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why is everything such a struggle
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm sorry for this long post. I know it looks like I only come on here to whine about pithy things.
This follows on from my last thread about difficulties at my social placement, dyslexia and completing the 100 days etc. I didn't get an update until yesterday when I had a meeting with my placement supervisor from the uni, my actual placement go-to guy (the head of the school) and my personal tutor from the uni. Bit of a recap I suppose- I started my placement two months later than the majority of people on the course and a stipulation of the course is to do 100 days at the placement. Because my placement is at a school I was told I'd have to be in as much as possible in order to get that 100 days by July.
Good news really. I won't be pressured into being at my placement 5 days a week and can just do 3 so that I have enough time to study and 'reflect'. The head of the school is pretty great and has contacts somewhere nearby. I've forgotten..some department where I can make up my days in August. Woohoo.
The meeting also involved talking about the Assessment Practice Tool which is a portfolio that I have to complete. My two week induction at the school has been nice but I've been more teaching assistant and getting to know the children. But going through the APT with them made me feel so argh.
I had a sore throat, was feeling rough and so kept having to clear my throat which probably looked a lot like nervousness. I was pretty much just agreeing with everything and desperately trying to add in interjections and smart questions but I know I looked like a complete idiot. The head at the school has been really supportive but it was clear he thought I wasnt cut out to be a social worker. Mentioning things like working on confidence when communicating with people. Telling me that I will have to work hard because of my dyslexia and dyspraxia. My placement supervisor had obviously been told about my special needyness because he was reading through and checking I understood everything and giving me that look 'you're just nodding for the sake of it arent you' type of thing.
Eventually... I have to speak to parents and take on case loads. Speak at groups. Not right now sure but eventually. I'm feeling more and more incompetant and am genuinely painfully shy around parents right now and this is just a 'hello' and thanking them for letting me sit in on their child's annual review.. I feel like I have to impress everyone when most of the time people just stare at me because I look like I'm a 16 year old on work exdperience
To sum it all up I felt overwhelmed and completely retarded. Maybe being at a school for children with special needs is exacerbating it but I'm starting to feel like my 'mild' dyslexia and dyspraxia don't really explain my sheer slowness ar EVERYTHING. I get lost all the time. Every day is a struggle. When I cant find something in my bag I get frustrated. Moving to the other side of the room in front of people feels like the biggest obstacle ever because I'm so aware of every movement I make. I'm just the biggest loser right now. I am starting to think that maybe another educational assessment should happen because there is NO way this amount of daily challenge is down to mild dyslexia and dyspraxia. But I dont know how to go about arranging this. I'm starting to suspect some type of autism.
I felt like just crying during that meeting. My learning difficulties just are so pronounced to everyone now. It's embarassing. I'm so fed up and just want to portray myself as a 25 year old with a fairly okay life, a super boyfriend, her own place and a psychotic kitten like my stupid facebook profile seems to. The REAL me. I'm not retarded, I'm good at writing. Maybe not great at talking to people I don't know because I stutter over my words and say the wrong thing. But you cant be a social worker and just type to people. You have to be quick and say the right thing on the spot. Is this me?? Real life situations just let me down completely and I feel so trapped because it really isn't me. Instead I carry the sort of demeanour that 2 15/16 year old girls doing work experience feel the need to ask me 'what school are you from?'. It's like being in jail. Stuck in the body of this awkward, gangly, weird looking person who cant think of a thing to say unless she has a keyboard in front of her.
I realise it may look as if I am being hard on myself but this is me being completely honest. I'm feeling more and more aware of my limitations and how they really dont fit in with the things I need to do to complete this course and be a social worker. But I worked hard to get here. I worked in crappy care jobs for 9 months for the experience, I put myself through GCSE maths again and managed to pass, just the whole application process for this course was tough but again.. involved mostly writing stuff which I'm good at so I guess I really fooled them.
