to start exploring your options. It can offer advice on confiding in someone and discusses self help techniques and coping mechanisms. Check it out below and let us know how you get on.


    Ill not bombard you with too much info straight away, but please stick around and let us know how things go for you.

    Phil :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Phil:wave:

    No I haven't spoken to anyone else, I'm worried my parents will find out.

    I was so happy, I managed 2 days without cutting which is the most I've ever managed, but everything started building up so I ended up cutting again, worse than normal :(

    I've started going out to try and stop myself, when I want to cut I leave the house, and walk, I wandered for 3 hours on Saturday. It helps clear my head, but in this weather it isn't exactly practical :/

    Nina x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :thumb:Hey Nina

    Thanks for getting back to us. :)

    Your right, sometimes just getting out in the fresh air can make things seem that much clearer, but it is very cold at the minute so do wrap up warm if you do. :thumb:

    Regarding speaking to someone, did you read the section I linked to above that talked about confiding in someone?

    Doctors etc do have strict confidentiality guidelines which they have to stick to.

    Hope things are a little easier for you tonight.

    Keep in touch!

    Phil :wave:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi again

    Things were going great, I managed almost 2 weeks without, and then I went back down. I had a really awkward conversation with my friend (same one as before) about friends with benefits and stuff, and I basically told him I like him too much to let it happen. To be fair he was great about it, said it was fine but it was still awkward. I know regret saying it too, definatly telling him I like him so much, but also saying no in the first place. I don't know though, guess I'll see what happens there.
    I was upset about that, and stressed about school, and I started cutting again. The first time I didn't even bother trying to stop myself, I just had to do it. The second time I felt like I needed to though I texted him, same as I always used to, and same as he does when he's feeling bad though. This is probably gonna sound really selfish but ah well. He didn't reply, but I found out later that he'd been texting one of my friends and was apparently in a good mood. I hate to say it, but I hated him for that. I've spent weeks getting hardly any sleep, waiting for him to text 'cos I knew he needed help, even when I've been down myself I've supported him, and I'd do anything for him, and he knows it. Although I know I don't mean half as much to him as he does to me, I still would like him to care. I mean, whatever happens I'd do anything for him, I love him, but I'd still like a bit of something in return when I needed it.
    Rant over anyhow
    Nina x
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