I dont know what to do. And I know stuff from me is probably tiresome to read. I know I'm lucky and have good support from my mum, boyfriend, mute cat but I cant bring myself to speak to any of them. My cat doesnt even care I'm crying. She's being vain and preening herself
This follows on from my last thread about difficulties at my social placement, dyslexia and completing the 100 days etc. I didn't get an update until yesterday when I had a meeting with my placement supervisor from the uni, my actual placement go-to guy (the head of the school) and my personal tutor from the uni. Bit of a recap I suppose- I started my placement two months later than the majority of people on the course and a stipulation of the course is to do 100 days at the placement. Because my placement is at a school I was told I'd have to be in as much as possible in order to get that 100 days by July.
Good news really. I won't be pressured into being at my placement 5 days a week and can just do 3 so that I have enough time to study and 'reflect'. The head of the school is pretty great and has contacts somewhere nearby. I've forgotten..some department where I can make up my days in August. Woohoo.
The meeting also involved talking about the Assessment Practice Tool which is a portfolio that I have to complete. My two week induction at the school has been nice but I've been more teaching assistant and getting to know the children. But going through the APT with them made me feel so argh.
I had a sore throat, was feeling rough and so kept having to clear my throat which probably looked a lot like nervousness. I was pretty much just agreeing with everything and desperately trying to add in interjections and smart questions but I know I looked like a complete idiot. The head at the school has been really supportive but it was clear he thought I wasnt cut out to be a social worker. Mentioning things like working on confidence when communicating with people. Telling me that I will have to work hard because of my dyslexia and dyspraxia. My placement supervisor had obviously been told about my special needyness because he was reading through and checking I understood everything and giving me that look 'you're just nodding for the sake of it arent you' type of thing.
Eventually... I have to speak to parents and take on case loads. Speak at groups. Not right now sure but eventually. I'm feeling more and more incompetant and am genuinely painfully shy around parents right now and this is just a 'hello' and thanking them for letting me sit in on their child's annual review.. I feel like I have to impress everyone when most of the time people just stare at me because I look like I'm a 16 year old on work exdperience
To sum it all up I felt overwhelmed and completely retarded. Maybe being at a school for children with special needs is exacerbating it but I'm starting to feel like my 'mild' dyslexia and dyspraxia don't really explain my sheer slowness ar EVERYTHING. I get lost all the time. Every day is a struggle. When I cant find something in my bag I get frustrated. Moving to the other side of the room in front of people feels like the biggest obstacle ever because I'm so aware of every movement I make. I'm just the biggest loser right now. I am starting to think that maybe another educational assessment should happen because there is NO way this amount of daily challenge is down to mild dyslexia and dyspraxia. But I dont know how to go about arranging this. I'm starting to suspect some type of autism.
I felt like just crying during that meeting. My learning difficulties just are so pronounced to everyone now. It's embarassing. I'm so fed up and just want to portray myself as a 25 year old with a fairly okay life, a super boyfriend, her own place and a psychotic kitten like my stupid facebook profile seems to. The REAL me. I'm not retarded, I'm good at writing. Maybe not great at talking to people I don't know because I stutter over my words and say the wrong thing. But you cant be a social worker and just type to people. You have to be quick and say the right thing on the spot. Is this me?? Real life situations just let me down completely and I feel so trapped because it really isn't me. Instead I carry the sort of demeanour that 2 15/16 year old girls doing work experience feel the need to ask me 'what school are you from?'. It's like being in jail. Stuck in the body of this awkward, gangly, weird looking person who cant think of a thing to say unless she has a keyboard in front of her.
I realise it may look as if I am being hard on myself but this is me being completely honest. I'm feeling more and more aware of my limitations and how they really dont fit in with the things I need to do to complete this course and be a social worker. But I worked hard to get here. I worked in crappy care jobs for 9 months for the experience, I put myself through GCSE maths again and managed to pass, just the whole application process for this course was tough but again.. involved mostly writing stuff which I'm good at so I guess I really fooled them.
I dont know what to do. And I know stuff from me is probably tiresome to read. I know I'm lucky and have good support from my mum, boyfriend, mute cat but I cant bring myself to speak to any of them. My cat doesnt even care I'm crying. She's being vain and preening herself
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Comments
Even though inside you know you are clueless, small, shouldn't be in that position, something will go wrong and you will be shown up to be a complete buffoon... Until eventually you realise things have not gone wrong, and the people who look up to you see something going right, someone they can rely on.
With parents you might feel completely stupid and you might think they think you look like a nutter, but you are you and if they don't like it they can nut off! If you cannot think of anything to say to a parent the best thing to do is compliment their kids, parents suck that up like a sponge of pride.
The best way to look at it is try to see your performance as a teaching assistant in an impartial way, see if you really did anything horribly wrong. At the end of things -what you did- is more important than how you feel about what you did to the people assessing you.
No advice about an uncaring kitty though. *hug*
It's obviously a tough course with lots to learn so don't be too hard on yourself if you don't pick everything up straight away. And don't be worried about asking lots of questions or asking people to show you things again - I'm sure they expect it and would rather show you things a few times to make sure you get it than never understand.
Also, the way you feel you come across is likely to be the complete opposite to how you really are coming across.
Have you spoken to other people on your course? They could well be feeling the same as you and it might help you to know that.
I think you mentioned doing the course part time before - would that help at all? Might also help to set yourself small goals each week of things you want to achieve and maybe make a list of all the reasons you wanted to do the course in the first place to have a look at when you're finding it difficult.
Some good responses already from SnuggleBubbles and Kat_B
I'd just like to reiterate what the others have said. You're at the start of a long process and feeling anxious and nervous at the start of the social work placement is totally normal. I have firsthand experience myself of this and most of the people in my class felt totally out of their depths in the first few weeks, however all settled in after a month or so and eventually relished the challenges, seeing them as good learning experiences.
The one thing I would encourage you to do though is to be as upfront with your practice educator as you possibly can be. They are being paid to support and encourage you on top of assessing your suitability as a social work student.
Placements are a time of learning and you shouldn't be expected to take on more than you can deal with at any one time. It's good that the head teacher is approachable and it might be a good idea to take the advice he has offered you if you feel it is relevant as there's a good chance he has had loads of experience with student teachers/social workers who have found themselves in similar situations to yourself.
Please keep posting and let us know how you're getting on.
Phil :thumb:
Weell.. I still feel stupid. I took the initiative and asked to look through some files of Looked After Children today. At the risk of sounding even more stupid, I found it interesting.. really really complex but I am unsure what I am supposed to be looking for exactly. I am going to meet one of the children whose file I looked at so maybe things will get better then. Who knows.
I think part of it is that I've already firmly decided I don't want to work with children. Especially child protection. I like children, I'm not a monster but it really isn't my thing. I understand the experience is good but I know my strengths dont lie in talking to parents blah blah which is why I'm not going to go into it.
To continue the splurge, I just feel like the most stupid person there. I try and contribute to conversations but no one seems to hear or it comes out wrong and awkwardly and so it gets ignored. But awh. I look 15 so I guess that's okay. :banghead: I really am wondering whether it's worth looking into another assessment because 'mildly dyslexic with suggestions of dyspraxia' sounds so much like an understatement. But I've no idea how to go about doing it
I have two close ish friends on my course and I havent really spoken to them about it. One is lovely, she's great but she's really 'with it' and would probably just offer practical advice that is easy to say but difficult to do for me. The other may be a shoulder to cry on but I dont think she has started her placement yet. (one of the many advantages of going to my uni..)
I am considering going part time and have tried to get more info from the internet but what I can make out, I'd have to pay back some of my bursary as pt gets less moneyI think (got 2nd installment in January) and all of that goes towards rent. I live with my boyfriend and don't really want to be even more of a leech than I feel already. It's difficult
Glad to hear the replies have helped
Good to hear you've taken the initiative to look at files and get a bit more involved in things.
Stepping back every once in a while and giving yourself a pat on the back for the positive steps you've taken. Also putting everything aside for at least an evening a week and concetrating on treating yourself, maybe on a Friday night at the end of the week.
Keep us posted regarding your future plans etc and good luck!
Phil :thumb: